Random Star Wars: Episode 1

A few weeks back Mom in High Heels left a comment in a Random Tuesday post asking why I hadn't included anything Star Wars related and it gave me an idea. How about an entire Random Tuesday post dedicated to Star Wars?

I love photoshop.

Civil War era Vader portrait by Greg Peltz.

Words to live by. Along with 'WWHD?' or what would Han do? (Shoot Greedo and tip the barman, that's what he'd do.)

This guy? Nothing to do with Star Wars, but I haven't posted a picture of him in awhile. And he has caused a great disturbance in the Force.

Not random enough for you today? Then I'll leave you with Chewbacca riding a chipmunk while fighting Nazis.

Random that.


Then check out the Un-Mom for more.

Week 34: The Empire Strikes Back

Darth Vader: So, you have a brother on the way. Your feelings have now betrayed him, too. Obi-Wan was wise to hide him from me. Now his failure is complete. If you will not turn to the Dark Side... then perhaps he will...
Luke: NO!

(Ignore the phantom Obi-wan in the window with the camera.)

A Long Time Ago, In A Galaxy Far Far From Kosher

What if I could combine two of my favourite things in the world, Star Wars and bacon?

"The Bacon AT-AT stands 3 ft tall and is made with over 40 lbs of bacon. The body was made from foam, then the bacon was attached. This beast took 21 non-stop hours to build. If you've ever once thought to cook 40 lbs of bacon in your kitchen in one sitting, I can now personally advise against it."

I know, where do I go from here, right? How about Ewoks and Care Bears?

A few days ago Connor is in the bathroom peeing when his little brother decides to join him. Once Liam started Connor yells out, "Don't cross the streams!" My kids are that awesome.

Did you miss the reference? If so, maybe this tshirt from Think Geek will help.

Update: I am officially changing Supreme Leader's name to Darth Enabler. Her and her incubating Sith apprentice are slowing pushing me to the fatty side of the Force with their cravings for all that is delicious and good. I'm just trying to be supportive.

Can I ground my kids for eating all my Girl Guide cookies?

Finally, I saw this on kottke last weekend and damn near peed myself with glee. Maybe it's a guy thing.

"The centrifuge is a genuinely terrifying device. The lights dim when it is switched on. A strong wind is produced as the centrifuge induces a cyclone in the room. The smell of boiling insulation emanates from the overloaded 25 amp cables. If not perfectly adjusted and lubricated, it will shred the teeth off solid brass gears in under a second. Runs were conducted from the relative safety of the next room while peeking through a crack in the door."

*PS. (because my finally's are never final) My nephew Dakoda's birthday is on July the 4th, and this year my sister decided to take him down to the States so he could enjoy some fireworks. She needs to know where the best place in Seattle would be to watch them and ideally, find a hotel close by. Any Seattle-ites out there with a suggestion?


Bacon AT-AT, Ewoks,

RTT: He Was Made Of Snow But The Children Know...

Connor: Do you know what this is? (splashing through puddle)
Me: What?
Connor: Snowman blood! (cackles and splashes some more)
Me: .....

This is an interactive Nikon billboard from a subway station in Korea. Paparazzi jostle for position and when someone actually passes in front of it and trips its sensors, all the cameramen start taking pictures.


Why don't we get cool ads like that here?

While walking on the dike this weekend.

Liam: I'm going to sing poo poo pee pee Star Wars.
Me: Um... how do you do that?
Liam: Poo poo pee poo poo poo, pee pee peeeeee (imagine the Imperial March, or Darth Vader's music)

Just cause it looks good.


Designers Simon Pillard and Philippe Rosetti took an Ikea kitchen island and covered it with 20,000 pieces of Lego. I would spend more time in the kitchen if Supreme Leader would let me do this. Ah... More time that didn't involve feeding myself.



On the same Sunday afternoon walk on the dike when a flock of migrating snow geese took off en masse.

