Thursday, January 1, 2009

Spinning A Resolute Resolution or What's With The Dead Clown?

I was jarred out of a perfectly good hangover this morning when I tried to spoon a cold and bloody chainsaw that was lying between my wife and I. "What the hell is this doing in our bed?" I demanded. Wife bolted upright, grabbed one of my bloody hands and jammed it violently into my face. Then she held up both her clean ones. "If you wake the kids up I promise you a very very long 2009," she threatened with a glare. With that she lay back down and pulled the blankets over her head.

Not wanting any more of that I grabbed the chainsaw and stumbled downstairs to make some coffee. For some reason the front door was wide open. Since I didn't remember coming home, let alone shutting the door, I went outside to check things out. Besides, I had to hose the chainsaw down, I didn't want to scratch the enamel in the bathtub and catch even more hell. Then I almost broke my damn ankle tripping over what turned out to be a half pound bag of peyote. Well, that would explain the weird dreams last night. So there I am, standing half naked in my driveway carrying a blood splattered Husqvarna with my foot in a bag of drugs when I notice my neighbour staring in horror at a dead clown slumped over the steering wheel of a golf car that's parked behind my mini-van.

I don't know what to say. If I have any resolutions this year it's to smarten up. I've got kids now. I've got a wife and a house. If I can't at least dispose of the body before I get home, what kind of example am I passing on to my children? Who killed the clown? No freakin idea. Don't care. The point is, I don't want to be 'that dad.' Know what I mean? So this year, it's all about being a better father.

Happy New Year, everybody.

Thanks Grant for the inspiration for today's post and the lovely holiday sentiments that came with the eCard. And Jennifer, here's my Spin for the Cycle.

I don't know what's up with the prose lately, I'm sure it's just a phase.


  1. so you won't answer my requests for
    weird dreams, but you'll put your
    weird ones out to others. I've
    told you again and again, you must clean up any blood and guts that
    are part of your dream.
    Remember deep disturbed sleep is
    no excuse for slovenliness.

  2. hey wait, i was FIRST, and at 12
    midnight as well.
    Yeahh good start to a new Year
    Have New Year to Cpt Dumbass,
    Supreme Leader and all the little

  3. Hey, I'm third!

    Happy New Year's Dumbass!

    I have a feeling that you're going to be "that" dad no matter what!


  4. Very funny Cap'n. Have a good year in '09


  5. I think you should be proud of the fact that you chose such a good quality chainsaw for the disposal of the clown. Accentuate the positive.

  6. Husqvarna: The First Choice of Psychopaths around the globe!

    Hey, by chance have you been reading "The Teachings of Don Juan: A Yaqui Way of Knowledge", ( or indulging in repeated viewings of 'Altered States' (

    Gotta learn to channel that energy, bro! And a clown? Are you DELIBERATELY trying set a bad example? I trusted you, man...

    (happy new year)

  7. LOL I love it.
    Sounds like you partied just a lil too hard. Next time put the dead clown in the lake with the large dam. There tends to be large (really large) fish that live there and love to eat colorful items. If you use some oil on that chainsaw before you go after those who take away party time (i am sure that is the reason the clown is dead) then the blood washes off easier and no rust.
    And never ever ever wake the wife when she gets a chance to sleep in.
    Have a wonderful 2009.
    I am declaring it the year of the blogger.
    And I came to visit via Rhea at Texas Word Tangle
    Come enter my 100 things give away!

  8. Dude, you let your wife sleep in?? You rule.
    Happy New Year to all!

  9. Happy New Year, Captain. Need any help cleaning up that clown? Also, where'd you get the golf cart?

  10. Dude. Whoah. I mean, WHOAH. Oh, yeah. Linked.

  11. Agh, peyote, power tools, clowns... Who new I'd regret those college days so much when I finally had children. It's hell trying to plan a birthday party when you're on the "Do Not Clown" list with the local union. Happy new year and thanks for reviving those long lost memories.

  12. Happy New Year, Captain, oh Captain.


  13. Oh Captain, My Captain. ...Smarten up, hmmm. Me too my brother. Me too. Here's to a better year. And to being better. Thanks.

  14. Now pass the peyote....You washed your feet, right?

  15. At least you posted this morning. That's more than I've done.

  16. So the neighbor hadn't seen this kind of thing before. You must be getting a little less tidy as the years go by.

    Happy New Year to you, SL and the boys.

  17. I kinda like this 'phase'. ;)

    and, I agree, always dispose of bodies in the appropriate receptacle before returning home.

  18. Dude - you had a dead clown? I am so jealous!!! All I had were snotty nosed kids and spilled soda!!! Ugh!!!


  19. Oh, and to add - you are already a great dad - a bit off - but great!!!

  20. Woah. That was wholly, wholly, wholly awe-inspiring. You amaze me.
    & guess what today is? 2009, the year I begin posting about my mundane life and the insane people I live in the midst of.

    Merry 2009!

