Tuesday, August 25, 2009

A Long Time Ago In A Galaxy Far, Far Away....

Once upon a time there was a young (ahem) stormtrooper named Captain Dumbass who worked for an evil empire. The Captain hated his work, but it paid the bills and the benefits weren't half bad.


Type faster, damn you!


Then one day the boss of Captain Dumbass' boss, the evil Lord Palpatine came for a visit. "Vader, turns out all those mortgages we were handing out for candy and kisses are going to come back and bite us in the ass after all. I've decided to phase out your department and replace your employees with droids. This way, when the shit comes down I'll still look good for having saved the share holders a lot of money in salary and expenses."


"As you wish, my Lord. Er... sir, you appear to be a fish."
"Cut backs, Vader, get used to it. Aren't I pretty though?"
"Yes, my Lord. Um, about these droids, sir. Some of them appear to be missing parts."


"Irrelevant! They're cheap and they'll work for free."

Captain Dumbass, at first frightened by these changes, soon learned to embrace them once he discovered his many years of toiling for the Galactic Empire had provided him with a generous financial package. One that would provide him with a full year's salary, provided he did not find work within that year and incur the wrath of the tax man. Captain Dumbass decided that he had worked long and hard and deserved a well earned break.


So the Captain settled in to his new life as a Stay-At-Home-Trooper, trading in the day to day grind of Monday to Friday with the 24/7 grind of dealing with his own little Rebel Alliance (children). His years of soldiering had not prepared him for the titanic yet joyful struggle of being a stay at home parent, but eventually he got used to it. Then it was endless days of video games, playing outside and trips to the beach. His oldest son, being extremely shy and unsure about school, was able to have his dad walk him to kindergarten and pick him up everyday. Life was good.


Eventually though, the year ran its course and Captain Dumbass had to return to the Empire since his mortgage on the Death Star would not pay for itself. He suited up again (though his armour felt a little tighter than he'd remembered) and started looking for a new Star Destroyer in need of a willing stormtrooper.

Unfortunately, Captain Dumbass soon discovered that positions in the Empire weren't as easy to find as they once were.




The Captain had returned to a new and frightening world. He would not let it bring him down though. He quickly changed his armour and his attitude. He would roam the land like a lordless samurai of old, a ronin stormtrooper in search of a desperate village in need of aid. Employment was out there, he just had to hunt it down.



Too bad no one would pay him to play with Lego.

88 comments:

  1. 'ronin' is on my baby name list

    and the title of this instantly brought the music, baby

    ReplyDelete
  2. May the force be with you — Lego Man!

    ReplyDelete
  3. OMG I loved this! it made me laugh at 5:15 in the morning!
    dream on even 7-11 is not hiring! I am looking for a job, and have been for 4 months!
    Legos gotta get some legos!

    ReplyDelete
  4. It appears that The Captain may have to turn to the Dark Side! It seems to be where all the action is at!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I thought I told you to go buy new armour. Remember, tight pants won't impress any interviewer...well they might some. Anyhoo rambling here. Good Luck on your job search. (Wouldn't it be really cool if the world currency was legos?)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Maybe you should shave...or become a product tester for Lego.

    Wait, maybe I should do that!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Back to reality, Captain. You'll be back in the workforce soon enough.

    ReplyDelete
  8. If I had a trillion dollars, I'd pay you to play with Legos all day long.

    ReplyDelete
  9. If Lego skills were marketable I'd be pharoah by now. Awesome strory Cap'n!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Live long and prosper... no wait... that's the wrong movie.... may the force be with you, Cap'n. Good luck on your search!

    ReplyDelete
  11. WOW! Way too much time on your hands! But it was so great! Id pay you to play w/ Legos...oh wait...im broke too

    ReplyDelete
  12. Awesome. How long did it take you to set up all the Lego's? See that could be a kick-butt job. Lego positioner for fun blog posts.

    Give the empire heck. It's a sucky world out there job wise but you've got awesome Lego skills. That's bound to pay off.

    ReplyDelete
  13. My company may be hiring, but you'll need to move to India and apply there.

    ReplyDelete
  14. You need to work for the company Tom Hanks did in "Big".

    ReplyDelete
  15. Dude, you the man. Do they have a Legoland in Canada? I think they pay people to dress up like Lego storm troopers and walk around playing with legos with the kids. It would be perfect for you!

    Seriously though, good luck in the job hunt my friend!

    ReplyDelete
  16. What exactly is that Lego guy behind the loafing pirate Lego guy doing? Is that legal in Canada?

    ReplyDelete
  17. Oh, Captain, if I had to pay you per laugh, you'd be a wealthy, wealthy man.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Um...if I was pretending to have enormous amounts of cash, I'd hire you as my houseboy. Your kids could come too. And the Supreme Leader could be my personal Awesome coach.

    And I'd give you cookies.

    Please?

    ReplyDelete
  19. Don't trust her. She's a Sith apprentice. I know those cookies are from the Dark Side.