Connor: Don't let the geese poo in your hair, Mommy!
Liam: Your beautiful beautiful hair!

I think it was the volume the warning was given at that made it truly magical. In fact, I'm pretty sure I know what scared the geese in the first place.*

Head on over to the Un-Mom's or a goose might poo on your head.


*No mothers were pooed on during the writing of this post.

For The Boys...

...or the ladies, I don't judge. This is Carrie Fisher and her body double suntanning on the set of Return of the Jedi in 1982.


Please pass this along to any man you know, they'll appreciate it. And let them know they can click on the picture to make it bigger. They can thank me later.


Via Kottke


*We're under renovation here so things might be bouncing around for a bit.

"Do or do not, there is no try"

via kottke

A Long Time Ago In A Galaxy Far, Far Away....

Once upon a time there was a young (ahem) stormtrooper named Captain Dumbass who worked for an evil empire. The Captain hated his work, but it paid the bills and the benefits weren't half bad.


Type faster, damn you!


Then one day the boss of Captain Dumbass' boss, the evil Lord Palpatine came for a visit. "Vader, turns out all those mortgages we were handing out for candy and kisses are going to come back and bite us in the ass after all. I've decided to phase out your department and replace your employees with droids. This way, when the shit comes down I'll still look good for having saved the share holders a lot of money in salary and expenses."


"As you wish, my Lord. Er... sir, you appear to be a fish."
"Cut backs, Vader, get used to it. Aren't I pretty though?"
"Yes, my Lord. Um, about these droids, sir. Some of them appear to be missing parts."


"Irrelevant! They're cheap and they'll work for free."

Captain Dumbass, at first frightened by these changes, soon learned to embrace them once he discovered his many years of toiling for the Galactic Empire had provided him with a generous financial package. One that would provide him with a full year's salary, provided he did not find work within that year and incur the wrath of the tax man. Captain Dumbass decided that he had worked long and hard and deserved a well earned break.


So the Captain settled in to his new life as a Stay-At-Home-Trooper, trading in the day to day grind of Monday to Friday with the 24/7 grind of dealing with his own little Rebel Alliance (children). His years of soldiering had not prepared him for the titanic yet joyful struggle of being a stay at home parent, but eventually he got used to it. Then it was endless days of video games, playing outside and trips to the beach. His oldest son, being extremely shy and unsure about school, was able to have his dad walk him to kindergarten and pick him up everyday. Life was good.


Eventually though, the year ran its course and Captain Dumbass had to return to the Empire since his mortgage on the Death Star would not pay for itself. He suited up again (though his armour felt a little tighter than he'd remembered) and started looking for a new Star Destroyer in need of a willing stormtrooper.

Unfortunately, Captain Dumbass soon discovered that positions in the Empire weren't as easy to find as they once were.




The Captain had returned to a new and frightening world. He would not let it bring him down though. He quickly changed his armour and his attitude. He would roam the land like a lordless samurai of old, a ronin stormtrooper in search of a desperate village in need of aid. Employment was out there, he just had to hunt it down.



Too bad no one would pay him to play with Lego.

Random Tuesday: Ceci n'est pas une lune

Because Canada is a bi-lingual nation.


You'll either get that or you won't.



Holy Hannah Banana, Batman! Has it really been two weeks since I've done a Random Tuesday? No, has it? I'm not really sure. Whatever, let's roll.

My Mom got in a car accident this weekend. She was waiting to make a left and a lady in an SUV pulling a U-Haul rear ended her. After hitting Mom and pushing her car forward, the SUV pulled a hard right to keep out of oncoming traffic and messed up the car's front end as well. Just cause my Mom has that kind of luck. Oh, and On-Star, why did my Mom have to push the button and get ahold of you?


The lovely Miss Grace got this over the weekend. How cool is that? If I didn't already have my back done...


Stop squinting. It's from this.


Geeze louise, it's like I need Cole's notes.

