Thursday, January 15, 2009


*I thought Lost was new so I posted a picture and explained why I wasn't posting anything else. Then it turned out Lost doesn't start until next week and my easy-out post wasn't going to work. Then this fell out.

The office is empty except for the two men sitting at a large table in the centre of the floor. They are surrounded by a rats maze of cubicles, darkened now in the middle of the night. The floor to ceiling windows that enclose the floor offer a panoramic view of a large city that could be anywhere. The table the two men are seated around is strewn with paper, empty coffee cups, Sharpies of all colours and weapons. Two assault rifles and an assortment of hand guns lie atop everything else. One of the rifles has been stripped down and the taller of the two men sits meticulously cleaning its firing mechanism. The other stares vacantly out the distant window with arms crossed. The coat of his pinstriped business suit is hung over the back of his chair, specks of blood pepper one shoulder.

"Any idea how long we've been sitting like this?"
"I don't know, but my god damned fingers hurt from cleaning this freakin' gun."
"When is he going to start writing again?"
"Is he going to start writing again?"
"Look around, this feels like more of an outline, an outline he may have forgotten about."
"Jesus Christ! Forgotten!? "
"How long have we been here? A day? A week? I have no idea, do you?"
"No. I don't even... do you know what your name is?"
"No. Great, I don't even have a name. What about you?"
"No. Do you really think he could have forgotten us?"

"So what do you think our story is? Are we good guys or bad guys?"
"Dunno. Don't feel particularly bad. Although if I was bad, would I feel it?"
"I guess not. Still, this is a weird set up. I mean, what the hell are we in this office for? I don't think we're cops. At least I don't think I am. No badge."
"My hand is killing me."
"What happens when this office fills up tomorrow?"
"Maybe it won't."
"He's put us in an office building at night and possibly forgotten about us. If he has then why would it turn to day?"
"This is ridiculous. How long are we supposed to wait here? Change of clothes would be nice, I've got blood all over my damn shirt."
"It's a nice suit."
"Thanks. It is, isn't it?"
"This might sound crazy, but what am I wearing? My visions seems to get fuzzy every time I try and look at myself."
"It's not your vision. Aside from your hands you're pretty blurry. I've been trying not to look at you 'cause it's makin' me queasy."
"Oh, fuck this! He didn't even fill me out!? I'm not cleaning this damn gun anymore! HEY! HEY! WAKE UP, ASSHOLE! WRITE ME SOME FREAKIN' CLOTHES!"
"How did you do that?"
"What? Do what?"
"You stopped cleaning the gun."
"You stopped cleaning the gun..."
"Damn right I did, my fuckin' hand is on fire!"
"Dude. You stopped. Listen to me. You stopped..."
"I stopped..."
"How did you do it? You've been trapped cleaning that thing forever."
"I... I don't know. I guess... I guess I just finally had enough."
"I can see your face now too."
"Son of a bitch..."
"I'm getting out of this chair...."
"What's happening?"
"I don't know. Hold on..."
"Jesus! You've got clothes! How did you do that?"
"I just thought it and it happened. How is this possible?"
"We broke out of our paragraph."
"What the fuck does that even mean?"
"I haven't got a clue, but I just realized I really need a drink and I think there's a flask inside my pocket..."
"Fuck me..."
*cough* "Oh ya. Here."

"Any idea where we are?"
"Couldn't tell ya, we're in North America though."
"Not Canada? He's Canadian."
"No. It doesn't... I don't know, I doesn't feel like Canada, you know? It's got the look of an American city."
"Wonder what he was planning? Kinda' looks like LA, though."
"How do we know he's Canadian?"
"Do you kinda' just... know stuff?"
"Ya. His stuff."
"So we know what he knows then."
"Looks that way."
"This is so bizarre."
"It's kinda' like that movie Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead."
"That was a great movie."
"It was. Well, I guess we never saw it."
"Thing is, they were just characters brought in expressly to serve one purpose, they couldn't avoid their fate because it was already written."
"I wonder how much we can actually do in here? Do we have any limitations? Can we leave?"
"I can see the streets below now.There wasn't anything there before, but now... it looks a little off though."
"I think it's because he's never actually been here. We're making it from what he knows, but all he knows is what he's seen in movies and TV and pictures."
"So I guess we do have certain limits then."
"What about his imagination though? I mean, dragons aren't real, but if I-"
"Oh dear God..."
"That.. I... I just..."
"You have to stop that."
"Good God, that's a dragon. It's actually a dragon."
"You have to get rid of it. Make it go away! Make it go away now!"
"It's enormous..."
"Look! That whole building is on fire! GET RID OF IT!"
"Sorry, sorry!"
"It's coming this-"
"It's gone! It's gone! It's ok, it's gone!"
"Do not do that again, do you hear me?"
"No. No more of that. I think I need another drink."

