Tuesday, September 29, 2009

RTT: Tasty Babies. Wait! Come Back, It's Not What You Think!

See? Baby shaped pears. That wasn't so bad. What the hell were you thinking?

Ok, maybe they're Buddha shaped pears, but either way, kudos to the farmer that came up with the idea of sticking a plastic mold around a young pear.

Random Tuesday? Oh, I got your random.


Did you watch Flash Forward last week? Do you watch Lost? Did you notice the billboard behind the two FBI agents advertising Oceanic Airlines?

Speaking of cool new shows, thanks for cancelling Defying Gravity ABC, you suck.

How is it my six year old can read off a word like Ichthyornids* like latin is his second language and yet ask for help pronouncing something like "common?" Although, when I told him to work it out for himself, he covered the last three letters with his thumb and then read the first three like I do when I'm helping him. Made me feel all warm and fuzzy.

Speaking of reading, it's Banned Books Week, so go pick up a copy of Huck Finn or Catcher in the Rye or evil of evil's, Harry Potter and be damned. Sorry Nazi book burning haters, you're not welcome here. Go ahead, unfollow. If you do like books, check out Satan's Bookclub (no actual affiliation with the Prince of Darkness and the banner is HAWT).

For most of September we had above normal temperatures here. Yesterday I heard on the news that we're now heading into some below normal weather. This morning I heard that the mountains to the east of us are expecting 10cm of fresh snow tonight. My grass was concerned I might overlook it.

On House last night a patient started hallucinating and ran through hospital trying to flee imaginary monsters and bats. Why is it that all the doctors, nurses and orderlies just walked past him without trying to help?

*Early sea bird from the Cretaceous era, about a 100 million years ago.

Monday, September 28, 2009

BOGO: Monday's Muse & Spin Cycle

Saturday night, while sitting in front of the computer and feeling about as creative as a 185 pound lichen, I stumbled upon a cool website called 10Q.

If you were too lazy to read the picture, the gist of it is you are emailed a question a day for ten days at the end of which the questions and answers are stored up until next year when they are emailed back to you. Cool right? Before you go getting all excited about this though, the whole idea is tied into Rosh Hashanah/Yom Kippur which is all done with tonight so it's too late to play. Seeing that I didn't have to be Jewish or serious in my answers, I was suddenly inspired and copied them all down.

Then I thought, hey, I haven't done Robin's Monday Muse in awhile. Then I thought, hey hey, I haven't done Jen's Spin Cycle in like, FOREVER! And their both Jewish! Robin's meme is all about things that inspire you and I was inspired by a website put together by people celebrating a holiday steeped in LOTS of tradition which, coincidentally, is what this week's Spin Cycle is about. I know, sometimes I amaze myself too. What? No, they're not my traditions, but so what? They're still traditions.

Anyway, then I looked at all the questions and decided ten was just way too many. So here are three.

1. Describe a significant experience that has happened in the past year. How did it affect you?

Well, losing my job was pretty significant. How did it effect me? I was unemployed. How does it continue to effect you? I'm still unemployed.

8. Is there something (a person, a cause, an idea) that you want to investigate more fully in 2010?

Crime. After years of slaving away for the Man and my unsucessful month of trying to find a new job I've decided I'd like to investigate crime as a way to support my family. I don't want to do anything really bad, but I like the way Nancy Botwin spends her days. She doesn't really do all that much aside from drinking iced lattes and driving around a lot. Plus, she's always dressed nicely. I think I could do that. Plus, it's highly unlikely that I'll ever become impregnated by a Mexican crime lord. Win win!

9. What is a fear that you have and how has it limited you? Think about how you could overcome it this year.

Zombies. Not so much the fear of them on their own because they're slow and fairly easy to kill as long as you don't let yourself be overwhelmed by large numbers. No, the fear is zombies and my family. Being constantly worried about them when we're out has kept us pretty close to home this year.

To overcome this fear I've decided to enroll the boys in martial arts and work with my wife so she is more comfortable around firearms and long bladed weapons. Not only will it help make me feel more comfortable, it's something we can do as a family.


Friday, September 25, 2009

That's Great, It Starts With An Earthquake, Birds And Snakes, An Aeroplane - Dear So & So

Dear NBC,

Five hours of prime time a week given up for Jay Leno? Seriously? You cancelled Life for this?

