Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Random Tuesday: My Sphincter Says What?

My sphincter was closed up tight enough to crush rocks yesterday so it didn't say a damn thing. But we'll get back to that later. First off, I haven't posted for five days! I've never gone that long without posting. I went up north to visit the family this weekend and figured I'd just post while I was there. Turned out I was expected to socialize. Guess I should have found some guest posters. Um... there is no second thing.


Random Tuesday time. Head on over to Keely's, grab a button and join in on the fun. It's like a laxative for your head. And speaking of laxatives, lets get back to my sphincter.

Oh come on! That was a great segue, admit it! Anyway, in my little corner of Canada, it is very much spring and despite some feeble attempts by Mother Nature, it has been for awhile now. However, where my family lives, and more importantly, in the Cascade Mountains that lie between where me and my family live, it's still very much winter. Do you know what a snowshed is? Looks like this:

No, it's not a tunnel. A tunnel goes through a mountain. This is what you build in spots that would continually be buried under avalanches all winter long and you don't feel like all that digging so you build a little ramp for the snow to ride over. Now, imagine that it looks more like this:

Except cover the two centre lanes in snow. Leave the outside lane partially covered so you'll fool yourself into thinking it's safer. Make sure it's really wet and slushy. Then make sure the hill you are traveling down is ridiculously steep so that even if you're trying to go slow gravity just makes you go fast anyway. Then cover your window with road salt that the other cars are kicking up faster than your wiper blades can clear away. Then enter that cave at about 100 km (62 mph) and run straight into mashed potato-like snow that's somehow worked it's way into the shed. Ah, there's nothing like that moment of clarity when you realize you have absolutely no control over your vehicle. Really needed a drink after that one.

We went to Walmart while we visited the family. We have a Walmart in our city, but it's so way the hell and gone from where we live it's actually easier to drive 500 km (310 miles) and go to theirs. Are people always so bitter there? Not that I minded. I wasn't shopping for anything so their suffering was most enjoyable. Anyway, we're in the checkout and an alarm goes off. Does Walmart store national security secrets or nuclear material? 'Cause I don't get that freakin alarm. I was expecting lasers and gas to follow. "I'm sorry! I thought I'd paid for the depleted Uranium!"

We never end up taking many pictures when we're visiting my family. It's not like they're grotesque or anything. Except for my sister. She did some experimental surgery a few years back, crazy what some people will do for a quick buck. Still, the doctors did an amazing job putting her back together. You can hardly tell where the tentacles were. The partial exo-skeleton is a little hard to cover up and the iron mask takes a little getting used to but the doctors insist it's best for everyone. The boys are totally comfortable with her now.

On Saturday, Liam crawls into my sister's lap, tells her he loves her, thanks her for the Christmas presents she gave him and farts on her leg. He's only three! Just think how much better he'll get.

This really wasn't so random, was it? Kind of a random events from my weekend post. Sorry. It was much better in my head on the drive home, only I couldn't write it down then on account of me driving. Meh, it's done.


  1. Sphincter is a great word and one which I would like to use more often.

    "Darling take a note of the word 'sphincter' I'd like to use it more often." (If you don't get that then go have a cold shower and then watch Blackadder 4...)

    Thinking of you driving in the snow at 62mph like a sphincter on an ice-rink makes me want a stiff drink.

    Loved the exo-skeleton line, genius, I ought to mock my sister more often.

  2. I could really get into this random Tuesday. It's a bit like reading someone on either speed, alcohol or another vice of choice. But I do mean that in the nicest of possible ways. I talk like that all the time.

    Snowsheds are scary crazy things. My sister has to cross through the mountains to get to my parents and up and over the pass and it can be really scary sometimes.

    Glad you made it safely. No shame in drinking after you let go of the wheel. None at all.

  3. Welcome back. I am so proud of Liam and his lack of sphincter control (or is it perfectly controlled and well timed?)

  4. I had never seen a snow shed before and at first I thought you were making it up so thanks for the photographic evidence. You're pretty much an expert scientist and I appreciate the well-thought out manner of your argument.

    Also, fart jokes.

  5. I am soo scared of driving in the snow! I dont think I would make it an hour in Canada! : ) Glad you're back!!

  6. He farted on her leg? That is so classic!

    Snowsheds are weird. I bet they only have them in Weirdo Canada.

    Welcome back!!

  7. First, I LOVE LIAM! It is a shame he is only 3. I think I would like him to marry my daughter. She is 8 but has the same humor. They would get along fabulously.

    I grew up in upstate NY; Catskill Mountains. No snowsheds, but we had deer fences and boulder fences all along the Thruway. I never thought about it until I brought my hsband up to visit. Freaked the sh*t out of him that they have big fence nets along the road to keep boulders from tumbling on to your head!

    And, sadly, everyone has a sloth-like family member (I am thinking of Goonies, the movie). Ours is my brother-in-law. My children are not allowed to see him without adult supervision to prevent nightmares.

  8. Random weekendness. It jives. And yes, Walmart people really are that bitter. I think they have training for that.

  9. You know, As old and wise as I am, I never really understood what the word sphincter meant...so thanks for clearing that up for me this morning!

    In some countries, they consider it a compliment to be farted on by a 3 year old...

  10. My family always enjoyed visiting the out of town Wal-Mart when visiting relatives. I never saw much difference between them. I guess I'm not much of an enthusiast in retail stores.