*Ok, so I'm just whinging this as I go, but it's past mid-night now and my five year old can't walk himself to school so I have to stop for the night.


  1. Delurking to say:

    You. Are. Genius.

  2. Genius? Don't be ridiculous, he's Canadian.

    He's freakin' insane.

    Either way it works...

  3. It's alive, and its writing itself..

  4. That was some seriously trippy writing. I might have to go re-read.

  5. LOVE THIS. (Capitol letters don't do it justice!)

  6. Oh man!! You are so great! I could only dream of being that creative.

  7. Cool. I like it. Want some more.

    And I gave you an award so come get it. You're welcome.

  8. I was in the middle of reading something! What do you mean he can't walk himself to school?! That is ridiculous! GAH.

  9. WHat if you gave THEM pieces of paper and pens?

  10. I give you permission to use my trademark closing "And then suddenly everybody involved was destroyed by rampaging Giant Atomic Chickens™", with the understanding that whenever you do, you will owe me a dollar (or in Canadian metric terms, a looney or maybe a kilo).

  11. Wooooooooo - that's scary great stuff. Now I'm intrigued, especially about the sharpies...did they draw themselves?

  12. I crawl on my knees toward you sitting at your throne...

    I bow at your feet and say,

    'Oh, Captain. My, Captain. You are the Master.'

    Brilliant. Truly, brilliant.

    I am humbled and second Kate's comment:

    You. Are. Genius.

  13. You're funny when you're sleep deprived. Funny for a Canadian, at least.

  14. I love it. It's like the never ending story, except for adults.

  15. you and your "inner friends"
    should have called me, I was
    up from midnight on binge eating
    garbage food and hot chocolate
    laced with Baileys. Maybe i
    could have comforted your friends
    that you were a good guy (little
    freaky) but good.
    Love your writing, glad to hear
    that your friends(captives)are
    Canadian. Nice to torment
    creatures from your own country.
    Ps you should have let them know the Dragon wasn't real!

  16. I was waiting/hoping/praying that he would then think of the Stay-Puffed Marshmallow Man... This was freaking brilliant. You rock, Sir.

  17. That was much better than a picture and explanation of not posting. Thanks!

  18. I really like the fact that they are talking about you as the person who created them and they have your memories. Waiting for more!

  19. That Stephen King novel where the character comes to live and starts killing everyone is coming to mind.

    Just sayin'.

  20. Sometimes I hear voices like that too. I hear there's medication for it. :)
    Very cool! More, please.

  21. Duuuuuuude... awesome.

  22. I know what happened! It's the whole pen is mightier than the automatic weapon thing. They picked up the sharpies and started writing shit themselves! Right? What did I win? This was a contest to figure out the story right?

  23. "Thing is, they were just characters brought in expressly to serve one purpose, they couldn't avoid their fate because it was already written."


  24. Hey, how are you doing? Hope all is well.

  25. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead WAS a great movie.

    Along with Breakin'2 - Electric Boogaloo.

    That was really fucking good, brother.

    Now. Quit hogging all the snow and take back this arctic temperature.

  26. BWahahahahaha! Those sound like the voices in my Rice Crispies.

    Oh, and "Lois" the big LOST freak that she is did the same thing... got wine, snacks, put kids into their bed restraints, flipped on the tellie...ya.

  27. I'm down with Dragons.

    Not so much Puff because he dabbles in perfumes and stuff but a good red dragon or even a hydra's pretty tight.

    don't even get me started on medusa's.

  28. What the? I must commend you for your story. I must mock you for not knowing that Lost was a re-run. Finally! A television program we both watch! I used to have the hots for Keamy. He died.

  29. Great story! Keep writing!

  30. did I ever tell you your a freak......

  31. Awesome. Just don't get in between you and a computer keyboard. That is all.

  32. You are a total freak but I want to read chapter 2 tomorrow!!

  33. You are a total freak but I want to read chapter 2 tomorrow!!

  34. I would never have guessed that the characters wrote the story themselves. I guess that's what has to happen when author's get writers block and the characters get frustrated. Kind of like computers taking over the world!

  35. Dude, even at midnight you are a wonder!!!

    Can I bow down to you now or should I come back later?

  36. That was really great.

    That reminded me so much of a short story by Woody Allen called The Kugelmass Episode.

    I'm sure you would enjoy it.

  37. I was bummed LOST wasn't new yet either...but only a few more days!!

    And I did watch the enhanced season finale. And was left with questions.

    Why do Jack and the others have to return to the island? Why does Locke's dead body have to go too?

    Why can't Ben return to the island, for real?

    What bad things happened on the island after they left and why are they Jack's fault?

  38. I am SO going to break out of my paragraph...

  39. Am totally horrified and fascinated by this idea. The men in the basement decide to bust out. Freaky!


Come on, sailor. I love you long time.