Sunday, October 19, 2008

I Came, I Saw, I May Have Stayed Too Long

I know I'm supposed to do some type of intro for my guest posters, but that would just be slowing you down. It's Jen from Steenky Bee. Hold on to something...

A few weeks ago Captain Dumbass sent me an email asking me to guest post over here at Us and Them. I eagerly agreed, but then began to worry that I accepted his offer too hastily. He’s well known for posting about six times a day. Would I have to post that often? How could I be expected to keep up with that rigorous schedule of posting every 3 hours? He promised he would call me to go over the details. I was all kinds of excited.

When the Captain phoned a few hours later, I tried very hard to listen closely and concentrate on his instructions. His exact words were, “I’d love to host one of your stories over here at Us and Them. Please guest post for me Sunday. Send me your write up and I’ll put it up over at my place.”

But in my adrenaline crazed state, all I heard was, “I’d love to host you over here. Please be my guest. I’ll put you up at my place.” I immediately grabbed a map of Canada, a bunch of warm clothes, a mix tape and headed north.

Day 1: The Element of Surprise

I arrived at the Captain’s house a few days late, but only because I grossly misjudged exactly where Canada was. According to my map, it was only three inches away from Utah. Maps lie. Canada is, like, far.

The Captain and his family seemed a little surprised to see me on their doorstep. I think his exact words were, “What gives you the right?” Maybe he was caught off guard because I was a few days late. His wife, who insisted that I avoid direct eye contact with her and refer to her as Supreme Leader, kept asking me why I drove all the way through four states and crossed the Canadian boarder unannounced. I assumed one of two things; a) she was very interested in my gas mileage, or b) hubby didn’t tell her I would be a guest in their house while I posted stories to his blog.

For the first hour or so, there were some awkward side glances between the three of us. Eventually, I broke the silence by asking what was for dinner. For the remainder of the evening the Captain and Supreme Leader huddled in the kitchen and talked in hushed tones. For the most part, they were super-duper nice. When I would holler for them to bring me a cold beverage, they would shout back for me to get it myself already. They must have really wanted me to feel at home.

I did catch Supreme Leader rolling her eyes at me quite a bit during my stay. I figured it must be a cultural thing with Canadians. When the Captain’s extended family showed up for his mom’s 50th birthday party, most of them gave me the eye roll too. Despite all the pointing and laughing at my expense, I was totally feeling at ease in their home.

And the hospitality didn’t end there. Multiple times, the Captain and his wife offered to put me up in a hotel so I could have some privacy. Of course, I politely declined their generosity. I drove all the way up there and I wasn’t about to leave them now. Supreme Leader threw her hands in the air and shouted, “Fine. Have it your way!” and stormed into the master bedroom.

“Have it your way, too!” I waved and called back to her. This must be the way Canadians say good night. The Captain said the same thing to me about five minutes later as he headed off to bed.

Day 2: Spontaneous Blogging

Who knew the Captain and his family were early risers? At 7:00 am sharp, he was up and summoning his family to the kitchen. He declared loudly that it was time for a family meeting. He wheeled out a large white board and began writing furiously. He then announced that no one could leave until they had given him at least five blog-worthy ideas. He warned his boys that he would no longer accept any snail or poo stories. He felt those stories were so played.

Two hours later, the meeting adjourned. Supreme Leader made mention to the Captain that she thought this was, by far, the suckiest meeting ever. The Captain responded with “I’m totally blogging that!” She responded with some sort of hand gesture that I thought only people in prison knew. The Captain shouted, “I’m totally blogging that too!”

A little while later, the Captain and his family ran off to some emergency situation that had just suddenly come up. I was told that they would be gone the entire day and the place they were headed didn’t have any phone service so I should NOT try to call them. As they peeled out of their driveway, Connor, their oldest son, yelled out of the van’s window, “Why don’t you just go home!”

I could only assume that the little guy wanted me to wait at the house for them to return, so I did just that. When they walked in around 9:30 that night they announced that they were going strait to bed. I gave them a traditional Canadian greeting of “Fine. Have it your way!” It went over huge. Both boys both gave me the eye roll. Up until now, the younger one, Liam, had made every effort to pretend I didn‘t exist. Score!

