Tuesday, December 29, 2009

RTT: We're Pilgrims In An Unholy Land*

We've got a new computer in the house and it's a PC. Our beloved octogenarian of an iMac got to the point where it was too painful to use for any length of time. On Christmas Day Supreme Leader's sisters brought over a new computer for us which was super wonderful of them. It's got all these extra buttons on the mouse though and I can't drag things anywhere. Still, it's pretty, fast and the bruises on my forehead from beating it agaist the desk are fading.


Random Tuesday, grab the button and vent. It's like cleansing but without all the gross stuff.

Wife: Are you shaking your head at me?
Me: No, I'm looking back and forth quickly.

For all those who delight in the heavenly cured porcine wonder that is bacon.

I've already for citizenship.

Most of the Christmas toys were taken upstairs yesterday where Connor promptly arrayed them into a vast army. The good guys are American and he's fighting the Revolutionary War. I tried to explain that we were kinda' on the other side in that one, but like most things I say, he just ignored me.

Something I never expected to be saying over Christmas: Put down the dead monkey and come here.

Something I never expected to hear from my six year old: You're not here for the sweets, honey, you've got a job to do.

Saw two movies over the holiday, Julie & Julia and Inglorious Bastards. Julie and Julia was pretty good, though I didn't think Julie and her husband Eric's fight was walk out worthy. Laughed my ass off when he told her something he did better not end up in her blog. Inglorious Bastards was good, but not for the faint of heart. I love that Quentin Tarantino will kill anyone in his films at anytime. I wish I had that power.

Was that out loud?


Head over to Keely's, clean yourself out.

*Name the movie quote and win a warm little piece of my cold black heart.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

RTT: ChristmASS

I still haven't seen my favourite Christmas movie yet this year.



Last weekend we were out driving somewhere and had our car radio tuned to a Christmas station. This late 80's electric guitar/synthesizer/orchestral version of Carol of the Bells comes on and Connor gets all excited. "Daddy, it's the music from Halo!" Sure enough, this horrible piece of Xmas music sounds exactly like the background music from the video game. I did look for a YouTube link to the song but I couldn't find it. Just as well, it's terrible. Still, if you find yourself under attack by an evil group of aliens hell bent on eradicating humans at least you've got something Christmasey to listen to.

The other night I was walking to my bus stop after work and I see this woman waiting for a pedestrian to cross the street so she can make a left. And she honks at the guy crossing the road! 'Tis the season to be jolly or not, pull that shit on me and I will key your ass as you drive by. Ho ho ho.

I saw this on Fragrant Liar's blog last Thursday and it was too beautiful not to share.

Seeing a cat with his head stuck up Mr. Potato Head's ass is not something you see every day.

If you've ever lived in a city that's hosted an Olympics you'll know that the Olympic committee can go a little Nazi-ish when it comes to copyright infringement. They put the hammer down on anybody using the name "Olympics" or any form of it as well as any use of the city's name and the date, like Vancouver 2010. For example, there was a pizza place in Vancouver named Olympic Pizza. It's had that name for something like three decades and they were forced to change it. Now, I LOVE the Olympic games and I know they cost a fortune to run, but were they really worried about losing pizza sales? And how exactly to you copyright a 2700 year old event? Anyway, Vancouver based Lululemon introduced a new line of sports wear called the "Cool Sporting Event That Takes Place in British Columbia Between 2009 and 2011 Edition." Heh heh. I'm all for stickin it to the MAN.

Low-rise ass cracky jeans. Mom's, if you want to let me see your bum that's A-OK with me, but your nine year old daughter's? That. Is. Just. Wrong.

Monday night around 9:30 our power goes out. As I'm standing in the middle of my black kitchen I hear Supreme Leader shout down from upstairs, "Hey! The power is out."

I'm just going to leave that there.

Yes, I'm going to pay for it.

Go see the Un-Mom's for more crazy Random Tuesdayness.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Gettin' My Groove Back, Gingerbread Style

My sister-in-law's were making cookies this weekend. They started with gingerbread men...

then got creative with gingerbread woman...

then they asked for my input.

I was happy to oblige.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Letting The Moose Out Of The Bag...

... so you speak. I'm over a DC Urban Dad's being interrogated today. Stop by and join the water boarding fun!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Random, Like My Posting These Days


PS. I don't know where I got this image, but it was off somebody's page I visited last week. If it's yours, consider it a form of flattery, I don't steal from just anyone.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Man Smell

I have these new socks I bought to go along with my new work pants. I'm not sure what they're made of but I'm assuming it's some type of polyester blah-de-blah blend. Nothing natural, at any rate. Unfortunately, while they do match the colour of my pants perfectly, there's some kind of demonic interaction between my feet and these particular socks that result in a smell somewhat reminiscent of a decomposing goat carcass. A dead goat in a swamp. A dead goat in a warm swamp.

I didn't really notice at first, just assumed that my wife's over-sensitive olfactory senses were making something out of nothing. The other night though... I got home after a closing shift and after getting comfortable in front of the tv I started to notice something distinctly Pepe Le Peu-ish. I peeled off the offending cloth and tossed it across the room (where it promptly burnt through the floor like alien blood). It didn't help. I got under the covers figuring I could just ignore the smell since I really didn't feel like getting out of bed and washing them (or touching them for that matter). That didn't work either. Not that I could still smell them anymore, but I could feel them, sense their evil. It was like having the Eye of Sauron beneath my sheets but instead of a giant burning eye it was a giant eye burning foot.

There was no real point to this other than sharing my smelly feet with you. You're welcome.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

RTT: Christmas, Cialis and the Olympic Torch

Liam: Daddy, can we play Star Wars Christmas?
Me: *narrowed eyes* Um... sure.

