Random Tuesday: Kinda Sorta (Come On, Tuesday's A Garbage Bag)

Dear last occupant of my house who painted what apparently was a frat house, when I figure out how this DNA resequencer works I'm going to clone you through your hair you left on the walls and painted over and then I'm going medieval on your ass. Throwing paint on a wall is not an acceptable means of getting the job done.



Did you know that if you leave half a case of ginger ale under the stairs for... a few seasons, the cans will somehow empty themselves so that when you're digging around in the Christmas ornaments for some fishing line to hang up a fuc- a model airplane you just built for your son and you finally decide to get rid of them you find empty cans that are still sealed? For reals. The cans were empty. I couldn't even hear air coming out when I squeezed them. I knew I smelled something funny down there.

Once again I missed meeting up with Tracy from Kaply Inc while visiting Seattle. She probably thinks I'm not real, a fictional character or something. Well I am fictional, but once I've collected a few more souls I'll be able to assume corporeal form and walk amongst the living again. Er, forget that last sentence. Heh. I did get to speak to her on the phone though. She didn't sound anything like I thought she would, but then she started swearing at me and the warm fuzzies came back.

Have you ever ran a piece of paper towel around the rim of a soup can or some frozen OJ? (no, I always make my soup from scratch, it's just an example (screw you!)) If you've never done it, give it a try. I guarantee you'll always do it afterwards. *dry heave*

If I lived on Pluto I'd weigh 13 pounds. If I lived on the Sun I'd weigh 5280 pounds. Hips ahoy!

Saturday we were at the Flight Museum in Seattle. They had a B-17 they were taking people up in for an extortionate amount of money. Even so, Connor has such a love of WWII aircraft we did consider it, but decided against it figuring the noise would scare the crap out of him. Towards the end of our visit I took him outside to see it take off again but it was already gone. As we stood there a jet fighter came screaming, and let me emphasize SCREAMING down the runway. At first I assumed it was an F-18 (ladies, you can tune out here) but by the time it past us I'm pretty sure the colour scheme was wrong and it was actually a Russian Mig because I thought I saw a red star on it. I say 'thought' because it was moving too fast for my eyes to relay the info to my brain. Then its nose lifted and it rocketed into the sky. I'm pretty sure Connor thought it was the harbinger of end times. Well, if he knew what that meant, anyway. I sacrificed my own hearing to save my son's by covering his ears. Sure my brain liquified, but I'm pretty sure that was the coolest part of my trip.

Bill Maher monologue on the Swine Flu. "You know how many people have died this year already from the regular normal flu flu? Lets call it the flu flu. 13,000. 13,000 people died from that. The swine flu? One. What does the flu flu have to do to get some attention, fuck a goat?"

Last 10 songs iTunes threw up while writing this:

1. Dancing In The Moonlight - Toploader
2. Come Monday - Jimmy Buffett
3. Spilt Milk - The Cure
4. Little Wing - Jimmy Hendrix
5. Swimming Pools - Thao Nguyen
6. Courage - The Tragically Hip
7. Six Months In A Leaky Boat - Split Enz
8. Everything - Michael Bublé
9. Ain't No Way - Aretha Franklin
10. Something So Strong - Crowded House

Keely's. Go, join the Dark Side.

It's Time To Go Home

Yesterday we came home from Seattle. Everybody over the age of five was ready to sleep in their own beds. Five and under? Not so much.



The last thing he said was "I don't want to go to school." You'll notice that his anguish didn't keep him from eating the brownie we'd given him to stop crying.

Seattle, It's A Honour Just To Be Nominated & So What If It's Monday?

So the Dumbasses are once again invading the Pacific Northwest this Friday, if we can make it across the border, that is. We'll be fine, but two of my wife's sisters are coming along and they look suspicious at the best of times. Maybe I should be nicer since they're paying for the hotel. Whatever, if my ass ends up in Federal lock up or Guantanamo because of them why should I be nice? Orange is not my colour. Though I wish it was. I like orange. The boys can wear orange, but they've got just enough of Supreme Leader's skin tone to get away with it.

