Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Random Tuesday: Out Here We Is Stoned, Immaculate


Random Tuesday! Go to Keely's, grab a button, spew forth!

Ok, is it just me or is the interblob a little dead the last few days? Or have I been blacklisted and I'm just the last to know? Would you tell me? Is it because I haven't been visiting lately? Because I try, honest. I've been busy. Reading blogs, writing blogs, writing stories, working on the house, working out, TV, books, kids, yadda yadda yadda. There aren't enough hours in the day. Hell, even the Wii is on my ass.

Fuck you, Wii Fit!

We picked up a new bath mat a couple of weeks ago. It is the single most softest thing I've ever touched. Can they make whole carpets out of that stuff? Bed sheets? Speaking of beds, why don't the make dog beds for humans? Who wouldn't want to sleep in one of those?

A couple of weeks ago my sister and brother-in-law went to Cancun for a week. I drove them to the airport in their car since the luggage was already there. My sister told me I could use it during the week which was sweet since we only have one vehicle. The next day, right before I was going to take the kids out for a play date, Supreme Leader noticed that the insurance had expired over a week before.
Mountie: Sir, I've pulled you over because your insurance has expired. License and registration, please.
Me: Uh, funny thing, officer, this is my sister's car.
Mountie: Are you ***** ******?
Me: No. Like I was saying, this is my sister's car...
Mountie: Who's children are these?
Me: Mine.
Mountie: They don't look like you.
Me: My wife is Asian.
Connor (lips trembling): We don't know this man.
Mountie: Step out of the car now.

What the hell does this mean? <3 Seriously, all I see are boobs. Or an ass.

Conversation with Connor while I rubbed his back as he lay on my lap on the bathroom floor waiting to see if there was anything left in his stomach he wanted to puke out.
Connor: Why are you rubbing my bum?
Me: I'm hoping a genie will pop out.

Conversation with Liam after he was sent to bed for... something.
Liam: I'm going to get this blanket and then I'm going to pick my nose and then I'm going to rub boogers on it!
Me: But it's your blanket.

Ten in a row from iTunes while I was writing this:

1. Sarah McLachlan - Stupid
2. The Doors - The Wasp (Texas Radio And The Big Beat) *This song is 4:16 of quotes, in fact, I think I'll use one for the title of this post*
3. The Last Town Chorus - Modern Love
4. Soundgarden - Black Hole Sun
5. Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers - American Girl
6. David Usher - Alone In The Universe
7. Tom Waits - Roxanne (Moulin Rouge)
8. Sigur Ros - Med Sud I Eyrum
9. Tom Jones - It's Not Unusual (I feel like throwing my panties)
10. Santogold - L.E.S. Artists

Conversation with wife after returning home with a prime rib.
Supreme Leader: I got a good piece of meat.
Me: You sure did.

What? She left the door open.


  1. You're a funny, funny man.

    Yep we blacklisted you, you've become suspicious far sooner than we thought.

    You've illustrated exactly why I managed to take a bathmat to the gym instead of a towel.

    Gags like that last one get me in trouble, I don't bother any more.

  2. Hahahah! Okay I went to Keely's. Check.
    Copied your Itunes list(Coz if you like black hole sun I will respect your other choices in music too)
    Left comment to show you some interblob love then. Check.
    Oh how did I miss the fact that you have a sis who blogs?

  3. The Doors and Soundgarden. You aiight, no matter what the other people say about you.

    Good luck with that genie. And yes, SL left the door open with that meat remark.

  4. OMG, if I didn't have a job ... and was independantly wealthy, I'd probably come do your wii fit stuff for ya ...



  5. She completely left the door open. That is hilarious!

    I noticed the interweb black out thing too. Maybe we have both been black listed.

  6. It's you, it's definitely you.

    Also, you need to bitch slap your Wii Fit.

  7. I have noticed people not being around either Captain so I dont think its you.

    I love Moulin Rouge! (You now I said that cause you had that on your playlist, not cause I am totally insane)

  8. Hilarious dude. Totally HILARIOUS! I don't even know where to begin...

    The conversation with the mountie had me peeing myself. And the genie out the bum-LOVE IT! I hope your son appreciated as much as we did. And I hope he didn't puke again. yuck.

  9. <3...don't men even see boobs and ass in a straight line?

  10. Oh man your kids are hilarious. I wish they had their own show. I think it's time you shipped them off to Hollywood. Just put them out on Hollywood Blvd. holding that pee in the potty for M&M's sign and they will have their own show inside of an hour.

    So funny.

  11. I've been here at the interblob the whole time...standing here, what?

    Yes I have a drink in my hand. Yes, it's 7am... what?

    Is someone going to ask me to dance or what?

    Damn, this party is lame...

  12. Awesome iPod 10. "American Girl" is probably my fave TP song, though it's kinda hard for to choose.
    So was the treasured bath mat there when you were with your son in the bathroom? Far be it for me to make any suggestions (ha!), but there's always curling up on that sucker. What? I get lazy sometimes.

  13. When will your kids get their own blog? Iwant to hear their views and opinions on living with you and supreme leader.

    She, by the way, completely ealked into that. As a wife, I never use the words "piece of meat" in any manner, in front of my husband. If I do, I deserve the outcome.

    <3...is a sideways heart, as in

    I <3 This Blog

    I spend too much time with middle school girls, only reason I know this stuff.

