Thursday, October 16, 2008

Talking To Myself

Brain: Um... Sir?
Me: Huh? Wha? Who said that?
Brain: Sorry to bother you, sir, but it's your brain.
Me: Whoa! Ah... ok.
Brain: Very sorry to disturb you, sir, we just wondered if we could talk to you?
Me: Um, sure. No problem. You threw me a little there. Thought I was hearing voices, you know.
Brain: Well, sir...
Me: Riiiiight. I am hearing voices.
Brain: Yes, sir.
Me: You're referring to yourself as we? What...?
Brain: Oh. Well, we're just going with your view of your brain as a mission control centre. Thought it would be easier for you to adjust to. And we enjoy it.
Me: Right. And who would you be? What part of my brain are you?
Brain: Sorry, sir, I'm unable to answer that. If you don't know my name then I don't know it either.
Me: 'Cause you're my brain. Sure. So you're the spokesman. Ok, but shouldn't I know this? I mean, this is exactly the kind of thing that I'd know, right? I must have read this somewhere before.
Brain: It's entirely possible sir, unfortunately your memory warehousing, short and long term, are a mess. Which actually relates to what we wanted to talk to you about today.
Me: How so?
Brain: You need a break, sir.
Me: A break?
Brain: You need to step back for a few days and get your shit together, sir. You need to get organized.
Me: Is that music I hear?
Brain: Ah... yes, sir. Stevie Wonder, Living For The City. It's the song you were listening to on your bike ride when you thought of this post.
Me: Hmm. So that's why it's been in my... head.
Brain: Yes, sir.
Me: So when I get those annoying songs from the kids shows-
Brain: No no no, sir, nothing to do with us. It's a systems issue with the auditory cortex. They start pulling in info from other areas to fill gaps- sir, it's not important. Could we please get back to you taking a break?
Me: Sure, but... your voice?
Brain: It's your voice, sir.
Me: Ya, I know, but wouldn't it be cooler if it were a different voice?
Brain: Sir?
Me: Like James Earl Jones? THAT would be cool. Oh, or Louis from Casablanca...
Brain: Sir, writing in a French accent will require a lot of attention right now and we need to stay on topic...
Me: What about my wife's voice?
Brain: We do not recommend that, sir. Emphatically.
Me: Good point. Who's got a sexy voice? Is Angelina Jol-
Brain: SIR! Please. This is exactly what we're talking about!
Me: I'm sorry. Please, go ahead.
Brain: Sir, we highly recommend you step back for a few days while you're on holiday and do some prioritizing. You are trying to do everything at once and it's getting messy. You've been off work for almost two months now and have accomplished almost nothing.
Me: I'm-
Brain: Sir, please don't bother making excuses. This is your brain. We know everything that you do. And we know 90% of it before you do. Whether you are willing to admit it or not this is bothering you. A lot. You're grinding your teeth again which is why you're waking up with neck pain. It's disturbing your sleep and you're getting temperamental.
Me: I'm trying. I just don't know where to start. And I never seem to have enough time in the day.
Brain: We understand, sir. It's the lack of a focal or starting point that is holding you back. You don't know where to start and as a result you're not accomplishing anything. Which is why we intervened today and pushed an idea through to the front.
Me: The filing cabinet?
Brain: Yes, sir. The filing cabinet. We believe eliminating the issue of paper all over the house will eliminate a great deal of stress for you. And Supreme Leader. Hopefully that will be enough to get you moving.
Me: That makes sense. Thanks. And you don't need to refer to her as Supreme Leader if this is all just in my head.
Brain: ...
Me: Right. Sigh. Ok. So tomorrow we start filing. You know, I felt better just buying that thing.
Brain: We thought you might, sir. Now how about you wrap this up and get to bed?
Me: Good idea. I'm going to be busy tomorrow.
Brain: That's the spirit, sir.


  1. It's a very polite brain. With good musical taste. Wouldn't it freak you out if you started hearing Darth Vader in your head?

  2. I agree. Your brain is VERY polite. Mine is a jogger. It never stops running..

  3. I hope for your brain's sake that you are so busy filing and getting organized that you aren't even taking the time to read these comments, but if you do... that was great!! I don't think my brain would be near as friendly to me.

  4. My Great Grandmother use to tell me.....
    "Don't bother with getting all your Ducks in a Row. They just make easier Targets that way."

    I usually just say "Fuck It."

    Either way. Relax.

  5. So today starts filing day? Good Luck with that - Hope it all works out just the way you and brain want it too work.

    May the force be with you!

  6. I like your brain. I hate filing. I'm terribly unorganized. I had to pay a therapist to tell me that. I went in thinking I would have some major issue in my life causing all sorts of distress and he was all, "You can't organize very well." I walked out, $25 dollars poorer, but with a prescription to help me get organized. It's funny how a small purchase can jump start all sorts of activities in your life. Hooray for the filing cabinet. Hooray for your bike ride on that slit seat of yours.

  7. I think my brain may have multiple personalities. Yours might actually be useful!

  8. My brain and I are no longer on speaking terms. You're so lucky!

  9. hehe Has POCKO released my She-Ra brain yet?!!

  10. yeah - um when you're done filing can you come to my office and file my bosses personal files? yeah I haven't done them & i need to get them done before I go on maternity leave.

  11. A James Earl Jones voice would have been so cool.

    "Captain Dumbass, I am your brain."

    I totally hear ya. I feel like I spend entire days doing little things like blogging, twittering, reading books, and picking up behind the kids while ignoring the stuff I should be doing. Then the actual stuff I should be doing piles up until I fall in a heap of hysterical tears on top of my laundry mountain.

    Even though it sounds like you might be ignoring the internet for a few days, this is one mf my favorite Captian Dumbass posts ever.

  12. I'm so glad I stopped by today. NOW I know what those voices I keep hearing are all about.

    Funny stuff.

  13. Can I borrow your brain to get me organized too? or are you really attached to it. I understand. I'll see if I can get mine to cooperate.

  14. I always thought organization was for suckers..then I lost my marriage license. Have fun with the filing.

  15. Are you sure you were no watching spongebob??? Your bran sounds a lot like the Plankton's brain thingy.....

  16. Ha ha! I want my brain to come over and learn some manners from yours. My brain is NOT polite.

  17. Dude, how in Hades do you get your brain to call you sir? Mine keeps referring to me as Dumbass.

  18. And also, JEJ can't be the voice of your brain. Everybody knows his is the MetaTron.

  19. Have u ever heard the phrase
    "I finally got it all together
    then forgot where I put it!"

    A smidge of quiet time is needed,
    me thinks...

  20. sometimes I wish my brain was like those automated call numbers you get for customer service. "Please press 1 for English, Please press 2 for good ideas..."

  21. Dude, your brain is whack. Mine can totally do voices. Don't back down. Make them talk like Angelina. Mine talks like Johnny Depp from the Pirates movies.


Come on, sailor. I love you long time.