Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Random Tuesday: yadseuT modnaR

Did you know that powdered coffee whitener is explosively flammable? For reals. It's like napalm. Saw it on Mythbusters.

Oh yes, it's Keely's Random Tuesday time.

Splataculous-what the top of our oven looked like after Supreme Leader finished cooking tomato sauce for enchiladas.

Dim sum on Saturday morning.

More food than one table of humans could possibly eat at one sitting. Looking for the chicken feet? Left side, furthest back.

I just found out that Lowe's is opening in Canada. With my luck they'll build their store here right across the street from Home Depot so my father-in-law and I can make an entire day of it. Each and every weekend from now until October. Thanks Lowe's. Maybe Gene Hackman can take him every other weekend?

Saturday night.

Yes, my son, your mother is that good. (Supreme Leader would like it known that she does not have a proper decorating spatula to smooth out the icing. She also let it be known that we will be going to Williams & Sonoma very soon) What? Butter cream icing. So good it was sexual.

"I hate this part right here..." So do I, please stop playing this gawd-awful song. It makes my eyes bleed.

Sunday afternoon.

Saturday night Supreme Leader opens up a bottle of Orangina for dinner. Concerned that the bottle didn't fizz enough when she opened it, she put the cap back on and shook it. Then she acted all surprised when it burst out of the bottle. I quickly left the room. "Where are you going!? Get away from the computer!" Heh heh heh.

"Die, G.I. Joe, die!"

Ok, somebody sent gave me an award a week or so ago and because I didn't add it to my sidebar IMMEDIATELY I forgot about it. I forgot one that Kat at 3 Bedroom gave to me too, but she already knows I'm an idiot so we're good. So please let me know if you were the one, unless you've stopped reading me because you think I suck.

Go to Keely's and grab a button, it's cheaper than a $100 an hour therapist.

Monday, March 30, 2009

He Blogs/She Blogs: Time Share Edition

It's a special He Blogs/She Blogs today. If you follow HBSB and remember the battle royale to find a He to Petra's She, you'll remember Petra decided to give all the competitors a chance to guest post every once and a while. Today is the first once of those whiles. In the blue corner, the insightful and entertaining Christopher of Cajoh. In the pink corner over at Petra's, Jen of Steenky Bee. Jen's become a bit of a recluse, but back when we used to run guns in South America... er, never mind. Here's Cajoh.

I would like to thank Petra and the Captain for allowing me the opportunity to guest post today. Hopefully I can do the Captain proud. So, without further ado— here are my answers:

The Stiletto Mom said…
Talk about the biggest fight you had over the dumbest thing EVER. (it's always the stupid fights that get big)

One would think that there are dumb things that every couple is expected to fight over. I never see myself fighting over something like how the socks are folded, or if the toothbrush is left out. I guess my wife and I tend to fight over more personal things like money, or if I am paying attention enough when she's talking to me. I think that we may be disappointed in things each other does, but we never come to blows over it.

Marinka said…
Here is my question--in terms of movies, do you fake it? Do you pretend that you want to see Fried Green Harry Met Sally While You Were Sleeping with your girlfriend/wife/escort? Or do you announce that it's torture for you and that she really owes you? And Petra, do you expect your husband to put up with chick flicks? Or do you go see them with your friends and leave him alone?

Call me crazy better yet, don't— I have enough nicknames as it is… but I like a lot of the so called "chick flicks". I can't say much for ditching my wife to go see a flick with my buds, since both my wife and I go to all movies together— but I can relate when it comes to particular television shows. There are many shows that my wife and I watch together— then there are some shows that the other does not prefer to watch. I know if I am watching a show that my wife does not like all that well, she will ignore the movie and do other things. If there is a show on that I do not like, I usually try to stay out of respect but often times I just leave the room going upstairs and taking a bath is more like it.

Blogging Mama Andrea said…
When your visiting you or your spouses family for a week and your spouse asks you if you wanna 'get it on' cause everyone's sleeping, what would YOU say?

I think that what we are trying to see is if we would take caution to the wind if we were supposed to be on our best behavior. It probably all depends. It depends on if those people who are sleeping are light sleepers and are either in the same room as us, or are on the other side of the wall. It depends on if we know that we will not be interrupted, or feel self conscious because we are not in our own bedroom.

So— taking all of that into consideration… "Yes"! Next question…

Natasha Exile on Mom Street said…
So how do you deal when the much-adored sibling is a complete asshat?

Let me stick that babelfish in my ear… ahh, that's better.

I am guessing that this question should be phrased: "So how do you deal with the much-adored sibling who is a complete asshole?"

I must admit that none of my wife's nor my own siblings fit that description— I believe that we are all quite civil with each other and don't have to worry about the "black sheep" of the family and how to deal with them.

Now, if you haven't done so already— go over to Petra's Blog to find out what Jen from Steenky Bee has to say.

