Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Flesh Eating Babies and Burning Cars

Hey, remember me? I used to blog here. A lot. Now I've turned into something of a ghost blogger, only showing up every week or so to scare the locals before going back into hiding. Meh, I've got a one year old. A one year old who bit my eyelid Sunday night. Bit. My. Eyelid. 'Cause he's rabid. Why am I not blogging much anymore, because I've got an eyelid biting, rabid, cannibal one year old trying to kill me at every turn. That's why.


You know what's really awesome? When you've been prepping a blog post that you've been adding things to all day because you're forgetful at the best of times and then your 6 year old calls you from the bathroom where he's sitting on the toilet and jokingly tells you that your one year old is playing with his pooey diaper. Yes, the cannibal from above. You think nothing of it and go on looking at pictures in tumblr because, come on, he's six and poo jokes are in and besides, the baby is right here playing... where the hell is the baby? Then you run off to the bathroom and find out that, sure enough, your one year old has knocked over the garbage bin and has pulled opened the hideous abomination you threw in there a hour or so ago and meant to throw in the outside trash soon because of its noxious death odor but now it's too late because it's out. Out out. Like on the bath mat, and not only the bath mat, but the funny shaped one around the toilet bowl and oh god, it's on his hands, his hands! So then you stand him up against the bath tub so you can... do something with this disgusting, heinous crime against humanity and get the poo monster sprayed down before he touches something else, like your arm! He touched your arm! And then you see your six year old, still sitting on the throne, smirking because you have poo on your arm and now you don't need to wash it off because your fury is burning it from your skin only it's impotent fury because now you're trying to keep baby, who by now is soaped down and slippery as a greased pig, from playing with the faucets and burning himself. And once you've been able to contain this hazardous train wreck and get the animals back in their pens you discover that your effing computer has crashed and everything you've been working on is gone. Gone and not saved by Blogger even though you know you saw that damn 'save now' button turn from blue to grey.

*deep breath*

Moving on. See this picture here? I sent it to Michele from It's a Dog's Life...

...and she turned it into this.

Sadly, six days ago, a handful of asshats decided it would be fun to light cars on fire, loot, and generally ruin the reputation of a great city, all on the pretext of the Vancouver Canucks losing the Stanley Cup. By now I'm sure you've all seen the pictures of the fires and the destruction, but what you may not have seen was pictures like this.

This was the morning after the riots, and those are post-its notes thanking the Vancouver Police for everything they did. By the end of the day that car was buried in notes, cards, flowers and signs. That same morning, thousands of volunteers showed up downtown to help city crews clean up the mess. Another great thing that happened, that actually started before the rioting had even finished, was the creation of several facebook and tumblr pages encouraging people who had been there to submit their photos and videos of the rioters in an attempt to help the police identify them. As of last night, the VPD had over a million photos and a hundred hours of video. Quite a few idiots have already lost their jobs because their employers or people who worked with them saw them on line or on tv that night. Thank goodness most of the people who do this sort of thing are stupid enough to take pictures of themselves doing it.

Peace out


  1. kids. what else can I say? Even at almost 23, my oldest still does really stupid shit that makes me want to kill her. and the youngest...he is ruled by hormones and brain-eating slugs these days.

    I saw something about the rioting, but never did get all the details. Good for honest folks standing up and doing the right thing. It just reinforces your belief in mankind...

  2. A day in the life of a DAD. No matter how infrequently you post in these busy pooy days the times you do post are read with relish. :D

    Some things never change, I am told that some 63 years ago, my parents were enjoying a late morning in bed, believing their first born was for once being good, at least she was quiet. Upon arising, they found said first born covered with brown and happily painting the crib with paint said first born had created her very own self. Thank goodness I am still alive. I guess it was a close call. :D the first of many trials and tribulations inflicted upon said parents.