Day 3: Metro Dad is My Hero

Around noon, I heard the loudest alarm buzzer sounding throughout the house. Immediately every member of the family scurried into the den and hovered around the computer. Each of them looked frenzied with excitement. The Captain pushed his way past his wife and the boys to take his seat at the computer. From my vantage point, I could clearly see that he was reading through Metro Dad’s sight. He was so focused, so serious. He shushed Supreme Leader and the boys several times when they began talking too loudly. One time when the boys were particularly rambunctious, the Captain turned around and shouted “Daddy needs quiet while he comments on Metro Dad! You know how important Metro Dad is to daddy!”

The family stood around the Captain and waited in anticipation for him to finish posting his comment. The boys even shouted ideas for him to consider. Each time, he dismissed them with a sweeping hand motion. They held their breath as the Captain swiveled around in his chair, pumped both fists in the air and exclaimed loudly, “Number seven. MY COMMENT IS NUMBER SEVEN ON METRO DAD!”

The Captain then stood up and began shadow boxing with himself. Connor and Liam were jumping up and down and screaming. Supreme Leader clasped her hands together, threw her head back and yelled, “Yes! Finally we’ve cracked the top ten!” This was truly a moment for the family.

Despite all the celebrating, my visit was cut short with the Captain and his family early the next day. Supreme Leader announced they were having their home fumigated and everyone would have to leave “and maybe never come back” she added. I think she mentioned something about an infestation of American Parasites or something. Eww. I tried to google this insect but, but so far, my search for this rare bug has proved usless.

Although I never got around to writing a post for the Captain, I feel my time was not wasted with his family. I learned some very valuable lessons on my short trip. I learned that Canadians use the term, “You should really get out of here” pretty freely as a term of endearment. They must have said it to me at least five times. I learned that Canadian women really like their space too. Several times Supreme Leader told me to “Back off Yankee fool!” I want so badly for her to teach me that cool hand gesture.

And the boys! Oh how I loved little Connor and Liam. They introduced me to the best Canadian game ever. They never explained the rules completely, but from what I gathered, the object of the game is to run from someone (mostly me) whenever they enter a room and shout “Stranger danger!” as loud as they can. I’m really going to miss them all.


  1. Classic! Great early morning read (or is it still a night read since I haven't slept YET?!?)!!

  2. Hilarious!!! But CDA has obviously brought the boys up right, already knowing the Stranger Danger game and all...

  3. Thanks for detailing your trip for us Steenky Stalker. They sound so cool. I think I'll follow your lead and head north. Canada is only about twelve inches from Florida so I should be there by noon. The Dumbasses sound like such a nice and hospitable family, I suggest all of us camp out on their couch(es) this week. Is anybody with me? As usual, you're a funny chick with a slight stalker problem. Come crash on my couch, you can guest blog all week.

  4. Jen, did you find out if Canadian bacon is different up there? Or do they just call it bacon?

  5. All I can say is thank goodness I'm clear on the other side of that map of Canada.

  6. First time here, longtime (bout a month) Steenky Stalker...

    I love impromtu, stranger danger, psycho stalker, get a clue they don't want you there travel stories! They're the bestest!!

    P.S. Dear Mr. Captain Dumbass, I love the picture of "CD" kids wearing Spiderman masks. I find it funny cause I just posted pictures of my kids disguised in realistic looking other faces.

    P.S.S. Please don't hurt me for talking directly to your minion Mrs. Captain Supreme Leader lady.

  7. Wow, I think it's great that you are all so excited to have visitors. I am loading up the van now. Going to stalk, I mean, visit Steenky Bee and Captain Dumbass.

  8. LOL--sounds like a great visit!

    Going to have a look around the blog!

  9. Utah is only four states away from Michigan! I'm on my way! I'll bring conservative clothes!

  10. I'm so glad you now know the ways of my country. It will makes things easier when I invite you to visit. Maybe in December, some time. I need someone to look after my house and babysit the dogs while I go on vacation.

  11. Is there anything I should know about Utah before I move into your garage? Aside from not touching Jeremy's guns?

    Isn't it funny that the Metrodad part is the way we all feel about YOUR posts now?

    For everybody else who's coming to visit, we're still out in the hinterlands but you can ask the neighbour for the key.