So there you go. Now go off to Petra's and check out Steenky Bee's responses. And remember to leave us some questions so we have something to talk about next week. Oh, and if you haven't entered your name yet, go enter my adult contest.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Giveaways and Blogiversaries

About a month or so ago there was a wave of posts from people hitting their 100th posts which made me look at my own body count and low and behold I was almost at 800. I've also been thinking of doing some kind of giveaway since everybody else is doing it and I'm as much of a lemming as everybody else. But give away what? You ever pull up somebody else's blog and they're all 'oh, such and such a company asked me to do this,' blah blah blah and you're all, gah! why doesn't some company give me stuff to try out or give away? Well you shouldn't be so petty. Ha! Anyways, as fate would have it, lucky 800 has landed me some schwag to share. The exceptionally patient Drew over at EdenFantasys.com emailed me and invited me to do a giveaway or product review if I was interested. You're a fan of Petra's? Yes, that Drew.

Hey! Don't leave yet! Yes, you. Hand off the mouse. Stick around and hear me out. I have to admit that I was a little intimidated by this at first too. I mean, it's one thing for Petra to do this, but a daddy blogger promoting adult toys? A daddy blogger whose mom and sister read his blog? But then I thought, what the hell, I'll bet I'm the first daddy blogger to do it. And what are envelopes for if not for pushing?

As for reviews? Uh, most of my readers are female, so I don't think we're going down that road. And seriously, my mom reads this. And giving away an actual product? Why don't we get to know each other a little better first. A gift code though, that I can do. Baby steps. And for anybody out there dumb like me a gift code is like an on-line gift card (thanks Drew!). *pause* Oh, so it was just me. Anyway, a $50 gift code (card) to Eden Fantasys to spend however you like, no questions asked.

So here's the deal. Comment and you get an entry, tweet about the giveaway and let me know you did and you get two entries for that. Deal? And just in case you're still a little hesitant at this point, I'll email you first if you win and give you the option of being an anonymous winner. I know, I'm caring and understanding.

Guys, I want you in on this too. First off, there's lots of, uh... interesting stuff there for us. Second, you know your Valentine's gift sucked, so here's a second chance to get your someone special something special. Or maybe let them pick. Whatever, that's your thing.

Even if you don't want to play go check out Eden Fantasys, they've got a nice site and it's not just about the toys. They've got a new section called SexIs that's full of information, interviews, articles on sexual health & well-being and buyers guides. And Drew says if you make a comment on something you saw in there you get 3 entries. All good friends.

So there you go, 800 posts and a sex toy giveaway. Was it good for you? Contest is open until Friday the... 3rd? It's April already? How did that happen? April 3rd.

And if you're interested in some more giveaways, Megan over at Embellished Truth and Polite Fiction has another Eden Fantasys giveaway, but her's is the Enchanted Evening Sensual Lover's Kit. Good times. Now get out of here. Tell your friends and neighbours.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

He Blogs/She Blogs: Or Not

Behind the scenes at He Blogs/She Blogs.

Petra: Chad.
Me: Yes, ma'am.
Petra: I need you to post tomorrow to tell people we won't be posting tomorrow.
Me: ....
Petra: Do I need crayons?
Me: Well, I wasn't really planning on posting tonight...
Petra: You want the pimp hand, Princess?
Me: Ok ok! I'll do it, just don't hit me again. Sheesh. What do you want me to do?
Petra: Just tell people that we're not doing our post today because we've got our first guest bloggers scheduled for Monday.
Me: Ok, so I'll tell them that CaJoh will be posting here on Monday.
Petra: Yes. And I'll tell them that Steenky Bee will be posting on my site on Monday.
Me: You're all pumped about that, aren't you?
Petra: So much! By the way, the first part of this was mildly amusing, this part sounds like a lame radio ad.
Me: I didn't even want to post!
Petra: My daughter doesn't whine as much as you.

Ok, so no He Blogs/She Blogs today. We'll be here on Monday with our first guest posters, Steenky Bee on Petra's blog and my esteemed competition for this job, Cajoh, over here. And just so we're all clear, I may have taken some liberties with Petra's character. I'm just tired and I've been taking suggestions from a fish.

Fish: My idea was great. You butchered it.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Dumbass: The Blue Period

I wasn't always a SAHD, I used to be an acclaimed artist. Studied in Paris, the whole bit. Go ahead, click on that bad boy and drink it in, I'll wait.

$150,000 and it's yours. Well, you'll also have to pay for the wall to be replaced in my son's room.

Today was our second day of painting and I'm still only doing the prep work. That room has a lot of corners. Liam wanted to help out again so I stripped him down to his skivvies and gave him a brush. Then I told him for the hundredth time to stay away from the paint can. Then I stepped down off the foot stool and knocked a gallon of paint over. It's important to teach by example. Good thing I put a tarp down yesterday when I decided to let the kids help. Good thing that paint is thick enough that you can scoop it up and pour it back into the can. I think there's a bit of dirt in there from the tarp now, but whatever, it's not my room.

Anyway, it gave me an idea for a post today. A post and a contest. Don't ask how I got to the idea, because that was like ten hours ago and I didn't have a pen. Yes, I had a paint brush and paint, smart ass, you're disqualified now. So I have this big... mostly blank wall.

So here's the contest: Whatever you want on that wall (until I paint over it) and I post it here. Anything you want. Pimp your blog, my fabulous art, poem, whatever. Just keep in mind it only comes in one colour, and that is colour with a 'u.' American contestants will just have to adapt. A few of you are confused now, aren't you. HA! Admit it, your forehead got a little scrunchy as you tried to figure out what the hell I was talking about. It's ok, you looked cute.

