Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Jesus, Darth Vader and Pi

North By Northwest: The Empire Strikes Back.

Is there any movie that can not be made better with the addition of a TIE fighter and light sabers? I think not.

Watching my wife struggle through all the joys of pregnancy makes me so very very happy I was born with a penis. Miracle of childbirth? Ya, you can keep it.

Pi plate.

Get it?

Kashi would be more appealing if it didn't taste like a handful of wood chips and dirt.

Giant Darth Vader balloon head. Just because. I'd tie this to my roof if I could afford it.

Did Jesus ask to get super-sized? Researchers at the Cornell Food and Brand Lab studied fifty-two depictions of The Last Supper painted between 1000 AD and 2000 AD and discovered that:
"portion sizes of main courses (usually eel, lamb and pork) depicted in the paintings grew by 69 percent over time, while plate size grew by 66 percent and bread size grew by 23 percent."

And sticking with religious art, have you ever seen the Sistine Chapel? Click on this. No, seriously. Do it. Ok, if you don't do it now, come back later and do it. And be patient if if takes a moment or two to load, just think how long it took to paint.

Ok, that's all I got. For more Random Tuesday foolishness, click on the purple button.


Thursday, March 25, 2010

Tastes Like Chicken

The other night we were having chicken wings for dinner. Connor and Liam were pretending they were eating dinosaurs instead of chicken when Liam decides to throw some variety into the game.
Connor: I'm eating a pteranodon.
Liam: I'm eating an airplane.
Connor: You can't eat an airplane.
Liam: No, the guy who flies it.
He's a bucket load of cute, but I'm having trouble sleeping now.

PS. Yes, he's eating ice cream in this picture but I didn't have any of him eating a make believe human part.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Pimp Daddy

Have you seen how much strollers cost these days? What the hell is with that? Do my kid's first wheels really need to cost more than my first car? The answer is obviously no, but what if I wasn't fatally unemployed and had money to blow? With only sixteen weeks left before the arrival of boy number three, what would I get for him, if I could?

How about the Roddler from Kid Kustoms? Hells ya! The $3500 starting price would totally be worth showing up all the bitchy Starbucks stroller moms.

What about a crazy assed steampunk version? I don't know what the hell this is, but I like it. Not sure what it's worth, but it was built by Bent Fabrications. Just don't lean on it in the summer.

From Worrell, the Wiegen stroller. It screams "you can't afford me," which is probably why I like it.

Finally, the Helvetia. I couldn't find any information on this one at all aside from it being built in Switzerland in 1959, but I love the old school, low rider look to it. Classy. Just like me. Bwah ha ha ha ha!

But what about dad? Since we're throwing the imaginary gravy around and the '05 Caravan just isn't cutting it anymore, how about a pimped Dodge Challenger with gull wing doors? I could fit three car seats in the back of this, and my kids would never be late for school or doctors appointments.

And even if I was late I think the Mad Max stealth bomber look would buy me some back-the-hell-off better than the minivan does. And speaking of stealth bomber, this car was actually built by Galpin Auto Sports for the US Air Force and is coated with radar absorbing paint. Other reasons daddy needs this car:

  • Silent exhaust system. No, like silent silent.
  • Biometric door lock that only opens to the driver's thumbprint.
  • Roof mounted camera that tracks any movement within a quarter mile.
  • Thermal image projection on the front windshield.
Daddy needs the Bat Mobile.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Giving Credit Where Credit Is Due

Today is Day 7 of the 2010 Paralympic Games. You probably didn't know that because the world media largely disappeared from Vancouver once the Olympics were over. Even the protestors are gone since they know they won't get any publicity. The athletes are still here though. Still competing even though none of them will come away with giant sponsorship deals or celebrity endorsements. Still competing even though they know that almost no one will be watching them compete because there is little to no television coverage for their events. Still here being amazing.

This is Haitau Du of China competing in the 20 km cross-country event. Just for kicks, try running without using your arms as a counter balance and see how that feels. Then put on some cross-country skis.

The guy with the funny pictures on his goggles is Bart Bunting of Australia who is blind. The man in front of him is his guide and tells him when he needs to turn left or right or when he needs to sprint or when to prepare to go up or down hill.

