Friday, August 15, 2008

Throne Speech, or State of the Union

Family and Friends update for the People's Republic of Us.

**You ever start writing something and forget about it and then run across it weeks later while looking for something else? No? Well goody for you, smart ass. I do it all the time. Anyway, this is one of those. The six weeks mentioned below has shrank to two.

The Republic has been experiencing some unexpected challenges in recent months. In the next six weeks the Republic will be losing half of it's tax base (my job) and shortly afterwards negotiations begin on debt restructuring with the World Bank (mortgage renewal). We have been granted a slight reprieve (one year's salary minus 25%) however we do not anticipate the World Bank negotiators being impressed by this nor do we believe the People's Supreme Council (Bernadette) will approve a short term secession of labour by half of our work force for the purpose of mental realignment (time off). Attempts at securing a new tax base (job) for the Republic are occurring but unofficially and mainly through back channels.

Infrastructure programs are proceeding though are slightly behind schedule due to unforeseen environmental conditions (if you wait long enough it will rain, but really, the sundeck needed to be washed off anyway after all the sanding and seriously, it's freakin hot out!). Long term projects have been put on hold due to labour shortages but we anticipate recommencement of work shortly (Ok, I'm lazy, alright? I freakin' hate painting and who puts wallpaper in a bathroom? It either falls off by itself or super glues itself to the wall. And by the way previous owners of my house, textured wallpaper? Seriously? No it's not red with black velvet, but does it matter? What is the point of this? Did people spend a lot of time caressing walls in the 70's? I was only a child but I don't recall that bit.)

The individual provinces that make up our great republic are healthy and doing well. The newer additions are strong and growing within forcasted expectations. We foresee acceptable and expected incidents of rebellion which will be handled through a combination of government approved education programs and joint policing/military intervention where needed. The Republic will be focusing on education programs in these provinces this year (kindergarten & pre-school) and will also begin instituting mandatory physical fitness programs (martial arts, gymnastics, swimming, whatever) as we believe the general populace will be less prone to rebellion if their free time is properly focused (and they will fall asleep quickly).

The founding member provinces are doing well. Both could use significant infrastructure improvements (beginning to resemble Vegas era Elvis), but are otherwise healthy. Mental improvements are ongoing.


  1. How exciting! Both kids in school :) I only dream of the day...

  2. Muy clever. I couldn't help but notice that there are no intentional pauses to accept applause. Also, that wallpaper sounds heavenly. Who am I to judge what went on in the 1970s? It's going to be a big school year. I will shed many tears when my oldest enters kindergarten. Onward and upward, or whatever the motto is up there.

  3. Freedom from THE MAN cuts both ways, does it not? Get to strippin'! Wallpaper, I mean.

  4. Dude, this post is why I ♥ you and your provinces.

  5. Kat: I'll let you know.
    Jen: Our House of Commons is much smaller than Congress so there's not enough room for lackeys. Although there is an enormous amount of space in my head...
    Oh, and... nothing. I was trying to think of a smart ass response to the 'whatever the motto is' remark but I've got nothing. I'm at work and it sucks out the creative part of my soul.
    MAW: I HATE WALLPAPER! Clothed or naked.
    Tracy: Thanks for the love, gf.

  6. Your extended family Countrymen
    (and women) are fully behind your
    Economy. Dollars have been paid
    to BCLC to ensure a few millions
    are availabe at a very attractive lending rate.
    PS there were walls covered in that
    red velet crap when you were little. You tried, even, at that
    tender age to change the face of
    the wall--with crayons and ink.

    pps did u ever consider a job as a writer or host like Glenn Beck or that Cdn. guy who goes after
    all the politians (we can't remember his name).

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Come on, sailor. I love you long time.