Rules? Rules are for pansies. Contest is open to everyone, even you lurkers. Even Twitter friends, which means I should probably tweet it since they won't know about it. Don't know me? I don't care. Arch nemesis? Fair is fair. One of my two judges will pick a random number based on however many replies I get. Wait. One of my two judges will pick a number out of a hat since they're still working on their numbers. Contest closes whenever I decide it does. Same with the picture.

Now, I mentioned two contests. This one I just pulled out of my ass after stepping on a can of paint. (Complained recently of having nothing to write? I knocked over a can of paint. You always have something to write about!) Contest number two is the real deal. It's a giveaway! A real live company is giving me a gift coupon to give away to one of my readers. I KNOW! I couldn't believe it either, and just wait, it gets SO. MUCH. BETTER! Except you really do have to wait because I haven't written that post yet. I'm thinking Friday. Ish. No, I'm pretty sure Friday.

*So yesterday 'afterwards' wasn't a real word but today 'scrunchy' is? Seriously?

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Random Tuesday: The Director's Cut


Random Tuesday and the great randomness that is my children. Let's go.

We took the boys out for dinner last week. When we get to our table, Liam says to our hostess, "Hi, my name is Liam and I have a cold." Manners, right? Then he sneezes on her without covering his nose.

Connor: Daddy, look at the red dots on my face. It looks like I have the pox. (I came this close to peeing myself)

Liam wakes up between 6:30 and 7am (I don't know why I bothered to put 7am) everyday and crawls into bed with us. He's told everyday that if he wants to stay in our bed he can't talk until seven zero zero or he has to go back to his own bed. One day he will not listen and keeps bouncing around and playing. When he gets ordered back to his own bed he rips off all of his clothes and his pull up, throws them at us and marches back to his bedroom. Whatever, it was quite in our room.

Connor: Daddy! Liam's chasing me.
Me: You were trying to eat his brain

Went out for breakfast after taking Connor to school this morning. During breakfast, in which he was dipping sausages in peanut butter, he calls to the waitress, "Hey lady, I like peanut butter." Afterwards he got a free helium balloon from a toy store we visited.
Me: Connor's going to be jealous of your balloon.
Liam: Connor will be so jealous.
Me: Does that make you happy?
Liam: Yes. Look at my smile. (last bit said through gritted teeth of a smile)

We started painting Connor's room today. Benjamin Moore's Costa Rican Blue.

Much nicer than the Patricide Red we steered him away from.

Connor: Liam! Stop copying what I'm copying!

Liam: Get out of there, you cracker.
Supreme Leader: What?

Me: What are you guys fighting about?
Connor: Liam said his bug threw a tree at me but I shot it.
Me: So you're arguing about an imaginary bug throwing an imaginary tree at you?
Connor: Yes.
Me: You're serious?
Connor: Yes.
Me: You're willing to be sent to your room when we get home for this?
Connor: ...

Liam: When my bum toots it says hi.

10 random songs spit out by iTunes:
1. Matt Kearney - Breathe In, Breathe Out
2. The Tragically Hip - At The 100th Meridian
3. Gypsy Kings - El Mariachi
4. Sheryl Crow - Good is Good
5. Kings of Leon - Sex On Fire
6. Louis Prima & Keely Smith - That Old Black Magic
7. Macy Gray - Shoo Be Doo
8. Adele - Hometown Glory (thanks Irish)
9. Barry White - Shaft (aw hell's ya!) (Can ya dig it?)
10. Xiang Xian - Lao Shu Ai Da Mi
That was random.

PS. Dear Blogger, 'afterwards' is not spelled incorrectly because the FUCKING OXFORD DICTIONARY SAYS IT ISN'T!!! You know, Oxford? Big university in England. Where the language came from.

PPS. Want more? Head on over to Keely's, the Mistress of Random.

Monday, March 23, 2009

He's Like Those Cute Little Toxic Frogs

Sure, he's all cute and cuddly when he needs to be, but it's a short step from this...

...to this.

I sleep with one eye open. Seriously. This kid acts like he's been exposed to gamma radiation.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Got A Quarter?

I've been bitching about my Wii Fit trainer a lot lately, but at one point last night while I was washing dishes and running back and forth between the TV and the sink I used my ass as a towel rag and woohoo! Bounce a quarter off these globes o'steel! Thanks for my ass, Nintendo.

It's all about sharing, right? Back to your weekend.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

He Blogs/She Blogs: Um... you know, stuff

Welcome welcome, one and all.... holy shit! A crow just landed in my back yard and I swear it's the size of a goat. I think it's burying a body in my garden. WTF? Sorry. I'm going to stop looking at it and hope it goes away. Where was I? Right. He Blogs/She Blogs-new shows on a different night!

In case you'd forgotten, or care, Petra and I decided to change up days for HBSB for awhile so now we're on Thursdays. Why? BECAUSE WE CAN!!! Muah ha ha ha haaaa *cough cough... meh* Ok, maybe I should get on with this. So, you send in the questions, Petra and I answer. Well, Petra mostly answers. I just bang on the keyboard like a monkey and publish whatever comes out. Onwards!

mo.stoneskin said...