  12. It's a shame you left. Up here in Canada, "having the home fumigated" is code for "big party in three hours; Steve's bringing the moose". You'll know better for next time.

  13. Good stuff! It's great that you got to learn some great Canadian expressions & what they really mean!

  14. Conservative clothes. MAW, that made me laugh out loud. Then I looked down and saw my floor length gunny-sack dress. That made me cry out loud.

  15. A lot of people don't know the Captain's favorite drink is a a Belvedere with a splash of tonic, twist of grapefruit. It's the twist of grapefruit that makes his signature a classic. And the fact he drinks it over crushed ice.

  16. Oh dear god, I'm laughing so hard that my kids are scared.

    "Daddy, why is mommy screaming, crying and rolling around on the ground?"

    "It's OK kids, mommy just read a really funny guest post by Jenboglass over at Captain Dumbass's blog. She'll be better soon."

    My favorite parts: 1. Your map comprehension skills. 2. SL asking you to please not look her directly in the eyes. 3. The whiteboard (CD should totally do a post that combines Zombies and that bicycle seat. That's blogging gold.)

    MAW woman's comment is also hilarious. I imagine her sewing up a homespun dress as we speak.

    Good stuff right there, sister. Good stuff.

  17. Dude, I am only, like, half an inch from Captain Dumbass! And I probably could have found a drill so you could sleep on the couch.

    Dude, I really hate to say it, but I think you may need the Stalker Refresher Course.

  18. Hilarious! You are hilarious wherever you go. I believe Iowa and Utah are, from time to time, confused as the same place by some. If by accident you end up here on your return effort home, you're welcome for as long as you like!

  19. It's nice to know our neighbors to the north are so welcoming and fond of Americans showing up on their doorstep.

  20. Hey Steenky, you are just the best stalker. You're like a professional or something.
    Have you been taking lessons or does that just come naturally?

  21. Wow, I am WAY JEALOUS of all the ideas on the whiteboard. My family meetings do NOT produce near the number of AWESOME ideas.

    Thanks for sharing your visit!

  22. lol!!!! Okay yeah, this was so worth reading while Angel Eyes jumped on my bed shrieking and screaming!

  23. Supreme Leader obviously highly valued you as a new addition to the family. I am suprised she let you come home!

  24. I'm so glad you understand the native speak of the country you are visiting. If you ever end up in Texas, "Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out" it totally code for, "Sit down, stay a while...I totally adore you." You know, just in case you ever hear it... :)

  25. Maybe my hints were too subtle.

  26. I live in KY if you're ever in the mood for another road trip. We can drink moonshine and scream "Hillbilly!!!" at everyone that drives by. I think that would be fun.

  27. Awesome post. Enjoyed the read.

  28. Awesome post usual. If I could figure out how to get some of the greatness in a bottle that would be awesome.

  29. Great post, Jen! Do you also French braid your hair and get along with your sister wives?

  30. Sweet baby made me laugh out loud. But not in a LOL kind of mindless way. The real kind of laugh. With snot.

  31. Stranger danger must be a universal school theme of late. My 4 year old keeps talking of stranger danger the past two weeks and even mentioned it to today at the festival. Stranger danger Mommy!

    So, um, yes, inquiring minds want to know -- do they call it Canadian bacon or is it just bacon?

  32. I'm so happy you enjoyed our
    famous Cdn. hostility, I mean
    hospitality! I'm a little annoyed,
    since they were supposed to be coming to visit us. Oh well, I let
    go of my bitterness in favour of
    World Harmony. I do love the fact
    that you cropped a few years off
    my age.

  33. OK. I'm so late on this one, but this was hilarious. Oh wait..I'm not that late, it is only a day later. But still..I feel late. Yet, I feel like I needed that laugh, like a lot and now I've had it -- my way.

    Thanks Steenky!

  34. umm yeah, I want to see pics of this adventure, and I'm quite certain you might have stayed to long.... Did you check your brakes before you headed back?? And did ya slepp w/ one eye open? Thank goodness ya amade it home safe!Leah

  35. I'm so glad you stalked first. This way, it paves the way for me.

    I'm coming up next month, Captain. Get ready!


Come on, sailor. I love you long time.