Blah blah blah. Go over to the Un-Mom and ask her if she's lost two pounds cause she's lookin' HAWT! Then you can grab a button and do one of these yourself.
I've totally lost the ability to park in a straight line. Parallel? I am a god. Parking spaces? I don't know. I just don't know anymore. I blame the van. It's like driving an egg.
Sunday morning I washed the kitchen floor and washed down all the counters. Then I washed the bathroom floors. I vacuumed the whole house and looked after the boys while Supreme Leader watched Penelope all alone and undisturbed. I am a trophy husband. My trophy is a Hoover dust canister.
I'd give damn near anything for my mini-van to make the sound of a TIE fighter.
Saturday, while walking through Sears, my oldest tells me that he thinks Japanese people have funny looking eyes. Um, Sugar Plum, have you taken a good look at yourself in the mirror? Mommy's family isn't Japanese, but you'll notice a certain similarity. And please don't speak when we're in public. Ever.
Kudos to J.Crew for putting Lauren Hutton on the cover of their February catalogue and not the usual sixteen year old model. And uh, the reverse for the bathing suit section. What?
All US readers skip this one. Any readers from England or the rest of the English speaking world today? Are you stuck with fucking Americanized English spell checker too? Hey hey hey! I told you to skip this part. Don't go gettin' all uppity. You know I still love you.
Because I hate cats.
In honour of his Thai heritage, I've named my Siamese Fighting fish tom yum goong.
Last 10 songs in my iPod:
1. Sarah Bareilles - Gravity (live)
2. Van Morrison - Someone Like You
3. Journey - Don't Stop Believing (Hell Ya!)
4. Hall & Oates - She's Gone
5. Bif Naked - I Love Myself Today
6. Matthew Good - In A World Called Catastrope
7. Barry Manilow - Mandy (yes, dammit, Mandy. What of it? Angel liked it too.)
8. Panic - The Smiths
9. Colin Hay - I Just Don't Think I'll Get Over You
10. Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl
*My boundless love if you get this one. No googling.
Posts
LOL - Don't speak in public... ever.
ReplyDeleteNo boundless love for me. Had to resort to google.
I thought that said The Anatomy of a Satin. But not the fabric satin, the evil overlord Saten. How the F do you spell Saten? Is this right?
ReplyDeleteEver been to an oriental restaurant and had Cream of Sum Yung Gai?*
HA! I did one of these little ***** back atcha! Name it!
You're a freak, but I love you. Only because you like older women, a la Lauren Hutton.
ReplyDeleteBarry Manilow??
ReplyDeleteRandomness, Dumbass Style! Great start to the day, bro, worked out the laugh muscles.
ReplyDeleteBrilliant name for the fish, although now I'm wanting some Thai food.
Anatomy of a stain: either a crime story or a detergent commercial, I think.
The TIE fighter sound is a great idea. I'll bet you could come up with some sort of plastic gadget that's windpowered, that you could attach to the bumpers or suction cup to roof. Yes!
Angel did like Mandy too.. So I suppose I can give you props for the Angel reference and that should cancel out my disdain for Mandy.
ReplyDeleteAlso, your oldest is too cute. I mean, he could have done what my youngest did.. She screamed at the top of her lungs asking why a biker was wearing a skull condom. (You know those skull cap things what squish people's heads...)
Barry Manilow- he writes the songs that make the whole world sing...
ReplyDeleteWanna come over and vaccum my house? Please?!!?!?!?
I can't pull into a parking space either... never really could.
Something to do with my drycleaners??? Everytime I go in there they ask me why exactly I am the biggest slop on the planet...and if anyone really does take me out in public because my lack of eye/hand to mouth cordination. So the anatomy of the stain is what I have to explain every Monday to Sheri the drycleaner???
ReplyDeleteAm I right?
Awesome songs, you have pretty good taste in music, and as eclectic as mine, I see.
ReplyDeleteand this: "And please don't speak when we're in public. Ever."
Ditto for my stepson. Seriously.
I did that exact same thing yesterday parking my van at Sprite's daycare! I had to pull out and go in 3 times! I didn't buy the parking space dinner, but it put out anyway...
ReplyDeleteOy. That was bad, even for me.
Loved this post, right down to the Angel reference! (psst! I'm a closet Angel fan. I wake up to it every morning)
ReplyDeleteYour kid cracks me up!
Our Siamese fighting fish are named Master-P and Dolly Parton.
ReplyDeleteAlso, Henners insists that any African American man he sees is Obama. And, yes, we do have a few of them in Utah.
ReplyDeleteI want a trophy husband!
ReplyDeleteCan't stand the Americanized English spell check either. Drives me MAD!!!
We were in a restaurant last weekend. Our waitress was of African descent. As she walked away from the table, my eldest loudly asked: "Why is she brown?" Not quite as politically incorrect perhaps, but damn close. He is also no longer allowed to speak in public.
I had something to say.. but then I nearly cut my tongue on my 3yos pudding cup lid... ouch.
ReplyDeleteOh, and I'm totally with you on the 'don't ever speak in public'... I'll never forget the first time my kids saw a black person in public.. thinking he was Obama would have been a big improvement.
ReplyDeleteAlso: Not really a Barry Manilow fan, but I must confess that I really like Mandy. I enjoy your musical tastes in general!
ReplyDeleteWoo hoo!!! The iPod 10.... and did you know I am a closet Hall & Oates fan? "She's Gone" ended up on one of my i10s too....! I rock that Oates 'stache hard, huuuuh!!!!!