Here's a question, and it is a boring one, so I would understand if you and Petra just rolled your eyes (collectively) and ignored it, but

How do you manage blog time in between family time? Or put another way, how do you prevent blogging and commenting etc from infringing on quality family time? I ask because it can be difficult at times.

Mr. Stoneskin, this is far from a boring question at all. In fact, it's one that I struggle with every day. Blogging can and does eat up a lot of time and managing it is a struggle. I love getting comments, who doesn't? I went for a long time before I started getting them regularly so I feel... I don't know if obligated is the right word, but I feel like I need to answer everyone who comments. Problem is, more comments, more time it takes to go back to everybody's site and answer. And that's on top of all the sites I usually visit. Squeezing all of that into the daily schedule doesn't always work with two little boys who demand my attention all of the time.

How do I manage my blog time? Not very well, but I'm open to any ideas you've got.

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

You said you hadn't gotten any questions yet so I'll toss you one.

In the middle of the night the baby cries. Do men truly not hear it or do they just pretend not to so they don't have to get up?

Huh? What? BMA, your words are hurtful. I have the senses of a ninja when it comes to my sleeping children. Luckily they're getting old enough that they don't wake up as much as they used to, but when they do I'm a blur of adrenalin. I'm in their rooms before I'm even awake. In fact, I'm constantly amazed by my semi-conscious ability to make it to their rooms without stubbing my toes and shins or bouncing off walls. I'm not that agile in the middle of the day. Now, that said, I will admit to letting Supreme Leader deal with it if she has stirred first. She may comment on this later, but ignore her. She's probably been drinking.

Smarty Pants Rants said...

So, i get the "no sex with shoes" thing, but what is it ABOUT shoes, particularly the FM pumps that gets a man going? is it the fragility they impose on a woman and her ability to get away, the look of the leg, or is it, like it is for me, simply the shoe? As a woman, perhaps distantly related to Carrie Bradshaw from Sex in the City, the right pair of shoes can do wonders for my libido.

I've never really understood the shoe thing. I mean, sure if it works with an outfit, but being turned on by them? Not so much. They're just high heels. Now, if we're talking those knee high boots? GOODGODYES! I so hope those don't go out of style any time soon.

Sprite's Keeper said...

Hm, I think I have a question! When I become ill, I just plug on about my day and try to silence the symptoms as best I can. When the husband gets sick, he announces every little twinge he feels. What is he looking for, soup or sympathy?

Wait? Could I get soup and sympathy at the same time? Guess I haven't been bitching enough. You know, us men get beaten down constantly for not sharing our feelings and talking and blah-dee-blah, but when we want to share our pain and suffering with you what happens? Accusations of "man-cold" and other less flattering names. All we want is a shoulder to wipe our noses on and someone to find the remote for us.

As always, please pop over to Petra's and see her coherent take on these questions. I should probably blather on a bit more about something, but even though I started this out earlier in the day it's now after 11pm and I'm tired. I'll blame everyone I was on Twitter with. If they'd only shut up and stop tweeting I could have been done a long time ago.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

House of Pain

Wii: Where have you been?
Me: I... we were on holiday.
Wii: You've been gone for days.
Me: Well, we went to visit my family, we haven't been up there since last fall.
Wii: And did you excercise while you were gone?
Me: Um... well... we didn't really have the time. It was cold up there.
Wii: Really? And you ate healthy?
Me: ...
Wii: Did cholesterol take a vacation too?
Me: My knee has been a little sore lately...
Wii: I'm going to hurt you. You should know that right now.
Me: It's only been a few days, come on.
Wii: 'Only a few days.' A few days of eating like a pig, not exercising and ignoring me.
Me: You don't have to make this personal.
Wii: Sometimes I wonder if you really love me...
Me: What?
Wii: I only hurt you because I care about you.
Me: You're making me uncomfortable.
Wii: I own your bitch ass, don't forget that.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Random Tuesday: My Sphincter Says What?

My sphincter was closed up tight enough to crush rocks yesterday so it didn't say a damn thing. But we'll get back to that later. First off, I haven't posted for five days! I've never gone that long without posting. I went up north to visit the family this weekend and figured I'd just post while I was there. Turned out I was expected to socialize. Guess I should have found some guest posters. Um... there is no second thing.


Random Tuesday time. Head on over to Keely's, grab a button and join in on the fun. It's like a laxative for your head. And speaking of laxatives, lets get back to my sphincter.

Oh come on! That was a great segue, admit it! Anyway, in my little corner of Canada, it is very much spring and despite some feeble attempts by Mother Nature, it has been for awhile now. However, where my family lives, and more importantly, in the Cascade Mountains that lie between where me and my family live, it's still very much winter. Do you know what a snowshed is? Looks like this:

No, it's not a tunnel. A tunnel goes through a mountain. This is what you build in spots that would continually be buried under avalanches all winter long and you don't feel like all that digging so you build a little ramp for the snow to ride over. Now, imagine that it looks more like this:

Except cover the two centre lanes in snow. Leave the outside lane partially covered so you'll fool yourself into thinking it's safer. Make sure it's really wet and slushy. Then make sure the hill you are traveling down is ridiculously steep so that even if you're trying to go slow gravity just makes you go fast anyway. Then cover your window with road salt that the other cars are kicking up faster than your wiper blades can clear away. Then enter that cave at about 100 km (62 mph) and run straight into mashed potato-like snow that's somehow worked it's way into the shed. Ah, there's nothing like that moment of clarity when you realize you have absolutely no control over your vehicle. Really needed a drink after that one.

