RTT: He Was Made Of Snow But The Children Know...

Connor: Do you know what this is? (splashing through puddle)
Me: What?
Connor: Snowman blood! (cackles and splashes some more)
Me: .....

This is an interactive Nikon billboard from a subway station in Korea. Paparazzi jostle for position and when someone actually passes in front of it and trips its sensors, all the cameramen start taking pictures.


Why don't we get cool ads like that here?

While walking on the dike this weekend.

Liam: I'm going to sing poo poo pee pee Star Wars.
Me: Um... how do you do that?
Liam: Poo poo pee poo poo poo, pee pee peeeeee (imagine the Imperial March, or Darth Vader's music)

Just cause it looks good.


Designers Simon Pillard and Philippe Rosetti took an Ikea kitchen island and covered it with 20,000 pieces of Lego. I would spend more time in the kitchen if Supreme Leader would let me do this. Ah... More time that didn't involve feeding myself.



On the same Sunday afternoon walk on the dike when a flock of migrating snow geese took off en masse.

Connor: Don't let the geese poo in your hair, Mommy!
Liam: Your beautiful beautiful hair!

I think it was the volume the warning was given at that made it truly magical. In fact, I'm pretty sure I know what scared the geese in the first place.*

Head on over to the Un-Mom's or a goose might poo on your head.


*No mothers were pooed on during the writing of this post.

RTT: Christmas, Cialis and the Olympic Torch

Liam: Daddy, can we play Star Wars Christmas?
Me: *narrowed eyes* Um... sure.

Ever wonder how they get the Olympic flame from Greece to the host country?


Carefully. This is the flame, divided into six separate miner's lanterns, leaving Athens on October 30th for Canada.



Random Tuesday. Really, you shouldn't need an introduction anymore.

Last week this guy in Toronto brought a Lego gun to work he'd bought on-line. This is a picture of him taken from a concerned neighbour across the street from his office.


Police piece together fake Lego gun case, after armed takedown

Once the heavily armed Emergency Response Team figured out it wasn't real they had a good laugh about it.

The temperature has dropped to zero here and it's playing hell on my skin. I feel like I'm molting. I put moisturizer on my forehead and by the time I finish my nose my head feels like a dry lake bed again. My hands look like I've been mummified and dug up after a millenium or two.

This is the Olympic flame at the Canadian Forces Station in Alert, North West Territories. Alert is only 817 km or 508 miles from the North Pole and is the "northernmost permanently inhabited place in the world."* If Santa needs to borrow a cup of sugar, this is where he goes.


The photo was taken at night, but since it's dark 24/7 there from October until March it may as well have been taken at noon.

Can somebody tell me how I close comments on old posts? The endless links to Asian porn were all funny to begin with but now it's just getting old. Plus, now I've started getting ads for Cialis in French and I can't figure out if it's a good deal or not.

The Olympic flame travelled 26,000 km (16,155 miles) by land and 18,000 km (11,184 miles) by air on it's trip around the country. Fittingly, it was only delayed once in Churchill, Manitoba.


Don't pick up hitchhikers.

The drive-thru lane at Mcdonalds should come equipped with gas jets. If you take more than three minutes making your order your car should be set on fire. I don't care if the kids are screaming. I don't care if you just received an important phone call. I don't care what your excuse is. It's McDonald's and it's the drive-thru. Know what you want before you get there. Fuck making correct change, fuck what toy the kids want for their Happy Meal and fuck arguing your bill at the take out window. If my fries are cold by the time I get home I will hunt you down and eat your heart.

Merry Christmas.

Go see the Un-Mom's for more merriment.


*Wiki

Olympic torch photos courtesy of The Big Picture.

A Long Time Ago In A Galaxy Far, Far Away....

Once upon a time there was a young (ahem) stormtrooper named Captain Dumbass who worked for an evil empire. The Captain hated his work, but it paid the bills and the benefits weren't half bad.


Type faster, damn you!


Then one day the boss of Captain Dumbass' boss, the evil Lord Palpatine came for a visit. "Vader, turns out all those mortgages we were handing out for candy and kisses are going to come back and bite us in the ass after all. I've decided to phase out your department and replace your employees with droids. This way, when the shit comes down I'll still look good for having saved the share holders a lot of money in salary and expenses."