ReplyDeleteOkay, that sounded vaguely disgusting.
Wow. I thought you were kidding about washing your floors in my comments.
ReplyDeleteGet this, yesterday my husband thought the lead singer of Journey was Stephen Tyler. We may need to think about living separate lives after that statement.
Like the light sabres, you'll probably have to make the TIE fighter sounds on your own.
ReplyDeleteAnd kindly inform your oldest that the Japanese are superior to you feckin' Westerners. Their eyes look perfect as their emperor, the living god, intended. It is you who looks funny.
My car is like driving an egg too but I think it's because I've hit too many curbs. Damn drive thru curbs.
ReplyDeleteI liked seeing Lauren Hutton on the cover of the recent J.Crew catalog too. Nice that you noticed.
ReplyDeleteLove the Sears story too. So funny!
You wash floors and you like Lauren Hutton instead of a skinny tween?
ReplyDeleteYou may just be the best guy ever!
(pulling the pin, lobbing grenade):
ReplyDelete@CG: He doesn't really, he's just suckin' up to get votes over at The Wise (*Young*) Mommy contest!
(ducking)
Hee, hee. "Mandy". Hee, hee. I can NEVER look at you the same way ever again.
ReplyDeleteYes to the Van Morrison song. Yesterday I posted a video of Journey singing "Feeling That Way". Still awesome after all these years.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you on the kids not speaking in public....the other day I was joking around with the kids telling them that if I bought them a treat I would have to hit them in the head(kidding of course) so my lovely daughter decides at the til to say "mom didn't you say you would smack(the boy) across the face if he asked for treats??? damn you evil child damn you!
ReplyDeleteOh and Journey is SO on my ipod too!!!!! "just a small town girl......."
ReplyDelete"Sunday morning I washed the kitchen floor and washed down all the counters. Then I washed the bathroom floors. I vacuumed the whole house and looked after the boys while Supreme Leader watched Penelope all alone and undisturbed."
ReplyDeleteUm, you just made my "list".
"Mandy"
Um, you just got booted from aforementioned "list".
Ah, Easy come easy go.
How does one drive an egg? Inquiring minds want to know.
ReplyDeleteJust keep in mind that when they are older YOU can embarr'ass' the hell out of them!!!
ReplyDeletehaha she said tween.
ReplyDeleteThe Tie-Fighter bit. Pretty awesome. The music on your i-pod... You're not supposed to admit you listen to Hall & Oates dude. You're just not.
Only a guy with a tattoo of a dragon across his entire back can admit to liking the song 'Mandy' and somehow, still not be a pussy. And speaking of being a pussy, it's only one small step sideways and down from Barry Manilow to the Carpenters. When I hear "We've Only Just Begun" I totally tear up. But I'm allowed because I'm a girl.
ReplyDeleteum. yeah....MANDY??????
ReplyDeleteThat's okay, I still love ya.
Holy crap, you ARE a trophy husband. Have that hoover gold-plated, dude.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you could compromise with the TIE fighter thing and get the Transformers logo on your mini van, like Rayne.
Thanks for lightening my mood but yeah, I think I do need to get to the spa soon. You offering?
ReplyDeleteThere's nothing wrong with driving an egg, although I would probably describe my minivan as more of a shoebox. And you're right, kids should not speak in public, someone should design a mute button.
ReplyDeleteWait. . . I drive a white 1999 plymouth minivan. . . I think that's an egg too. Even has a "hatch" back!
ReplyDeleteI hate my American spell check. It's colour not color people!!
ReplyDeleteI hate minivans, and more to the point, my minivan. They should be outlawed.
ReplyDeleteYou should know that I had nothing for dinner tonight. Sniff, sniff. (By design, not by desperation.) I need to get myself to the grocery store. I can't bear to eat cold cereal another night.
ReplyDeleteI seriously want a trophy husband now, too...wonder if mine can be trained at this late stage? ;)
ReplyDeleteLove the randomness, you ROCK on your iPod! :)
Spell check this *#*!# Captain!! Just kidding.
ReplyDeleteonly a real man admits he listens to Barry Manilow (I did forever.) and Journey: ROCK ON!!!!
ReplyDeleteIt's sad to say, I have the lyrics of Mandy going through my head a lot of the time. Like when I'm not sleeping.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what the anatomy of a stain is from.
I think I'd be even happier if my car had the sounds AND the LASERS of a tie fighter!
ReplyDeleteSo what you're saying is, your spell checker calls you out every time you use an 'ou' instead of just an 'o'? Or when you try to add an 'e' at the end of a word where it has no business being there? Dammit, that sucks for you.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I want to staple my 5-year-olds lips together before we venture out in public these days. She spills every bit of dirt she can think of to anyone who crosses our path. It's lovely.
Manilow? Manilow????
don't speak in public..ever
ReplyDeleteHAHA@!!!!!
I love me some "Jeffersons!"
ReplyDeleteCan you come and clean my house? It's going to be about 80 degrees today, and we can take the boys to the zoo after. I have a zoo membership, so it won't cost you ... just airfare and hubby labor!
I love Barry Manilow. I'd say more but it's really easy for me to start gushing which then turns into Barry Manilow stalking stories and then it just gets ugly...so I'll just leave you with a kudos on your musical taste and also, congratulations on being the new "HeBlogs" guy.
ReplyDelete