Talking To Myself

Brain: Um... Sir?
Me: Huh? Wha? Who said that?
Brain: Sorry to bother you, sir, but it's your brain.
Me: Whoa! Ah... ok.
Brain: Very sorry to disturb you, sir, we just wondered if we could talk to you?
Me: Um, sure. No problem. You threw me a little there. Thought I was hearing voices, you know.
Brain: Well, sir...
Me: Riiiiight. I am hearing voices.
Brain: Yes, sir.
Me: You're referring to yourself as we? What...?
Brain: Oh. Well, we're just going with your view of your brain as a mission control centre. Thought it would be easier for you to adjust to. And we enjoy it.
Me: Right. And who would you be? What part of my brain are you?
Brain: Sorry, sir, I'm unable to answer that. If you don't know my name then I don't know it either.
Me: 'Cause you're my brain. Sure. So you're the spokesman. Ok, but shouldn't I know this? I mean, this is exactly the kind of thing that I'd know, right? I must have read this somewhere before.
Brain: It's entirely possible sir, unfortunately your memory warehousing, short and long term, are a mess. Which actually relates to what we wanted to talk to you about today.
Me: How so?
Brain: You need a break, sir.
Me: A break?
Brain: You need to step back for a few days and get your shit together, sir. You need to get organized.
Me: Is that music I hear?
Brain: Ah... yes, sir. Stevie Wonder, Living For The City. It's the song you were listening to on your bike ride when you thought of this post.
Me: Hmm. So that's why it's been in my... head.
Brain: Yes, sir.
Me: So when I get those annoying songs from the kids shows-
Brain: No no no, sir, nothing to do with us. It's a systems issue with the auditory cortex. They start pulling in info from other areas to fill gaps- sir, it's not important. Could we please get back to you taking a break?
Me: Sure, but... your voice?
Brain: It's your voice, sir.
Me: Ya, I know, but wouldn't it be cooler if it were a different voice?
Brain: Sir?
Me: Like James Earl Jones? THAT would be cool. Oh, or Louis from Casablanca...
Brain: Sir, writing in a French accent will require a lot of attention right now and we need to stay on topic...
Me: What about my wife's voice?
Brain: We do not recommend that, sir. Emphatically.
Me: Good point. Who's got a sexy voice? Is Angelina Jol-
Brain: SIR! Please. This is exactly what we're talking about!
Me: I'm sorry. Please, go ahead.
Brain: Sir, we highly recommend you step back for a few days while you're on holiday and do some prioritizing. You are trying to do everything at once and it's getting messy. You've been off work for almost two months now and have accomplished almost nothing.
Me: I'm-
Brain: Sir, please don't bother making excuses. This is your brain. We know everything that you do. And we know 90% of it before you do. Whether you are willing to admit it or not this is bothering you. A lot. You're grinding your teeth again which is why you're waking up with neck pain. It's disturbing your sleep and you're getting temperamental.
Me: I'm trying. I just don't know where to start. And I never seem to have enough time in the day.
Brain: We understand, sir. It's the lack of a focal or starting point that is holding you back. You don't know where to start and as a result you're not accomplishing anything. Which is why we intervened today and pushed an idea through to the front.
Me: The filing cabinet?
Brain: Yes, sir. The filing cabinet. We believe eliminating the issue of paper all over the house will eliminate a great deal of stress for you. And Supreme Leader. Hopefully that will be enough to get you moving.
Me: That makes sense. Thanks. And you don't need to refer to her as Supreme Leader if this is all just in my head.
Brain: ...
Me: Right. Sigh. Ok. So tomorrow we start filing. You know, I felt better just buying that thing.
Brain: We thought you might, sir. Now how about you wrap this up and get to bed?
Me: Good idea. I'm going to be busy tomorrow.
Brain: That's the spirit, sir.

Mission Control: Insomnia

Visual Cortex: Control, we're getting some loud complaints from the Eyes and they don't want to talk to us.
Control: Sigh. Ok, put them through.
VC: Go ahead Eyes, you're on with Control.
Eyes: What the hell is going on, it's 2:45am?
Control: Sorry, Eyes, he's experiencing some insomnia tonight and decided to get up.
Eyes: WTF?! We've been working since 6:30 yesterday morning and he stayed up late to watch National Treasure. We need a rest.
Control: I know, I know, but there's not much we can do about it right now. What did you think of the movie?
Eyes: Not bad. Plenty of action and adventure. Have to agree with his wife though, Nick Cage doesn't age well. Wait a minute! Don't try distracting us, dammit! Get him back to bed!
Control: There's not much we can do about it until he decides to go back up.
Eyes: He shmee, we're exhausted and he's back on the goddamned computer!
Control: Look Eyes, we understand where you're coming from but this effects everybody. REM has been postponed and it's not looking like we'll be able to fit it in even if he goes back to bed right now.
Eyes: Fine. Better make sure Memory remembers where he put his sunglasses. We're driving today.
Control: He seems to be getting bored now, why don't you try drying out a little? The irritation might be enough to send him back to bed.
Eyes: Not bad. Ok, here we go.

Few minutes later...

Control: There we go.
Eyes: Thanks Control, sorry for the attitude, but it's been a long day and he rented the first season's of Angel and Buffy yesterday so we know we're going to be busy.
Control: No problem, Eyes. It's what we're here for.

Brain Control 2: Sleep Disturbance

Because I had so much fun with yesterday's...

Heart: So what was your favourite?
Lungs: I loved the eliptical machine, that was a great workout.
Heart: True, that was...