"As you wish, my Lord. Er... sir, you appear to be a fish."
"Cut backs, Vader, get used to it. Aren't I pretty though?"
"Yes, my Lord. Um, about these droids, sir. Some of them appear to be missing parts."


"Irrelevant! They're cheap and they'll work for free."

Captain Dumbass, at first frightened by these changes, soon learned to embrace them once he discovered his many years of toiling for the Galactic Empire had provided him with a generous financial package. One that would provide him with a full year's salary, provided he did not find work within that year and incur the wrath of the tax man. Captain Dumbass decided that he had worked long and hard and deserved a well earned break.


So the Captain settled in to his new life as a Stay-At-Home-Trooper, trading in the day to day grind of Monday to Friday with the 24/7 grind of dealing with his own little Rebel Alliance (children). His years of soldiering had not prepared him for the titanic yet joyful struggle of being a stay at home parent, but eventually he got used to it. Then it was endless days of video games, playing outside and trips to the beach. His oldest son, being extremely shy and unsure about school, was able to have his dad walk him to kindergarten and pick him up everyday. Life was good.


Eventually though, the year ran its course and Captain Dumbass had to return to the Empire since his mortgage on the Death Star would not pay for itself. He suited up again (though his armour felt a little tighter than he'd remembered) and started looking for a new Star Destroyer in need of a willing stormtrooper.

Unfortunately, Captain Dumbass soon discovered that positions in the Empire weren't as easy to find as they once were.




The Captain had returned to a new and frightening world. He would not let it bring him down though. He quickly changed his armour and his attitude. He would roam the land like a lordless samurai of old, a ronin stormtrooper in search of a desperate village in need of aid. Employment was out there, he just had to hunt it down.



Too bad no one would pay him to play with Lego.

Salty Dogs, The Auto Industry And Eating Til It Hurts

My week:
Remember Jaws? The first one. Remember the noise the whale made when Jaws ate it? The front end of my van was making that noise.



God, I love Quint. If I didn't love my header so much I'd have a picture of Quint up there and if you steal my idea I swear I'll find you and stab you in the eye with a harpoon and then disappear into the vastness that is my country and they'll never find me. Unless it's the Mounties because they always get their man and there are some really attractive constables out there so maybe that wouldn't be so bad and maybe they'd be pissed at that misogynistic saying and turn a blind eye if I were disguised in drag because, hey, I wouldn't be a 'man' anymore, would I? And 'turning a blind eye?' Does that saying piss blind people off?

Where was I? Oh ya, so Monday I have to drag the kids over to the in-laws and take the van in to exorcise whatever evil spirit has possessed my front end. (of the van, leave it alone)

Today (yesterday because I'm writing this last night)(writing a blog is like time travel sometimes) I had to bring the van into the auto body shop to have the entire right hand side of the car cut off but they assure me it will only take a few days to fix. Why don't they make cars out of Lego? The rental place gives me a PT Cruiser and hey Chrysler, nice design on the bench seat in the back, I don't feel like my kids are in danger at all because of your shitty design ideas. Can't imagine why you guys are going under.

Tomorrow (today), we're spending the day at the aquarium because Connor's class is going and Supreme Leader has the day off so we're taking Liam along for a day of family fun. I wonder if they have wi-fi?

Thursday... I don't think anything is happening Thursday. That can't be right.

Friday, BBQ'ing a small farm for Liam's fourth birthday.

Saturday, ten course Chinese banquet. The dinner is for a sister of a sister-in-law's baby's one month celebration. Got that? Whatever, it's just an excuse to eat. A lot.

Hmm. Writing it down it doesn't seem as bad as it did in my head. Lists are good.

May The Cheese Be With You

Stormtrooper 1: Not that I need an excuse, but what brought this on?
Stormtrooper 2: Guy starts waving his hand in my face and tellin' me I don't need to see his papers.
Stormtrooper 3: Ha ha ha! What? He thought he was a Jedi or something?


*Untitled will be back on Wednesday. Sorry but I've got a 'thing' in DC on Tuesday that I just can't get out of.

Entourage

"Rebel scum!"

"Imperialist lackeys!"

