Syn-propanethial-S-oxide is not your friend

So at some point in our collective history some poor bastard was starving bad enough that he/she had to eat an onion. "Hey, this thing makes my eyes feel like they've been stung by bees and I'm going to lose a few fingers just cutting it up, but it's either that or die. Hopefully that saber tooth tiger doesn't show up while I'm rolling around on the ground clutching my face and screaming." Guess what? I'M NOT STARVING! Why are we still torturing ourselves with these damn things?!

Yes, Supreme Leader is making me cook tonight, why?

This Is Why I'm Fat...

(Think MIMS)

This is why I'm fat, this is why I'm fat,


This is why, this is why, this is why I'm fat.
I'm fat 'cause ya cook, I'm fat 'cause ya bake, ya,
This is why, this is why, this is why I'm fat.

Ok, I'm not really fat, but she's trying.

Holiday Monday Breakfast

Wife: Are you doing anything?

Me: (spinning Liam around the kitchen & blowing raspberries in his neck) No.

Wife: Then cook the bacon.

Me: (pointing at the dials) What do I set this at?

Wife: Medium

Me: (opening freezer, looking but...)

Wife: It's in the fridge.

Me: (opening the fridge, looking but...)

Wife: It's in the door.

Me: It's about the way you said that...

Wife: Like you're an idiot?

PS. Do NOT fry bacon without a shirt on. Ribs and the little spot just below your armpit? Mad sensitive.

38 years of dumb, for your viewing pleasure.