Seattle, It's A Honour Just To Be Nominated & So What If It's Monday?

So the Dumbasses are once again invading the Pacific Northwest this Friday, if we can make it across the border, that is. We'll be fine, but two of my wife's sisters are coming along and they look suspicious at the best of times. Maybe I should be nicer since they're paying for the hotel. Whatever, if my ass ends up in Federal lock up or Guantanamo because of them why should I be nice? Orange is not my colour. Though I wish it was. I like orange. The boys can wear orange, but they've got just enough of Supreme Leader's skin tone to get away with it.

What?

Anyway, if you're from Seattle or anywhere around there I need some suggestions for things to do if you if you have pets. I mean, children.

I got nominated for a Blogger's Choice Award! I didn't even know until I got an email from Jen at Blissfully Caffeinated and I was all, "no way" and she was like, "way" and I was like "no way" and she was "WAY!" OK, it didn't happen anything like that. I was nominated by Peggy from Stir Crazy in the Suburbs who is now an official BFF for life! Ryan from the Panic Room is going to win this one in a landslide, but I guess that's ok since he is somewhat handsome. For a man. What? Oh! That kind of hottest. Ok, that makes sense. I was wondering about that since Ryan's put on a few pounds and he had that Grizzly Adams thing going on for awhile. Either way, I want to beat somebody so if you could vote for me I'd appreciate it. Look, I'll bribe you with cute things like this:



Come on, that's gotta be worth something. Vote for Ryan too, I did.

And it's Monday.


Stop whining.

Remember When Super Man Flew Around The World Really Fast And Made It Turn The Other Way And Time Went Backwards?

I cut my lawn today with a lawn trimmer. The whole thing, front and back, 'cause I'm that kind of classy. I know. We don't have a second car, but if we did, I'd totally put it up on blocks in the front yard. Maybe add an old fridge or stove too. We... I broke our mower last year and instead of getting it fixed I just kept borrowing my father-in-law's. You know, it wasn't even last year that it broke, it was the end of summer before last. Fuck, am I lazy. No, that's not true. Well, yes it is, but not for the purposes of this post. I don't know, I'm in a funk.

Shit. I just paused in thought for a minute there and noticed my camera which has been plugged into the computer for about two hours now. Excellent. When the Mother Ship arrives tonight and my battery is dead I'll only have myself to blame. At this juncture I should mention that this post has absolutely no point to it at all. And yes, I went back and added 'juncture' to the beginning of that last sentence so I could use 'point' at the end and not have a sentence with two points because that's all wrong.

Where was I? Oh ya, nowhere. Did you know the bigger planets in our solar system rotate faster than smaller planets? If you did you suck. Please shut up now. So ya, Jupiter is two and half times bigger than all the other planets combined and it rotates in less than 10 hours. Tiny little Mercury takes 58 Earth days (Ok, this is kinda because it's got a messed up orbit but cut me some slack). Now if I lived on Mercury, a 58 day, er, day might be enough for me to get things done around the house, spend enough time with the kids so I don't feel like I'm neglecting them and still have enough "me" time to keep from going crazy. Oh ya, and then there's that black haired woman I share a bed with. I think her name starts with a... wait, it'll come to me.

And now it's an hour and a half after I wrote that because I had to stop and watch Bones. I love Bones, and not just because of my man-crush on David Boreanaz, but tonight's episode was just annoying me.

Dear Hollywood,
If you tell me that one of the characters I'll be watching in (insert show name here) is Japanese, is from Japan, has a Japanese name and, oh look, the actor playing him is Japanese... I get it. It's enough. I really don't need the hokey canned Zamfir pan-flute "Asian" music in the background. The same goes for every other ethnic group or foreign country the show may be visiting. I know you're playing to the lowest common denominator, but seriously, if they're that dumb they probably can't afford to buy your advertiser's products anyway so screw 'em.

And oh my god the theme song from Greatest American Hero just came on and does anybody remember that show? I remember watching it with my mom and I'm pretty sure she was letting me stay up late to see it and remember Robert Culp as the curmudgeonly FBI agent? He was great. Guess he must be dead by now. I have a thing for hokey 70's songs. And yes, I've used the word 'hokey' twice now in one post. Whatevs. You're still here, aren't you?

