Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Effect And Cause

My dentist has the coolest stuff in his office. And I'm not just talking about the TV in the ceiling, because that is just simply a must. I'm laying out some serious dime* for you to poke and prod me so the least you can do is keep me entertained. And we're not talking basic cable either. No, he's got a laser. Granted it's not shaped like a gun and it's noisy as hell, but still, zapping cavities with no needle? That's cool in my book. He's also got some large computer monitors which I'd wondered about on past visits. Today he's talking some mumbo jumbo about something or other and I'm all, buddy, move your head, Horatio Caine's about to take off his sunglasses, and you know that means trouble. Then he has the nerve to pull off my headset and point at one of the monitors. Since I missed whatever he was talking about I look at what appears to be an open pit of industrial waste with some confusion. Not wanting to seem rude I nod sagely and say, "yes, rampant Chinese industrialization is terrible. I understand the need for development and their desire to catch up to the West, but at what cost? The human and environmental impact must be measured..." I break off when it's obvious from his face that I missed the mark.
"Dude, that's your cavity close up." Then with my mouth agape he stabs it with a large bore needle and explains that this picture was taken from a small camera I hadn't even noticed him putting in my mouth (that sounds dirty) and that this small looking cavity has probably worked its way under my silver filling and that we should probably replace it. He took my racking sobs as agreement and stabbed me again. Sure enough, after drilling that bastard off (by the way, that cool laser? Doesn't work so well on reflective surfaces like silver fillings. Oh no, they still go old school on them), sure enough, there was more. On a 24" screen close up that thing looked like the land of Mordor minus the giant flaming eye.

So, if you noticed my absence from your blog yesterday, that was why. I tried going through some, but with half of my head frozen my drool shorted out my keyboard and I had to run out to Best Buy to get a new one. It's not my fault though. Look at what I have to deal with at home.


My sisters-in-law just got back from France and brought us madeleines and macarons (no, not macaroons, macarons) and Supreme Leader made a lemon pie. What? I have the will power of a stray dog. I bit into that first macaron and it made sweet love to my tongue and promised to call me again and then it did and this time it was chocolate. You don't understand. Can you see in the picture where it says au beurre frais? Made with fresh butter. The madeleines came individually wrapped and sighed a little breath of sugary buttery love with each one I opened. (Let me point out at this juncture however that they are no where as good as Supreme Leader's. Not even a distant second.) And the pie! The pie! Sweet lemony goodness that cannot be denied lest its feelings be hurt.

I'm just thinking of those starving children in... where were they, mom?

52 comments:

  1. Screw cavities, you've got lemon pie??

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  2. Screw dental work, no one gets in the way of Horatio....

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  3. And...er...one starving child here in third world Indian village. Who happens to love lemon pie. And who you want to make happy. Right? RIGHT?

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  4. Lasers!!! I want a laser. I will check into this development. WOW!! Now you can eat more sugar! Excellent.

    Are you admitting to ruining the keyboard? The children are easy to blame!!! Run with it next time. I am so disappointed in you.

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  5. Your dentist has a serious tricked out shop. Our dude still just bashes a rock into your skull until you pass out and goes at it with a hammer and chisel.
    Oh and the sweets, totally explains the drool.

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  6. ...lemon pie...lemon pie...lemon pie...

    (softly weeping, licking screen)

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  7. I have no idea how you got a cavity with lemon pie around. No idea.

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  8. India, dude. Don't worry. I mailed 'em my lima beans. They're cool now.

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  9. I never thought you'd use the whole "sorry I didn't visit your blog, I drooled on my keyboard" excuse. You've sunk to a new low. ;)

    I would weigh about a ton if I lived with SL, that woman is amazing.

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  10. SL save the Captain from the dentist come down here. JR loves lemon pie.

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  11. OMG, homemade lemon pie AND macaroons! And a dentist with super cool toys! What more could you want in life dude??

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  12. Oh, dear. I really really hate dental stories and dental visits, but I braved through hoping for some payoff.... and I got it. I just hope you were able to keep from drooling out that lemon pie.

    Ellie

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  13. Where are the cavity pictures? I want to see the cool grossness!

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  14. MAN that dentist sounds kick ass, in the next month, i have root canal and wisdom teeth are gettin pulled... YIKES

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  15. I want a laser. And some lemon pie. Mmmmmmm good!

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  16. Oh man, I feel your pain. I had to get every. single. one. of my old silver fillings taken out since they all started to break down and essentially rot away in my mouth. Which is totally nasty. The dentist also had the pleasure of showing me the grossness and it was like a cess pool in my mouth. Ew! I spent about a year in and out of the dentist chair but now I have a set of pretty white porcelain fillings.
    Enjoy your yummies. Payback for all that dental work.

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  17. did you say lemon pie? screw the diabetes, i'll be there in about 8 hours.

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  18. I'd go to the dentist if someone would make me some pie.
    Come to think of it, I'd do most anything for pie.
    Pie, pie, me oh my...

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  19. I gained 20 pounds reading this post. It was totally worth it.

    Hope the tooth feels better now.

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  20. My dentist is an amazingly hot bunny. I win.

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  21. Major Yin to for your Yang. Send your blog to your dentist and he will either weep or cheer, because he WILL see you again.

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  22. My dentist is old school so no TV in the ceiling or laser, BUT my daughter works there so I usually don't get billed.

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  23. bring a pie when you come out next weekend or your not getting in the door..............seriously

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  24. Clearly I need to be going to your dentist. Mine doesn't have any of that cool stuff!