"You want some, it's right here!"

"Say the word, beeotch, say the word."



Me: Hey hey hey! Stand down, boys, all of you!

Rebel Scouts: Imperial Stormtroopers, sir, we've been holding them until you arrived.

Stormtroopers: Hold this, candy-ass!

Me: I said knock it off! That's an order! Listen, guys, I invited them in-

Rebels: What!? How could you? Wha-

Me: Hear me out, boys. I know this is a bit of a shock, but we're all going to be working together, ok? This is a big office, plenty of room for all of you. You guys have been doing great, but we need a little more help around here. I know they're technically the enemy, but I'm going to have to ask you to work with me on this. Ok?




Rebels: Yes, sir.

Me: Alright. Now how about you guys go check if my coffee is ready.

Scout: Captain? You know I'd never doubt your intentions, sir, but there were rumours last time, and now this? What are we supposed to think?

Me: I appreciate your candor, soldier, but you have to trust me to make the big decisions. Now, my coffee.



Stormtroopers: Thanks for bringing us in, sir.

Me: No problem. I've been looking for you guys for a long time now.

ST: We're here now, sorry you've had to put up with the little Rebel Barbies.

Me: They're not so bad once you get to know them, they're just lacking a little in the organizational skills. Things are getting busy around here. I'm going to be counting on you guys.



ST: We've got your back, sir, even though it's roughly the size of a Star Destroyer to us.

Me: I've got complete confidence in you. Now, things have been drifting this week with all the work around the house I've been doing. Your first thoughts?

ST: Well, first off, we noticed the angle of your pictures show your new calendar from Green Chair Press. You might want to give them a plug, sir.

Me: Done. Good catch. I love their stuff. And now I actually have an office to use them in.

ST: Second, about this book meme for Pope Heinous? We understand this was supposed to be up today.

Me: Ya... that's proving to be a lot bigger post than I had planned. I'm thinking of breaking the post down into smaller sections and then posting them every few days or once a week or something.

ST: Why don't we try the once a week angle. You still have a guest post due and we think it would be best to get working on that as soon as possible. You left your last guest post until the last moment, and honestly sir, it wasn't your best.

Me: You're right. I told Kat I'd give her a make up post for that one. Ok. Excellent first day, boys. I think this is going to work out well.


Me: Soldier?

ST Pilot: Sir, just wanted to let you know, you have any problems with another toy, a neighbour, house hold appliance or whatever, I'm your...well, small plastic figurine. I can make your problems disappear, sir. Clean or dirty. No questions asked.



Me: I think we're going to get along well.

Bullying Toys: Only You Can Stop It

Went out shopping with the boys yesterday. We took them to Toys R Us and told them they could each get a small Lego toy. Small. Connor immediately wanted a $70 helicopter and lost it when we said no. Liam grabbed the first small box he could find and was happy. Neither of them picked the Star Wars one I wanted them to get so I bought it for myself. Damn kids.



Rebel Scouts: So boys, what do we have here? An airplane mail man and... who are you supposed to be?

New guy: Name's Crystal Hawk, I'm from the Mars Mission.

Rebels: AHAHAHAHAHAH!!! Crystal Hawk? What kind of a dumb ass name is that? Good luck with the three year old, ahahahaha!


Crystal Hawk: Funny, last time I saw you bitches you were giving up Princess Leia to the Empire. You losers are as bad as those red shirt morons that always die in Star Trek.



Rebels: Not so funny now, mofo.



Me: Ok boys, this shit is not cool. Yes, you're my guys but you can't go pulling this stuff on the other toys. Now put him back together and get the hell off my cell phone.



Rebels: Sir, he said you really wanted Stormtroopers. Is that true?

Me: How about any more questions and I'll let the boys play with you. You want some of that?

Kellog's Lego Fun Snacks

I would love to know what sick bastard at Kellogs came up with this genius idea. I just spent the first three years of my sons life trying to get him not to eat blocks, and now you're telling him they taste like fucking strawberries. Thanks a lot assholes. Seriously, how in the hell did this ever get past their legal department. You can't tell me that this isn't a lawsuit just waiting to happen. I can only assume that their next product is fruit flavored thumbtacks.

via Penny Arcade

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