Ever wonder how they get the Olympic flame from Greece to the host country?

Carefully. This is the flame, divided into six separate miner's lanterns, leaving Athens on October 30th for Canada.


Random Tuesday. Really, you shouldn't need an introduction anymore.

Last week this guy in Toronto brought a Lego gun to work he'd bought on-line. This is a picture of him taken from a concerned neighbour across the street from his office.

Police piece together fake Lego gun case, after armed takedown

Once the heavily armed Emergency Response Team figured out it wasn't real they had a good laugh about it.

The temperature has dropped to zero here and it's playing hell on my skin. I feel like I'm molting. I put moisturizer on my forehead and by the time I finish my nose my head feels like a dry lake bed again. My hands look like I've been mummified and dug up after a millenium or two.

This is the Olympic flame at the Canadian Forces Station in Alert, North West Territories. Alert is only 817 km or 508 miles from the North Pole and is the "northernmost permanently inhabited place in the world."* If Santa needs to borrow a cup of sugar, this is where he goes.

The photo was taken at night, but since it's dark 24/7 there from October until March it may as well have been taken at noon.

Can somebody tell me how I close comments on old posts? The endless links to Asian porn were all funny to begin with but now it's just getting old. Plus, now I've started getting ads for Cialis in French and I can't figure out if it's a good deal or not.

The Olympic flame travelled 26,000 km (16,155 miles) by land and 18,000 km (11,184 miles) by air on it's trip around the country. Fittingly, it was only delayed once in Churchill, Manitoba.

Don't pick up hitchhikers.

The drive-thru lane at Mcdonalds should come equipped with gas jets. If you take more than three minutes making your order your car should be set on fire. I don't care if the kids are screaming. I don't care if you just received an important phone call. I don't care what your excuse is. It's McDonald's and it's the drive-thru. Know what you want before you get there. Fuck making correct change, fuck what toy the kids want for their Happy Meal and fuck arguing your bill at the take out window. If my fries are cold by the time I get home I will hunt you down and eat your heart.

Merry Christmas.

Go see the Un-Mom's for more merriment.


Olympic torch photos courtesy of The Big Picture.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Got A Castle In Brooklyn That's Where I Dwell*

Like the great Oracle of Gaelic Gumbo said yesterday, "Real life is... getting in my grill." Between the kids, school, sickness, life and all the closing shifts I do at the new job I'm miles behind on my blog reader and answering comments. My blog has been suffering too... heh heh, I was going to say something about slipping quality but I couldn't do it with a straight face. Ya, so this is the usual "sorry I haven't been by your blog lately blah blah blah" excuse that we all throw out occasionally. Does it feel sincere? Well it was meant to be! You suck too!

But seriously, I feel bad. You take the time to stop by and I'm all "boo hoo, I'm tired." Not only that, but I've been a member of Hot Dads for a month or so now and I haven't written anything for it except for a couple of Q & A's. I'm falling behind on the Zombie News Network I do with Middle Aged Woman (though I am working on a new piece) and I told Matt from DC Urban Dad I'd do a meme he tagged me with and I still haven't. Instead of doing his meme I think I'll steal his Christmas list post from Monday, 'cause it was pretty good. I'm not even getting any story writing done and that's really annoying.

Ok, this isn't all bitching and whining. It's also about books! One cool perk about my new job, besides the employee discount, is being able to take books home to read just like from the library. The first book I took out is Wolf Hall by Hilary Mantel. It won the Man Booker prize back in October, but more importantly it's received the Bleary Eyed Dumbass Award from yours truly and I haven't even finished it yet. The story revolves around Thomas Cromwell who was a chief minister to Henry VIII. Mantel doesn't portray Cromell as the bad guy he has been historically made out to be and uses an interesting style in her writing of it. Anyway, if you're looking for a new read I highly recommend it.

Next up is Stephen King's On Writing. This was actually a library book, but I just finished it as well and thought I'd include it. Whether you like King or not or haven't even read any of his books, this is a good one. It follows his own writing career and gives a lot of excellent advice to would be writers. If you're a long time Stephen King reader it is really interesting to see what was happening in his real life while he was writing some of his books. If you've ever read The Tommyknockers it will probably answer some questions for you.

So that's my spiel for today. Get off the computer, go read a book.

*This title has nothing to do with this post, I just heard Brass Monkey today and thought that line would make a good post title.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

RTT: Novembre et D├ęcembre


I think that, aside from one post... ok, two if you count the dog from yesterday... all I've done for November is Random Tuesday's. November was crazy. New job. Almost another new job that would have been the gravy train and... other stuff. All and all, I'm pretty happy it's December today. Well, aside from the fact that I'm now in retail. And making minimum wage. WOOHOO!

Tweetcloud for the last month.

I hate my sister. Ok, not hate hate, more like she has a cool camera and photoshop and knows how to use both of them. You know, that kind of hate.

Connor: Yesterday me and Justin saw a zombified worm! It was dead and in a puddle but it was still moving.

So I'm working for a large book retailer now. If you're American, think Barnes & Noble. If you're Canadian, think of the colour blue and something a book is made up of. If you're neither just think of a really big book store. Sounds cool and all but I'm stuck at cash and only get to see the books for a split second while I'm ringing them in. Meh. It's a job. Actually, it's pretty good. My boss is great and my co-workers are really nice. Now if only my pay were say... double with benefits.

You may or may not have seen this, but I think it's fantastic. Jimmy Fallon doing Neil Young doing the Fresh Prince.

And because sometimes I'm a pretty cool dad, to celebrate the first day of December my boys are going to wake up to a few dozen Christmas ornaments I just finished hanging from their ceilings. Now go visit Keely's, because word on the street says she's a pretty cool mom.