This is American Alana Nicols who won the gold medal in giant slalom. Those skiers can do over 120 km/h (75 mph) and they're basically sitting in a chair. Next time you're in your car on the highway, try to imagine yourself at that speed, going downhill strapped to a chair with a ski on it. That takes a mighty pair, friends, and I'm not talking legs.

Sledge hockey. You think regular hockey is a rough game?

Finally, men's giant slalom winners Gerd Schonfelder of Germany (silver), Adam Hall of New Zealand (Gold) and Cameron Rahles-Rahbula of Australia (Bronze).

I hope that the International Olympic Committee will one day decide to meld the Olympics and Paralympics into one, because these people are awesome and they deserve the recognition.

*All photos are from Boston.com's The Big Picture which is an amazing site. If you're interested there are many more pictures of the games there.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Bea Arthur and Wontons

That's what Bea said.


Where do I go from Bea, right? Hmm... wontons?

I was at my MIL's yesterday and she sent me home with fresh wontons. Mmmm, fresh wontons... Why was I at my MIL's? Because I was dealing with car problems.
Car guy: Hi, Mr. Dumbass? Ya, our technician looked at the car and says your brake (insert car jargon that I don't understand) needs to be ground down. It's causing the vibrations you've been experiencing.
Me: But it happens when the car is in neutral.
Car guy: Um ...let me call you back.

Speaking of wontons, while researching for a recent job interview I discovered that visible minorities make up 65.1% of my city. Huh? Doesn't that make me the visible minority? Meh, with an Asian wife and half-Asian kids, I'm already the visible minority in my own home.

Speaking of family, does anyone else have a kid that needs to get completely undressed to do their business on the toilet? Liam will not start until he's buck naked. Freak.

Speaking of freaks, here's a comment from my dear sister on my last post:
OMG shut your whining, I have already had 5 knee surgeries, I currently have a fractured elbow and I am NOWHERE near your age...you whining bitch, I should come over there and slap you around a bit. Wow my anger management is really paying off. Love you!

Finally, new from Restoration Hardware, an antique steamer trunk.

Or is it?

I so love this. If it wouldn't look totally out of place in my house and didn't cost $3000 I'd buy one. But it would and it does so I guess I'm stuck with my plain white Ikea table.

Ok, off to the Un Mom's for more Random Tuesday fun.

*Steamer trunk via BB Blog.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Toyota and My Knees

Last week, while laying on the couch, broken and exhausted after being brutally beaten playing with my small children, I turned on the TV to watch some news. The lead story showed the head of Toyota groveling before Congress about all the recent safety problems with their cars and apologizing profusely, blah blah blah. As I lay there in a pool of sweat and pain, wondering whether I could defibrillate myself, a question occurred to me. Where is the recall on my body?

Where is my media outcry? Where is my legal team? I'm the victim of some seriously shoddy workmanship here and I want some answers. I want the president and CEO of whoever put this thing together sitting before my congressional committee and sweating. Profusely.

Suspension and Power Train. I have the knees of an octogenarian. An octogenarian marathon runner/mogul skier. What's up with that? Ok, sure I was hard on them and all those horrendous bike crashes in my youth didn't help, but come on, you have to design for that kind of wear and tear. That's like building a 4x4 that can't drive off road.

Chassis. My lower back feels like I've spent my life hauling rocks out of a mine by hand. Again, yes, some of that is my own fault, but it's not like I really have been working in a mine. I need this back for a long time to come and it's not like I can replace it.

Carburetor/Air Filters. My immune system? Thanks to El NiƱo and global warming we had unusually warm weather this year and everything has been blooming for weeks now, which means my seasonal allergies started in February. February. So I now have about eight months of runny nose to look forward too, and somebody needs to answer for that.

I'm thirty-nine years old and I have a new baby on the way in four months. Another boy. I've already had a black eye, chipped teeth and innumerable shots to the groin from my four and six year old and now I've got another one to defend myself against? I don't have time to joke around anymore about being a fat couch potato, if I don't get in shape now those kids are going to bury me. How am I supposed to do that with this body? I need upgrades. I need replacements. I need answers.