Disgruntled TV Whore

Dear Public and especially the Media (at least in the Vancouver area),

Next time there's an officer involved shooting why don't we all try something different for a change and not just assume the police did something wrong and maybe the knife (gun, club, syringe) wielding doped out dangerous re-offender had it coming. Think of it as Darwinism.

Hang 'em high

Dear Irish Gumbo,

You and Supreme Leader have both been cooking from Fuchsia Dunlop's Revolutionary Chinese Cookbook. She made Peng's home-style bean curd and wanted to show you.

Fat Boy

Dear Attempting to be Cool,

I don't care who made your shirt, that's still glitter, dude. Man it up.

Stands up to pee

Dear Hoover,

My vacuum catching on fire? Not cool. Not cool at all.

Wishing I was Heather Armstrong

Dear Dyson that we borrowed from the sister-in-laws,

You sucked dirt out of the wood floor boards under the carpet and I think the air in my house is cleaner. Thanks.

Will advertise for free if you give me a vacuum

Dear Starbuck-less in Khartoum,

I drank this Pumpkin Spice latte and thought of you, Michel. You're welcome.

*Dear Self,

Stop inhaling the cinnamon off the top of the whipped cream, you idiot.

Your lungs

Dear mother at my son's pre-school who stood around complaining to your friend about how long the elevator was taking,

I know taking the stairs up one floor is a challenge, but maybe you should think about that later when you're complaining to your friend that your ass is getting big. Just a thought.

Trying to set an environmental/physical fitness example

Dear So and So...

Join the fun at Kat's.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Moore... Benjamin Moore

I should insert some James Bond-ish picture here, but I'm too lazy for that. I finally finished my last painting project in the house, the master bedroom. Which would make me the MASTER. Muah ha haa! I need an Igor. I could use the kids but they're too disobedient. Meh. Anyway, two months + of removing wallpaper that went up some time between Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back and two days to paint. What? Oh, Summer Mist:

You know what? That's a lie. It was waaaaaaay longer than two months. I started pulling off that crap ages ago. That's when I discovered the layer of paper bag like... well, paper still attached to the wall and gave up for awhile. Then there was a few half-hearted attempts to pick it off followed by fabric softener in a spray bottle, buckets of hot water and a garden hoe and finally just setting it on fire. Whatever, it's all in the past.

I didn't do Random Tuesday yesterday, partly because of all the painting, but mostly because it's the most wonderful time of the year! No, I'm not referring to that Staples commercial and the kids going back to school. Whatever. It's mid-September and that means season premiers and the start of the new TV season. Bones and Fringe started last week, Weeds started Sunday and Monday was back to back House and Heroes! New shows from eight til midnight! (Oh and if you watch Fringe, was that scene where Agent Dunham flies through the window of her SUV an hour after the accident cool or what?) In fact, as I'm writing this last night (heh) I'm watching NCIS and NCIS: Los Angeles. Mmm, Cote de Pablo. There's just something about a woman who can handle a gun. Speaking of guns, Summer Glau is on Dollhouse now that Sarah Connor is cancelled, but I don't know. As much as I love her, I just can't get into that show. Grey's Anatomy starts tomorrow which means two hours of me weeping in Supreme Leader's arms as she mutters about me acting like a girl and telling me to bitch up. Quality time.

Hmm? I know I was leading towards something when I started, or at least I assume I was, but it's gone now. So paint and TV! Peace out!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

If I Should Fall From Grace With God Where No Doctor Can Relieve Me*

Ha! I'm such a loser. My tab button was stuck and I started writing about it being stuck and whacking it with my pinky finger to unstick it and it unstuck and published itself.

Guess you had to be here.

I had a grandiose post planned for today. I was going to solve America's health care issues and publish my cure for H1N1 and leave you laughing like a hyena at the absurd simplicity of it all, but after spending the day feeding the poor and giving four litres (one gallon) of blood to the Red Cross I'm just too exhausted. Ok, that's bullshit. The real reason is that I've been watching an obscene amount of 30 Rock and Weeds in the past few days since the new tv season is starting soon and I have to be ready. And disc 3 of season one for 30 Rock is due back tomorrow. Also, I promised Middle Aged Woman that I'd do a He Read/She Read review of Pride & Prejudice & Zombies with her and I'm a little behind in the book because I got distracted reading another awesome book**. And watching a lot of tv. I haven't done a book review in like... forever so I'm a little nervous about his now. I may have to do something in grilled cheese.