We went to Walmart while we visited the family. We have a Walmart in our city, but it's so way the hell and gone from where we live it's actually easier to drive 500 km (310 miles) and go to theirs. Are people always so bitter there? Not that I minded. I wasn't shopping for anything so their suffering was most enjoyable. Anyway, we're in the checkout and an alarm goes off. Does Walmart store national security secrets or nuclear material? 'Cause I don't get that freakin alarm. I was expecting lasers and gas to follow. "I'm sorry! I thought I'd paid for the depleted Uranium!"

We never end up taking many pictures when we're visiting my family. It's not like they're grotesque or anything. Except for my sister. She did some experimental surgery a few years back, crazy what some people will do for a quick buck. Still, the doctors did an amazing job putting her back together. You can hardly tell where the tentacles were. The partial exo-skeleton is a little hard to cover up and the iron mask takes a little getting used to but the doctors insist it's best for everyone. The boys are totally comfortable with her now.

On Saturday, Liam crawls into my sister's lap, tells her he loves her, thanks her for the Christmas presents she gave him and farts on her leg. He's only three! Just think how much better he'll get.

This really wasn't so random, was it? Kind of a random events from my weekend post. Sorry. It was much better in my head on the drive home, only I couldn't write it down then on account of me driving. Meh, it's done.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

SAHD Haute Cuisine

To Vodka Mom with love. Sometimes, I even amaze myself.

In case you're wondering: Sunflower flax bread, Tuscan-style roasted ham, Kraft Extra Cheddar cheese slice, Kraft Macaroni & Cheese and a light kiss of Miracle Whip.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Random Tuesday: Out Here We Is Stoned, Immaculate


Random Tuesday! Go to Keely's, grab a button, spew forth!

Ok, is it just me or is the interblob a little dead the last few days? Or have I been blacklisted and I'm just the last to know? Would you tell me? Is it because I haven't been visiting lately? Because I try, honest. I've been busy. Reading blogs, writing blogs, writing stories, working on the house, working out, TV, books, kids, yadda yadda yadda. There aren't enough hours in the day. Hell, even the Wii is on my ass.

Fuck you, Wii Fit!

We picked up a new bath mat a couple of weeks ago. It is the single most softest thing I've ever touched. Can they make whole carpets out of that stuff? Bed sheets? Speaking of beds, why don't the make dog beds for humans? Who wouldn't want to sleep in one of those?

A couple of weeks ago my sister and brother-in-law went to Cancun for a week. I drove them to the airport in their car since the luggage was already there. My sister told me I could use it during the week which was sweet since we only have one vehicle. The next day, right before I was going to take the kids out for a play date, Supreme Leader noticed that the insurance had expired over a week before.
Mountie: Sir, I've pulled you over because your insurance has expired. License and registration, please.
Me: Uh, funny thing, officer, this is my sister's car.
Mountie: Are you ***** ******?
Me: No. Like I was saying, this is my sister's car...
Mountie: Who's children are these?
Me: Mine.
Mountie: They don't look like you.
Me: My wife is Asian.
Connor (lips trembling): We don't know this man.
Mountie: Step out of the car now.

What the hell does this mean? <3 Seriously, all I see are boobs. Or an ass.

Conversation with Connor while I rubbed his back as he lay on my lap on the bathroom floor waiting to see if there was anything left in his stomach he wanted to puke out.
Connor: Why are you rubbing my bum?
Me: I'm hoping a genie will pop out.

Conversation with Liam after he was sent to bed for... something.
Liam: I'm going to get this blanket and then I'm going to pick my nose and then I'm going to rub boogers on it!
Me: But it's your blanket.

Ten in a row from iTunes while I was writing this:

1. Sarah McLachlan - Stupid
2. The Doors - The Wasp (Texas Radio And The Big Beat) *This song is 4:16 of quotes, in fact, I think I'll use one for the title of this post*
3. The Last Town Chorus - Modern Love
4. Soundgarden - Black Hole Sun
5. Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers - American Girl
6. David Usher - Alone In The Universe
7. Tom Waits - Roxanne (Moulin Rouge)
8. Sigur Ros - Med Sud I Eyrum
9. Tom Jones - It's Not Unusual (I feel like throwing my panties)
10. Santogold - L.E.S. Artists

Conversation with wife after returning home with a prime rib.
Supreme Leader: I got a good piece of meat.
Me: You sure did.

What? She left the door open.

Monday, March 9, 2009

He Blogs/She Blogs: Sex, Hair, Secrets & Control

Damn, Monday again, eh? Wait, I'm unemployed... no biggie then. Not only that, since I'm on the West Coast and the majority of you aren't, I'm still asleep! Hey, don't look at me like that. Like the new banner for He Blogs, She Blogs? Ya? I had nothing to do with it. Petra, she's not just a really pretty face.

