Emails From Home: Busted

Subject: I just got in trouble
Liam found some toys parts in the garbage and now he's angry at me and finking on me to his brother.

Subject: Oh dear god
Now he's found that half of Bumblebee in the garbage. I'm being sent to jail.

Congratulations!

One of my co-workers is having a boy soon. I got this card for her. It's not quite Hallmark, but I think it's special just the same.


I know, I know, don't get all weepy. I'm just a very caring man, in touch with his feelings.

Old Tom Foolery

Juggling With Burning Toilet Paper

Liam: (sitting on potty) Daddy, what is this?

Me: It's the toilet paper holder, hon.

Liam: (points at the toilet paper on the counter)?

Me: Toilet paper.

Liam: Why is it there?

Me: Because your mommy has a bachelors and an honours degree but still can't put toilet paper on the roll.

Mommy: (faintly from the next room) What?

Later...

Bernadette: Why did Connor just ask me if I was going to be grumpy when I wake up tomorrow?            

Me: (looking for an escape route or defensive weapon) Um... well... you might have been a teensy bit grouchy when you woke up and I suggested to him that it would be better for everyone if he didn't act crazy before bed and put on his jammies quietly. (nervous laughter)

Stars In My Sky: Uh huh. (turning with a look of promised reprisal)

Lokoum, and why all my teeth just melted

One of my co-workers just returned from a trip to Greece (bitch). She brought in a box of something called Lokoum. They look like...um...hold on... I'm blanking out this morning. You know, those jellied candy thingys? The soft ones? Whatever, it doesn't matter. Point is I ate one and it's basically a drop of jam holding sugar together. My legs are still shaking.

Thomas the Transformer

I love this shirt. I love the reactions it gets. The looks of confusion from toddlers and little kids are the best, though sometimes they need a little friendly reassurance. Older kids, teenagers and parents get it pretty quick, but all of them are thrown at first. "Hey, it's Thomas....wft?" For the life of me I can't remember who I got it from. I'll update later when I get home. For now maybe I'll actually do my job.

** Got the t and Glennz. Go there, great stuff. Tell them I sent you, maybe I'll get some freebees.

Sore Ass, Lazy Ass, Dumb Ass

I was going to open up by complaining about my aches and pains because I was on my knees all night, but you people are pigs. I was painting my sundeck, dammit. Grow up.

Last spring we had a sundeck built to replace the nasty-ass, child endangering concrete slabs that used to be there. It's beautiful and as I've mentioned before, roughly the size of an aircraft carrier. Really. I live fairly close to Vancouver International Airport. YVR called me a month ago asking if they could land a Cessna with engine problems in my back yard because they didn't think it would make it to the airport. I said, no prob, let me clear the toys off first. It's just how I roll. I wasn't really happy about how long the repairs took, but honesty, the wings provided fantastic shade and the boys loved it.

Anyway, by the time I got around to painting it last year it was already August and apparently cedar doesn't absorb stain so well during the hottest time of the day and the hottest month of the year. Go figure. Flash forward a year to me borrowing my father-in-law's sander. It was so much fun the first time, why not do it again? I finished the sanding about two weeks ago. Then it rained. And rained some more. And a little bit after that. Now the wood is finally dry and, surprise surprise, it's August again!

I got up early yesterday and painted half the deck then went out again after the boys went to bed and finished it off. Now my knees hurt, though not as bad as my tail bone and what the hell's with that? My sacrum and coccyx feel like they've been crushed together. Maybe wife gave me an atomic drop while I was sleeping last night? It's possible. Imagine Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Bruce Lee in Game of Death. And, no, I didn't miss the fact that Kareem (me) lost. Wife has mad Shaolin skillz.

So now it's done. Again. And much like last year, now that it's done summer is half over and we won't be able to find decent outdoor furniture. It's a beautiful deck, but hard on the ass. Hence the sore ass.

*This is one of those posts I begin in the morning before I start work. One of those I get back to at lunch and have totally lost the thread on. Whatever, deal with it.

Peace out!

Shopping

Storm Trooper 1: What did you think of the red ones?

Storm Trooper 2: I liked them, but when would you ever wear them?

Storm Trooper 1: If my transfer goes through to the Imperial Guards they would totally work with the new uniform.

Storm Trooper 2: Want to go back and get them?

Storm Trooper 1: Let's look around some more, I'll think about it.