Random Tuesday: Random Tuesday

The other day one of the boys found a lollipop that one of them had brought home from a birthday and dad obviously didn't hide very well. Being the brilliant father that I am I decide to break it into pieces so both boys could share. I grab a hammer, put it on the floor, still in its wrapper, and whack it. Nothing happened. Again. Nothing happens. Third times a charm, I hit that SOB but good and it explodes. Everywhere.

It's Tuesday!



I'm in the middle of stripping wallpaper from my bedroom. One night I'm brushing my teeth and looking at the walls and all the work that still needs doing and ask Supreme Leader if we can just mirror the entire room. Walls, floors and ceiling. As usual she's pretending I'm not even there, although I know it's because she's trying to resist my machismo by acting like she's reading a book. It occurs to me that a mirrored floor could be dangerous so I tell her that we would probably have to cover the mirrors with plexiglass. This leads to the brilliant idea of replacing the mirrored room with twin panes of plexiglass and then running water between them. And maybe even fish! Can you imagine?! It'd be like sleeping underwater!

Me: Do you want to sit or stand?
Liam: Sit, because sometimes my pee pee doesn't listen to me.


Etsy

Today I'm walking to pick up Connor from kindergarten and notice a plane flying high over head. Then I notice a strange black line beneath it and take off my sunglasses to clean them. They were clean. I looked up without my glasses and realized it was the shadow of the jet's contrail on some thin cirrus cloud beneath it. No, there's no point, it just looked cool.

Check this out. It's called 1001 Rules For My Unborn Son and it's great.

Beyoncé came on the radio this afternoon while I was in the kitchen and Liam wanted to know why that lady was singing about Halo. Not that he's ever seen the game, of course. Ok, he's seen the game, once or twice. Ah hell, he's seen it a lot, but who else is going to teach him how to fight off xenophobic aliens bent on the eradication of humanity? The school system? They're not even ready for the zombie plague. Earthquakes? Whatever.



Go to Keely's, grab a button, join the fun!

Height Matters

Potty training my youngest took a big leap forward a few weeks ago when he started peeing standing up. This had less to do with parenting skills or his own abilities than the fact that his older brother does it. The last couple of days though he's been asking to use his toilet seat again. This morning when he told me he had to go and asked for his seat I made him stand since he's made it this far and I don't want him backsliding. As I was standing above him and watching what he was doing I noticed that he stands with his thighs touching the bowl.

Me: Do want to sit because your legs touch the bowl?
Liam: Yes.
*light bulb*
Me: Honey, does your pee pee (we haven't really talked about testicles yet) touch the bowl when you pee?
Liam: Yes.

I am so sorry, little man.

Magic Moments

He writes all his own dialogue.

Resistance Is Futile

Conversations With Liam

Liam: I was being really tricky when I peed.

Me: When you peed on the carpet in the entrance way?

Liam: Yes, I was tricky.

Me: When I was watching you pee on the floor a minute after I asked you if you had to go?

Liam: Yes.

Me: Uh huh.

**Twenty minutes later

Me: Why are your underwear wet?

Liam: I peed.

Me: Where? (I just sat him on the toilet.)

Liam: Under the stairs. I was tricky. 

Me: (*@%$) 

Anniversary Sunday

A leisurely anniversary Sunday. Kinda. We're still not sure if Liam pulled his wagon downstairs or sat inside it and lowered himself down step by step. I want to believe the former. Oh, and the not so leisurely drive back to the restaurant we had dinner in last night from the diner we had breakfast in this morning to see if they had Bern's American Express. And they did.


A little walk on the beach.

Some lemonade at the farmer's market. After his first long sip he says, "Mmm, daddy, it's nice and smooth." That's right, son. Just like that 18 year old Glenfiddich we were drinking last night. WTF? Where do they come up with this stuff? And... screaming from upstairs. Now what? Ah. Somebody broke somebody else's imaginary robot. I hate it when that happens. Any point to this particular post, you ask? None whatsoever, except that if I keep typing then maybe I can delay my cooking lesson. Some people find cooking leisurely, others do not. Hmm, how about Middle Aged Woman's meme or blogart. Whatever the difference is.

I am: all man, baby. Ahahahahaha!
I think: but I try not to.
I know: an exceptional amount of useless information.
I have: a new Salman Rushdie book, The Enchantress of Florence.
I wish: my job could be eliminated so I could take a year off to spend with my kids. Hey! Wait a minute...
I hate: not being able to find the remote.
I miss: Buffy, Angel, Enterprise, Journey Man and every other show I've loved that's been cancelled.
I fear: more things than I did before I had children.
I hear: the cooling fan on my computer, the US/China basketball game, my wife talking to herself as she cooks, the boys breaking things upstairs.
I smell: suntan lotion.
I crave: attention.
I search: for salvation. No. Enlightenment? Not really. The fridge for something to eat.
I wonder: how long before Connor is taller than his mother.
I regret: je ne regrette rien.
I love: oh do I ever
I ache: in my neck because even though I am pretty relaxed about losing my job, apparently I am somewhat stressed on the inside.
I am not: 6'2 like I tell everyone who asks. I'm a smidgen under. Not a teensy bit, but a smidgen.
I believe: we are not alone.
I dance: naked under the light of the full moon. (not really)
I sing: even though I shouldn't.
I cry: yes.
I fight: myself.
I win: when my wife lets me.
I lose: but I don't stop fighting.
I never: but I always wished I had.
I always: lift my feet when I drive over railway tracks. Thanks, Mom.
I confuse: easily and often.
I listen: to my wife even though I don't always hear her. Or is that the other way around?
I can usually be found: if I want to be found.
I am scared: of you finding out what I'm scared of and using it against me. I know you, you'll do it.
I need: repeated kicks in the ass.
I am happy about: being able to be happy.
I imagine: oh yes I do.

And I'll leave you with this:

It's blurry, but that's because it was taken in a hurry and while I was laughing. This is my littlest monkey balanced on top of a railing that divides our dining room from our living room. We're in the middle of potty training and in this picture he is watching his pee roll down his legs and drip off the railing onto the floor.

Sigh.

Loss For Words

If I were a better writer I could fully describe the horror of my son's last diaper. If I were a better writer,


you would curse me for being literate.

Potty Training

Today on MetroDad:

Why does everyone freak out about potty training? Do you have any adult friends who "just never quite got the hang of it?"

Sweet Mother of all that's Holy!

I'm giving the kids their pre-bed snacks tonight (which means chasing them around the house with a cup of yogurt) when I notice Connor has disappeared. I'm not too worried since he's already had some Ovaltine and an orange. Anyway, I call his name and he tells me he's here. Thanks, could ya narrow that down for me a bit? I want to give him a bit more of the yogurt too since I'd offered him some earlier and he just took it instead of twisting his face in agony like he usually does. Quick tour of the main floor and I realize he's upstairs. Liam is already on his way up since Connor is upstairs and we have to be wherever our big brother is. Also good since now I don't have to man-handle him up there to get him ready for bed. Can't see Connor in anyone's room so I call him again and his answering voice comes from our ensuite bathroom. I start walking to the bathroom, mind already gingerly approaching the unthinkable, and sure enough, he's on the toilet. Got on all by himself to take care of some business. Sigh. I gave him a carte-blanche tomorrow. Whatever he wants, wherever he wants to go.

PS. The bathroom pic is actually at my sister's in Kamloops. It's a good picture and her bathroom is much prettier than mine.