I made these for my boys. Cause I'm a crafty bitch.



End.

Random Tuesday: It stings a little at first, but you get used to it

Oh ya, it's Random Tuesday. Only today it's random people's random thoughts. Arranged randomly.


From MetroDad:

Joe is a young Canadian drummer who began playing in May of 2008. He was 3.5 years old. He has had no lessons and has learned to play entirely by watching drummers on YouTube. He plays at least an hour a day. The kid rocks the sticks like a young Neil Peart. Here he is rocking The Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again."

Check out this kid. They show him playing the whole song, and "Won't Get Fooled Again" is over 8 minutes, so if you don't want to watch the whole thing get the intro when he starts and then skip ahead til around the 6:30 mark.

Must have fridge magnets.




This is so much funnier if you have small children.





Now that I'm painting my house I truly despise wallpaper. But...



And just in case you were wondering, 'random Tuesday' cannot be literally translated into Chinese. Trust me, I asked a room full of Chinese people.

Go to Keely's, join the fun.

(zombies) (kitty) (Thomas) (throwing stars) (wallpaper)

A Tale of Gluttony in Twelve Courses

Saturday night we loaded up the Dumbass family and headed off to Burnaby (hometown of Michael J. Fox, Joe Sakic and Michael Bublé. Oh, and I was born there) and the Fortune House Seafood Restaurant for a punishing twelve rounds of Olympic consumption. Dinner was for a little guy named Ronan who's been on the outside for one whole month now. What? Not prison, the womb. In many Asian cultures this is cause for... well, it's an excuse to eat. Sadly I have no picture of little Ronan. All mine sucked and my sister-in-laws haven't downloaded theirs yet.

As soon as we get there Liam discovers a few things. One, chocolates at every place setting. Two, every place setting has chopstick holders shaped like a dragon's head. Three, he is small and easily overlooked.


The chocolate was quickly confiscated before I took the picture.

Eats! Course #1. Roast pork and mixed meat platter. A little something to take the edge off. The little rolls were crab meat. Connor actually ate one. We were so happy we were ready to give him the chocolates.


#2 Deep fried stuffed crab claws with minced shrimp. Grab the claw like he's shaking your hand. "I died for your pleasure!" "Appreciate it, pal!"


#3 Sautéed shrimps and cuttlefish with vegetables.


#4 Ah, Bruce. Fish are friends, not food.



You sadly, were food. There was speculation at our table that we were getting fin-less soup since murdering sharks for their tasty fins is frowned upon now, but it was not so.


#5 Lobster is a staple at any of these banquets, but you know what a lobster looks like. How about a four year old kissing a decapitated lobster head? Betcha haven't seen that!


#6 Braised abalone mushrooms. Or, braised surgical glove in oyster sauce. Not my favourite.

#7 Steamed whole fish. I had better shots of this, but I liked his sad face. "Why? Why did you do this to me?"


#8. Deep fried crispy chicken. Whatever, it's all about the shrimp chips.


#9 Nine? I don't have a name for nine, but it's served a lot because the noodles stand for long life or something like that. All the dishes have some type of meaning but this is the only one I know for sure. Well, mostly sure.


#10 Honeymoon fried rice and braised E-Fu noodles in abalone sauce. By this point you start hoping they'll stop bringing plates out.


#11 But then its dessert time! I don't know what this erotic jello masterpiece was called, but I seriously contemplated stealing the plate and running. Sadly I'd had to undo my pants half way through and running was entirely out of the question.


#12 Sweetened red bean soup. Fini.


By far the coolest part of the dinner was the Dyson Airblade hand dryers in the washrooms. If you're laughing at me you haven't tried one. If you're nodding your head at me in understanding? I KNOW! They're so cool! Twelve seconds and your hands are dry. They need ones for your entire body. Though maybe not your goodies. Even though it's only air it is being forced out a tiny opening at 640 kilometres an hour.