    ReplyDelete
  20. GAH.

    So you have found me out, Lord Jedi MAW. I should have KNOWN you'd scour the known galaxies to find me. I would have sensed your prescence in the Force...

    ...but these fucking cookies are so GOOD.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Your cookies are no match for my COOKIE DOUGH ICE CREAM!!! How dare you challenge a Jedi Master, well-versed in the art of dessert! On your knees, Sith scum!

    ReplyDelete
  22. My sons just walked in and want to read this...

    They want to come live with you.

    Good luck. I'll keep my fingers crossed that you find something soon.

    ReplyDelete
  23. BY MY LIGHTSABER, THE JEDI SCUM HAS THE ART OF THE SECRET ICE CREAM!

    Storm Troopers, fall back to the Star Cruiser--this is a weapon not even the power of the Dark Side can fathom.

    Um...can I try a bite of that ice cream?

    ReplyDelete
  24. Hehe. I wish I could pay you to play with Lego.
    I could pay you IN Lego?

    ReplyDelete
  25. Ah, a fellow traveler. We are well met.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Amazing how those evil Lords all look the same. I swear we had the same boss (and the same layoffs... sigh).

    ReplyDelete
  27. Send Lego your resume, along with this blog post. Maybe you could work from home creating Lego villages.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Blogger doesn't have a trackback option, so I'll try some HTML, and probably screw it up spectacularly:
    The Day Partly Cloudy and I Took Over Cap'n Dumbass's Blog.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Holy Hypertext, Batman! It worked!

    ReplyDelete
  30. This post was great! Well, not that part about you still looking, that sucks. The Lego storyline was most entertaining! I could pay you in Legos...or pay you to pick up the Legos that are scattered throughout my house.

    ReplyDelete
  31. He suited up again (though his armour felt a little tighter than he'd remembered)

    Too funny. Thanks for the early morning laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  32. I love LOVE LOVE this! I am a huge Lego fan so that made it even better. May the force be with you in finding work. I wish you luck.

    Maybe you could do some lego porn movies?

    ReplyDelete
  33. HAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!! wow that was a LOT of work for a blog! Lol!!

    ReplyDelete
  34. ps... good luck in your job search :)

    ReplyDelete
  35. I love this! Not the situation, but the way you play the game.
    Are we supposed to not notice the rebels in the background kicking the plastic out of each other?
    Cuz I did. and I thought it was brilliant.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Grilled cheese chef is not in high demand anymore? What a bummer.

    ReplyDelete
  37. That is a GREAT post. Love your sense of humor in all this.

    Best of luck in the job search.

    ReplyDelete
  38. I am sure there is work for you at our "institute" -- really it is a work place not just a place to "stay".

    Captain -- you had me howling -- please can we pay you to entertain us??

    ReplyDelete
  39. If I hit it big in the MegaMillions tonight, I'll be able to help you out on the Death Star thing. It looks like I owe you at least that much after my wife and daughter attempted a hostile takeover of your blog today.

    So everyone out there should be rooting for ME in the MegaMillions tonight - so that The Captain and his minions can keep living in the style and manner to which they have become accustomed.
    Or something...

    ReplyDelete
  40. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/surrey/8168892.stm

    Maybe you could do this in Canada?

    ReplyDelete
  41. Do you want my job? You need to abandon Canada (but then who wouldn't want to do that?) and then move to khartoum. But the pay is good(ish) - you'll need to BYOL (bring your own legos)

    Also, I'm not sure what I do exactly. However, good news is that obviously, it is not hard! They pay me to do it. I've been faking it for YEARS!

    ReplyDelete
  42. I would hire you in a minute. But, as we discussed, the commute would be hell!!

    ReplyDelete
  43. Dude Captain!! How I have missed your humor and comedy. If you move to Orlando FL and apply at Lego Land in Downtown Disney you could def get paid for playing with Lego - heck, you should actually get hired by Lego - the way that you create stories and stuff, they could have a whole humor movie thing for kids...see, I do have some far fetched ideas left in me!

    ReplyDelete
  44. I'm sure they might need some toy testers out there somewhere. Have you tried Fischer Price?

    ReplyDelete
  45. http://www.ehow.com/how_4424327_become-toy-tester.html

    ReplyDelete
  46. Oh my god! I'm dying. I don't even like Star Wars, or Legos, but I'm laughing my ass off. I adore you and your blog! You crack me up. If it's any consolation, I'd hire you if I owned a company or you lived in the States!

    ReplyDelete
  47. you need to spend less time in the Cantina. and also, try the force.

    ReplyDelete
  48. I think I'm in love with the many faces of old Dumbass. . .

    ReplyDelete
  49. I'm perfectly legitimately concerned for your mental health....

