A Long Time Ago, In A Galaxy Far Far From Kosher

What if I could combine two of my favourite things in the world, Star Wars and bacon?

"The Bacon AT-AT stands 3 ft tall and is made with over 40 lbs of bacon. The body was made from foam, then the bacon was attached. This beast took 21 non-stop hours to build. If you've ever once thought to cook 40 lbs of bacon in your kitchen in one sitting, I can now personally advise against it."

I know, where do I go from here, right? How about Ewoks and Care Bears?

A few days ago Connor is in the bathroom peeing when his little brother decides to join him. Once Liam started Connor yells out, "Don't cross the streams!" My kids are that awesome.

Did you miss the reference? If so, maybe this tshirt from Think Geek will help.

Update: I am officially changing Supreme Leader's name to Darth Enabler. Her and her incubating Sith apprentice are slowing pushing me to the fatty side of the Force with their cravings for all that is delicious and good. I'm just trying to be supportive.

Can I ground my kids for eating all my Girl Guide cookies?

Finally, I saw this on kottke last weekend and damn near peed myself with glee. Maybe it's a guy thing.

"The centrifuge is a genuinely terrifying device. The lights dim when it is switched on. A strong wind is produced as the centrifuge induces a cyclone in the room. The smell of boiling insulation emanates from the overloaded 25 amp cables. If not perfectly adjusted and lubricated, it will shred the teeth off solid brass gears in under a second. Runs were conducted from the relative safety of the next room while peeking through a crack in the door."

*PS. (because my finally's are never final) My nephew Dakoda's birthday is on July the 4th, and this year my sister decided to take him down to the States so he could enjoy some fireworks. She needs to know where the best place in Seattle would be to watch them and ideally, find a hotel close by. Any Seattle-ites out there with a suggestion?


Bacon AT-AT, Ewoks,

RTT: We're Pilgrims In An Unholy Land*

We've got a new computer in the house and it's a PC. Our beloved octogenarian of an iMac got to the point where it was too painful to use for any length of time. On Christmas Day Supreme Leader's sisters brought over a new computer for us which was super wonderful of them. It's got all these extra buttons on the mouse though and I can't drag things anywhere. Still, it's pretty, fast and the bruises on my forehead from beating it agaist the desk are fading.



Random Tuesday, grab the button and vent. It's like cleansing but without all the gross stuff.

Wife: Are you shaking your head at me?
Me: No, I'm looking back and forth quickly.

For all those who delight in the heavenly cured porcine wonder that is bacon.


I've already for citizenship.

Most of the Christmas toys were taken upstairs yesterday where Connor promptly arrayed them into a vast army. The good guys are American and he's fighting the Revolutionary War. I tried to explain that we were kinda' on the other side in that one, but like most things I say, he just ignored me.

Something I never expected to be saying over Christmas: Put down the dead monkey and come here.

Something I never expected to hear from my six year old: You're not here for the sweets, honey, you've got a job to do.

Saw two movies over the holiday, Julie & Julia and Inglorious Bastards. Julie and Julia was pretty good, though I didn't think Julie and her husband Eric's fight was walk out worthy. Laughed my ass off when he told her something he did better not end up in her blog. Inglorious Bastards was good, but not for the faint of heart. I love that Quentin Tarantino will kill anyone in his films at anytime. I wish I had that power.

Was that out loud?

Oops.

Head over to Keely's, clean yourself out.


*Name the movie quote and win a warm little piece of my cold black heart.

Random Tuesday: T.U.E.S.D.A.Y.

It's Random Tuesday again. Let's not waste any time.

T is for Twitter. And Telus, my cell provider who has finally ended it's evil ways and allowed incoming tweets to my cell phone again so now when I'm out and I tweet something and you answer it and I don't respond you don't have to be all "Ooh, who thinks he's all that?" and snap your fingers back and forth in the air. Well I don't think that, but guess who won't be on my device update list now?

U for ubiquitous, cause don't you wish you could drop words like that into everyday conversation? Oh, you can? Well 'U' suck.

E is for... E is for... E? Ephemeral? Elephantitis? Eric Estrada? No. E rhymes with G and G is for garden and my garden is going to kick your garden's ass this year!



S is for Star Trek which RAWKED! Zachary Quinto may well have been cloned just to play Spock. And the guy who played Dr. McCoy? Worth the movie alone. And Uhura? She's... er, nice. S is also for 'seven,' as in the game seven that the Vancouver Canucks won't be playing in because they lost to Chicago last night. I will console myself with the fact that 20 of the Blackhawk's 27 players are Canadian so even if they win the Stanley Cup, it will still spend most of its time here. And a special thanks to Literal Dan for not rubbing my nose in it.

D rhymes with C which stands for cookie and that's good enough for me.