  11. On I-90 between North Bend and Cle Elum there is a snowshed that only covers the westbound lanes. Makes for some interesting driving east.

  12. I really wasn't expecting to read about someone's sphincter this early in the morning. Thanks for that. I think.

    Love the bit about your sister. But will she? Must be the sibling day. I slammed my brother too on my blog today.

    Us mean siblings!

  13. My sphincter would be clenched after that drive, too.

    I'm pretty sure Wal-Mart employees all gather in a circle at the beginning of a shift and chant about how bitter they're planning to be. They run contests.

  14. Whatever. Some of us unemployed people actually write something everyday. Sometimes it's even entertaining.




  15. I detest going to Walmart. It seems as if every screaming kid in the state is there and every ghetto mother is in their own world ignoring those screaming kids. GRRR!

  16. I thought the mounties might have captured you since you didn't post for so long. Glad to hear you're alive (sorry about your sphincter).

    Liam is a farting genius.

  17. Mountain snow driving sucks. A lot.

  18. I did a post once on two of my students asking me what the word sphincter mean.

    A sphincter says what?

    Like the photos.

    Now I'm going t check out your sister.

  19. I love every single thing about this RTT. Everything.

  20. Sphincter is one of those words that you can randomly through in as an insult and instantly win.

    Canada looks a lot like Scotland (where I'm from).

  21. Dude, how has your SISTER not seen this yet and responded?

  22. Seriously .......Seriously, tentacles, partial exo-skeleton....YOU suck, just because you only had a gender surgery and didn't leave many scars that could be seen by others.....huh, you wanna play that way ex sister!!!!!!

  23. All right, Melanie, adopted sister. You go! I knew there was always something suspiciously feminine about him.

  24. We are surrounded on all sides by Walmarts. And yes, everyone is miserable at every Walmart all the time. It's some kind of requirement. Not sure what kind ...

  25. okay yeah - that snow looks really scary - don't hink I'll be trying that anytime soon - no thank you!

  26. i had a hard time powering through after the sphincter crushing rocks bit.

    but the leg farting was worth it :)

  27. HAHAHAHA!!!!

    I bet it's a bitch traveling through airport security with your sister... and sounds like a toot may very well have been your sons way of showing his appreciation towards her kind gesture... She may not have noticed, depending on exactly WHERE? the exoskeleton is.. (you failed to mention).

    Well, I enjoyed reading your randomness thoroughly, and don't know who's fascination with the rear is worse, yours for mentioning it several times, or mine for only commenting on the facts that mentioned them..

    Except Sphincter.. Well, there, I did it..

  28. You and your boys... sphincters and farting. What a combo. And the writing about your sister? Such a typical brotherly thing to do... so mean!

  29. It has drama, it had farts, it even had a dig at Walmart. It was the perfect post. Nice job.

  30. Thanks for enlightening the world about the Coquihalla. Next show them the run-away lanes or the Hope Slide.

  31. Gosh... after that highway nightmare, I can't believe your sphincter didn't lose all ability to function. Would have been totally and completely understandable, too.

  32. snow? I'm getting out of here.

  33. wow, your son is a master in training, huh?

    I missed you. Don't leave us for five whole days again mister.

  34. Yes, I-70 heading west out of Denver. But I think it's a tunnel going through a mountain, now that you mention it. But it was ALWAYS snowing on the other side, heading up to Summit Co. and Breckenridge.

    Hope your sphincter loosens up a bit this week; I'm sure we'll hear. (:

  35. Wal mart always makes me pissy. I am pissed I have to shop there due to the economy. I am pissed........ well, that about sums it up.

  36. Awe! Farting is a boys way of saying he cares. I'm sure she was very touched.

  37. Your sister -- and probably because of her exoskeleton condition -- undoubtedly pulled little Liam's finger, which caused him to release a fart onto her leg. It was just bad timing and, frankly, inappropriate mothering. But maybe she needed that to feel some sense of normalcy since all the plastics.

  38. I love snow, but hate driving in it. Mostly because I've seen people who know how to drive in it (Upstate ny and canada)vs the people down here in SC who don't.

  39. OMFG-and I thought driving in MN could be dicey. You have balls of steel, man! I think your son's interaction with your sis shows social genius, considering his age and the gas mask and all...great post!

  40. I just came back from where the
    grass is green, fields flooding.
    Now, back in the snow belt.

    You were very brave for travelling
    to see your disfunctional family in
    the winter wonderland.
    You seem to forget, your mother,
    travelling down to see you during
    cataclysmic winter storms--in a
    tiny little death trap, which had
    no head,driver side outside mirror
    limply hanging on the side of the
    car and as you like to remind me-
    no schocks.
    I don't remember getting any kudos for my bravery!
    as to your sister, you got more
    guts than brains on that one.
    Hmmmn-guess I'll have to remind her of some of the stories about you. But I won't mention to your fellow bloggers about having to cover your head with a blanket before I took you out in public.
    Ah, a mother'mothers love

  41. LMAO, "Think of how much better he'll get", HA, and you had me rolling before that....!

    Where did you go? I know where Lickman road is, I have seen it in person I know it, I just forget where.

    I have been stuck on a long highway in a BAD snowstorm twice in my life. You never forget the intensity.

    There is a sign in Chilliwack that is so funny to me, I have to say it out loud in an amusing voice every time I see it.


Come on, sailor. I love you long time.