  14. I feel you.

    About a week or so ago, I was making Pancakes and Sausage for dinner. Decadent, I know.

    So I turn to the Mrs and ask...wait for it....

    "Want some of my Sausage?"

    She didn't think it was as funny as I did.

  15. The what if scenario with Connor ratting you out? Totally something I would do. And John would then look at me cross-eyed.

  16. Ugh...boys and their boogers!!!

  17. I thought dog beds were for people too. This news puts last Saturday night in a different light for me.

  18. I could see getting yanked from the car, those mounties don't mess around. The kids screaming he kidnapped us! Kids know just when to play the naughty card don't they?
    You feel like throwing your panties at Tom Jones? That is certainly interesting and perhaps, yes, you have been black listed because of it.

  19. was the mountie on a horse? just do not understnad canada.....
    this interblob loves ya, i just deleted my blog roll by accident...

  20. Man vs. Woman.

    Man: all I see are boobs or ass.
    Woman: I heart you! :)

  21. I don't know what <3 means, either. I don't think it has anything to do with boobs, though. Or maybe it does. Hell, I don't know.

  22. Apparently I need a new bath mat. I would never blacklist you - how would I learn these things otherwise?

  23. Oh, man. Good piece of meat? Genie's popping out of your son's bum?

    You're on a roll my man. And I ain't talking buttered.

  24. Well you know what I am thinking about the blacklisted thing. Oh and the Mountie scenario, pure genius.

    <3 is supposed to be a heart...how the hell did you get an ass out of that?

  25. I definitely enjoyed that.

    Just like a good piece of meat.

    Happy Random Tuesday.

    (And blog land does seem a bit slow these days - I thought it was just me.)

  26. Good prime rib talk...signs of a healthy marriage.

  27. You get an assload of comments and you are wondering what is up with everyone? I hear you though, it has been quiet the past few days. Try getting my 3 comments. LOL!

    Thankfully you were one of those few kind souls. I love you man!!

  28. I have come to realize that your random thoughts DO have a vaguely discernible pattern...they are always brilliant, hilarious, and they always make me wish I was a better writer! Congrats to SL for taking the easy shot!

  29. Why are you rubbing my butt?

    funny stuff

  30. Very nice conversation replays. Whether or not they occurred in your head is irrelevant. I'm surprised you didn't take "Mountie" out of context and run with it.

    Funny piece of meat!

  31. That was you who stole my car.....bastard...and we were in the Mayan Rivera, about 1 1/2 from Cancun....get your facts straight man.....see ya in a few days

  32. I've been feeling the economic blog downturn as well. In my case, it's sick kids and shiznit keeping me away. It's not you, it's me.

    My Wii Fit has given me shit about Jamie too, dunno what it's problem is but I don't like it.

    Uhm, what the fuck is a mountie?

  33. Checked out the She/He thing but commenting on this because I haven't thought of that Doors songs in years and now I have it going through my head and I love it! And what an interesting playlist you have -- Tom Jones was completely unexpected, I must say but I love him.

    And Wii Fit ... well, the first time it showed me my real Mii, let's just say I lost my love for it.

    As far as <3 -- I see an ice cream cone.

  34. There has been a down surge in blogging and commenting. I was starting to think it was me. I've been a little raunchy lately.

  35. Like Mo said, You are one funny man! You make me laugh just about every day. That's why we <3 you.

  36. ROFLMAO! Knock it off-I snorted Coke (Classic) and almost peed my pants! Love, love the conversations with your kids!

  37. <3 is supposed to be a heart. I looked up all those stupid symbols when my daughter started texting her boyfriend 346 times a day. It didn't look like a heart to me....

    Tom Jones? Are you really a 65 year old lady with fake nails and a poofy hair do? Do you eat dinner at 4:30 in the afternoon and have plastic wrap on your furniture? Do you wear 'slacks' and those little nylons that don't reach higher than your kankle?

    Okay I'm done now.

  38. I'd say the interwebs have been particularly dead for several weeks. As for me? I've been studying when I'm not working. Giant time suck.

  39. so u too are being ignored. Here,
    I cleaned up my blog for all the people who were supposed to visit,
    and what, nothing.
    What have we done wrong, and how
    did they find out?

    Feel free to use the puppy's dog
    bed while you're up here!
    Do you feel that you were deprived
    as a child, not having soft bathroom mats. Ah, maybe if you and your brother had better aim, we might have had one.

    ok everyone, start paying attention to Cpt. Dumbass, he
    misses u all.

  40. black hole sun you broke the wii
    and now you have to pee

    i am feeling very blustery this morning and you are a good piece of meat

  41. Isn't boobs and butt all men ever see? This post had it all. Boobs, butts, boogers and meat.

  42. I agree it's been kind of quiet around. Must be Braja's departure for who knows where. . .

    Could she be sending bad karma our way????

  43. I don't think it's you; I'm seeing very little action in the blogosphere too.

    At least you are still getting visited by the late great Irish Gumbo. Count your blessings.

  44. Hey Captain!

    That was just plain funny man...funny!


  45. LOL, I was laughing so hard at work someone asked if I was ok.
    Be careful about wanting a genie, something else might pop out instead.

  46. You are hilarious! That is awesome that you call your wife Supreme Leader. I wish I had a snazzy title.


Come on, sailor. I love you long time.