To all of you who started blogging thinking you could be the next Dooce but were then brutally crushed by the cold hearted reality of ad revenue and page hits, cheer up, MetroDad is in talks to have his blog turned into a network sitcom. There's still hope for you!
Bacon porn
I was upstairs painting the other day when I heard the crash of breaking glass from downstairs. There was an immediate silence that told me there were two little boys staring at each other desperately trying to come up with an excuse. I stood at the top of the stairs trying to carefully balance the risk of injury with the value of terror as a lesson. Then I couldn't keep my laughter in any longer so I went down to the kitchen to find that Liam had climbed up on the table to make an ass print in his Play-doh and knocked a bowl off the table. Meh, it was an ugly bowl.
If I didn't already use Visa I'd apply for one, just because Morgan Freeman told me too. Because he is Morgan Freeman.
In honour of Jen of Steenky Bee getting out of Witness Protection I gave her a wall and told her she could have whatever she wanted painted on it. She gave me a list of ideas and while "Canada, America's hat" was a real gut buster here north of the border, our astute panel of judge decided on this one.
After the picture the boys promptly burned it from the wall with their eyes.
What the hell happened to the Follow option on Blooger? Google Friends Network? This isn't (fuck)Facebook. I don't want to have to pinkie-swear to be BFF's for life to follow a blog, I want to click one button and be done with it.
Liam: Why is there no school today?
Mommy: Because the teachers need a day off to learn some new things. They're learning how to deal with emergencies like fires and earthquakes.
Me: Your temper.
That's all I got. Go over to the Un-Mom's and join in the carnage.
*That thing I said above about you still having hope of making it big with your blog? That wasn't true. But Mommy and Daddy love you, no matter what.
Posts
What kind of man doesn't use VISA?
ReplyDeleteI love your answer for the no school.
ReplyDeleteAss print in play-doh! Your kids are creative.
Wait...y'mean, I haven't made it with my blog?
ReplyDeleteBugger.
Ass print in play-doh! I think your kids and my kids are destined to be best friends!
ReplyDeleteSunny beaches.
ReplyDeleteI thought I was gonna be a blogger rock star.
Dammit.
That's a huge amount of play-doh to be able to take on an ass print. It seems like it would be hard to get the poop germs out of play-doh if a bare ass were to be squished into it. Might want to throw that ball of doh away.
ReplyDeleteit is always important to weigh the damage done to the lesson learned. smart to wait a moment and let the "terror" set in. lol
ReplyDeleteI think that wall should have included a time qualifier...always? forever? There's always a loophole.
ReplyDeleteWas his ass a little bigger than he had anticipated????
ReplyDeleteHappens to me all the time. . .
Oh I'd be the next Dooce alright...I just can't convince my kids or husband to leave me the hell alone long enough so I can get the damn ball rolling.
ReplyDeleteAnd maybe I don't have the talent...eh.
I did try to take pics of my dog fighting with the neighbor's puppy but every damn picture had a dog asshole in it. Her's never do. What the hell, Dooce?!
The die is cast. You know Liam is destined to grow up to be one of those guys who hops up, butt naked on the copy machine.
ReplyDeletelol!!
ReplyDeleteass prints :) I can't stop laughing. My daughter thinks I'm nuts.
Dude.
ReplyDeleteIf I was alone, I'd have totally rubbed One out over that Bacon/Sausage/Cheese log.
Log.....hahahahaha.
I love when my kids do something wrong and I wait and all I can hear is the whispering of "Please dont tell Mom", or "I'm sorry I'll be your best friend. Here you can have the toy!" Ahh the joy of kids : )
ReplyDeleteI need a blood oath that you will read my blog until you die. Also, I may need you to kill a prostitute. Details to follow.
ReplyDeleteI wonder how much one could make from ads? Beer money is getting less and less these days...
ReplyDeleteO Captain my Captain, please tell me you dried the playdoh ass print sculpture and are going to paint it, wrap it in tissue paper and save it for when Liam is famous. Mega ebay bucks right there. But you'll have to wait until Liam is famous, because you'll never make it big. But I'll love you all the same.
ReplyDeleteThe follow thing on Blogger always screwed me up. Its cool and all, but I don't use blogger. So, no one care openly state their undying love for me!!
ReplyDeleteThe picture is priceless. You can hold it against them for the rest of their lives. As for making my blog into something bigger and better? Meh. I'd like to think that my page is more of a roadmap of what NOT to do with yer blog.
ReplyDeleteI more inclined to do whatever James Earl Jones instructs me to do in commercials, because he's the Dard Lord of the Sith and he can use telekinetic brain power and strangle my shizz with his mind.
ReplyDeleteBacon porn has just accidentally made me a vegan.
ReplyDeleteSomehow, Morgan Freeman makes me want to do a lot of things. He should branch out in the voice over business..