Ok, before we get to the questions, a few programming notes. We're going to be moving HBSB to Thursdays for awhile. HBSB's chi didn't feel quite right so after consulting a feng shui master it was decided that Thursday would be a much better day. Personally, I was a little leery of his results, but after getting liquored up this weekend and throwing the chicken bones, I've decided he is probably right. So, on we go.

First question is from Bad Karma and I guess I'll have to answer respectfully since if I don't I might be grounded.

Age old question that has never
been addressed. Why do men clutch
the tv remote to their chests,
why do they carry them with them
around the house. and WHY for
heaven sake do they insist on flicking through channels to 1/2
watch some other show-AND MISS
a lot of hostility here!!!

Why do we keep the remotes? Because the remote is power. It's control, and in the wrong hands, it's dangerous. I don't know what you're talking about with missing the show you were watching because that NEVER happens with me, which is why I keep the magic stick. My ability to internally count down the time between commercial breaks is frightening. Do you know what mitochondria are? They're cells that, amongst other things, act as a timer for all your other cells. That's how good I am at changing channels or running off to go to the bathroom or get something to eat and be back in time. It's on the cellular level. I'm one with the remote.

Alice said...

Okay, here's one for you: why the h*ll can't I see Mr. Linky? I can't link up on any of the good Carnivals anymore!

All right, maybe that won't work for heblogs/sheblogs. How about the long hair vs. short hair thing?

Mr. Linky? Sorry, Alice, but I think I'm missing some back ground for this one. As for the short hair versus long hair question? Hmm, I like it both ways. {Spidey senses tingling} Wait, let me rephrase that. I think it all depends on the woman. And personal preference. Or not. I don't find one woman sexier over another because of her hair, it's what works on her. I think the back of a woman's neck is very sexy, but it doesn't matter if I can see it because her hair is cut short or if it's tied up. As a man, if a woman is willing to have sex with me, or continually have sex with me, she could be wearing a hockey helmet. Who cares.


ANYway...question for HBSB: What's you belief on 'spousal privilege?' If your BFF or someone tells you a secret and says "don't tell anyone" do you think they will know you are going to tell your better half? Because it's that what your better half is for? To hold secrets like that because you trust them and need to bounce the secret off someone you know will be true to you. Thoughts?

Absolutely. How can you NOT tell a secret? Holding secrets in is bad for you, some would say potentially fatal. You have to tell someone and it should be the one person who knows all of yours. Well, everything after Witness Protection built you a new identity. Not only is your better half for secrets, for men, they're for everything. Once we're married we can stop remembering SO MUCH STUFF. Birthdays, anniversaries, social insurance numbers... the list is endless. See, you think we're dumb, but really, we're just making room for valuable information like sporting stats, movie dialogue and car stuff.

Giggle Pixie said...

Why can't I get my husband to understand that walking into a room and saying "Wanna go have sex?" doesn't exactly make my motor purr?

Especially when, if I take him up on the offer, he throws off all his clothes, jumps into bed, and then just lays there waiting for me to "make something happen"?

Maybe try explaining to him that, much like the movies that used to scare him as a child, the porn he watched when he was younger isn't real. "It's just a movie." Or maybe beat him to the punch, get naked before he does and tell him to make something happen. That said, sometimes you want sex but don't necessarily want the whole production. The full meal deal is great, everybody loves it, but it takes a lot of time. And time is a big stumbling block between men and woman, because for the most part, we don't need it and you do. I realize that is a huge generalization, but it's mostly right. I'm not saying men don't want all the detail work or don't enjoy it as much as you, it's just that we can skip straight to the end and still enjoy ourselves. Long story short (heh), you've got to talk to your partner and make them talk to you.

That's the news and I am outta' here. Make sure you stop by Petra's for the coherent side of these questions and if you're coming from Petra's, thanks for stopping by. Please leave us some questions.

Friday, March 6, 2009

The Gumbo Interview

Before Irish Gumbo went in to seclusion I was lucky enough to be interviewed by the legendary... interviewer. Much like a blind drunk Barbara Walters it wasn't long before I was sobbing uncontrollably and using my sleeves as hankies. Once he gets the answers he wants though, he's quick with a shoulder and a delicious single malt. Father, architect, poet laureate, investigative therapist...


You ever have one of those moments where you do something or say something, and you immediately hear a voice in your head say “Oh, shit, what have I done?”

This may be one of those times. The toothpaste cannot be put back in the tube, we can’t unscramble the eggs, no way to make a cow out of a truckload of hamburger.

They say that “whom the gods would destroy, they would first make angry” but I think it really all starts with a simple question, yeah?

Come, let’s venture into the deep end…

QUERY 01 – CD INTG Feb. 09: You have studied the Sutras every day for years, your meditation discipline has been noted by the Pramukha, who seems pleased. But your ass really hurts from sitting on the cold stone floor and enlightenment has eluded you. The Pramukha summons you before him. He smiles and from the low shelf behind his desk he takes a large glass jug containing a live goose. He holds it out to you and says “Samanera, I ask you this: How do you get the goose out of this jug alive without breaking the jug or harming the goose?” You look at him and say…?

