Email From Home 3

Bern: Outside time looking a little iffy
Me: Getting ugly outside?
Bern: Shower
Me: Like you need one, Stinky?
Bern: As in RAIN shower

Knowledge, Virtue, Politics, Mysticism, Ass

As I was fixing up my americano in Starbucks this morning a woman came in with such an amazing posterior that I'm not sure I really saw it. It was too perfect. No insult to all my favourite's out there, and you know who you are. RIGHT, HON!? You think I'm joking, or just being a man, but I'm serious. Muzak, conversation, work, everyone and everything stopped as all eyes were drawn to her light blue Lululemon-clad glutes. Men, woman, children and the elderly all gazed in wonder at her sculpture-like buttocks. Beside me an elderly man wiped away a tear nodding to himself like, yes, this is why I've lived this long. A young child looked up at her mother and pointed. Her mother looked down with a smile that said, 'yes, I know.'

When Plato spoke of his shadow images this was the first image of ass. Was that Plato? No, it was Socrates. Wait, it was a fictional dialogue with Socrates. I should ask Black Hockey Jesus. It's important to get your Greek philosophers straight when talking about female anatomy.

**Ok, so I started this about 8am this morning and coming back to it now at 1pm I really have nowhere to go.

What's In My Purse...er, Bag?

So yesterday my new GFF, Middle Aged Woman, wrote a post about stuff in her purse which got me thinking about what I've got kicking around in my man bag (man purse, murse, European courier bag, whatever) right now. So I dumped it all on the table to see. Not bad really.

1. Bag - black Nike courier bag
2. Plastic bag - so I can empty all the pop cans, juice boxes, yogurt and dessert tofu containers out of my desk at work. Though I do like the way my drawer sounds like it's full of empty beer cans. 
3. Notes for story ideas.
4. Back up deodorant - so no one gets hurt if I rush out the door and forget.
5. Three Nature Valley Sweet & Salty bars. 2 almond & 1 peanut butter - the kids love them.
6. My beat up 5 year old Vuarnet's - more durable with children than Oakley wire frames.
7. 1 size 5 Huggies diaper - just in case.
8. Ziploc baggie loaded with Advil and Extra Strength Motrin
9. Bus tickets - 2 packs of 1 zones and 1 pack of 2 zones
10. Gum
11. Mofo - plastic dog
12. Big Mac gift certificate from the last time wife went postal on McDonald's for forgetting the apple pies.
13. Extra Strength NeoCitron Cold & Flu
14. Wallet
15. Unopened pay stubs
16. Shogun Warrior - I've had that since about 1978. Think I stole it off a kid named Shawn. Recently rescued from my children.
17. Tide Stick - thank you Kelly Ripa, you and your giant arms.
18. Pens - purple & orange
19. Shell of a race car - no wheels or anything, just the body
20. Kershaw pocket knife
21. iPod
22. Keys

(missing: Sony Cyber-shot, cause it's in my hands)

All in all, not bad. Not like SOMEBODY'S purse which I believe contains the original Magna Carta, some Dead Sea scrolls and enough receipts to make a forensic accountant faint with joy.

What's in your bag?

Hump Day

"You off now, hon?"

"Ya, the guy's are waiting for me." 

"Death Star today?"

"Nah, that's Friday. Today is Hoth or Endor... can't remember."

"Ok, babe. Have a good day, stay safe."

"Will do. I'll text you when I'm off."

"Love you. Don't forget the trash."

Tuesday Stuff

Some random Tuesday thoughts. From Monday. Whatever. Before going home last night I stopped by a nearby Apple store. I wanted to see the new keyboard because I'd read somebody else drooling over it earlier in the day. Kottke? Maybe not. Anyway, I wanted to see one and oh ya, silky sexy "elegant anodized aluminum enclosure." Right now we have a cheap one because apparently warranties do not cover smoothies, chocolate milk and spit. But... but it's so sexy. And I'm sure I could write better with one. Just like I could take better pictures of the kids if I had a better camera. Still working on that one.