When Supreme Leader left for work yesterday, Connor was upstairs. He blew her a kiss and told her, "a thousand hearts are coming out of my kiss." He's good. He's very good.

Ten songs iTunes played while writing this:

Oh, wait, there weren't any. GIVE ME BACK MY DATA, BACK UP DRIVE!!!

No, no, I'm good. Really. Go on over to Keely's. Enjoy the carnage.


PS. My Mom is fine. Sure it may take the kids awhile to get used to her bionic head, but they're young, they adapt well.

Random Tuesday: Sucka

Little hot out, ladies (or gents, we don't judge here)? Have a Daniel Craig popsicle.


Oh ya, it's Random Tuesday.



So how do super heroes like Superman and Batman get around facial recognition software? Damn you, Homeland Security.

Me: You know what would be a really nice present for daddy? If you and your brother didn't fight tomorrow.
Connor: No, we already got you a present.


My neighbour's wife just got back from a few weeks vacation in England. The day before she was due back their vacuum broke so they borrowed ours. After the neighbour's son brought it back, Liam goes tearing out of the house after him. When he stops Liam says, "remember, stay calm, don't panic." He is endless fun.

Supreme Leader (referring to my birthday lemon meringue pie): Don't be alarmed at the liquid at the bottom of the plate. Meringue weeps after a few days. Some sugars cause it to do that.
Me: Did you have to say 'weeps'? You know what weeps? Supperating wounds.
SL: *laughing* "Suppurating," you used a big word.
Me: *sigh*

From about 1992 to 2003 Supreme Leader and I went to a lot of movies. We saw everything that came out. And then children came. Since then we only get out to the occasional blockbuster. This past month though? It feels like we're dating again. We've also been renting too, so here's a brief run down with ratings.

Last Chance Harvey (video) - SUCKED! Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this because it's a chick flick. I like chick flicks. This movie just sucks.
Night at the Museum 2 - Great. If your kids like the first one, they'll like this. Connor's second movie in a theatre and he didn't cry or want to leave this time.
Star Trek - What can I say? They even killed a guy in a red jump suit. Production on the second movie is scheduled for 2011.
Body of Lies (video) - Meh. Not bad, but a little long. Seeing helicopter gunships take out a moving car on the big screen would have been cool.
Rock n' Rolla - I love British crime movies. Why limit yourself to one plot line when you can have 10 that will all mysteriously come together in the end?
Terminator: Salvation - As my wife said as we were leaving the theatre, "that was relentless." I came to see guns and things blowing up. I wasn't disappointed. Loud? Every time there was an explosion I checked myself for shrapnel.
Valkyrie - Not bad. Tom Cruise should keep the eye patch. He looks cooler with it.

Supreme Leader: Are you picking your nose and eating it?
Connor: I'm hungry.

All right, that's it. Nothing to see here, move along to Keely's for some real carnage.



PS. My sister threatened to kick my ass if I didn't link her birthday tribute. Sure, why not direct people to embarrassing photos of myself. Whatever, I was adorable.

Random Tuesday: Allergy Edition

My wife woke up Sunday morning telling me about a dream she had of being chased by an evil Betty White who was attempting demonic possession on her. Job stress?

Random Tuesday, it's a hurricane of crazy.



Because I love my son, I jumped in front of his allergy bus today. Its been running me over and over and over all day long. I'm snotty road kill. A snot martyr. Pounded by pollen.

Screw it, I'm posting a bunch of pictures.

I found this in a local newspaper last week while Supreme Leader and I were having breakfast. The picture was taken with my cell so its not the best quality but I don't think it takes anything away from the caption.



Breakfast of champions. Or Jedi. (via 1+infinity)



Portable picnic from Design Sponge.



A few weeks ago when swine flu jokes were still funny I took a Sharpie to a page in our home calendar and took a picture of it. Then I forgot about it.


