See you after Christmas/Hanukkah
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How Human Civilization Began
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Showing posts with label Christmas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christmas. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Impromptu Guest Post
I received an email from Kelly, or Kelleexo on Twitter, after last weeks Friday Santa pic. She sent a couple of pictures along with a story but by the time I received them it was far too late to include them. Not wanting her hard work to go to waste or to miss the opportunity to take a day off, I asked if she'd like to use it as a guest post. So. I'm taking the day off.
Before I do though, I need to send thanks and love to the great state of Mississippi and specifically Mama Dawg. I found some awesome Christmas cards on-line a few months back but unfortunately, since Canada seems to be in another dimension or something, the maker of the cards wouldn't ship here. MD, because she is truly an extraordinary human being, got my cards for me and sent along a little Christmas present as well.
(It's a Han Solo tree ornament)
And on with the show...
Creepy Santa is sprung up from the dense, snow covered hills of Somewhere. In the hills of Somewhere he lived with a gnome family in a burrow who harvested natural resources for the elves to use. Creepy Santa, who was originally born in Santa's castle but was too scary to live there, resided with the gnomes until he decided that lumbering and mining was just not the life for him. He decided to go spread his Christmas cheer with the Moffitt family (my mom's family), who had just lost their father to divorce...and Florida. Creepy Santa hated Florida and knew that the crazy Moffitt's needed to be perked up around the holiday season.
He traveled on a snowy, dark path for 8 days and nights until he reached the humble Moffitt abode in Grosse Pointe Park, Michigan. Creepy Santa knocked on the door until John (my uncle) answered on a snowy Christmas Eve night. When John saw Creepy Santa his heart burst, the poor little guy was covered in dirty slush and was shivering. John brought him in, wrapped him in a towel and carried him like a baby to his mother. He then proceeded to get on his knees and beg Mary (my grandmother) to keep him... just like he did with all of the other stray animals he found. Mary, a nurturing nurse and mother of five, couldn't say no to John's and Creepy Santa's sparkling blue eyes, so the Moffitt's adopted Creepy Santa as one of their own.
Most of the year Creepy Santa lived in the upstairs crawlspace closet, playing in the insulation which he thought was pink snow. Then in December he ran downstairs and partied with the cheerful Moffitt family. His favorite night was December 21st where the Mofitt family gathered around and sang Christmas carols to the tune of their "Sing-Along with Mitch Miller" album, ate, and drank. Creepy Santa loved to drink special egg nog, eat fruit cake, and play ding-dong ditch with the Moffitt children.
Creepy Santa was glad he chose the Moffitt family. Instead of being a charitable gnome Santa, he decided to become a permanent fixture in the Moffitt family and to not offer his service to other needy families. After all of the Moffitt children have grown up and left home, after Kelly (me) and Clare (my sister) played with him until his arm stuffing began to tear, and after Mary found her way home to God, he moved in with Maureen (my aunt) in Connecticut. There he lives out of the closet yearlong, keeps Maureen (a single woman) in constant good cheer, eats a lot of peppermint and drinks too much coffee, and runs around with Maureen's underwear on his head (while she's at work). Although his arms are weak, Creepy Santa will never get tired of spreading holiday cheer even when it's not the holidays!
Merry Christmas!
Kelly (& Creepy Santa too!)
Kelly blogs at I Don't Want The World, which she hasn't touched since mid-November. Something about school, yadda yadda yadda, whatever. It's Xmas break, Kelly, time to write something. Guest posting and ridicule, served up fresh. Anybody else want to guest?
PS. Grosse Pointe Blank is one of the finest movies ever made.
PPS. (heh heh, you just said pee pee in your head) Anybody else want to guest post? The Us & Them family is off to the hinterlands for Xmas this year but we have to cross the freakin' Himalaya's
first. (shut up, Braja) Hopefully we don't spend our holiday living out of the back of a snowbound Dodge Caravan eating the frozen carcass of a caribou.
Before I do though, I need to send thanks and love to the great state of Mississippi and specifically Mama Dawg. I found some awesome Christmas cards on-line a few months back but unfortunately, since Canada seems to be in another dimension or something, the maker of the cards wouldn't ship here. MD, because she is truly an extraordinary human being, got my cards for me and sent along a little Christmas present as well.
(It's a Han Solo tree ornament)
And on with the show...
Creepy Santa is sprung up from the dense, snow covered hills of Somewhere. In the hills of Somewhere he lived with a gnome family in a burrow who harvested natural resources for the elves to use. Creepy Santa, who was originally born in Santa's castle but was too scary to live there, resided with the gnomes until he decided that lumbering and mining was just not the life for him. He decided to go spread his Christmas cheer with the Moffitt family (my mom's family), who had just lost their father to divorce...and Florida. Creepy Santa hated Florida and knew that the crazy Moffitt's needed to be perked up around the holiday season.