What?

Anyway, if you're from Seattle or anywhere around there I need some suggestions for things to do if you if you have pets. I mean, children.

I got nominated for a Blogger's Choice Award! I didn't even know until I got an email from Jen at Blissfully Caffeinated and I was all, "no way" and she was like, "way" and I was like "no way" and she was "WAY!" OK, it didn't happen anything like that. I was nominated by Peggy from Stir Crazy in the Suburbs who is now an official BFF for life! Ryan from the Panic Room is going to win this one in a landslide, but I guess that's ok since he is somewhat handsome. For a man. What? Oh! That kind of hottest. Ok, that makes sense. I was wondering about that since Ryan's put on a few pounds and he had that Grizzly Adams thing going on for awhile. Either way, I want to beat somebody so if you could vote for me I'd appreciate it. Look, I'll bribe you with cute things like this:



Come on, that's gotta be worth something. Vote for Ryan too, I did.

And it's Monday.


Stop whining.

Last Week's Vacation In The Middle Of This Week's

I've received some complaints today because I haven't posted, but I'm on holiday dammit! Leave me alone. Kidding, I miss you all. I'm at home visiting family and have taken lots of pictures, but this isn't my computer so how about some pictures of last week's trip to Seattle?


America, so welcoming, but the entry requirements are strange and somewhat embarassing. What's with this?

Arriving at the Flight Museum. Connor's head is just about to explode.

Connor and Liam collapse numbed, their heads have already blown off so they're not really sure what to do now.

I was the only one able to look up for this shot and not fall over because of the optical illusion caused by the clouds passing over the Needle.

Supreme Leader overcomes her fear of heights out of love for her children.

But decides it's safer to stay away from the edge.

The boys.


And now I gotta go. We're currently visiting Nana and Grampa in the sprawling metropolis of Barriere, BC. Shopping, casinos, five star dining, don't be jealous. We're going for a hike out in the sticks and I'm holding everybody up. Later peeps.

MAKE SURE YOU STOP BY TOMORROW AND MONDAY!!! More guest posters! More excitement! More! More! More!

Money Shot

Any vacation you take, regardless of how many photographs you take, there's always at least one keeper, one that makes up for the thousand other terrible ones. Here's mine.


We had a great weekend in Seattle and once I've sufficiently recovered I'll tell you all about it. I think I've picked up some type of genetically enhanced bio-weapon virus that simultaneously attacks either end of my spine. Or maybe it's just having my children jump off couches and chairs onto my back too often? Nah, I'm going to stick to the weaponized virus. Sounds cooler.

Only two regrets from the weekend. One, I had a chance to meet Tracy from Kaply, Inc in person but it didn't happen. Exhaustion and a terrible events coordinator (who has since been fired) screwed things up. Oh, and the virus. Two, I wanted to get a big Obama/Biden sign for my front yard. It's election day here in Canadaland and I wanted to show my opinion of the fine choices I have to lead my country. Oh well, somebody would have just stolen it anyway. I'll just stick some names in a hat and let the kids pick one. (Joking) (maybe. It's not a bad idea...)

A great big thank you to Jennifer for posting for me yesterday. Next time you're in Starbucks, buy yourself a pumpkin spice latte and pretend it's from me.

Connor and Liam go to America

After a long and hellish week we woke up bright and early Saturday morning and headed off to Seattle but this time we brought the boys. We'd been pumping them up all week (not to mention using it as blackmail) about the big surprise they'd be getting on Saturday. The zoo! And no offense to the Greater Vancouver Zoo, or whatever it's called, but a real zoo.

