Dear Connor, today is your first day of school. You don't know it yet, but your carefree life is about to change in a hurry. Gone are the days of lazing about the house, wandering from the Wii to the computer to whatever toy holds your fancy today and back to the tv for the latest Pixar fave. You're entering the real world now. Peer pressure, bullies, ADHD and prescription meds... girls. Academia is full of some crazy motherfuckers, son, and you need to be prepared. Sure I could have spent this weekend throwing cash around on new clothes and shoes and all the other back to school crap, but instead I made you something with my own two hands. Something you can really use, something that could save your life. Now I'm not suggesting you shank anybody before you even get to grade one, but the shit ever hits the fan, you know daddy's still got your back. You wave your little Piglet shiv around to the right people, let them know who's who. This ain't pre-school, hon, this is kindergarten. You're in the big leagues now. Make me proud.
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Cap'n Connor got a mean lookin' weapon. Kick some ass, kiddo.
ReplyDeleteHe's bound to be the most popular kid in class. Awe. Seriously, big day!
ReplyDeleteHave him keep the shiv in his lunchbox and pretend it's there to cut the crust off of his sandwich. No one will ever be the wiser.
ReplyDeleteYay for Conner and being a big kid now! I seriously am considering a shank for LaLa when we move to England. I don't think she would use it, but it would be peace of mind for me.
ReplyDeleteSooo...how much do you charge for a custom made shiv? $5? $10? I can't go higher than that.
ReplyDeleteWell, he'll have no problems whatsoever with his Piglet shiv.
ReplyDeleteAwesome.
sweeet! When I was in school, they banned Bic pens because we made deadly shish kabob stick shooting contraptions that were a threat to eyes and ears. It was awesome. I'll have to post a HowTo sometime.
ReplyDeleteConnor can handle it, he's got
ReplyDeleteparents who really care...even if
they sound a little weird.
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You made a shiv out of a pink plastic Piglet knife. Might want to bring that up with your therapist next session.
ReplyDeleteI might want to use it on you when I'm supervising you as you make dinner tonight.
Ok, ok. So I didn't really give him the shiv. Looks pretty good though, right? Connor was NOT HAPPY AT ALL with school today. Pre-school he ran in without a second glance at mommy. Not so much today. Oh well.
ReplyDeleteAw. I came over to write something snarky but now I just feel for your little guy. Tomorrow will be better.
ReplyDeleteDamn you, Canada! Damn you and all your socialized medicine and bears! You do have bears, right? I. Just. Posted. Ha!
Oh you are funny. Sending your child to school with a shank? Well, I guess you can never be *too* prepared!
ReplyDelete"Academia is full of some crazy motherfuckers, son, and you need to be prepared."
ReplyDeleteOh, that someone would have given me this speech!
Don't you think a Tigger shiv would have been a little more badass?
jen: something snarky? And yes, we have bears. Lots of bears. Would you like some?
ReplyDeletemekhismom: exactly
jett: Tigger only came in a fork and there was just something about a pink shiv. Too bad I don't have a daughter.
My nephew has that same shiv. He's working on making the tigger spoon into one too.
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