He traveled on a snowy, dark path for 8 days and nights until he reached the humble Moffitt abode in Grosse Pointe Park, Michigan. Creepy Santa knocked on the door until John (my uncle) answered on a snowy Christmas Eve night. When John saw Creepy Santa his heart burst, the poor little guy was covered in dirty slush and was shivering. John brought him in, wrapped him in a towel and carried him like a baby to his mother. He then proceeded to get on his knees and beg Mary (my grandmother) to keep him... just like he did with all of the other stray animals he found. Mary, a nurturing nurse and mother of five, couldn't say no to John's and Creepy Santa's sparkling blue eyes, so the Moffitt's adopted Creepy Santa as one of their own.
Most of the year Creepy Santa lived in the upstairs crawlspace closet, playing in the insulation which he thought was pink snow. Then in December he ran downstairs and partied with the cheerful Moffitt family. His favorite night was December 21st where the Mofitt family gathered around and sang Christmas carols to the tune of their "Sing-Along with Mitch Miller" album, ate, and drank. Creepy Santa loved to drink special egg nog, eat fruit cake, and play ding-dong ditch with the Moffitt children.
Creepy Santa was glad he chose the Moffitt family. Instead of being a charitable gnome Santa, he decided to become a permanent fixture in the Moffitt family and to not offer his service to other needy families. After all of the Moffitt children have grown up and left home, after Kelly (me) and Clare (my sister) played with him until his arm stuffing began to tear, and after Mary found her way home to God, he moved in with Maureen (my aunt) in Connecticut. There he lives out of the closet yearlong, keeps Maureen (a single woman) in constant good cheer, eats a lot of peppermint and drinks too much coffee, and runs around with Maureen's underwear on his head (while she's at work). Although his arms are weak, Creepy Santa will never get tired of spreading holiday cheer even when it's not the holidays!
Merry Christmas!
Kelly (& Creepy Santa too!)
Kelly blogs at I Don't Want The World, which she hasn't touched since mid-November. Something about school, yadda yadda yadda, whatever. It's Xmas break, Kelly, time to write something. Guest posting and ridicule, served up fresh. Anybody else want to guest?
PS. Grosse Pointe Blank is one of the finest movies ever made.
PPS. (heh heh, you just said pee pee in your head) Anybody else want to guest post? The Us & Them family is off to the hinterlands for Xmas this year but we have to cross the freakin' Himalaya's
first. (shut up, Braja) Hopefully we don't spend our holiday living out of the back of a snowbound Dodge Caravan eating the frozen carcass of a caribou.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Friday Pics: Santa Pics
Friday again, and what a week. We've had snow twice this week and the temperature has plummeted. We've resorted to burning furniture and I'm eyeing the banister and railings next. What? Why yes, I do live in Canada, but I live in the tiny little warm part of Canada. The part that doesn't do "real" winter. We're civilized and keep our snow up on the mountains. Rain is depressing, but you don't have to shovel it or scrape it off your car. Christmas Eve we're headed up to see my family and they live on the freakin tundra.
Connor has missed three days of school this week. I took him into the doctor's today and what do you know, all his symptoms magically disappeared once we got there.
They don't fall far from the tree, do they.
I flew solo on the Santa pictures this year. Should not have let Liam wear a toque when we left the house. His hat hair was... it was something special. I chose a close-up for this shot just to show you the look of utter madness on Santa's face. (need to click on it for the full effect) Thankfully it wasn't my children who broke Santa. The parents in front of us had two VERY young kids who LOST THEIR MINDS when they were given to him. They kept putting the kids down and taking shot after shot, like they were somehow going to magically forget their terror, dry their eyes and flash a smile just for mommy. Just take the screaming picture, it'll be great for future laughs and it will get my monsters out of here before the light Santa's tree on fire out of boredom.
Irish Gumbo: Its a Christmas miracle: I remembered! I didn't have any of my childhood Satan, er, SANTA pics. I did, however, have this action shot of me being assaulted by a light up Satan, er, SANTA decoration out on my front lawn. Bastard left a bruise on my ear...
Colepack: Corbin – does not trust Santa
Ashlan – terrified of Santa
Eli – loves Santa
Bad Karma: 6 month old Dumbass and Santa 1970. (yes, yours truly)
Me & You & Ellie: These are my sister Jane's (who was *at* the Obama victory rally in Chicago on Election Night) kids, about 4 or 5 years ago. I don't think the little guy will *ever* recover.