    ReplyDelete
  50. I LOVE this! Well, the post, not your current situation, that is. ;) I was riveted to my screen through the whole creative story. May the Force be with you as you hunt down a new Empire to work for - and hopefully one where you don't hate the work and pays the bills and has great benefits. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  51. Oh, ignore Michel, she just wants to get away from Sudan. Although, who can blame her? I, personally, have enough problems with regular household dust, I would not want red Sudanese dust from hell!!

    Anyway, good luck on ye ol' job hunt. Try and stay away from the Dark Side.

    ReplyDelete
  52. Seriously, thought, you SHOULD get paid to play with Legos!

    ReplyDelete
  53. OH, you just made my crappy assed job-interview-got-canceled day much lighter. I actually laughed. Through tears maybe because it's all so true. But laughter nonetheless.

    ReplyDelete
  54. Beyond excellent. I would show this to my six year old, but I don't want to depress him.

    ReplyDelete
  55. we must've been in the same clone batch... (what's funny, we were in the same biz practically)

    Here's were I was:
    http://www.adultswim.com/video/?episodeID=8a25059520aa06ea0120ab9517cc0013

    You're Lego stories are the bomb

    ReplyDelete
  56. This is too funny! It was hilarious - I hope the force will soon translate into employment!
    Cheers,
    Anita

    ReplyDelete
  57. Um. I'm laughing. I'm not sure whether from your story or from the fact that you carefully arranged all of the little lego people to illustrate each part of the story.

    ReplyDelete
  58. You need to polish the Jedi mind trick. "I won't hire you"..."Yes, you will hire me"...."Yes, I will hire you"

    ReplyDelete
  59. Ah..your sense of humor will get you through this!
    Me..I'm looking for a cushy job that feels a lot more like being pampered at a day spa than what I've got going on now. Or something in legos.

    ReplyDelete
  60. Yeah. I think you should continue to get paid for what you do - including the blogging.

    ReplyDelete
  61. This reminds me of the many movies out there with Lego guys— probably the best one is an Iron Chef episode… way too funny.

    ReplyDelete
  62. I have learned in the last 14 days that AT&T is actually an evil empire. Perhaps they are hiring. Darth would fit into that corporate culture quite easily.

    Good luck, friend.

    Also? Dying laughing over here.

    ReplyDelete
  63. wow....you do need a job!!!
    I love the lego storyland way of blogging. Please do this more. :)

    You should post your resume....that would help us all get you a job faster. Are we on commission? Can I get paid to find you a job? Does it have to be a good job?

    ReplyDelete
  64. You know, I really, really want to say something here...but every time I start a smirk comes over my face and I got nuttin'...I may be close to speechless (I said close) but will have to settle with 'funny, f'n funny'! You are too much...and I hope one of the Grand Job Poobahs thinks so too and takes you on. Bonne Chance!

    ReplyDelete
  65. This is awesome. Like really, really amazeballs awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  66. I've been a shitty bloggy friend and have lacked in the COMMENT and READ portion on the blogging community. Some BlogapaLOSEa planning or some other such bullshit that is keeping me busy.

    Is it sad that I had Darth's theme in my head. The. WHOLE. TIME. (??)

    Oh, and I've moved! Have you seen the new me yet?

    ReplyDelete
  67. Cpt. Dumbass will arise and go find
    a job he likes and is appreciated
    for his incredible talent and charm. Til with Darth Vader, find
    one of the good guys to work with.

    Hey, you would be a great broadcaster, tell Global and
    CTV just what they are missing.

    ReplyDelete
  68. Being a Star Wars fan I loved the story. I also need some of those legos. Good luck.

    ReplyDelete
  69. Legoland pays people to play with Legos. I always wanted to get paid to play with Legos.

    ReplyDelete
  70. Brilliant! Wil's having a hard time finding work as well. And I am not looking forward to the time when Canada finally says I am allowed to work. :(

    ReplyDelete
  71. The Force is strong with you. You will find something soon.

    ReplyDelete
  72. Hey, maybe the Lego people will pay you IN Legos for playing with them. It's worth a try.

    Next, you work on finding a bank willing to be paid in Lego bricks for mortgage debt, and you're all set.

    ReplyDelete
  73. Wait, so now you're a bounty hunter? That's cool. I thought it would pay more though.

    ReplyDelete
  74. That was awesome! You and my brother would get along very, very well!

    ReplyDelete
  75. I love this story ... legos and ALL!!! All HAIL the Kingdom!

    ReplyDelete
  76. Dude. That. Was. Brilliant.

    And I had to jump on the Star Destroyer after reading that. The dark side is calling.

    ReplyDelete
  77. You are amazingly creative! I hope you find a job soon...where we live people are losing their jobs everyday, so I understand the chaos.

    ReplyDelete
  78. Ah, Captain.... I have missed you my friend. :) This was brilliant.

    ReplyDelete
  79. Dude, that was a FABULOUS post--loved it! And your illustrations? Priceless.

    ReplyDelete
  80. I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.
    Lucy
    http://dataentryjob-s.com

    ReplyDelete

Come on, sailor. I love you long time.