Funny? Have I mentioned how well my 5 year old has picked up reading? Supreme Leader was very impressed to hear her first born work through that while she was making cookies. I think the phonetics helped.

I found a new website a couple weeks ago called Corkboard which is really helpful if you have short term memory issues like I do. "Corkboard helps you remember what you want. Whatever it is. Wherever you are." Basically, you get an email address you stick into your phone's memory and if you're out and see something and you don't want to forget about it, you send it to this page. Pictures, text, whatever. They even have something set up where you can send in the UPN or ISBN number of a product or book and the site will pull up info on it and send it to your page.

Finally, a quick message to Kat at 3 Bedroom Bungalow:



Ok, one last thing.



Ok, this was a train wreck. Head over to Keely's to see how it should be done. I'll stay here and get traded around Alergy Prison like a pretty boy on his first day in the yard.

Everybody's A Critic

On advice of my Privy Council I will not be posting today.



"We didn't tell you not to post, we said your idea sucked."

"WHO TOLD YOU YOU COULD TALK?!"

"Meow. Who's the diva today?"



"AAIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!"

Men Are From Mars, Women From Venus and Stormtroopers Are From A Galaxy Far Far Away

So today is the last day of the He Said/She Said roller derby. Once today's hacks, Ryan from Pacing the Panic Room and Ron from Clark Kent's Lunchbox are done with their drivel I think the voting starts. Head on over to The Wise (*Young*) Mommy's and check them out. Joking aside, today should be pretty good.

I wasn't planning on posting today but since I've linked to Petra's all week Ryan and Ron would probably cry if I didn't mention them too. Since I didn't have anything prepared I just stole something from another blog. It's mine though so it's all good. Anyway, (I use 'anyway' far too much, don't I?) I watch a lot of Star Wars with the boys and after watching Return of the Jedi a few thousand time I got to wondering, what happened afterwards?



Kel Al’leth rested his head back against the drop ship’s bulkhead vainly attempting to think about anything besides the screaming descent rockets and shuttering frame of the ship. He hated orbital drops with a passion. If his platoon had been dropping onto a normal planet they could just fly in, but they kept getting these damn worlds with giant gaseous atmospheres you couldn’t safely fly through. “Fuckin’ Rebels, ” he muttered. That was probably the reason they chose these planets though.

Al’Leth didn’t even know the name of the planet they were landing on. He briefly admonished himself thinking he should probably know the name of the planet he could well die on, but then a sudden plunge in altitude followed by an even louder response from the stabilizers shook him out of it. We’ll be lucky to even see the surface, he thought. He sat forward again. The ship’s vibrations were being amplified by his helmet resting against the wall. Just then one of the new recruits sitting across from him lost his lunch. Kel shook his head watching the trooper’s bile slide down the front of his white chest piece. Bet he wishes he took his helmet off.

This mission, less than half of Al’leth’s platoon were actual clones. The rest, like him, were recruits. Before he’d left his small planet on the Outer Rim he had grown up on stories of the Stormtroopers and their glorious victories. The truth was somewhat disappointing. These weren’t the Troopers of the late Republic or the early Empire, these were cheap knock-offs, products of the lowest bidder. The Rebels could have saved a lot of effort by just waiting. Bureaucracy would be the Empire’s downfall.

Al’Leth tried thinking of his home world again. Two more cycles and he could go home. Growing up he’d wanted nothing except to leave, now all he wanted to do was go back. The galaxy was a shit hole. He’d seen enough. Could he survive two more cycles? With the amount of action they were seeing he was beginning to wonder. Seemed like every morning he woke up his Star Destroyer was in another part of the galaxy trying to put down another uprising or trying to forcefully convince another world not to go over to the rebellion. At least they weren’t fighting their own. It had been awhile since the last coup attempt.