Apathy Lounge: This is my oldest son, Greyson, during a trip to the mall right before his first Christmas. He was nine months old. The apoplexy he's exhibiting indicates extreme displeasure with Santa...or abject terror. Possibly both. None of our other sons demonstrated this kind of behavior with St. Nick. Of course, we pretty much avoided Santa photo ops after this debacle. Greyson, who will be 20 in March, has fully recovered from his ordeal. Just so you know.
A Day In The Life Of: Now I didn't take this myself....but hey! It's Santa, that's what you asked for.
That's it for Friday pics this year, I'll pick it up again in January sometime. A big thanks to everyone who participated. Feel free to send some suggestions for future posts.
Connor has missed three days of school this week. I took him into the doctor's today and what do you know, all his symptoms magically disappeared once we got there.
Connor: I'm not going to school today.
Supreme Leader: No you're not, you're sick.
Connor: I have to make sure I stay sick so I can stop this whole school thing.
They don't fall far from the tree, do they.
I flew solo on the Santa pictures this year. Should not have let Liam wear a toque when we left the house. His hat hair was... it was something special. I chose a close-up for this shot just to show you the look of utter madness on Santa's face. (need to click on it for the full effect) Thankfully it wasn't my children who broke Santa. The parents in front of us had two VERY young kids who LOST THEIR MINDS when they were given to him. They kept putting the kids down and taking shot after shot, like they were somehow going to magically forget their terror, dry their eyes and flash a smile just for mommy. Just take the screaming picture, it'll be great for future laughs and it will get my monsters out of here before the light Santa's tree on fire out of boredom.
Irish Gumbo: Its a Christmas miracle: I remembered! I didn't have any of my childhood Satan, er, SANTA pics. I did, however, have this action shot of me being assaulted by a light up Satan, er, SANTA decoration out on my front lawn. Bastard left a bruise on my ear...
Colepack: Corbin – does not trust Santa
Ashlan – terrified of Santa
Eli – loves Santa
Bad Karma: 6 month old Dumbass and Santa 1970. (yes, yours truly)
Me & You & Ellie: These are my sister Jane's (who was *at* the Obama victory rally in Chicago on Election Night) kids, about 4 or 5 years ago. I don't think the little guy will *ever* recover.
Apathy Lounge: This is my oldest son, Greyson, during a trip to the mall right before his first Christmas. He was nine months old. The apoplexy he's exhibiting indicates extreme displeasure with Santa...or abject terror. Possibly both. None of our other sons demonstrated this kind of behavior with St. Nick. Of course, we pretty much avoided Santa photo ops after this debacle. Greyson, who will be 20 in March, has fully recovered from his ordeal. Just so you know.
A Day In The Life Of: Now I didn't take this myself....but hey! It's Santa, that's what you asked for.
That's it for Friday pics this year, I'll pick it up again in January sometime. A big thanks to everyone who participated. Feel free to send some suggestions for future posts.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Big Finish
I received a new award from Mama Dawg this week. It came with a meme that I promptly forgot about until I saw it again over on Unmitigated. I don't think this is the meme that was attached to mine, but just the fact that I'm responding to a meme is something. Not that I don't like them, I really do, I just suck at getting them done. I haven't even started the one Heinous sent me and I'm actually excited by that one. Doh! Steenky tagged me the other day too and I told her I was going to do it. That woman can throw down a stink eye so I'd... hey. Hold on a second. I've already mentioned three bloggers. Ha! You know,I'm a goodfather, but once I'm Blissfully Caffeinated this place turns into a 3 Bedroom Apathy Lounge. If I don't get my morning coffee I'm on the Edge of Insanity so Gimme The Juice and I'll go call my Vodka Mom for some Bad Karma. Hey, that's My Life In A Nutshell. Bwah ha ha ha haaaa! Two birds with one stone, baby!
Christmas
1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Gift bags would be the environmentally correct answer, but I like the look of a nicely wrapped present. Plus, I live in a province whose economy is resource driven and forestry is our number two industry. Ok, that's not entirely true. Marijuana production would technically be our number two industry, but we're not supposed to advertise that even though we produce an exceptionally fine product. (Not that I've ever tried, just something you hear.)
2. Real tree or Artificial? Real. Trees are not something we are going to run out of here. And we buy farmed ones. AND, when we're done, our fire department takes them in exchange for a charitable donation. Then they give you a really cool example of why it's important to keep them well watered.
3. When do you put up the tree? Uh? Don't really have a specific date. It'll be soon though.
4. When do you take the tree down? Again, it varies.
5. Do you like eggnog? I loved it when I was younger. I still like it, but only in small amounts, like an expensive brandy. Not that I drink brandy, it's just an example.