Oh, I also saw a new 24" iMac. Why don't I have a better paying job? Oh wait, my company is giving me that opportunity.

When I did get home yesterday, after picking everybody up at the park, I got to wash Liam's hands off with a scrub brush because he decided it would be cool to play with other peoples warm gum. That was fun.

While cutting their spaghetti up into little people sized noodles (except for Liam's because he started to cry when I did and I had to empty his bowl out and start again) I noticed something on my thumb and tried to rub it off. It was red and wouldn't rub off. It wouldn't rub off because it was the inside of my thumb. Freakin' knives! We have these super cheap steak knives Bern picked up somewhere, or her dad got for us, whatever. Who picked up these damn things is irrelevant, what is relevant is their super-natural ability to cut through ANYTHING, but especially fingers. My fingers. Seriously, I could build a house with just one of these knives. After cutting all the timber down first.

And what the hell happened to my Ratatouille 3M band-aid? Remy totally disappeared. Cheap bastards. Now it's just an ugly looking band-aid.

Maybe I should be working.

Honey's & Hom's

Hom's, you ask? No, that's ok, you're not supposed to know what that is. It would probably make sense if you were 3 or 5 and reading this, but then, you wouldn't be reading this like you are now and that's why you don't understand.

...........................?

Maybe I should start over. My children, like every one's children everywhere, have their own 'special' language. Things that only they understand. Things that will only make sense in the circle of your own immediate family. Right now, for Connor and Liam, that is honey's and hom's. Everyone in the world, real or fictional, can be divided into a honey or a hom. Honey is fairly self explanatory. They are honey's. Hom's are where things start getting complicated because hom's can be good or bad. I am a hom. Bernadette is a hom. Connor and Liam's cousins Michelle, Mikayla, Dakoda and Josh are all honey's. Wait, Josh (my step brother) is actually their uncle... forget it, long story. So you're probably thinking ah, children are honey's, adults are hom's. Simple. Oh no, nothing is that simple.

Honey's:

1. Connor & Liam
2. Dakoda & Mikayla
3. Josh
4. Michelle
5. Grampa Gordo & Grampa Jerry
6. Auntie Ann
7. Auntie Melanie
8. Uncle Aaron & Auntie Tracy
9. Gary (next door neighbour)

Hom's:

1. Mommy & Daddy
2. Po Po & Gong Gong (grandma & grandpa)
3. Auntie's Lucy, Billy & Dizzy
4. Uncle's Philip & Thadeo
5. Brandon
6. Bad people, bad toys - planes, cars, etc
7. Uncle Craig & Grandma Lynn
8. You
9. Everybody else

Special category: Nana - bunny (don't look at me)

For the most part, hom's are probably people who will discipline them for misbehaving and honey's aren't. For the most part. Or they're just crazy.

**email from home - "cherries with stems are honeys, cherries without stems are homs.....I think. It's ok to eat the homs."

Thanks

A special thanks today to Middle Aged Woman who cheered me up immeasurably by leaving me a comment yesterday. Two comments, actually. At some point yesterday as I was slacking off at work I logged into my blog to see if anything was on fire, the lights were on, whatever. Anyway, I'd just rolled 8000 hits and while I thought that was pretty cool, I also thought, hmm.... and how many bothered to leave a comment? I need your love, I NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED it! Not that I don't appreciate all the hot offers on stereo equipment from Brazil, but seriously guys, I'm like 11,042 kilometres (6861 miles) from Sao Paulo. I live closer to Japan. Where it's from. And sure mom comments from time to time but she's contractually obligated to, right? Jodi drops a dime occasionally which is way cool since she's like, a real blogger. Aside from that though, where's the love? Sigh.



