Tuesday, April 26, 2011

"U kalle rah doe kankee kung"*

Much like a dog or a wild animal that's tasted human blood for the first time, Finn's need to stick everything into his mouth, regardless of size, shape or common sense has now become a serious issue. It started out as it usually does, bit of paper, fuzz, the occasional dropped cereal around the dining table. As with his older brothers, it progressed on to toy cars, remote controls, et cetera. Now though...

That there? That's a chunk of burnt wood from the fireplace. We caught him eating a nice sharp charred bit last week. Sharp like glass, sharp. And after we fished it out of his mouth? He tried to go back for more, hence the picture of it sitting in my car port.

Then the inevitable. Supreme Leader has him in his big brother's room and hears a gagging noise. Jamming a finger in his mouth after wrestling him away from the Lego box she can feel something hard and pointy in there but needs to reposition since he's fighting her and trying to eat her finger as well. Then it's gone. We're not sure whether or not it's still in his stomach or he spat it out when she picked him up, but I can tell you where it hasn't been for half a week of diaper changes. Damn kids.

Liam to Supreme Leader after being asked to be left alone to play: "It's not that I don't want you in my life, I just want to be alone for now."

I love people who cough in your ear on the phone. Once is understandable, but when you do it consistently that just makes you a horrible human being who deserves flaming genital warts.

And how about we just leave it at flaming genital warts.

*"You are my kind of scum." -Jabba the Hutt

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The tide is high but I'm holding on...*

So where have I been? No, really where the hell have I been? I woke up yesterday in an alley behind a bar in Veracruz with a bullet in my thigh, a pocket full of Peruvian cash and no memory of the last week. Having a new baby really takes a toll. Seriously, just look at this kid.

No, that's not ketchup or jam around his mouth, on his shirt or smeared across his fists, it's blood. No no no, don't be boo hooing or poor babying him, he's a terrorist. At ten and a half months he has had more split lips than both his older brothers have had in their combined 13 and a half years.

I don't even like baseball, but I love this commercial.

Part two of my surgery texts with my sister, the aftermath:

Sister: I'm alive.
Me: Yay! Thanks for reminding me to call you.
Me: Do you have a peg leg?
Sister: Yes rhet even lent me a parrot til I can afford my own!!!!
Sister: Not rhet they.
Me: Our health care is awesome!
Sister: Right!!!!
Me: 'Not rhet they?' Are you still doped up?
Sister: I was correcting my spelling mistake... Smart ass.
What made you so cold and heartless... sniff sniff
Me: Whatever, dope head.

Connor: My tummy feels funny.
Supreme Leader: Do you have a tummy ache? What does it feel like?
Connor: It feels like moths mating, or like I ate three grains of rice.
Me: *inside voice* WTF?

Somebody turned six on Sunday. Six? No, SIX!

*I couldn't think of a title so I started up iTunes and took the first line out of the first song that came up.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

"Mush! Mush!"

Text message conversation between me sister and I. (Background: my sister damaged her knee badly during the 2008 Iditarod when she lost control of her sled and had to have several surgeries on it. This past winter, deciding it would be a good idea to take up snowboarding, she injured the same knee again and has to undergo another surgery. A surgery we've spoken about MANY times previous to this.)

Sister: My surgery is booked for April 12th
Me: For the bone growing in your neck? (long standing joke, you wouldn't get it)
Sister: Asshole!
Me: What's wrong with your asshole?
Sister: Um, you're the asshole!!!! I am having knee surgery!!!
Sister: You're kidding, right?
Sister: Yer soooooo funny.
Me: I was laughing.
Meh, maybe you had to be there. Also, my sister never really competed in the Iditarod, but she has been to Alaska on a repositioning cruise.

PS. A repositioning cruise is where a cruise ship is moved between seasons, like a ship that travels the coast of Mexico during the winter is brought up to Vancouver or Seattle to cruise to Alaska for the summer.

Friday, April 1, 2011

RTT: Friday

Day 5 and the conclusion of my RTT tribute. It's been fun. And a pain in the ass, which is probably why Keely is taking a "break."


Me: Hi, this is Chad from _____.
Customer: Jam?
Me: .... um, sure.

Wouldn't it be great to be able to use Firefox at work? Or Google Chrome? Safari? A typewriter and stamps? I don't care if it's an 'industry standard,' Internet Explore blows, regardless of what version it is. Forcing people to use it is cruel and unusual.

There was something here but now there's not. Hi Billy-Kwan!

Trying to scrub down my oldest, and most ticklish, in the bath tub last night.
Me: I don't care if it tickles, if I don't get you scrubbed down you'll get all nasty and covered with scabs.
Connor: What are scabs?
Me: Scabs, like when the blood dries up over a cut.
Connor: Why would I get scabs? (still deflecting the wash cloth)
Me: Cause you'll be all dirty and disgusting and you'll itch until you start to bleed and you'll be covered in scabs that will get all infected...
Connor: *laughing*
Supreme Leader: *laughing*
Liam: *using penis as a puppet*
Me:  *tosses wash cloth* Wash yourself

A few months back I took the boys to the pet store and let them pick out a couple of fish for our aquarium. They both picked some ornamental goldfish that I have come to despise. All they do is eat and crap and kill plants and crap some more. Between eating they spend all their time, ALL of their time, looking for more food. And crapping. I hate them. Unfortunately I've made my displeasure known quite publicly so if any sort of "accident" were to happen, not that it ever would, I would be the prime suspect. Fucking goldfish.

Alright, good enough. Hope you enjoyed the ride and have a good weekend.