A for Adidas, my dope new shoes. My Nikes developed some serious structural integrity issues. I got them cheap though. I've got a friend who has a friend who found them after they fell out of a container that fell off a truck that left a factory in China that's nowhere near the Chinese factory that actually makes Nikes and has no affiliation with Nike whatsoever.

Y is for Y chromosome. Which I have.

O is not a letter in Tuesday, but there's an O in Oprah and is it just me or does anyone else find her magazine covers terrifying? Have you seen this months? "The world is like my little bubble. Make me happy little bubble or I'll destroy you."

And finally, B, the most important letter that isn't in any day of the week. B is for bacon. And bacon, according to Supreme Leader's new Bon Appétit summer party guide is,

"45% monounsaturated, the good for you fat that can help lower bad cholesterol levels. Better still, bacon's monounsaturated fat turns out to be oleic acid, the same fat found in olive oil. So that means that some could argue that bacon is about half as good for you as olive oil and about 100 times more delicious."

That, my friends, is gospel.

Go to Keely's and join the zombie plague.

Random Tuesday: Insert Thought Here

Random Tuesday! Let's go.



To all of you who started blogging thinking you could be the next Dooce but were then brutally crushed by the cold hearted reality of ad revenue and page hits, cheer up, MetroDad is in talks to have his blog turned into a network sitcom. There's still hope for you!

Bacon porn

I was upstairs painting the other day when I heard the crash of breaking glass from downstairs. There was an immediate silence that told me there were two little boys staring at each other desperately trying to come up with an excuse. I stood at the top of the stairs trying to carefully balance the risk of injury with the value of terror as a lesson. Then I couldn't keep my laughter in any longer so I went down to the kitchen to find that Liam had climbed up on the table to make an ass print in his Play-doh and knocked a bowl off the table. Meh, it was an ugly bowl.

If I didn't already use Visa I'd apply for one, just because Morgan Freeman told me too. Because he is Morgan Freeman.

In honour of Jen of Steenky Bee getting out of Witness Protection I gave her a wall and told her she could have whatever she wanted painted on it. She gave me a list of ideas and while "Canada, America's hat" was a real gut buster here north of the border, our astute panel of judge decided on this one.


After the picture the boys promptly burned it from the wall with their eyes.

What the hell happened to the Follow option on Blooger? Google Friends Network? This isn't (fuck)Facebook. I don't want to have to pinkie-swear to be BFF's for life to follow a blog, I want to click one button and be done with it.

Liam: Why is there no school today?
Mommy: Because the teachers need a day off to learn some new things. They're learning how to deal with emergencies like fires and earthquakes.
Me: Your temper.

That's all I got. Go over to the Un-Mom's and join in the carnage.

*That thing I said above about you still having hope of making it big with your blog? That wasn't true. But Mommy and Daddy love you, no matter what.

Knitting and Bacon

Hell Boy: Hey Captain.
Me: Hey Hell Boy.
HB: How's it going?
Me: Going. Did you want something?
HB: It's not what I want, amigo, it's what you want.
Me: And what do I want?
HB: Me! Don't be rollin' your eyes at me or you'll get the fist.
Me: You're made of wool. And I don't want you.
HB: It's the power behind the wool, buddy. And don't lie, I'm in your head.
Me: Whatever. Besides, you're not for sale anymore.
HB: HA! Bitch! I told you. So I'm not on the etsy site anymore, what about ebay?
Me: Ebay!
HB: Talk to your therapist about this buying compulsion?
Me: Funny. You're not on ebay either so I guess we're done.
HB: Oh well. How about St. Anthony?


Me: Huh? Oh my...
St. Anthony: That's right kid, the patron saint of bacon.
Me: Oh my...
SA: Protector of pigs, hermits, gravediggers and epileptics. You could put me on the dashboard since you can't find a hula girl.
Me: ...dashboard... but my wife...?
SA: Kid, you know how she feels about bacon.
Me: You're right. She loves bacon.
SA: Course I'm right, Dumbass! Who's the saint?
Me: It's actually 'Captain...
SA: Shut up and buy me!

Holiday Monday Breakfast

Wife: Are you doing anything?

Me: (spinning Liam around the kitchen & blowing raspberries in his neck) No.

Wife: Then cook the bacon.

Me: (pointing at the dials) What do I set this at?

Wife: Medium

Me: (opening freezer, looking but...)

Wife: It's in the fridge.

Me: (opening the fridge, looking but...)

Wife: It's in the door.

Me: It's about the way you said that...

Wife: Like you're an idiot?

PS. Do NOT fry bacon without a shirt on. Ribs and the little spot just below your armpit? Mad sensitive.

38 years of dumb, for your viewing pleasure.

Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!!!

Just finished a bacon and egger. Three different animal fats from three different animal. I've never done heroin before but that first bite must be similiar.

Bacon Chocolate Chip Cookies

Sweet Mother of all that's Holy and Pure!



Recipe from Never Bashful With Butter