So anyway, great big hug Middle Aged Woman.

picapixels

Thrills And Spills

*Ok, before we go anywhere: bagels with cream cheese and dulce de leche. Lions and tigers and bears, OH my!*

Bernadette had a weekend off, finally, so it was fun for the whole family. Unfortunately I really shouldn't wait until Monday to start writing about the weekend because by now it's just a hodge podge of random non-linear images. There were sprinklers,

there was the beach,

there were shipwrecks,

there was my mother-in-law's pho (Vietnamese noodle soup if you've never heard of it),

there were strange backward sliding on your ass falling between big giant rocks that even though I saw it happen I cannot quite explain it falls,


and mommy and daddy had enough time to sneak off to see Bat Man. And The Dark Knight, awesome. Then there were those magic moments like Sunday morning while we were all lying in bed watching an animated Avenger's movie and Captain America had just fallen off a nuclear missile fired by an evil alliance between Nazi's and aliens and plunged into the icy North Atlantic and Liam asked if Nemo was down there. Yes there was that moment I thought to myself, you are too young to be watching this, but then I dismissed it, he needs to learn his super heroes and the earlier the better.

All in all, a pretty good weekend.

**Oh, and if you shave your head regularly like I do, that little open spot on the back of your baseball hat... sunscreen. Trust me.

Tea Partay - PU Fo-evaaaa!

the one that i like best from Jessica Bigarel on Vimeo.

3:10 to Yuma, or Liam's room

3:10 am, wailing from youngest child's room. Enter stage right, punch drunk father.
Me: What's wrong, baby?
Liam: I don't want you to go to work!
Me: ....processing... but honey, it's only Thursday, daddy still has to go to work today.
Liam: (half way through the above sentence) zzzzzzzzz.....

Hmm? Three year old's nightmare or mystic precognition? "Hello? Hi, this is Chad. Ya, listen, I won't be coming in today. No, I'm fine, my son just had a vision last night. No, I'm not sure. He's only 3 and it was early in the morning so it's not like he could really define what he saw, but you know how it is? Ok, sure. See you tomorrow, thanks!"

Wouldn't that be nice? Somehow I just don't see that flying.

Miscellaneous

What part of my job does not fit in this file?




procrastinatrix

Product Endorsement

I was a little skeptical when I picked this up last week since 'All Natural' usually means tastes like boiled puddle water, but I took a chance. I'm glad I took it.



This stuff is the smack of yogurt. Of good for you yogurt.

(I was not paid for this review, however I would happily accept a crate of this from the fine people of Danone. I'd even reword my endorsement so it's not comparing their product to an addictive narcotic.)

Light Of My Uterus

Bernadette: Honey, why don't you get their smoothie started and I'll go have a shower.
Me: Ok.
Connor: Mommy, why do you call daddy 'honey?'
Bernadette: Because it's nice. I call him honey. I call him sweetie. I call him the Light of My Uterus.
Me: Hahahahaha! I'm blogging that.

Addendum: Apparently the word she used was 'universe' and not 'uterus.' I stand corrected.

Everyday

Chris Piascik

Space, The Final Frontier...

Aurora Borealis from space...


Klingon's loungin.'

MONDAY!!!

The Big Picture

Tulip Fields

from design scouting

Near Earth Objects and Carnivores

In the bathroom last night...

Mommy: Mommy's got meat stuck in her teeth. 'Cause she's a meat eater.
Liam: Mommy's a meteor?
Daddy: No. MEAT EATER.
Mommy: Mommy eats meat.
Liam: I jump.

Run Run As Fast As You Can... Busted

Pixdaus

That's How I Roll

by The Rut

Hmm...

Why do you get a tax credit if you buy a hybrid car, but you get no tax credit if you don’t own a car in the first place?

-The Doree Chronicles

3 Things

1. This is sand. Just go and play. Especially if you work in an office. Don't be frightened by the blank screen when you get there. Just click on your mouse and hold. See what happens.

2. One Word. If you enjoy writing you will like this. Or hate it. You are given a word, but not until you hit the 'go' button. As soon as you're given the word you have 60 seconds to write about it. Anything you want.

