The Stark Grey Reality Of Monday

A man walks down the street
He say why am I soft in the middle now
Why am I soft in the middle
The rest of my life is so hard
- Paul Simon, You Can Call Me Al

I had two disheartening realizations this weekend. Well, I guess 'realization' implies that I wasn't aware of them in the first place, and that would be stretching the truth somewhat. The first would be that I am no longer a stay at home dad. As much as I loved being one, now I'm just unemployed. An unemployed, and apparently unemployable, dead beat dad living off my hard working pregnant wife. Ya, that's great for the ego. You know what else starts with the letter E? Emasculated!


The second lightbulb was painfully delivered not just mentally, but physically as well. Saturday morning was sunny and beautiful so I took the boys outside to play a little hockey. I was stuck using a stick made for somebody three feet tall, so by the time we were done the right side of my chest hurt like a bitch from leaning over so far. This is something I usually laugh off as I'm reaching for some more desert or making another excuse for not exercising, but my chest hurt for most of the day. Hurt in a 'f*ck me, am I having a heart attack?' kinda way. That wasn't so funny. Not so funny in a 'you're thirty-nine years old and you've got a new baby on the way in six months except you may just keel over and die before that happens if you don't get off your lazy ass and get some exercise you fat bastard' kinda way.


So that's my Monday. How was your weekend?

"We'll Let You Know..."

Dear Men,

I know we all have our own policies when it comes to noticing somebody hasn't done up his fly, but when you know a brother is about to go in for an interview, at least give him a nod.

Breezy

BOGO: Monday's Muse & Spin Cycle

Saturday night, while sitting in front of the computer and feeling about as creative as a 185 pound lichen, I stumbled upon a cool website called 10Q.


If you were too lazy to read the picture, the gist of it is you are emailed a question a day for ten days at the end of which the questions and answers are stored up until next year when they are emailed back to you. Cool right? Before you go getting all excited about this though, the whole idea is tied into Rosh Hashanah/Yom Kippur which is all done with tonight so it's too late to play. Seeing that I didn't have to be Jewish or serious in my answers, I was suddenly inspired and copied them all down.

Then I thought, hey, I haven't done Robin's Monday Muse in awhile. Then I thought, hey hey, I haven't done Jen's Spin Cycle in like, FOREVER! And their both Jewish! Robin's meme is all about things that inspire you and I was inspired by a website put together by people celebrating a holiday steeped in LOTS of tradition which, coincidentally, is what this week's Spin Cycle is about. I know, sometimes I amaze myself too. What? No, they're not my traditions, but so what? They're still traditions.

Anyway, then I looked at all the questions and decided ten was just way too many. So here are three.

1. Describe a significant experience that has happened in the past year. How did it affect you?

Well, losing my job was pretty significant. How did it effect me? I was unemployed. How does it continue to effect you? I'm still unemployed.

8. Is there something (a person, a cause, an idea) that you want to investigate more fully in 2010?

Crime. After years of slaving away for the Man and my unsucessful month of trying to find a new job I've decided I'd like to investigate crime as a way to support my family. I don't want to do anything really bad, but I like the way Nancy Botwin spends her days. She doesn't really do all that much aside from drinking iced lattes and driving around a lot. Plus, she's always dressed nicely. I think I could do that. Plus, it's highly unlikely that I'll ever become impregnated by a Mexican crime lord. Win win!

9. What is a fear that you have and how has it limited you? Think about how you could overcome it this year.

Zombies. Not so much the fear of them on their own because they're slow and fairly easy to kill as long as you don't let yourself be overwhelmed by large numbers. No, the fear is zombies and my family. Being constantly worried about them when we're out has kept us pretty close to home this year.

To overcome this fear I've decided to enroll the boys in martial arts and work with my wife so she is more comfortable around firearms and long bladed weapons. Not only will it help make me feel more comfortable, it's something we can do as a family.

A Long Time Ago In A Galaxy Far, Far Away....

Once upon a time there was a young (ahem) stormtrooper named Captain Dumbass who worked for an evil empire. The Captain hated his work, but it paid the bills and the benefits weren't half bad.


Type faster, damn you!


Then one day the boss of Captain Dumbass' boss, the evil Lord Palpatine came for a visit. "Vader, turns out all those mortgages we were handing out for candy and kisses are going to come back and bite us in the ass after all. I've decided to phase out your department and replace your employees with droids. This way, when the shit comes down I'll still look good for having saved the share holders a lot of money in salary and expenses."


"As you wish, my Lord. Er... sir, you appear to be a fish."
"Cut backs, Vader, get used to it. Aren't I pretty though?"
"Yes, my Lord. Um, about these droids, sir. Some of them appear to be missing parts."


"Irrelevant! They're cheap and they'll work for free."

Captain Dumbass, at first frightened by these changes, soon learned to embrace them once he discovered his many years of toiling for the Galactic Empire had provided him with a generous financial package. One that would provide him with a full year's salary, provided he did not find work within that year and incur the wrath of the tax man. Captain Dumbass decided that he had worked long and hard and deserved a well earned break.