  3. I saw some of the coverage about the riots while I was in Ottawa. Why is it that the bad people get so much more media coverage than the good people. Isn't nice that the good ones have an outlet in social media to help the police catch the bad ones?

    OMG! my dogs would have loved to helped the baby spread the poo.

  4. dude...sorry but i was rolling in laughter...how did he bite your eye lid...lol...and the poopy diaper, only cause i know your pain...you slay me...

    cool on the painting...very cool...and on the post it notes and pics...so busted...

  5. I'm feeling smug that my kids never played in their own poo (or someone else's). I'm sure that'll bite me in the butt soon.

    I've never ever understood rioting cause your team didn't win a game. It goes to show how many middle school kids there are pretending to be adults. I love the post it note thing. That's a pretty great thing to come from something so destructive.

  6. Here, in central Massachusetts, all we got to see in the news was the rioting. I would loved to have seen some of the happy news of the volunteers and the post-it note cruiser. THANK YOU for sharing it!! I don't think if roles were reversed, many Bostonians would have come out to help clean up.

  7. Ewwwwww! Pooooooo!

    The painting is magnificent! Michele did a fantastic job!!

    As far as those crazy riots...no matter the country, dumb people exist. I was sad to hear that was going on. Hockey people, HOCKEY. Not life. Not the end of life. Not even a zombie apocalypse. A GAME. ON ICE.

    I kicked Blogger in the balls for not saving your work.

  8. Sounds like the folks in Vancouver made up for the few, the ill-bred, the a-holes.

    Great photograph of what I'm guessing is you and your children?

    Funny story, poo and all.

  9. Darn real life getting in the way of blogging!
    I love the painting and the poo story? You definitely beat my worst mess story about my 2 and 3 year olds getting into the marshmallow fluff one Sunday morning. They looked like Michelin men.
    Pro Tip: Sleeping late with small children in the house can be very dangerous.

  10. I'm laughing.
    I'm laughing hard.
    Really, I'm not laughing AT you.
    I'm laughing WITH you.
    Luckily, you will forget these poo incidents because they will be replaced by bigger and better fury inducing events!

  11. It's beautiful! The painting is beautiful! I know what it's like to live in a city that gets painted with a broad brush when something bad happens...

  12. Vancouver asshats indeed. I was embarrassed to be Canadian for a little bit there....

    Sorry for laughing at teh poo story...been there done that.
    Bit. Your. Eyelid? Wow. Can't even top that..or want to. LOL

  13. I wish news would report that good people DO exist...

    Sorry about the poo incident - certainly not your first nor last I'm afraid.

    Also, Finn is really taking on the role of full-on Zombie he was clearly going for your brain....keep an eye on that kid - at least the one good one you still have.

  14. My best one was when I ahd put the then one year old in the tub for a batha dn looked over at the thing he was trying to give me--WHAT IS THAT! Can you guess? Yes he was trying to hand me the poop he had deposited in the tub. Yeah, I did not do so good with that little present.

  15. snicker...just wait, it's only just begun, the kid thing...driving...oh yes, you think it is so far away...hahahaha.

  16. Vancover vandalizing was tragic. :(

    What happens in the bathroom of boys under 8 is horrifing.

    Maybe you should post pics on You tube and see if you get any good samaratian hazmat teams to help you out with the cleaning.

  17. Every baby seems to have one of those OMG totally hideous moments with them. It is like you get the wonderful present- them, but they bring along something more sinister to spring on you when you least expect it. I think it maintains order in the universe or something.

    Sorry haven't been sleeping much and it is making me weird.

    Mine- I got vomited on, peed on, and pooped on (5x) in less than 5 minutes. I cried...a lot.

    Asshat- I love that word, wish I could use it at work I think it would make me feel better.

  18. Yeah the poop jokes get really old around here. And that pic of the post-its: awesome! At least SOME people are civilized. Happy RTT.