Anyway, I've got a question for you. If you could go back in time and witness an historical event, what would you pick? And I don't mean take part in, I mean like, pack a lunch and a folding chair to watch from a distance. What would it be? I'm serious here. Comment. Tell me. The reason I'm asking is because I've been writing a story for my kids and my original story has moved well beyond where I thought I was going with it and I kinda have an idea where to go next but you might have a better idea which I could then steal from you and use as my own but I'd totally make you into a character in the story if I decided to use yours. And I'd tell you that I'd mention your name in the dedication, but that would be assuming it's ever going to get published, and come on, look at what you've been reading so far. But if it ever did turn into the Great American Novel I'd totally mention you in the dedication. And I know I'm not American, but Canada only has a population of 30 million-ish and the U.S. has like... hold on... wow, 300 million so you know where my literary ass is for sale if it ever comes to that. By the way, according to Wikipedia the U.S. also has a GDP of $14.264 trillion dollars. Not that you needed to know that, but what would you buy with $14 trillion dollars. Wait! Ignore that. Answer the history question first, because that was a serious question. Then you can answer the trillion dollar question.

*This title has nothing to do with this post, I've just had the Pogues in my head all afternoon.
**Last Argument of Kings by Joe Abercrombie

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Random Tuesday: Keep On Rockin' In The Free World

Liam: Daddy, I love you as big as the Death Star.
Me: I love you too, baby.


Ok, let's start this out on the wrong foot:

I bought a dresser for Liam this weekend. As I was bringing it into the house, in my sandals, I dragged it over my big toe and pulled half the nail off. I was very happy to be alone in the house so I could dig deep and make use of my extensive, multi-lingual knowledge of profanity. Aside from the whimpering, it was impressive.

A few month back I won a Kodak Zi6 from Amy of the Bitchin' Wives Club. The boys and I made a video to thank her but then she went and moved off to the wilds of internetless England and couldn't see it. Thankfully she's rejoined us in the 21st century so I'm putting it up now.

(Amy got the camera from the Blogher conference, it's pink) (what?)

"Plaque never sleeps." From my four year old, apropos nothing. (Just for you, Dental Maven)

Hey KFC. Tender juicy boneless chicken wings made from 100% breast meat aren't really wings, are they? They're tender juicy breasts... Sorry, where was I going with this?


SCRIBE MUNDO DE PAPEL from ladies on Vimeo.

I heart strawberry soy milk.

I'm getting tired of those commercials for those internet sticks that let you use your laptop anywhere. The ones where they show some annoyingly happy person talking about how they can download music at the beach or bank from a park bench at lunch or something. Yes, being able to use your computer anywhere is great, but seriously, I can barely see the tiny screen on my phone when it's sunny out. A big reflective laptop screen? Oh sure.

Haven't done this in awhile. Ten from iTunes while I wrote this:

1.The Day I Died - Just Jack
2. Bear - The Antlers
3. Jump In The Pool - Friendly Fires
4. Remedy - Little Boots
5. Mahgeetah - My Morning Jacket
6. Very Busy People - The Limousines
7. Oxford Comma - Vampire Weekend
8. Sweet Sweet Baby - Michelle Featherstone
9. This Year - The Mountain Goats
10. Never Forget You - The Noisettes
(big thanks to Kat for five of these)

Alright. Everybody off the bus. Go bother Keely for awhile.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Cracks In The Wall

"Were you born an asshole or did you work at it your whole life?"
- Jimmy Buffett, The Asshole Song

"I'm an asshole."
- Denis Leary, I'm An Asshole

Ever just wake up and know that you should not spend the day in civilized company? Or the company of vikings, pirates or barbarian hordes? Me neither. But after wandering around the house lost and getting into several fights with a four and six year old this weekend my wife "suggested" that I should get out of the house. Maybe go for a bike ride. A long one. I knew she had a point, but I also knew that it was almost lunch and I had only had a cup of coffee and a slice of banana bread for breakfast which would not provide much juice for exercise. After some milling about and grumbling I decided to hell with it and got dressed. Then I looked outside and noticed what I thought was a mild breeze was actually gale force winds that were bending the trees sideways.