So the Captain settled in to his new life as a Stay-At-Home-Trooper, trading in the day to day grind of Monday to Friday with the 24/7 grind of dealing with his own little Rebel Alliance (children). His years of soldiering had not prepared him for the titanic yet joyful struggle of being a stay at home parent, but eventually he got used to it. Then it was endless days of video games, playing outside and trips to the beach. His oldest son, being extremely shy and unsure about school, was able to have his dad walk him to kindergarten and pick him up everyday. Life was good.


Eventually though, the year ran its course and Captain Dumbass had to return to the Empire since his mortgage on the Death Star would not pay for itself. He suited up again (though his armour felt a little tighter than he'd remembered) and started looking for a new Star Destroyer in need of a willing stormtrooper.

Unfortunately, Captain Dumbass soon discovered that positions in the Empire weren't as easy to find as they once were.




The Captain had returned to a new and frightening world. He would not let it bring him down though. He quickly changed his armour and his attitude. He would roam the land like a lordless samurai of old, a ronin stormtrooper in search of a desperate village in need of aid. Employment was out there, he just had to hunt it down.



Too bad no one would pay him to play with Lego.

Emails From Home: Mr. Jiggles

Me: (Co-worker) wants to know if you like chunky men. I was talking about
sitting on the couch and getting fatter and fatter until my belly
starts pushing my shirt up.

Wife: You're not getting that fat. That was not a statement to make you feel better about your unintentionally planned weight gain. That was an edict from on high

Throne Speech, or State of the Union

Family and Friends update for the People's Republic of Us.

**You ever start writing something and forget about it and then run across it weeks later while looking for something else? No? Well goody for you, smart ass. I do it all the time. Anyway, this is one of those. The six weeks mentioned below has shrank to two.

The Republic has been experiencing some unexpected challenges in recent months. In the next six weeks the Republic will be losing half of it's tax base (my job) and shortly afterwards negotiations begin on debt restructuring with the World Bank (mortgage renewal). We have been granted a slight reprieve (one year's salary minus 25%) however we do not anticipate the World Bank negotiators being impressed by this nor do we believe the People's Supreme Council (Bernadette) will approve a short term secession of labour by half of our work force for the purpose of mental realignment (time off). Attempts at securing a new tax base (job) for the Republic are occurring but unofficially and mainly through back channels.

Infrastructure programs are proceeding though are slightly behind schedule due to unforeseen environmental conditions (if you wait long enough it will rain, but really, the sundeck needed to be washed off anyway after all the sanding and seriously, it's freakin hot out!). Long term projects have been put on hold due to labour shortages but we anticipate recommencement of work shortly (Ok, I'm lazy, alright? I freakin' hate painting and who puts wallpaper in a bathroom? It either falls off by itself or super glues itself to the wall. And by the way previous owners of my house, textured wallpaper? Seriously? No it's not red with black velvet, but does it matter? What is the point of this? Did people spend a lot of time caressing walls in the 70's? I was only a child but I don't recall that bit.)

The individual provinces that make up our great republic are healthy and doing well. The newer additions are strong and growing within forcasted expectations. We foresee acceptable and expected incidents of rebellion which will be handled through a combination of government approved education programs and joint policing/military intervention where needed. The Republic will be focusing on education programs in these provinces this year (kindergarten & pre-school) and will also begin instituting mandatory physical fitness programs (martial arts, gymnastics, swimming, whatever) as we believe the general populace will be less prone to rebellion if their free time is properly focused (and they will fall asleep quickly).

The founding member provinces are doing well. Both could use significant infrastructure improvements (beginning to resemble Vegas era Elvis), but are otherwise healthy. Mental improvements are ongoing.

Sadness

Suckers! I don't have speakers.

Gettin' The Axe

I'm still on holiday in the dreary rain, but at least I've got a break from my soon to be gone job. Here's a little cheer for my co-workers.



"Don't worry, you'll bounce back." "This is a great opportunity." "It's a business decision." Blah blah blah...

Thanks!

Endings

Saturday I finally finished my tattoo. Five sessions, twenty-three hours of work, twenty hours of driving back and forth to Seattle and who knows how long waiting at the border and it's finally done. Once it's healed for a few days I'll put up a picture.

In an ironic twist of fate, this week also marked the end of my job. Wednesday afternoon my department found out we've been "centralized" to Toronto. It's been a long week. At least last year when Bernadette's place closed down they knew it was coming. It still sucked, but they'd been talking about it for awhile. This was out of nowhere. Thank goodness I'm already in therapy! Speaking of, kudos to my therapist who decided we should do a little crisis management and actually role played me through telling Bern. I hate role playing, but it definitely helped dropping that bomb.

So ya, August 28th and my 13 (ha ha!) years at my company come to an end. Well, unless I find something else there, but positions at my level are scarce and the idea of dropping a level... we'll see. "At my level," sounds like I'm upper management or something and not just another slave at the oar. At least with thirteen years under my belt I've got a good package. Oh, so many many jokes in that last sentence...

Anyway, that was my week. If you know anybody who's hiring or you need any odd jobs done around the house, let me know. I've got some free time soon.