ALARMS-people scrambling back to their desks, putting on headsets and grabbing checklists

Night Shift Supervisor: Report!
Emergency Response Team: Sir, Auditory picked up noises from the youngest child. May turn into a cry.
NSS: Ok, Adrenaline?
ERT: Adrenaline is on line and ready to go, all organs, muscle groups and Circulatory system have been alerted and are ready as well.
NSS: Ok then...what's the time?
ERT: 3:21am

Cry over the loudspeakers-control room, quiet until now, bursts into action.

ERT: Adrenaline pumped. He's fully awake.
NSS: Alright, looks like he's waiting to see if the boy will fall back asleep.
ERT: Sir, Auditory is requesting that the Eyes close to boost their signal strength.
NSS: Do it.

Second cry

ERT: Child is definately awake. He's up and leaving the bedroom. Circulatory reports full dispersal of Adrenaline, primary functions are all in the green.
NSS: Good stuff. Ok, to the child's room without accident then. And kneeling beside the bed... how are the knees?
ERT: Noisey but they're not reporting any pain. They don't recommend him holding this position for too long.
NSS: Child Assessment?
Night Shift Child Manager (Liam): Sir, we believe the child has woken up from a mildly disturbing dream. The arrival of a parent has already relaxed him back into semi-consciousness. Our suggestion of soothing words and a gentle rubbing of the head seems to be doing the trick.
NSS: Excellent.
ERT: Sir, the Lower Intestine and Sphincter are requesting a gas release. Apparently this sitting position is putting a great deal of pressure on the Sphincter.
NSS: Let's see the numbers on screen. Wow, that's a big one. Look at the estimated decibil level. Child Assessment, what will his response be?
CA: Definite laughter, regardless of sleepiness. It will bring him back to consciousness.
NSS: That's what I figured. Ok, negative to gas release. Bladder looks to be full, tell them they can release at the same time once the child has been dealt with.

5 minutes later...

NSS: Alright, good work people. He's back in bed and drifting off.

34 minutes later... 4am

NSS: What the hell was that?
ERT: First born is awake and calling for help, sir. We're all ready but he'll be sluggish this time around.
NSS: Ok, let's get him up before First Born wakes up Second.
ERT: Sir! Right knee reports receiving "I'll get him" signal tap from wife.
NSS: Good. Ok, wind him down. Unfortunately the damage is done, advise morning crew that he'll need additional coffee this morning. Let's try and make this last hour as relaxing as possible. So much for the early bedtime.

Brain Control

I've always had this image of the inside of my brain looking like one of Nasa's control centres. Huge banks of tv monitors and row after row of technicians and scientists in charge of specific systems. I wonder what that would look like...



Brain Control: Good morning, Body, this is Brain Control, can I have everyone return to their stations for today's pre-wake systems check. Ok, today is March the 5th, 2008, let's make it a good day. REM has been disabled and final dream is wrapping up. Consciousness?
Consc: Consciousness is warming up and on stand by. ETA on change over?
BC: Early estimates show change over to self consciousness to be slightly delayed this morning, we believe he'll wake up with or just before the alarm clock today. Thankfully the handover to sleep came early last night for a change.
(Sarcastic cheer from the control room with shouts of "it's about time.")
BC: Ok, ok, keep it down, let's get back to it. Consciousness?
Cons: We'll compensate for wake up time.
BC: Good. Ok, let's switch over to systems... Coronary?
Heart: Check. All systems running within parameters. We'd like to request another exercise reminder though.
BC: Noted. He is looking at another bike ride this week or weekend. The wife's new schedule is still causing problems.
Heart: Excuses...
BC: We know, we know... Ok, Respiratory?
Lungs: Ready. All systems green, ready to go back to full power. We'd also like to forward exercise request. We're running within parameters but we could be doing much better.
BC: Noted. Circulatory?
Blood: 5 by 5. White count is returning to normal as the back is healing quite nicely. We're good.
BC: Excellent. Excretory?
Excretory: Check. Bladder is full and all systems on-line, waiting for green light.
BC: Ok, major systems are go. We still have a few minutes, lets go through as many departments as we can before he's up. Alright, Skin, how is the back doing?
Skin: Healing is ahead of schedule, most scabs have detached, only larger ones remain. Itching is still an issue but he seems to be handling it fairly well. Need a reminder placed that he should not be rubbing the area, that while he's not using his nails even the friction from the skin on his hand can damage the sensitive areas.
BC: Good stuff. How we looking today?
Skin: Pretty good, no new blemishes to report today. He's switched to a new washing pad for his facial cleanser, less abrasive than old one. This is looking like a positive change. Do we have an ETA for the next tattoo session?
BC: End of May. This will be the last session and we're hearing that it will only be an hour to an hour and a half of work. We're almost there. Ok... looks like we're almost there... might start up with slight disorientation. Consciousness, we might need a prod to get him out of bed.
Consc: Ok, we're ready.
BC: Balance, readiness?
Inner ear: We're ready.
BC: Thank you. Ok, we're up people, let's start the countdown. Looks like he's waking up with the alarm today.
Countdown....
BC: Partial consciousness transfer... alarm clock off... Conscious, give him a shot.
Cons: Copy. There he goes.
BC: We're up. Clothes picked up, moving to door. Motor functions?
MF: Early on systems working within parameters, he's fine for stair decent.
BC: Alright, looking good people. Early reports?
Skin: He's cold. Remind him he could put on some clothes before going downstairs to turn on the coffee.
BC: Pre-established routine, he's not going to deviate. First thoughts?
Sub-conscious: Quite a jumble this morning. Unable to decipher initial thought, second was an idea for his story, and then rapid idea development for this blog.
BC: Good work team. Hand off to full consciousness is complete. Let's get to work.