6. Favorite gift received as a child? Can't think of anything in particular and I can't think of anything funny either. Ah hell, how about some whale blubber? Is that funny? My own sled dog?
7. Hardest person to buy for? Supreme Leader
8. Easiest person to buy for? Myself. I always love whatever I get myself.
9. Do you have a nativity scene? No.
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail, but we don't know enough people to send cards.
11.Worst Christmas gift you ever received? The decapitated head of my nemesis. Sure I was thrilled, but Christmas day in front of the family was not the place.
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Die Hard. "Yippee-ki-yay..."
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Meh, whenever. Closer to the deadline the better.
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Absolutely. Circle of life.
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? One thing? Who wrote this? I don't know, how about Eggnog and Ginger Bread Lattes from Starbucks? Oooh! The cookies! I was thinking about the penguin and polar bear cookies at Starbucks with all that delicious icing, but then that made me think of Supreme Leader and her sisters who bake crazy amounts of cookies this time of year. Mmm, cookies.
16. Lights on the tree? WTF? People have trees without lights on them? Seriously?
17. Favorite Christmas song? This is a dumb question, I'm not picking just one.
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? We do one year at home and one year with my family in the interior, so both.
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeers? Yes, and as an aside (cause it's what I do) I actually saw wild reindeer in the Arctic Circle in Norway. That was pretty cool. I'll never forget my friend jumping out of his seat (train) and yelling "Fuck me! That was a reindeer!"
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Whatever we got. I always feel bad for the angel though, that can't be comfortable.
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning. Christmas morning before breakfast. We always open one present Christmas Eve though.
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? PC assholes who deserve to be dipped in honey and staked to a fire ant colony for pushing 'Happy Holidays' on everybody. I'm not a religous person, but I'm celebrating CHRISTMAS motherf*cker! The only people I have EVER heard complaining about offending different religions and ethnic groups have been middle class white people. DIE!
Sorry.
23. Favorite ornament theme or color? Colour? How about all of them.
24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? Turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, Yorkshire puddings and graaaaaavy. I just quivered a little.
25. What do you want for Christmas this year? Peace, love, health & happiness. And two large screen plasmas (living room & bedroom), a new Mac, an Airbook for bed, a Canon Rebel, an iPhone, a Turbo Bentley and enough money to reno the house and take a trip to Europe while it's being done. Santa, baby.
And that is it for NaNotDoingThisAgainAnyMo. Oh, Friday pics shall live on. I knew people would be busy with the holiday and all, but I just wanted to see if I should keep doing it. This week: your ride. What do you drive. Car, van, truck, bus, motorbike, walk (send pic of shoes) whatever.
Christmas
1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Gift bags would be the environmentally correct answer, but I like the look of a nicely wrapped present. Plus, I live in a province whose economy is resource driven and forestry is our number two industry. Ok, that's not entirely true. Marijuana production would technically be our number two industry, but we're not supposed to advertise that even though we produce an exceptionally fine product. (Not that I've ever tried, just something you hear.)
2. Real tree or Artificial? Real. Trees are not something we are going to run out of here. And we buy farmed ones. AND, when we're done, our fire department takes them in exchange for a charitable donation. Then they give you a really cool example of why it's important to keep them well watered.
3. When do you put up the tree? Uh? Don't really have a specific date. It'll be soon though.
4. When do you take the tree down? Again, it varies.
5. Do you like eggnog? I loved it when I was younger. I still like it, but only in small amounts, like an expensive brandy. Not that I drink brandy, it's just an example.
6. Favorite gift received as a child? Can't think of anything in particular and I can't think of anything funny either. Ah hell, how about some whale blubber? Is that funny? My own sled dog?
7. Hardest person to buy for? Supreme Leader
8. Easiest person to buy for? Myself. I always love whatever I get myself.
9. Do you have a nativity scene? No.
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail, but we don't know enough people to send cards.
11.Worst Christmas gift you ever received? The decapitated head of my nemesis. Sure I was thrilled, but Christmas day in front of the family was not the place.
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Die Hard. "Yippee-ki-yay..."
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Meh, whenever. Closer to the deadline the better.
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Absolutely. Circle of life.
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? One thing? Who wrote this? I don't know, how about Eggnog and Ginger Bread Lattes from Starbucks? Oooh! The cookies! I was thinking about the penguin and polar bear cookies at Starbucks with all that delicious icing, but then that made me think of Supreme Leader and her sisters who bake crazy amounts of cookies this time of year. Mmm, cookies.