3. Last but not least, Dr. Horrible. Just go there and select Act I. I heard rumours about this awhile back, but thanks to jodiferous for posting the link.

The Cleaner

Watched the premier of The Cleaner last night. (Whoa! Word to the wise for Blogger users, don't try to use the '&' symbol in the label section of your posts, as in A & E. According to the warning I just received, this is somewhat like tattooing an upside down cross on your forehead.)

If you didn't see it, it is on again on Saturday night. Highly recommend it. And not just because Grace Park is in it. Ah, Boomer. Doesn't hurt, though. Anyway, this is a really good show. Only complaint was the dialogue. Not the writing, which was great, more the sound editing. There were too many bits of conversation that I couldn't hear. And yes, sometimes I play my iPod a little too loud and yes there were a few fans on last night because it was hot, but that wasn't it. Really. Shut up. Oh, I have one other complaint about a certain cast member, another former Battlestar Galactica actor, but I'll keep it to myself in case you are going to watch.

Venus & Mars

Me: (standing in the living room with one remote in my hand) Where's the the other remote? Why can we not put the remotes away so we can find them when we need them?
Bern: (coming in from the kitchen) What's wrong?
Me: I can't find the HD remote. The Cleaner's on soon.
Bern: (reaches down and hits the power button on the HD)
Me: ..... I don't like your attitude.
Bern: (leaving) What attitude?
Me: I still need to start recording...oh, I guess there's a button for that too...

2 hours later: VINDICATION!!!
Yes, you can record by pressing a button on the front of the HD recorder, but how do you stop it? No buttons for THAT is there? Huh? That's right. Can't even turn the damn thing off because it won't let you while it's recording. Ha! So there.

1 2 3 4

Leslie Fiest.
Multiple Juno, Brit and Grammy nominations and awards, big leagues. Guest shot on Sesame Street, made it.



via blogography via the web pen

I Will Not Post My Children on Craigslist. I Will Not Post...

Connor: Daddy! Daddy! Come upstairs and see what we did to the clothes!
Daddy (growing sense of dread): Uh, ok.
Bedroom: Who's cleaning up this mess?

Get Some Nuts!

Monday

by Spencer Weiner

Happy Saturday!

via connor's doodles

Roger's and the iPhone

My boss has been trying to get a hold of Roger's today to do something with her cell account. On the same day the iPhone is being released. It's been very entertaining, but not so much for her. The hold message keeps telling her to try the website but if you go there you get a blank screen. So either it's collapsed from heavy usage or Steve Jobs is letting his wrath be felt. I'm hoping the latter. I so wanted an iPhone until I realized just how horrible the usage plans would be. On the bright side, my iPod Touch does everything the iPhone does except make phone calls.

Ya. I'll hold onto that. And if you get one and are walking down the street in Vancouver and you see somebody looking at you with hate in their eyes, it's not personal. Well, actually it will be...

Northern Lights-Iceland

Just cause I saw it and wished I could see the Northern Lights like this. And Iceland has been on my mind a lot this week, from teaching Connor to say 'Reykjavík' for no other reason besides making him laugh and to downloading a bunch of Sigur Ros who are awesome. Iceland's one of the few European countries I haven't visited but always wanted to see. Definitely in my bucket list.

Outbreak: Wal-Mart

Found this on kottke yesterday, it shows the spread of Wal-Mart's across the US from 1965 to 2007. It's literally like watching a virus spread from a movie like Outbreak of The Andromeda Strain.

Shark Kills Human

"Newspapers will run a headline: ‘Shark kills human.’ You never see a headline from the other perspective: ‘Man swims in shark-infested water, forgets he’s shark food.’ "

Gary Larson

affremble quotes

Google Monkey

Someone who constantly looks up things for other people.

How do I roll this into a job?