Morning started out well. Kids got up ok, no problems with breakfast, no delays, nice weather, traffic was good and the radio said the border line-ups were only 40 minutes long. Now I know what you're thinking, now everything goes to hell, right? No. I thought it was going to though. Got to the border and the guy in front of us gets flagged. Then the guy in the lane beside us gets flagged too. Then the motorcycle beside him. It wasn't looking good. We get waved ahead, guard takes our id's, asks the usual questions. Then the guard asks Bern if she was born in Thailand. Bern says yes, then quickly corrects herself and says Laos. Then he says something in Thai. I sit there grinning stupidly, silently begging Bern to answer the man. Forget all the other official questions, this is the real test. Finally Bern gets what he's saying, which is apparently papaya salad (her family says it differently being that they're from different region). Now we're all best buddies because with Bern's people, EVERYTHING is about food. Whatever, off we went.

The zoo was great and super easy to get to. Once you get in there are paths that go off to the left or right. Straight ahead is a mock up of a Masai village. You go into the little school and the far wall opens up to this huge field where antelope, giraffe's, and zebra's are wandering around. What does Liam want to look at? A duck swimming in a pond below the school. Buddy! That's a freaking giraffe over there eating that tree! Zebra's! Come on. A duck?

Connor was not impressed by anything. All he cared about was getting to the lions. After which he just wanted to go home. Until they found the penguins. That was different. Penguins! PENGUINS!!!



Anyway, that was the day. All in all the boys were pretty good. Would have been nice if they'd fallen asleep on the ride home, but there were no real tantrums. Now came the part of the day I'd been dreading, trying to get back into FORTRESS CANADA. If you read the blog on our last trip you'll understand why. This time the only thing we'd bought was $13.97 worth of stuffed animals, and I'd much rather face the wrath of Customs than two cranky over-tired little boys. Things were looking good when we got there. There was barely a line up at all and the guards weren't stopping anybody. And the reason they weren't stopping anybody? It was 10 to 8, shift change. We're not that lucky though. Eight o'clock and the new guard showed up before we made it through. I was sure we'd get flagged because of our last trip, but the guy only took our id and asked us the usual questions. Felt like we were getting away with something when he waved us through. Hee hee!

A Tale of Two Border Guards, Or our trip to Seattle

US Border Guard after taking Bern's citizenship card and both our driver's license's:Can I see your proof of citizenship?
Me: Huh? Mine?
USBG: Yes, yours.
Me: I don't have one. (In my head: Ok, I get why you're asking Goldilocks here, but come on, where the hell do you think I'm from?)
USBG: Where were you born?
Me: Burnaby (North Korea, hee hee)
USBG: Fine. Go ahead.

Eight hours later after giving the same documentation to a Canadian Border Guard.
CBG: Do you have a proof of citizenship or a valid passport.
Me: No.
CBG: THEN HOW DID YOU GET IN. YOU HAVE TO HAVE A CITIZENSHIP CARD TO GET IN.
ME: I don't know. (It's kinda redundant isn't it, dumbass? I just drove up to your booth from the United States.)
CBG (Knowing what I am thinking and getting more pissed off): HOW LONG WAS YOUR VISIT?
Me: Just today.
CBG: DID YOU PURCHASE ANYTHING WHILE YOU WERE THERE?
Me: Yes, we bought some clothes and stuff.
CBG: WHAT IS THE VALUE OF YOUR PURCHASES?
Me: About $250.
CBG: CAN I SEE YOUR RECEIPTS?
Me: Sure.
CBG: THIS IS $330, YOU SAID $250.
Me: I was guessing.
CBG: DO YOU KNOW YOU HAVE A LEGAL OBLIGATION TO DECLARE THE EXACT TOTAL OF GOODS YOU BRING INTO THE COUNTRY?
Me: No. Sorry.
CBG: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THIS IS SERIOUS?
Me: I do now.
CBG: YOU VISITED FOR LESS THAN 24 HOURS, WE COULD SEIZE ALL OF YOUR PURCHASES. (He's furiously scribbling on his notepad) PARK IN FRONT OF THIS BUILDING AND TAKE THIS INSIDE.
Me: Ok, bye. (It's Saturday night, buddy, get some, please.)

$45 in duty and a stern lecture from a saucy minx of a border guard lady. Mmm...nothing says sexy like body armour.