  21. That is so weird, because I totally woke up with a chainsaw in my bed this morning! And I wasn't even drinking last night! Should I be concerned that my girly parts are a little...chaffed? That the smell of sawdust is mysteriously arousing now?

    Happy NY!

  22. Well, you're already doing a great job if you only stepped in the peyote. Fairly certain my prose would have included something about smoking it. Sigh. I need to work on my resolutions already and it's only a few hours into the New Year. :)
    Happy New Year, Captain!

  23. Clowns. Who needs 'em anyway?

    Happy New Year, great one.

  24. All evil clowns must die. I'd wish you a happy New Year, but it sounds like you're already off to the best start possible. :-)

  25. Those clowns... they all have it coming. Creepy bastards.

    Every. Last. One.

    Happy New Year!

  26. hopefully you disposed of both the body AND the peyote in a fiscally and earth friendly manner.......hey i wonder what would happen if you cremated a clown and burned the peyote at the same time???

  27. happy new year!

    and please, for the love of God, no more bloody clown stories. i don't know if i'll sleep tonight.

  28. One less clown in the world = good start to the new year

    Happy New Year!!

  29. Clowns freak me out. You can just keep eliminating them from the world if you want ...!

  30. Happy New Year! The only thing scarier than a dead clown is a dead clown trainer.

    Glad you had a good New Year's Eve!

  31. Happy New Year!
    I hate when I find a dead clown in my drive way. It always ruins my day.

  32. Dude, you have VERY active imagination, or at least that is what I am sure your Kindergarten teacher told your mom.

  33. fantastic
    where have i heard this story before
    that was the sombrero riding a golf cart
    different story
    never mind
    carry on...

  34. I tried that threat, and I STILL had to get up with the toddler. Sigh. I am clearly threatening him with the wrong kind of chainsaw.

  35. A chainsaw? Bloody Hands? Come on, you can do better than THAT.

    :-) xoxox

  36. I like that resolution, to be a better dad. I think I'll steal it except without the man junk.
    Do you watch Breaking Bad? If so, there's an episode that will totally help you get rid of that clown and any evidence that he ever existed...

  37. Oh yeah, and Happy New Year! How rude of me to forget.

  38. Happy New Year!!
    Clowns are scary. I'm sure he had it coming.

  39. you're freaking me out, dude.
    Happy New Year!

  40. You Da man for letting SL sleep in AND making coffee.

  41. Woo hoo! Dead clowns make me all warm and fuzzy! Mostly because I am terrified of the creepy bastards...

  42. Chainsaws, clowns and drugs...why does this feel familiar? Hummm, must have been those early college years. Happy New Year!!! I will have some most sexellent pictures up soon! I am looking forward to remembering what I did through pictures!

  43. The only thing better than killing a clown is killing a mime.

  44. So this must be why yer called Captain DumbAss.?

    Happy New Year, keep up the um,...whatever it is you do!

  45. Are you sure it wasn't your wife dressed as a clown? Captain HomicideAss says you have some splainin' to do. And he'll take that peyote off your hands too -- needs to be locked up in evidence, dontcha know.

    Happy New Year!

  46. I just wanted to say something in your comment field so you would 50 comments. That's almost everyone of your followers, dude. Awesome!
    Kinda bloody though!

  47. That's why its always best to kill perfect strangers and dump the bodies in random front yards on holidays. Why not? It's all in good fun.

    Who would miss a clown after all? Not I.


    A chainsaw for Christmas, ye gods -- you must be loved.


  48. Ok for you -

    Drugs are bad! MMMMK?

  49. Ummm... well I was gonna follow you but now I'm a bit scared of

    Happy New Year dude! I bet you're a great dad.


  50. Clowns are scary. So is this story. I know someone that can help you get rid of the body. Just sayin'.

  51. Banana Bread
    1/2 c butter
    2 c sugar
    3 eggs
    2 c flour
    1/2 tsp baking soda
    1/4 tsp salt
    2 tsp baking powder
    1 tsp vanilla
    3 ripe bananas
    1 c nuts (your choice or may omit)

    Cream butter and sugar. Add beaten eggs, then mashed banansas, soda salt, baking powder, vanilla and nuts (if your using them). Mix real well while adding flour. Put in greased loaf pan. Bake at 350 for around 30-35 minutes.

    We froze loaves for Christmas so thawed one. Slice thick slices and made banana bread french toast with them.

    Also Banana Pecan Syrup

    2 mashed bananas
    1 cup chopped pecans
    4 cups CHEAP syrup (LOL)

    mix in sauce pan and heat til bubbling. Serve warm for waffles, pancakes, french toast or over ice cream.

  52. good lord have mercy. You killed a clown.

  53. Oh are the best. You seriously crack me up. I wish I could be half this funny...and crazy.

    I'm glad I didn't do a New Year's Resolution post because seriously it would never have matched up to this....

    Learn to dispose of the body and soon....amateur

  54. Happy new Year Captain. Great post. I say, kill ALL clowns.


Come on, sailor. I love you long time.