Reykjavík

Connor couldn't sleep last night so I while I was lying down with him I suggested he repeat the alphabet over and over. Counting sheep is great, but not so effective when you're five and can't count all that high. He didn't seem to excited by this, not surprising, so I suggested he say the letter and then a word that starts with that letter, just like in pre-school. So, A - apple, B - boy... you get the idea. I got all the way to R and then stopped because I couldn't think of any 5 year old worthy R words and finally blurted out Reykjavík. Well, not the best choice as apparently the capital city of Iceland's name was the funniest thing Connor had EVER heard of. I left him then, hoping he'd get to sleep before midnight.

Username:

The Boys, For Auntie Lulu

I had a complaint recently from my sister-in-law Lucia, that there hasn't been enough child related posts lately. My a-POO-logies. It's true though, I haven't. It's been mostly pictures and things I find on the net. What can I say, I'm lazy. It's not like they don't supply a lot of material. Every single day.

Connor: In the last week or so he's begun saying, "What the...?" I guess I know where he got that from. At least he doesn't finish it, which means I don't either. So that's a good thing, right? His whole world revolves around WWII airplanes right now, particularly German ones. I tried to explain to him that these were the bad guys, but in the video games we rent you can choose to fly any plane you want. Guess he just digs the colour scheme. Anyway, he reasoned his way past the whole bad guy thing by deciding we stole the bad guy's plane so it's ok. He knows a startling number of plane names, probably because he spends his days at Grandma and Grampa's watching movies on YouTube. I was going to add he can also pronounce 'Messhersmidt' perfectly, but so can Liam and he's 3. Two and a half months and Connor will be starting kindergarten. KINDERGARTEN! WTF? His whole head fit in my hand, like... yesterday.

Liam: Is Liam. He's still his usual cheery bundle of joy and happiness, but it's taken on an edge. When he gets angry now he gets really angry. He's into throwing out threats now too when he's upset like, "you're going to jail(your room)," or "I don't love you as much." On the whole though, Liam is 3 going on 3. He's happy where he is and enjoying every minute of it. He's still not potty trained, but so what. He'll be ready when he's ready, although he now has a deadline which we're trying to make him understand. No peeing in the potty by September, no pre-school. But that's still two months away, and when you've only been alive for 38 months, that's a long time.

Connor MUST sleep with a pair of socks on. It doesn't matter if it's 40 degrees out (104 F), he will freak out if we don't put socks on him before he goes to bed. Liam, as long as he has his two baby penguins and his froggy, is not so OCD. We've had to start some minor brainwashing though. He went through a phase where he would not go to sleep. He'd talk to Connor, not lay down and force his eyes open just to stay up a little longer. Not so pleasant the next day. So we started telling him that if he wasn't quiet the Sleep Fairy would hear him. She would come into his room and make him go to sleep. Think Tinkerbell with her magic wand. I'll think Julia Roberts in that little green skirt from Hook, but you think Disney. Where was I? Oh ya, so it totally worked. Then we added closing his eyes because she would come in to check on him and if his eyes were open she'd know he was still awake. Judge if you will, but if you do, you don't have children and should probably keep your dumb ass opinions to yourself.

If You Were An Ocean...

eatsleepdraw

TGIT

from luxrurious vulgarity

Bottle of Love

My youngest, Liam, has this facial tick when he's trying to tell you about something that really interests him. Like seeing a bug. Anyway, his left eyebrow twitches as he speaks, emphasizing certain words. If I could bottle the feeling I get when I watch him do this, you would buy it and you would pay me whatever I asked. That's how good it feels.

Plugs

mighty wombat

Welcome To Monday, Please Be Seated

Ahahahahahahaaaaaa!

I Live In The Clouds

via Wolves At Night

Just A Thought...

Why does the house have to fill with spiders in the spring/summer? Why can't it be butterflies?

Happy Birthday

Have a great weekend. Or, as I saw on Kottke yesterday, enjoy your "Will Smith holiday weekend."

