Thursday, September 27, 2007

Non-Prescription Heroin

This morning I was suffering a double whammy of head pain from the three fillings I had done yesterday and a headache I've been getting everyday at work this week. Since I could hear my skull fracturing from my swelling brain, I decided I might need a little more than my usual Advil Gel-Caps and staggered over to Shopper's to look for something a little stronger. After blindly groping my way to the pain relief aisle and falling to my knees before the staggering array of pill boxes, I was about to give in to my imminent death when the sound of a heavenly choir filled the air. The clouds parted and a lone beam of sunlight fell upon a box of Super Strength Motrin.

Madre de Dios! When they say, fast relief, they mean FAST! I've never taken anything that's worked so quickly. It was like sticking a syringe straight into my forehead. My profound thanks to the fine people at McNeil Consumer Healthcare, makers of Motrin. I've found my new pusher.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007





Daddy enters the room, bleary-eyed, wobbling back and forth, but wide awake thanks to a shot of adrenalin. He quickly assesses the situation. No fire, no flood, no plague of locusts, no dragons, no extra holes in child's body, no coughing, wheezing, running nose, wet diaper. The Hell Mouth has not opened in the middle of the bedroom.

"Shhhhhh, what's wrong, honey?"

"I can't find my taxi."

"Did you take it to bed with you?"


Sunday, September 16, 2007

Blood, tears, and Ikea

It was an exciting day for Liam yesterday, full of highs and lows, good and bad, the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat. This picture was taken when we finally found him after he'd been told he needed a hair cut. For some strange reason he was not excited about this.

The original idea had been just to trim a little above his ears. Didn't think it would be a big issue since the last time Bern had done it he didn't fight it. No crying. Might have had something to do with seeing Connor's hair being cut first the last time without him crying. This time Connor escaped the cut. Anyway, Daddy got handed the scissors after Liam buried his face in Mommy's neck. I hate scissors. Cutting the hair of small feral animals scares the hell out of me. Too much thrashing. Too many eyes, ears, noses, too much innocent skin. And true to my fears, I cut him just above his right ear. I cut him. I MADE BLOOD COME OUT OF MY CHILD! Sure it hurt him, but it's 8:30 in the morning and I already need alcohol and therapy.

Now since I'd already made him look like a circus freak before cutting him (I MADE BLOOD COME OUT OF MY CHILD!) and scissors were no longer an option, it was out with the razor. Wheee! The scary noisy razor. By this point Liam is begging to get in the shower, which he hates since it means a hair wash, just to put an end to the torture. Sorry, buddy, that's the next part of our floor show. The shaving took about 3 to 4 hours, give or take. Turns out his head really wasn't the size of a beach ball, he just had a LOT of hair.

Then it was off to Ikea.

Spinning in Ikea from Zoo Keeper on Vimeo.
Ikea is a magical place. Ikea is Swedish for yogurt cones! It's also a place where your 2 and 4 year olds can loose their freakin minds. It's like a giant version of every house, including your own, where you've been told not to run around in. Around every corner is a new living room or kitchen. Hundreds of beds to jump on.

Sofas and arm chairs. Kitchens full of drawers and cupboard doors to bang. Heaven. I say to hell with the little ball cage thingy you can leave the kids playing in while you shop, let the adults sit in there and add a bar. Give the kids free run of the entire store. After an hour or so you go find them curled up on a sectional or the bin full of sheep skin rugs and off you go, everybody's happy.

Giant bunk bed? Absolutely not.

Breakfast with Liam

"Liam, hon, what would you like for breakfast?"

"I want to eat grass like an elephant."


Sunday, September 9, 2007

Connor and Liam go to America

After a long and hellish week we woke up bright and early Saturday morning and headed off to Seattle but this time we brought the boys. We'd been pumping them up all week (not to mention using it as blackmail) about the big surprise they'd be getting on Saturday. The zoo! And no offense to the Greater Vancouver Zoo, or whatever it's called, but a real zoo.

Morning started out well. Kids got up ok, no problems with breakfast, no delays, nice weather, traffic was good and the radio said the border line-ups were only 40 minutes long. Now I know what you're thinking, now everything goes to hell, right? No. I thought it was going to though. Got to the border and the guy in front of us gets flagged. Then the guy in the lane beside us gets flagged too. Then the motorcycle beside him. It wasn't looking good. We get waved ahead, guard takes our id's, asks the usual questions. Then the guard asks Bern if she was born in Thailand. Bern says yes, then quickly corrects herself and says Laos. Then he says something in Thai. I sit there grinning stupidly, silently begging Bern to answer the man. Forget all the other official questions, this is the real test. Finally Bern gets what he's saying, which is apparently papaya salad (her family says it differently being that they're from different region). Now we're all best buddies because with Bern's people, EVERYTHING is about food. Whatever, off we went.

The zoo was great and super easy to get to. Once you get in there are paths that go off to the left or right. Straight ahead is a mock up of a Masai village. You go into the little school and the far wall opens up to this huge field where antelope, giraffe's, and zebra's are wandering around. What does Liam want to look at? A duck swimming in a pond below the school. Buddy! That's a freaking giraffe over there eating that tree! Zebra's! Come on. A duck?

Connor was not impressed by anything. All he cared about was getting to the lions. After which he just wanted to go home. Until they found the penguins. That was different. Penguins! PENGUINS!!!

Anyway, that was the day. All in all the boys were pretty good. Would have been nice if they'd fallen asleep on the ride home, but there were no real tantrums. Now came the part of the day I'd been dreading, trying to get back into FORTRESS CANADA. If you read the blog on our last trip you'll understand why. This time the only thing we'd bought was $13.97 worth of stuffed animals, and I'd much rather face the wrath of Customs than two cranky over-tired little boys. Things were looking good when we got there. There was barely a line up at all and the guards weren't stopping anybody. And the reason they weren't stopping anybody? It was 10 to 8, shift change. We're not that lucky though. Eight o'clock and the new guard showed up before we made it through. I was sure we'd get flagged because of our last trip, but the guy only took our id and asked us the usual questions. Felt like we were getting away with something when he waved us through. Hee hee!