Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Impromptu Guest Post

I received an email from Kelly, or Kelleexo on Twitter, after last weeks Friday Santa pic. She sent a couple of pictures along with a story but by the time I received them it was far too late to include them. Not wanting her hard work to go to waste or to miss the opportunity to take a day off, I asked if she'd like to use it as a guest post. So. I'm taking the day off.

Before I do though, I need to send thanks and love to the great state of Mississippi and specifically Mama Dawg. I found some awesome Christmas cards on-line a few months back but unfortunately, since Canada seems to be in another dimension or something, the maker of the cards wouldn't ship here. MD, because she is truly an extraordinary human being, got my cards for me and sent along a little Christmas present as well.

(It's a Han Solo tree ornament)

And on with the show...

Creepy Santa is sprung up from the dense, snow covered hills of Somewhere. In the hills of Somewhere he lived with a gnome family in a burrow who harvested natural resources for the elves to use. Creepy Santa, who was originally born in Santa's castle but was too scary to live there, resided with the gnomes until he decided that lumbering and mining was just not the life for him. He decided to go spread his Christmas cheer with the Moffitt family (my mom's family), who had just lost their father to divorce...and Florida. Creepy Santa hated Florida and knew that the crazy Moffitt's needed to be perked up around the holiday season.
He traveled on a snowy, dark path for 8 days and nights until he reached the humble Moffitt abode in Grosse Pointe Park, Michigan. Creepy Santa knocked on the door until John (my uncle) answered on a snowy Christmas Eve night. When John saw Creepy Santa his heart burst, the poor little guy was covered in dirty slush and was shivering. John brought him in, wrapped him in a towel and carried him like a baby to his mother. He then proceeded to get on his knees and beg Mary (my grandmother) to keep him... just like he did with all of the other stray animals he found. Mary, a nurturing nurse and mother of five, couldn't say no to John's and Creepy Santa's sparkling blue eyes, so the Moffitt's adopted Creepy Santa as one of their own.
Most of the year Creepy Santa lived in the upstairs crawlspace closet, playing in the insulation which he thought was pink snow. Then in December he ran downstairs and partied with the cheerful Moffitt family. His favorite night was December 21st where the Mofitt family gathered around and sang Christmas carols to the tune of their "Sing-Along with Mitch Miller" album, ate, and drank. Creepy Santa loved to drink special egg nog, eat fruit cake, and play ding-dong ditch with the Moffitt children.

Creepy Santa was glad he chose the Moffitt family. Instead of being a charitable gnome Santa, he decided to become a permanent fixture in the Moffitt family and to not offer his service to other needy families. After all of the Moffitt children have grown up and left home, after Kelly (me) and Clare (my sister) played with him until his arm stuffing began to tear, and after Mary found her way home to God, he moved in with Maureen (my aunt) in Connecticut. There he lives out of the closet yearlong, keeps Maureen (a single woman) in constant good cheer, eats a lot of peppermint and drinks too much coffee, and runs around with Maureen's underwear on his head (while she's at work). Although his arms are weak, Creepy Santa will never get tired of spreading holiday cheer even when it's not the holidays!

Merry Christmas!
Kelly (& Creepy Santa too!)

Kelly blogs at I Don't Want The World, which she hasn't touched since mid-November. Something about school, yadda yadda yadda, whatever. It's Xmas break, Kelly, time to write something. Guest posting and ridicule, served up fresh. Anybody else want to guest?

PS. Grosse Pointe Blank is one of the finest movies ever made.

PPS. (heh heh, you just said pee pee in your head) Anybody else want to guest post? The Us & Them family is off to the hinterlands for Xmas this year but we have to cross the freakin' Himalaya's
first. (shut up, Braja) Hopefully we don't spend our holiday living out of the back of a snowbound Dodge Caravan eating the frozen carcass of a caribou.


  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  2. FIRST!

    Damn it! I was robbed.

    That Santa is very creepy.

  3. wait, who is SARFRAS? Is he related to Dumbass?

    great post on creepy santa!!!

  4. Creepy Santa rocks!!! And Grosse Pointe Blank is an amazing flick!

  5. AAAIIIIEEEE! It's the Travelocity gnome's evil cousin! Chucky in a Santa costume! Kill it! Kill it! Or at least keep that freaky thing far away from me.

    And, yes, Grosse Pointe Blank is one the finest movies ever made. I even have the soundtrack. (El Matador!)

  6. you havent really LIVED until you've had a frozen caribou popsicle. but mabe thats just me...

  7. Cusack is the man. Other than a couple 'chick flick' movies (which weren't horrible), he has had a brilliant career. Gross Pointe Blank, one of the best.

  8. If we're talking Cusack, we oughta be talkin' about The Sure Thing. It's even a Christmas movie!

    And hells, yes, I'll guest if you want me.

  9. Grosse Pointe Blank is indeed a fine movie. Cusack is fabulous. Better Off Dead is also a classic, and of course a bit more Christmasy!

    That Santa is indeed most creepy.

    Also: Thank you for one of the best comments I've received on my blog! It's cool that you've seen actual reindeer. Did they fly? (I'm pretty sure there's a reindeer financial riddle to be found somewhere in your last sentence. LOL!)

  10. Merry Christmas to you and yours (even creepy Santa)!

  11. Woah, that santa IS creepy. We have a similar creepy Santa that came from my Gram but I was always a little freaked out by it...

  12. We totally had that EXACT SAME SANTA when I was a kid!

    It creeped me out then and it creeps me out now!

  13. Oh, my! I LOVE that I got a shout out and an I Love You Mama Dawg from all the Dumbass children (including the big one himself).

    You are more than welcome!

    I stole that ornament, by the way.

  14. Creepy Santa. The mystery of my Creepy Santa might be explained by this post. Will have to compare photographs to be sure...

  15. It's Han Solo, MD, he should be stolen.

    And Michele, you are first again since Spam doesn't count.

  16. So, there's more than one Creepy Santa?! Oy. This creepy world just got creepier.

    Thanks to Cap'n for letting me guest post. I had a great time penning the true, true story of Creep Santa.
    <3 Kelly

  17. That is one Creepy Santa!!

    And I love Grosse Pointe Blank.

  18. I can't stand creepy stuffed dolls from the 60's. They should have been target practice in "Grosse Point Blank"

  19. Creepy Santa might be an effective tool in keeping those little snots, I mean, adorable kiddies in their beds. Just place Creepy Santa at the top of the stairs and no little feet will be pounding those steps until Mommy or Daddy step in to take the scary Santa away!
    When can you ship it to Florida?

  20. okay yeah, that santa was way too creepy - I'll guest post if you'll have me! (never seen Grosse Pointe Blank - am I weird for that?)

  21. That Santa is going to haunt my dreams....like forever. :)

    Merry Christmas Dumbass. I can honestly say that is the first time I have said that in my life to someone I actually really, really like!!! Have a great one!

  22. I am not fond of that Santa. Grosse Pointe Blank however...awesome.

  23. Creepy Santa for sure!

    Grosse Pointe Blank = John Cusack = Brilliant!!!

    Enjoy your trip!

  24. Mama dawg rocks. And creeepy Santa seems likke something you shouldn't let sleep in the same room with you.


Come on, sailor. I love you long time.