"First off, how the fuck did you get that goose in there? Second, what would the Buddha think of what you've done to this poor goose? Does the Eightfold Path mean nothing to you? Pramukha my ass. My sore, frozen ass. No offense to the temple, but I've decided to study the ways of the Force and become a Jedi, like my father before me."
"Your father was a Jedi?" asks the Pramukha. I notice a slight change in his voice and the room suddenly feels colder.
"What? Ok, not really, but it sounded good."
"I'm afraid I cannot allow you to leave, Samanera," the old man chuckled. Were his eyes always that shade of yellow? Outside, the stomp of boots filled the air. Somehow I didn't think the monks were coming with their begging bowls.
"Sith bastard!" I turn on my light sabre beneath my cloak hoping for an extra moments surprise and thrust it towards the leering "Prumukha." I manage to catch him off guard but his reflexes are so fast that I only manage to pierce his thigh as he rolls backwards off his pillow. Lightning flashes from his left hand and the bottled goose explodes into a cloud of glass and feathers. The paneled doors burst open revealing dozens of blaster armed "monks." Without looking I use the Force to push the men away from the entrance so I can focus my attention on the Sith. As the Prumukha and I circle each other warily he withdraws two light sabres of his own from the deep folds of his robes. Their red glow deepens his evil visage. "Impressive, Padawan, but you are only prolonging the inevitable."
"Did I achieve enlightenment, Pramukha?" I ask innocently, positioning myself so my back is towards the inner courtyard.
"I freed the goose by making you get him out."
"But like you, he didn't get out alive," growled the Sith.
The bloodied goose carcass now lay at my feet. I winked at the Sith and kicked the body at his head then back flipped out of his chambers to the courtyard a floor below.

Query 02 – CD INTG Feb. 09: On those days where life has its claws sunk in deep, and you can feel that last straw starting to crack, what is it that keeps you from completely losing your shit and running out (or should I say ‘oot’, to go Canadian on you?) the door and never come back?

I like to go on a Spirit Quest. This generally involves walking north onto the tundra for days on end until I find a polar bear. We then fight under the heavenly glow of the aurora borealis until one or both of us lies broken and bleeding in the snow. Then we share a bottle of fermented seal's milk and laugh at the universe until we pass out. I usually wake up a few days later in Tuktoyaktuk wearing only a wolf skin and a foppish grin. That always clears my head.

Oh, and I'VE NEVER SAID 'OOT' IN MY WHOLE FREAKIN' LIFE! It's a standard Canadian joke, but I think it's limited to a very small number of Ontarians. I remember meeting one in Germany once and me and my buddies all shied away from him like he was a leper. Or he'd just walked in with his sister under one arm and a banjo under the other.

Query 03 – CD INTG Feb. 09: Do clocks really matter to you?

I love clocks. I love watches. I love the atomic clock. I love the fact that there is an atom that pulses once every 60 seconds and can track time perfectly. I love leap year's and the fact that the Earth doesn't revolve at a perfect 365 days and has to be adjusted every four years. I love that there are people out there smart enough to figure this shit out. I love that they did this a long long time ago. I love clocks. That doesn't mean I'll ever remember my oldest son's class lets out a half hour early on Fridays though. The run keeps me in shape.

Query 04 – CD INTG Feb. 09: You have been given the singular opportunity to perform in concert at a major criminal detainment facility, as an outreach to the allegedly dangerous folks incarcerated therein. Where would you perform, what instrument and song(s) would you play, and why?

I would play a joint concert for the Valley State Prison for Women and the Central California Women's Facility which are across the street from each other and are "possibly the largest women’s prison complex in the world." I would play a carefully thought out mixture of hard core German thrash metal and Celine Dion favourites. My instrument would be the pan flute, 'cause I think chics dig it.

Query 05 – CD INTG Feb. o9: Mayonnaise – tongue-worthy condiment or hurl-inducing abomination?

Spinach and artichoke dip, aïoli, Thousand Island dressing, etc etc etc. Ok, I just checked the recipe for artichoke dip and apparently mayonnaise is not one of the ingredients. Still, I'd give a finger for some right now. Also, in Denmark, they serve their hot dogs with this weird kind of mayo that just SO WORKS. Seriously, last meal, that would be on my list.

Now that I stop and think of it though, I'm not actually thinking of mayonnaise, but Miracle Whip. Hmm. Well, it's still good for making other things with. Of course, it's not Thai peanut sauce which I would happily eat on road kill or say, your arm. Mmm, peanut sauce...

And with that the blinding light was turned off, I was untied from the chair and blindfolded again. His hench... assistants could have been a little gentler throwing me into the back of their van or when they dropped me off in a back alley, but I won't complain. After all, I did cheat my way into winning the interview in the first place. Had I known I'd be coming home missing a kidney though...

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Random Tuesday: Pictoral Edition


It's Tuesday again... I SAY THAT - HUH? HMM. HIT THE CAPLOCK BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? SCREW IT, I'M LEAVING IT ON. Maybe not, it looks like I'm yelling. I've lost my train of though. Train of thought? More like one of those old train cars with the teeter-totter handle where a guy on either end has to push it up and down. Now I'm just rambling. It's Random Tuesday! Go over to Keely's (she's hot, she's fit!) and check out all the other crazies... contributors.