My pack eat their own, and I can't run that fast.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Theft, Cravings and the Love Train

Me: How was school today?
Liam (my four year old): I didn't start any trouble!


I was short on ideas for todays post so I thought it would be easier to just steal from other people. I stole this from my sister.

I think the world would be a better place if the afro came back.

I started this during Supreme Leader's first trimester and then forgot about it. Just as well since it would be a small book by now.
I'm craving:
1. Congee 2. Mushroom burger 3. Noodles 4. Chocolate milkshake 5. Pho 6. Mom's curry 7. Coke 8. Coffee 9. Pancakes 10. Sausages 11. Chowder 12. Sushi 13. Hot Dogs 14. Steak 15. Onion Rings 16. Noodles 17. Fried Chicken 18. Monty Mushroom Burger 19. Cinnamon buns 20. Potato skins 21. Tempura 22. Chicken pie 23. Chicken fingers and fries 24. Pancakes 25. Potatoes 26. Sausages 27. Scones 28. Fish & chips 29. Breakfast 30. Sushi 31. Pasta 32. Chicken 33. Rugelah 34. French butter cookies 35. Big Mac 36. Moule frites 37. Tacos 39. Saganaki 40. Steak 41. Crepes 42. Coke 43. Clam chowder 44. Steak 45. Sea salted fries 46. Pumpkin pie 47. Brownies

Meh, borrowing from others is so much easier. I got this from Robin at Cinnamon and Honey. I can't count the number of time my kids watched this yesterday.

Maybe I should have just skipped it today.

If you're a new visitor to Us & Them you may be shaking your head at this point. Random Tuesday is the creation of Keely over at The Un Mom. It's a weekly post where you can just dump all the random thoughts that have been floating through your head for the week or whatever else you like. No rules. Click on the link or the purple button up top for more.

*If you're from somewhere, um... else and can't see those videos, try searching "soul train dance line" and "love train" for the first one and "Ok Go" and "this too shall pass" for the second.

Oh, and PS to many of the new followers I've picked up. I think I've managed to get back to everyone of you know, but there were quite a few of you with the fancy schmancy blog designs that I couldn't comment on because the box for the word verification disappears behind some of the design so you can't actually input the word. No comments lately and you can't figure out why? Try leaving a comment on your own page. Also, whaddup with not having a link back to your own page? There are lots of faces up there that I click on and get a nice list of everybody else they follow but no link back to them. What's with that? I want to love you back. I really really do.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Mistaken Crustaceans And Fame

Connor: Dad, there's a piece of shrimp on my plate.
Me: (Looking down at my plate of braised steak, mashed potatoes and broccoli) But I didn't make any shrimp.
Connor: Look!
Me: Dude, that's your tooth.

Oh, and thanks to Becky at Steam me up, Kid I finally figured out why my follower numbers have been going crazy. Talking slowly and using lots of crayon drawings, Becky explained to me that I made it onto Blogger's Blogs of Note list. So a big thanks to Becky for her patience and to Blogger who looked at this out of shape, unemployed hack of a blogger who may or may not have shaved this morning and said, ya, this guy's a player.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

{Insert your own title here}

Watching CNN's coverage of the earthquake in Chile this weekend I was amazed that Rick Sanchez wasn't physically dragged off the set. How is it that I am unemployed and this man isn't?

I also felt sad for CNN. They really really wanted that tsunami to wipe out Hawaii. Better luck next disaster.


If this doesn't make you smile you're probably evil.

In fact, if that didn't get you a little, right there, consider yourself stink-eyed.

I want to give Middle Aged Woman a giant thank you for guest posting for me last week. Not only did it allow me to spend even more time on the couch watching the Olympics but I've inexplicably gained over fifty followers. I'm a little confused at how some of them found me though. I wonder how "Captain Dumbass" translates into Italian, Spanish and Portuguese?

And finally, from the man who brought you Pride & Prejudice & Zombies:

This is where I'd usually direct you off to the Un Mom's for more Random Tuesday hijinks, but this week I'm directing you off to the lovely and talented Amy, of the Bitchin' Wives Club who is hosting RTT this week. At least, I'm pretty sure that's what Amy's email said. If not... ha! Wasn't that random?