ReplyDeleteDear God I wish you would have given more warning about the bacon roll. It does not look appetizing.
ReplyDeleteWho's Dooce?
Fuck Facebook indeed. I only go on it 10 times a day. No more, out of principle.
ReplyDeleteMy people are in talks with Jerry whathisface as we speak. They want me.
ReplyDeleteIf you haven't gotten any yet, I highly suggest 'moon sand'. It makes one hell of a mess, but it's the best thing since....playdoh.
ReplyDeleteHis ass print in Play-Doh? Now that's a kid I like!
ReplyDeleteyeah that friend follow thing bugs me now too!
ReplyDeleteAmerica's hat, I love it. I also love the fact that you recognize the Dooce wannabe's. It's a fucking blog people, calm down.
ReplyDeleteYou shouldn't have peeked. Liam was just working on your Father's Day present a little early. A fun and functional chip and dip server. That boy must really love you to go to so much trouble!
ReplyDeleteI'm canceling my Visa because they sent me a note saying they are raising my interest rates and adding more transaction fees. I'll keep it if Morgan Freeman wants to pay the balance.
ReplyDeleteSO with you on the blog following thing.
ReplyDeleteAnd did you hear that they released a study that (science!) bacon cures hangovers?? Magical.
No kidding.
ReplyDeleteAnd, an ugly bowl? Probably real expensive...
The thing about Visa? That's EXACTLY how I feel about Allstate car insurance. I want it. Because Dennis Haysbert (President Palmer) tells me I should have it so dammit why don't I have it???
ReplyDeleteI aim low with my blog. I just hope it doesn't suck so bad that Typepad demands I take it down. And then refunds all my money. And then pays me MORE money to never start it up again.
I have had talks about making my site into a blog. One day I'll hit it big.
ReplyDeleteAss print? Your kids are cool!
You should get a Visa... and tell the kids to quit making ass prints in their playdoh!
ReplyDeleteBTW, there should be a "follow" button above the "followers" for you to click, just once. Maybe get your eyes checked....
ReplyDeleteI've been busy lately, and I may have missed you posting about this, which as a bacon lover, you should have. At any rate, in case you HAVEN'T seen it, THIS is the reason you will come visit our family in Oregon soon:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.baconunwrapped.com/2007/10/maple-bacon-doughnut.html
Voodoo donuts=Portland=Waffles House for the Richmondzoo Dumbasses. We do bacon right.
Playdoh. Asses. That is great.
ReplyDeleteYou better watch Liam carefully around photocopiers from now on....
ReplyDeleteAss prints in play-doh? That is an under utilized blog topic. Maybe that is where I can make my millions.
ReplyDeletecan you dash my hopes a little less gently? thanks. :)
ReplyDeleteI wonder where he learned to make an a$$ print...hmmm...one guess!
Wouldn't you like to have Morgan Freeman narrate your life like he does in Shawshank.
ReplyDeleteI agree about the Google Friends Network! WTF!
ReplyDeleteAnyhoo, I'm following you now! Best Friends For Life? Okay then GREAT!
ass print.
ReplyDeletenice.
as good as my son screaming
"fucking jackass" all through the girls' school parking lot yesterday.
Bacon porn? I hope it brings the hits and target audience you were looking for. :)
ReplyDelete*gasp* How did you know I was inspired by Dooce? It's like you're IN MY HEAD.
ReplyDeleteI hope you saved the ass print.
Ass prints in play dough...whats next?
ReplyDeleteWell, once again, I'm so far behind that there's nothing funny or witty left to day about your post. I just wanted you to know that I was here.
ReplyDeleteps - leave it to Jen to "steal the funny" America's Hat! LOL!
bacon porn? i don't know...looked kinda gross to me. yes, i looked. how could you post a link about bacon porn and NOT have people look
ReplyDeleteAss printed playdooh! It's the name of my new band!
ReplyDeleteI tagged you with the movie character meme over at my website, since James at Luke, I'm Your Father missed ya. Check it out.
I am so with you on the new follower thingy.
ReplyDeleteEven though I've been into this blogging thing for close to a year, I only heard of Dooce about a month ago. Yes, I DO live under a rock.
ReplyDeleteBlogs that have RSS links to posts get more of my atention, simply because I'm lazy, and google reader is convenient.
ReplyDeleteThe blogger follow thinger never even gets looked at, I just use it to support my fellow nutcases. You know, like you.
What, you don't like Facebook? Come on!
ReplyDeleteThe ass print play doh is hilarious! Genius kids you've got there, Cap'em!
Dogmatic, but subtle. I like it. :)
ReplyDeleteSo with you on the blogger followers bullcrap. It's subversive. I hate it yet yearn for it. That's why I've deleted mine and then cry about it every night because I only have 11 followers. FOLLOWERS. Ugh.
ReplyDelete(Follow me, PLEASE. Or don't. I don't care.)
Okay, I'm stopping.