16. Lights on the tree? WTF? People have trees without lights on them? Seriously?
17. Favorite Christmas song? This is a dumb question, I'm not picking just one.
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? We do one year at home and one year with my family in the interior, so both.
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeers? Yes, and as an aside (cause it's what I do) I actually saw wild reindeer in the Arctic Circle in Norway. That was pretty cool. I'll never forget my friend jumping out of his seat (train) and yelling "Fuck me! That was a reindeer!"
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Whatever we got. I always feel bad for the angel though, that can't be comfortable.
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning. Christmas morning before breakfast. We always open one present Christmas Eve though.
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? PC assholes who deserve to be dipped in honey and staked to a fire ant colony for pushing 'Happy Holidays' on everybody. I'm not a religous person, but I'm celebrating CHRISTMAS motherf*cker! The only people I have EVER heard complaining about offending different religions and ethnic groups have been middle class white people. DIE!
Sorry.
23. Favorite ornament theme or color? Colour? How about all of them.
24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? Turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, Yorkshire puddings and graaaaaavy. I just quivered a little.
25. What do you want for Christmas this year? Peace, love, health & happiness. And two large screen plasmas (living room & bedroom), a new Mac, an Airbook for bed, a Canon Rebel, an iPhone, a Turbo Bentley and enough money to reno the house and take a trip to Europe while it's being done. Santa, baby.
And that is it for NaNotDoingThisAgainAnyMo. Oh, Friday pics shall live on. I knew people would be busy with the holiday and all, but I just wanted to see if I should keep doing it. This week: your ride. What do you drive. Car, van, truck, bus, motorbike, walk (send pic of shoes) whatever.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Christmas In The Lower Mainland, Sigh
What a difference 24 hours makes.
And yes, that is 3/4 of my back yard under water.
And yes, that is 3/4 of my back yard under water.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Wish List
Sure it costs $78 million dollars, but who wouldn't want their own personal luxury submarine.
At 65-meters (213 feet) in overall length, and with a beam in excess of 8 meters (26 feet), the Phoenix is a vehicle of formidable size. Yet despite its 1500-ton displacement, the submarine is quite streamlined. Given the significant waterplane area and ample internal volume, which allows for greater battery storage, the Phoenix will out-perform smaller counterparts in surface speed, submerged speed and submerged endurance. The large pressure hull diameter allows for very large acrylic viewports, making the undersea viewing capability truly extraordinary. The interior space, with the noted absence of structural bulkheads, provides for tremendous versatility in interior layout and space planning. And finally, the Phoenix's large size coupled with its integrated roll stabilization system makes surface transit quite comfortable in all but the worst conditions.
It can stay submerged for two weeks straight and even comes with its own mini-sub that can dive to 2000 feet (the Phoenix is only rated to a 1000) or shuttle passengers to the surface. It's so automated it only requires a crew of 4 to operate. The only thing it needs is a global crime syndicate.
US Submarines
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Where's The Wii?
We decided to get a Nintendo Wii for the boys this Christmas. They love video games but Dad's Xbox is a little too gratuitously violent for their young and impressionable minds. The Wii has lots of children related games and is a lot more interactive than other systems. Don't get me wrong, we're not trying to raise couch sloths here, but the kids need something to do during the day. It started raining on the September long weekend and it won't stop until May. There's only so much they can do outside in this weather.
Anyway, just try finding a Wii right now. I've checked all the flyers for Future Shop, Bestbuy, Walmart yadda yadda yadda, nobody has them. They have the games and various controllers but not the actual system. Even the online stores don't have them. You can order them off Amazon but they're starting at $100 more than their normal price, and you have to wait.
So yes, I have well over a month before Christmas, but you know what's going to happen. Nintendo is probably sitting on tonnes of them but they're going to hold off until December before dumping them back on the market so they can build up media hype. Thanks bastards. I really want to be one of those suckers fighting Xmas traffic, parking lots and last minute hype shoppers. November the 7th and I'm already feeling the spirit of Christmas. : P
Anyway, just try finding a Wii right now. I've checked all the flyers for Future Shop, Bestbuy, Walmart yadda yadda yadda, nobody has them. They have the games and various controllers but not the actual system. Even the online stores don't have them. You can order them off Amazon but they're starting at $100 more than their normal price, and you have to wait.
So yes, I have well over a month before Christmas, but you know what's going to happen. Nintendo is probably sitting on tonnes of them but they're going to hold off until December before dumping them back on the market so they can build up media hype. Thanks bastards. I really want to be one of those suckers fighting Xmas traffic, parking lots and last minute hype shoppers. November the 7th and I'm already feeling the spirit of Christmas. : P
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