Today's random? Random photos. That's right. I know what you're thinking. He's genius. So first off,

The less said about this the better, though it did result in a sympathy bottle of wine from our neighbour so it's not all bad. Next off, you probably think I just sit at home all day with the kids drinking beer and playing video games, but no. I teach them things. Valuable things like structural engineering.

And how to take care of themselves in ANY situation.

Apple lime juice.

I don't like apple juice. Too sweet, too heavy. Add some lime to it though?! Boo-ya! Find some, try it.

Because somebody asked me awhile back what Vietnamese coffee looks like. You get a glass with some condensed milk poured in in. The metal thing on top contains the coffee. You pour hot water into it and it slowly seeps through and fills up the glass. This isn't a fast drink. But oh, so tasty.

I know I've done the album cover meme before, but the one Robin from Cinnamon & Honey has up on her blog is so easy to do I had to do it again. And I love mine. I love it so much I may have to create my own band so I can use this on our first album. Go try, really. Robin has this meme set up so well on her page you barely have to think. That's a serious stamp of approval from Us & Them.

PPS. The tree pose, just for Braja:

Monday, March 2, 2009

He Blogs/She Blogs: (Your Name Here)

Before we get into this weeks HBSB, I need to explain some things to any of you who are unfamiliar to this. I realized after I posted last week that it probably would have been a good idea to do that then. Oops. So here it is (oh, if you're a regular to HBSB you can skip this), readers (YOU!) send in questions they (YOU!) would like answered. Say, things the opposite sex does or doesn't do that confuses you. Then Petra and I choose four per week and give you a male and female perspective on them. So go ahead and ask, anything you'd like to know. Speed of light? 299,792,458 metres per second. That doesn't really have anything to do with relationships, but I'm here for you.

So today we have four new questions. I'll be answering mine here and Petra will be answering the same ones over at The Wise (*Young*) Mommy. Go check her out. Really, not hard on the eyes, that one. *wink* Then you can laugh, cry or spit profanities at your monitor and come up with some questions. What? Um, boxers.

Ok, so first out of the gate is... Cat? Seriously? Again? Ok, Cat's question:

"Metrosexuals" - awesome new breed of hetero, or same old breed of in denial?

Well, since starting my forced sabbatical I've fallen back into the realm of sweat pants and shaving whenever, but when I was working, I rode that pretty boy train. Man bag, moisturizers and co-ordinated outfits, oh yes. A man likes to feel pretty sometimes. In my previous to my previous job it was all jeans, t-shirt and steel-toed boots, but then I transferred to a department full of women. And women, they change you. It's osmosis, you can't escape it. First it's a dab of hand cream just to get them off your back, but then you notice how nice it smells every time you answer the phone. Moisturizer? Hey! My skin does look better.

I'd have been a much better metrosexual if I'd been paid more, but I did my best. Denial? Oh no, Cat.

How you doin?

Tony said - there are a few things I've wondered about, such as:

Why do women try on 20 different things, asking us how they look in each one and then end up wearing the first thing they tried on?

Why do women ask us which shoe matches their outfit better - dude, I don't even care if they wear shoes or not much less if they match their outfit.

Tony, I'm with ya, brother. I think both these questions can be lumped together since they're pretty much the same thing. Ladies, thank you very much for trying to include us, we appreciate it, but we both know that the only reason you're asking is because you don't have a friend or sister around to ask instead. Really, this question is a double edged sword. First, we don't want to answer. We've been dressed for half an hour already (or, we already know exactly what we're going to put on and have some spare time) and we've sat back down to watch some TV while we wait for you. You've put us in an awkward position because A: we don't know and B: you're now interrupting whatever it is we're watching. Second, if we don't give you an answer (which you don't want anyway) and either blow you off or pick some easy option you've given us, then you get mad because we're not helping or... whatever. Seriously, you were dressing yourself well before we came into the picture. Keep up the good work.

A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

Hmm. I've got a few questions.

Like, how come men are born knowing how to clean fish and can even eat those same fish afterward?

How come men have no problem looking at a naked uncooked turkey and removing the giblets, while women (if they're like me) run from the kitchen heaving at the sight?

Ha! That's funny Lawyer's Mom. If I want clean fish I go out for sushi. Mmmm, sushi. What? Sorry. Clean a fish? Like with soap and water? I don't get it. You mean like pull out its guts and stuff after cutting its head off? I don't think so. I know there are lots of men like this, and good for you all. Personally, I've never eaten anything I've killed. I'm not into cannibalism. Er... I mean... I live in a large city so there's no reason for me to hunt. Ya.

Moving on.

DC Urban Dad asks:

How about shoes?

Or okay, sex.

Sex with shoes? I don't judge these kind of things, Matt, if that works for you, well you go for it, brother. Can't say it does anything for me, but then again, I've never tried. Never had sex with a man either, but I think I'll put both of them on the shelf with things I'm going to skip this lifetime.

And there's week two down. Hope you enjoyed the show, and make sure you head over to Petra's to see the other side of this. Unless you're coming from there. Seriously though, send Petra and me some questions.