  19. I was quivering with sympathy over your description of the poo-cident. It's hard to recover from things like that. As a matter of fact, when things like that happen at say, noon, and Mommy's able to hit her happy place and recover, it's at say, 5pm that day, that I'm yelling over something simple like dropping a grape on the floor.

    Either that or summer's just more stressful 'round these parts.

  20. Ok, repeat after me.....I have to go through this so I can help produce healthy hard working adults for the future.
    And know it will get better in 20 years or so.

  21. I was laughing until I got to the part about poo on your arm. Ewww... my sympathies.

    Great painting

  22. So very glad I survived that part of parenting! And you will too.

  23. I have come to the conclusion that God makes little kids really cute so you don't strangle them.

  24. When you said Burning Cars, I didn't take much mind… but then I saw all the post-it notes on the car and wondered if they covered the car in post-it notes then lit it on fire (how cool is that).

  25. You Canadians are such good citizens. I love it!

    Sorry to hear about the poop. Parenting is humbling.

  26. You know, I go off the grid for a couple months, and I return to discover THIS??? Sheesh.

    (Reminds me of the good ol' days when my daughter attempted to fling her poop at the cat when she was a baby. Good times.)

  27. This post wore me the hell out. Kee-rist on a pogo stick, I thought I was tired before, but now? woof.

    I still think Vancouver would be a great place to visit, rioting idiots be damned. And apparently fired and facing criminal charges! Woot!

  28. That was disgusting what your baby did! :) But typical in my house, too!
    That is nice about what everyone did on Facebook from the riots. We were joking about that one pic of the dude with the coach bag ourselves. Seriously, don't let yourself pictured with the evidence, idiot. Pretty sure someone is going to recognize you!

  29. Great post man! Wondered where you've been. I see the rabid one-year old is consuming your life bit by bit (or is it bite by bite??). That riot stuff was crazy! Til next time...remember to throw the diaper away IMMEDIATELY after changing. Just saying...

  30. Oh God! OH GAWD! BAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!! Oh oh oh ohhhh. soooo sorry to be laughing at your misery, but come on. Aaaaaah, okay, okay, deep breath....



    Aww, that painting is wonderful! Great shot. She did a fantastic job!

    And I am so very impressed with the citizens of Vancouver. Wow! Way to go!

  31. That is certainy the crappiest reason for not blogging that I have ever heard (and that might be the lamest joke about it that you've heard!) you've gone to the dark side.

    Awesome pic!

  32. should have sicced the baby on the rioters. Hope your sanity improves with toilet training. Love the family pic & painting, by the way

  33. You could totally write a book about your at-home adventures. And? I believe you should. A pox on the rioters and a major high-five to the police who did what they had to to fix things. If that kid ever bites you on the eyelid again, I guess you'll know who to call, right?

  34. Tears...rolling...down...my...face...from...laughing! OMG, that was hilarious. You know, because it happened to you and not me. I can honestly say Indy was never interested in poopie diapers. Of course Han Solo is only 2 months old, and with my luck, he will be and in about 10 months or so, I'll have a similar horror story like yours to share.
    I thought of you when I saw the rioting. I thought, "what are those crazy Canuks up to???" Captain will be so embarrassed. How cool about the police car thing though. Sadly, I'm pretty sure that would never happen in the US.
    BTW, I FINALLY got your replacement post card in the mail last week. Hopefully you'll get it soon. I picked you one up in Paris too. I'll post that in, oh, I don't know, a month or so. :)

  35. First I was like, oh yeah, I've been in the "poop is everywhere" place, and then I was laughing my ass off, and then I was like, WHAT?? WHAT??


    However. Life is good, my friend. Life is good.

  36. I am so glad to not have to deal with "poo" anymore. My having to occasionally flush of the toilet due to the lack of the courtesy flush on the part of the 4 or 6 yr old is just fine by me. Good luck with all that...

  37. Negative media coverage is a sucky trend. It's why I don't watch the news. Thanks for putting the proper spin on it Captain, I love stories ike that.