It had been four years since Skywalker had killed Lord Vader and the Emperor and there had been nothing but fighting since. Al’leth was glad he’d missed the bulk of the power struggle to fill their void. Eight different admirals and generals had claimed their right as successor so far. The Empire had even split into three factions at one point. Luckily he’d only been through the last two attempts. They seemed to be slowing down, order was slowly reestablishing itself. The Empire was losing ground every where, but it was still an empire.

*PS. Until a week ago, I've never read any Star Wars fiction so there may well be scores of books written about what happened after they blew up the last Death Star. Whatever, this was for fun.

May The Cheese Be With You

Stormtrooper 1: Not that I need an excuse, but what brought this on?
Stormtrooper 2: Guy starts waving his hand in my face and tellin' me I don't need to see his papers.
Stormtrooper 3: Ha ha ha! What? He thought he was a Jedi or something?


*Untitled will be back on Wednesday. Sorry but I've got a 'thing' in DC on Tuesday that I just can't get out of.

Santa Claus, Jedi Master

Liam, while I was lighting the fire: Daddy, does Santa get burnt when he comes down the chimney?

Me: No, hon, he, ah... has special powers that protect him from getting burnt.

Connor: Like a Jedi?

Me: EXACTLY!

Star Wars is better than Google or Wikipedia for explaining absolutely anything. Go ahead, try me.

*Picture: Liam didn't want me to sing Christmas carols while we waited in line for Santa. Everybody's a critic.

Entourage

"Rebel scum!"

"Imperialist lackeys!"

"You want some, it's right here!"

"Say the word, beeotch, say the word."



Me: Hey hey hey! Stand down, boys, all of you!

Rebel Scouts: Imperial Stormtroopers, sir, we've been holding them until you arrived.

Stormtroopers: Hold this, candy-ass!

Me: I said knock it off! That's an order! Listen, guys, I invited them in-

Rebels: What!? How could you? Wha-

Me: Hear me out, boys. I know this is a bit of a shock, but we're all going to be working together, ok? This is a big office, plenty of room for all of you. You guys have been doing great, but we need a little more help around here. I know they're technically the enemy, but I'm going to have to ask you to work with me on this. Ok?




Rebels: Yes, sir.

Me: Alright. Now how about you guys go check if my coffee is ready.

Scout: Captain? You know I'd never doubt your intentions, sir, but there were rumours last time, and now this? What are we supposed to think?

Me: I appreciate your candor, soldier, but you have to trust me to make the big decisions. Now, my coffee.



Stormtroopers: Thanks for bringing us in, sir.

Me: No problem. I've been looking for you guys for a long time now.

ST: We're here now, sorry you've had to put up with the little Rebel Barbies.

Me: They're not so bad once you get to know them, they're just lacking a little in the organizational skills. Things are getting busy around here. I'm going to be counting on you guys.



ST: We've got your back, sir, even though it's roughly the size of a Star Destroyer to us.

Me: I've got complete confidence in you. Now, things have been drifting this week with all the work around the house I've been doing. Your first thoughts?

ST: Well, first off, we noticed the angle of your pictures show your new calendar from Green Chair Press. You might want to give them a plug, sir.

Me: Done. Good catch. I love their stuff. And now I actually have an office to use them in.

ST: Second, about this book meme for Pope Heinous? We understand this was supposed to be up today.

Me: Ya... that's proving to be a lot bigger post than I had planned. I'm thinking of breaking the post down into smaller sections and then posting them every few days or once a week or something.

ST: Why don't we try the once a week angle. You still have a guest post due and we think it would be best to get working on that as soon as possible. You left your last guest post until the last moment, and honestly sir, it wasn't your best.

Me: You're right. I told Kat I'd give her a make up post for that one. Ok. Excellent first day, boys. I think this is going to work out well.


Me: Soldier?

ST Pilot: Sir, just wanted to let you know, you have any problems with another toy, a neighbour, house hold appliance or whatever, I'm your...well, small plastic figurine. I can make your problems disappear, sir. Clean or dirty. No questions asked.



Me: I think we're going to get along well.