    I like that your coming home from the dentist meal was macarons and lemon pie.

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  25. I've never had any cavities.

    before you shoot me, or remove me from your google reader, I HAVE had DEEP GUM CLEANINGS.

    that's enough to keep me flossing all night long.

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  26. I love all the technological advances in dentistry. They make visits so much more bearable. Send some macarons my way, pleeeese!!!

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  27. Oh sweet Jesus, why are you doing this to me? I LOVE madeleines. And when I say I love them, I mean I LOOOOOVVVEEEEE them. And a bag full of sweet madeleine goodness from France, staring at me from your blog pisses me and my pregnant hormones off. Because why won't someone bring me some delicious, indiviually wrapped madeleines from France? Dammit.

    That pie looks pretty good, too.

    P.S. I had all my silver fillings replaced with tooth colored fillings several years ago. That was not fun. No lasers and no TV in the ceiling.

    P.P.S. Papa, I have refused those deep gum cleanings every time the dentist tries to talk me into them. I'd rather have gingivitis.

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  28. I just watched LOTR... again. Cuz I'm a dork like that!

    What's up with you putting those delicious things on your blog? Don't you know that I'm HUNGRY over here! I never remember to eat.

    Now off to do laundry! Why do I have a headache? Oh, maybe I should eat lunch first!

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  29. I SO do not need to see a picture of whatever my dentist is doing to me up on the big screen, all close and personal. The less I know about what he's doing, the better, as far as I'm concerned!

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  30. You lucky bastard. My dentist doesn't have all the techy gadgetry. He does, however, share my love for crude humor. Last time I was in there he told me a joke, I don't remember what it was, but the punchline was 'camel toe'. Yep, that's why I keep going back.

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  31. Your dentist made you look at the computer screens to SEE your cavity and then you got to watch him drill it? Oh boy, lucky you. But your dentist seems to have all the latest and greatest, especially the laser. BTW, I can't watch the TV in my dentist's office; the sweat (mine) keeps dripping in my eye.
    Now where is that lemon pie? My taste buds are drooling . . .

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  32. You actually drooled out your keyboard?

    Really?

    Welcome to the club my friend. We should make and wear badges.

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  33. Dude I don't know how many times I have stared the old "rampant Chinese industrialization is terrible" speech only to find out that there is some kind hideous ramification for my inattention to the topic at hand.

    I blame society.

    My dentist also had that high-tech pic thing - turns out - teeth totally gross me out. WHY the hell would anyone want to be a dentist?!?! EWWWEEE!

    Plus, what is up with that funky f'in needle?

    PS my dentist told me my fillings (silver mind you) "expired" back in 2002. F-U Dentist.

    he's chinese!

    It all comes full circle.

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  34. I'm all for technology, but my dentist can leave the closeup camera turned off when I'm there. I don't need those types of scare tactics keeping me away from my mochas. Just tell me it needs to be done, and do it. Insurance covers it anyway.

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  35. I need a cold shower after reading about those cookies. Damn!

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  36. I need a root canal fix up. A POX ON THIS.

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  37. Stabbed??? Oh please, you patients are so dramatic. Sheeeesh.

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  38. When Horatio Caine puts on his sunglasses. You're screwed!

    http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/2008/12/csi-miami.html

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  39. No wonder you have cavities! Anything made with butter is better! You are so lucky to have SL. My old BAC doesn't make me cool sweets like that. Lucky.

    And yes they let me into your country and want me to come back again. In fact, they begged me to stay and meet the queen to teach her how to speak with my cool American accent so Canadians everywhere will stop making fun of it. And no, I don't own a gun, for the love of Pete!

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  40. All I want is a dentist with frickn' laser beams.

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  41. Excuses, excuses.

    My dentist has a tv screen at the ceiling as well, but all he shows on it are close-ups of my mouth. Not so interesting.

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  42. I kind of wish there had been a giant flaming eye.

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  43. I would kill for that lemon pie right about now.

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  44. Cavities compared to Mordor is quite the mental image. I hate the dentist.

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  45. i think i was reading a super funny post about the dentist and then I saw that pie and lost it all.

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  46. screw the denist and screw my diet we have to eat those fresh goodies.
    lol no no that is not true
    feel the force and use your will power for the good of ourselves.

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  47. ohhh, seeing my cavities up close and personal would be enough to have me never walk into a dentist's office again. yuuuuuuck!

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  48. Did you really say "sighed a little breath of sugary buttery love"? Ooh, that's food porn for sure. Food porn, and all I have to eat is a stale oreo.

    You bastid...

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  49. Oh my ... I haven't had a cavity since I was about 10 years old. Yup that's right ... 26 cavity free years. As a matter of fact, I didn't go to the dentist for a year and a half once, and the dentist asked me why I was coming back so soon, as my teeth were super duper healthy!

    It could have something to do with the fact that I don't eat sweets though, ever.

    Sorry for your cavity, and drool inducing freezage, that shite is craptastically annoying! (or so I've heard)

    I have two suggestions, baking soda and toothpaste! He he he ... don't hit me!

    *runs away fast*

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  50. Hmmm....I might be willing to do some kind of 'you send me, I send you' trade off here in desperate times! As those madeleines & macarons line the shelves of the grocery store five minutes down the road from us....and I imagine some of our weaknesses (my man counts Pop-Tarts as one of the food groups and I think he'd lose his French Carte de Residente if the gov't found out!) line your store's shelves.....

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Come on, sailor. I love you long time.