    The poo story made my day ;-)

  38. Ugh, poop. I don't miss poop smearing. Remember when my kid ate someone else's poop? Yeah, poop sucks.

    Those post-it's are awesome... as is Michele's painting. She's a talented chick.

  39. So before I read the last part of the post, I was all like, "Omg...I can't believe people vandalized a police car with post it notes!" But now I take that back.

  40. Bwahahah! Man, you always crack me up. Keep it up Ghosty.

  41. Let's hope he doesn't learn the finger painting aspects of poo during naptime...because THAT is nasty. Like maybe-I'll-just-sell-the-house-or-turn-it-over-the-bank-instead-of-clean-this-up nasty.

    I really love your community's response to the riots. I only saw coverage of the riots and "the kiss".

  42. Eek... you just scraed me, of ever becoming a mother!!! D:
    Monsters! That's all I can say.

    I'm still shocked about the riots. NY... ok, LA... ok, Toronto... maybe, but Vancouver? -That was like a slap in the face for sure.

  43. My kind of thing. I feel more convenient with this doing it.

  44. Hate to tell you, but once the kids leave the nest, then the dog will take over; so basically life is always filled with poop!

  45. I once heard my 1 year old awake after her nap upstairs in her crib. She was happy, and cooing and all, and I was quite busy with work (I work from home) so I figured "Eh, she's happy, I'll let her hang out there for a little longer."

    Sitting here on the couch, probably in the same exact spot I'm sitting right now, my nose detected that feint whiff that only a parent of a child in diapers who'd recently switched to solid foods could detect... The "There's a dirty diaper upstairs and on the other end of the house" smell.

    "Oh shit," I muttered, not intending a pun, and having no idea how prophetic the word was.

    As I climbed the stairs, the degree of stink changed gradually. As I started, it went from "A dirty diaper upstairs" to "A dirty diaper... did I leave one ON the stairs?" halfway up it changed to "omg, what'd she eat", and at the top, I'd pretty much resigned myself to the fact that it must have leaked through the diaper, and I was going to have to give her a bath right that moment.

    My daughter had experienced an adult size movement, striped her clothes off, and removed her diaper...

    I spent the next three hours cleaning, and the next four days SWEARING I could still smell it on my hands, even though I wore gloves.

    You know what... I think I just got inspired to make a blog post... I don't have a "poop" label yet...

  46. Several versions of that poo story have been enacted in my house... It's one of the top reasons that I refuse to buy a dog. I will not pick up canine poop until I can honestly say that I never have to interact in children's poop in any way. "I can't wait until they're all potty trained and I don't have to clean up poop anymore." So clueless...

  47. I have an 18 month old (and a four year old) so I truly feel your pain. I'm also a bit of a fairweather blogger these days.

    I love that people put post it notes on the police cars. That is awesome - thanks for sharing your stories.

  48. Poo? So sorry.
    Computer crash? So sorry.
    Michele picture? So jealous.
    I do love that when Vancouver temporarily lost its mind (over hockey...of course) and had an L.A. moment, that everybody CLEANED UP! Hysterical.

  49. Wow, I'm late to this game, huh? I don't come to your blog to read about your poo trauma, I have enough of my own. I come to read about how cute your kids are, since mine are evil, mind liquidating pygmies. But I can empathize that poo on everything is more than disgusting and infuriating.

  50. I am a poopy diaper expert. Oh, not that I aspired to be. It just kind of happened, as shit does. I have a wonderful poo story, as most parents do, if they are brave enough to relive it. I enjoyed yours. Believe it or not. I feel I am not alone in my poo misery.

    I love that your Vancouverites helped the police with the rioting crapola. You Canadians are AWESOME! Maybe I will move there someday. Maybe.

  51. omg that photo of you and your little girl, next to your boys, backs to the camera...so sweet....


Come on, sailor. I love you long time.