"Why don't you go to Starbucks. Take a book or do some writing. It will be quiet," Supreme Leader said. Grumbling. Change clothes. Stand in the middle of my room and grumble some more. As much as I REALLY needed some alone time, everything I wanted to be alone with was actually in the house, like my computer and my TV and my big comfortable bed. Yes I could have taken a book to read and some notebooks, but I didn't really want to sit in Starbucks for that long. There's too much distraction from Starbucks music and getting a sore ass from Starbucks chairs (because you know if you want to actually sit in there the good chairs won't be available) and eavesdropping on Starbucks conversations.

I think that with the end of summer and the rapid approach of school the boys and I just ran out of things to do and were starting to get cabin fever. That and worrying about work. And worrying about my wife working too much overtime. And worrying about her worrying about me not working. And the usual not getting a second to myself during the day. Ya. I might have been a little tense.

In the end I just decided to stay at home and lock myself in our bedroom for awhile, but when I went to tell Supreme Leader she told me that her and the boys were going out instead. Do I have the best wife or what? Sure she's still planning my dietary murder, but even that is pretty awesome. Tasty tasty murder. So I had the house to myself. Did I read? Work on my stories? Blog? Nap? No. I watched all of 30 Rock, season two. Now it's all butterfly wings and rainbows out my ass.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

"Book 'em, Danno..."

I'm in Hawaii today at Pseudonymous High School Teacher's eating people and enjoying the beach. Ok, I'm not really in Hawaii, but oh, if only I was...

Come over and see the tasty carnage.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Aequitas – Veritas*

Ní dhoirtfear fuil neamhchiontach choíche. Ach sruthóidh fuil na n-olc mar abhainn. Leathfaidh an triúr a n-eiteoga dubhaithe agus beidh siad ina chasúr buailte Dé.**

Sweet Jesus, Mary & Joseph! It's been ten years since the Boondock Saints. (Sorry for the age verification.)

*Justice and Truth

**Never shall innocent blood be shed. Yet the blood of the wicked shall flow like a river. The three shall spread their blackened wings and be the vengeful striking hammer of god. (I'm not a religious person, but I can get behind smiting)

PS. I'm over on Pseudonymous High School Teacher Monday. If you've never experience the raw genius of my grilled cheese art, be sure to stop by. I hope to either offend you or make you hungry. Both would be perfect.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Why Did I Bother?

So I just found this photo editing site called Aviary (and when I say 'I just found' I mean my SIL found it and sent me the link) which finally lets me screw around with pictures. And hey, Apple? Why don't I have anything like MS Paint on my Mac? Sure it sucks, but I could've been posting photos like this for years now.

Fish.egg  on AviaryFish.egg on Aviary.

Fish: Dude, you're so lame. Why not admit that you just don't have any ideas? Why even post at all?
Me: Shut up.
Fish: You didn't even do anything to the picture, just added some text.
Me: I'm tired. It's been a long day.
Fish: Hey you! Ya, you reading this. Don't even bother commenting, he doesn't deserve it.
Me: Look, Mr. Fishy, it's the toilet!
Fish: Damn Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!

PS. WTF?! Why does the whole photo show up in Preview but not when it's published? Gah!

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Random Tuesday: Um...

Connor: Daddy, how did you fertilize mommy?
Me: Um....


I love disaster movies. We've only had one trailer out for this movie in North America so this is a new one from Japan. Even if this movie sucks, the trailers are great.

Remember when Twitter was cool?

Supreme Leader: Liam, come here and I'll wipe your boogers for you.
Liam: That's ok, mommy, I pushed it back in.

Vodka Mom and I worked on a post over at Lost and Found in India this weekend. While we were busy emailing back and forth I may have forgotten something...

If you didn't read our post, have a look.

missed connections - I have absolutely no idea what this means. I wrote it on a sticky for a random Tuesday thought but I guess it was a little too random.

Wait, wait, wait. Now I remember what it was. Missed Connections, the blog. It's by an artist named Sophie Blackall. She takes random (like the tie in?) moments of day to day life and paints a picture of them. It's great work. If you get the chance, click this link to see the intro page to her personal website. You need sound, so if you're at work, don't bother, you'll miss the magic.

Now I've probably got a couple of my artist readers upset because I've never pimped them. Um... well you've got a point there. But I'd be happy to if you liked.

Alright, get off my lawn. Go mill about on hers.