And that was Saturday. Got the kids home around eleven-ish and they were a TREAT Sunday. Couldn't even tell they'd been up late the night before. Heh heh. *nervous twitch*

Happy Birthday, Diggy

Because that's what he's calling himself these days. The picture is blurry, but since he never stops, so is he.






Happy Birthday, Liam. You're a loving cuddly monkey with the temper of a super nova, and today you are four. Go break something, baby.


PS. I hate American Idol type shows with a passion, but go check out Unmitigated after you're done here. This is what it should be about.

Salty Dogs, The Auto Industry And Eating Til It Hurts

My week:
Remember Jaws? The first one. Remember the noise the whale made when Jaws ate it? The front end of my van was making that noise.



God, I love Quint. If I didn't love my header so much I'd have a picture of Quint up there and if you steal my idea I swear I'll find you and stab you in the eye with a harpoon and then disappear into the vastness that is my country and they'll never find me. Unless it's the Mounties because they always get their man and there are some really attractive constables out there so maybe that wouldn't be so bad and maybe they'd be pissed at that misogynistic saying and turn a blind eye if I were disguised in drag because, hey, I wouldn't be a 'man' anymore, would I? And 'turning a blind eye?' Does that saying piss blind people off?

Where was I? Oh ya, so Monday I have to drag the kids over to the in-laws and take the van in to exorcise whatever evil spirit has possessed my front end. (of the van, leave it alone)

Today (yesterday because I'm writing this last night)(writing a blog is like time travel sometimes) I had to bring the van into the auto body shop to have the entire right hand side of the car cut off but they assure me it will only take a few days to fix. Why don't they make cars out of Lego? The rental place gives me a PT Cruiser and hey Chrysler, nice design on the bench seat in the back, I don't feel like my kids are in danger at all because of your shitty design ideas. Can't imagine why you guys are going under.

Tomorrow (today), we're spending the day at the aquarium because Connor's class is going and Supreme Leader has the day off so we're taking Liam along for a day of family fun. I wonder if they have wi-fi?

Thursday... I don't think anything is happening Thursday. That can't be right.

Friday, BBQ'ing a small farm for Liam's fourth birthday.

Saturday, ten course Chinese banquet. The dinner is for a sister of a sister-in-law's baby's one month celebration. Got that? Whatever, it's just an excuse to eat. A lot.

Hmm. Writing it down it doesn't seem as bad as it did in my head. Lists are good.

Random Tuesday: Insert Thought Here

Random Tuesday! Let's go.



To all of you who started blogging thinking you could be the next Dooce but were then brutally crushed by the cold hearted reality of ad revenue and page hits, cheer up, MetroDad is in talks to have his blog turned into a network sitcom. There's still hope for you!

Bacon porn

I was upstairs painting the other day when I heard the crash of breaking glass from downstairs. There was an immediate silence that told me there were two little boys staring at each other desperately trying to come up with an excuse. I stood at the top of the stairs trying to carefully balance the risk of injury with the value of terror as a lesson. Then I couldn't keep my laughter in any longer so I went down to the kitchen to find that Liam had climbed up on the table to make an ass print in his Play-doh and knocked a bowl off the table. Meh, it was an ugly bowl.

If I didn't already use Visa I'd apply for one, just because Morgan Freeman told me too. Because he is Morgan Freeman.

In honour of Jen of Steenky Bee getting out of Witness Protection I gave her a wall and told her she could have whatever she wanted painted on it. She gave me a list of ideas and while "Canada, America's hat" was a real gut buster here north of the border, our astute panel of judge decided on this one.


After the picture the boys promptly burned it from the wall with their eyes.

What the hell happened to the Follow option on Blooger? Google Friends Network? This isn't (fuck)Facebook. I don't want to have to pinkie-swear to be BFF's for life to follow a blog, I want to click one button and be done with it.

Liam: Why is there no school today?
Mommy: Because the teachers need a day off to learn some new things. They're learning how to deal with emergencies like fires and earthquakes.
Me: Your temper.

That's all I got. Go over to the Un-Mom's and join in the carnage.

*That thing I said above about you still having hope of making it big with your blog? That wasn't true. But Mommy and Daddy love you, no matter what.