Also, a big happy birthday for my nephew Dakoda, whom I couldn't find a picture of in all 1343 pictures in my iPhoto right now. So here's a picture of his sister instead. Just imagine her taller with less hair, more teeth and as a boy.



(Just a thought since I don't live in America and actually have to go to work today...since our two countries are so close in so many other ways, why don't we share the each other's holidays? Just think about it. Canada Day is July 1st. The Fourth of July is...well, the fourth of July. Work with me. You could have two holidays in a WEEK. And Thanksgiving? Twice? Tryptophan heaven! One in October and another in November so you'd even have time to recover. And really, the US's Thanksgiving just works so much better with Christmas. Dead presidents, dead queen's, combined there are a lot of holidays. I don't see any down side to this. If you're an American reader, please, call your member of Congress, I'll call my member of Parliament. Together we can make this work!)

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

After 6 months of tender loving care I finally dropped my iPod while getting out of the car this morning. I'd like to tell you I didn't squeal like a little girl, but I can't.


It's a little scratched on one corner, but otherwise fine. Phew!

Just Because

Why? Cause it's Han freakin Solo, that's why. Like I need a reason?

Texting With Wife

Bernadette: There's a bit of a breeze kicking up. (bus home from work)
Chad: The house is nice
Bernadette: It's a good thing I always have a sweater.
Chad: Be prepared! Tide Stick saved my white shirt tonight.
Bernadette: Kelly Ripa would be so proud!
Chad: I KNOW! But she might slap me on the back and knock me down with her giant pipes.

Dr. Seuss Therapy

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.
You’re on your own.
And you know what you know.
You are the one who’ll decide where to go.

— Dr. Seuss

via wolves at night



via...somebody on tumblr, oops.

Holiday Wrap-Up

Yes, mid-week holidays do blow, but this one was pretty good, and really, it feels like its been a whole weekend already so that's good. Right? Today was full of adventure, home reno's and firsts. Ok, there was no real adventure. There was lot's of 'home improvement' going on though.



Home Depot: You can do it, but you'll probably just fuck it up. Hire a professional!

Yes. By 9:45am I'd already drilled several pointless holes in the ceiling of my bathroom and come to the unfortunate conclusion that I can no longer put off painting. God, I hate painting! Then it was off to sand my aircraft carrier sized sun deck in preparation of more painting. Ok, maybe not an aircraft carrier but definitely a Spanish galleon. And damn did I ever scrub those decks. Me, my little Ryobi circular sander and my iPod. It was actually kinda relaxing.

AND THEN, it was off to the movies!



If you have not seen Wall-E, GO!!! It is FANTASTIC! If you don't love it, I will give you your money back (snicker). Seriously though, best movie I've seen in awhile. Well, since Juno, which I loved, but you can't really compare them. Where am I going? ANYWAY... we weren't too sure how the monkeys were going to take it, this was their first movie in an actual theatre. Liam took his own chair, even though he couldn't see the bottom of the screen and loved everything. Well, there was some crying towards the end, but I won't tell you what about because I don't want to spoil it for you. (Don't worry, it's Disney, it's all good). Connor... not so much. He sat in my lap right from the start. There were a couple of trailers before the movie started that had rockets taking off in them and that didn't help things. And hello? If you are showing a kids movie that little kids are actually going to be seeing wouldn't it be good to turn down the volume a little so you don't damage their hearing? We made it about 25-30 minutes into the movie before he started crying and asking to go home. I decided to take him out and find something to do while Bern and Liam finished the movie but as we entered the little exit hall he still hadn't looked away from the screen so I asked him if he wanted to keep watching from there. He didn't answer, but he didn't say no either so we sat down in the hallway and watched from there. Not the most comfortable way to watch a movie, but it guaranteed I will always remember the first movie we saw together.

So yes, back to work tomorrow, but I had a hell of a Tuesday.

(Oh, and if you are a Mac user, keep an ear out for the sound Wall-E makes when he recharges his batteries)

Happy Canada Day!