Conan O'Brien Does Beastie Boys Sabotage As Edith Bunker

Beating

This evening, after being jail beaten, kneed in the groin and pummelled with a plastic bowling pin, I curled into a fetal position on the living room floor and surrendered to a merciless coughing fit. Connor knelt down by my side, gently lifted my head and said, "Daddy, I think you have a bad cold. Let's destroy the enemy." I was overcome by a wave of emotions. Love of my first born's concern for my health. Confusion and dismay over the insane sentences that come out of his mouth. And finally fear, fear that for the last fifteen minutes I had been the enemy and my monkey torture wasn't finished.

No mercy for the weak.

A Different Take On New Year's

From Geese Aplenty:

I am very tired of people wishing me “Happy New Year.” I find it to be completely insensitive, and highly indicative of the kind of ethnocentrism that runs rampant in American society. My cultural background does not lead me to acknowledge the typical calendar year, because my family bloodline can be traced back to ancient Sumeria, and also the Phoencian civilization, and also the Ixil tribe in Guatemala. Therefore, my family celebrates our new year not by watching Dick Clarke or wearing ridiculous and humiliating hats, but by paying honor to the ritual sacrifice of virgins as a way of giving thanks to our Gods.

Go here to keep reading.

BAKA!!!

Was Liam really screaming 'idiot' at me in Japanese this morning, or was it just a random sound embodying his hatred of me for daring to brush his teeth?

Liam

Hello Liam,

That is a picture of you and your brother sharing a strawberry milkshake at the White Spot on New Year's Day 2008 and this, if all goes well, will be the first entry in a book about you. I had started a sort of scrap book thingy for your brother before he was born but I eventually gave up because I kept forgetting to update it. I had planned to do the same thing for you but never even got started. Just took too much time that I didn't have then. When I started your brother's book we didn't have a digital camera so I would have to wait until we got the pictures developed, then paste them into the book, write something, so on and so on. Doing it in a blog will be much easier.

You are two years old now. Which will also make this whole process easier since both you and Connor can be left on your own to play now and don't need constant supervision. Well, except when I have to come break up a fight or stop you from doing something dangerous. Which is most of the time. Ok, so this will probably be done either early in the morning before work or later at night after you've gone to bed.

You are a very entertaining little boy right now. You've learned everything twice as fast as Connor because you've had him to copy. Which would be great if that just meant walking and talking, but it also means all the bad stuff too. You get angry at the drop of a hat but at the same time you never forget to say "good-bye" to people or "good night" to Connor before bed. Connor, unfortunately, has to be prompted to say the same. And you are SO effectionate. You do these special little hugs where you're actually squeezing us and patting us with your hands. You won't really get this until you have children of your own, but trust me, when it happens you'll know what I'm talking about. It's the best feeling in the world yet at the same time it breaks my heart because I know it won't last. You'll get older and those hugs will come less and less. Probably the reason I try and hold you and your brother so much now and don't mind carrying either of you when you ask.

Ok, so this is the first entry. Haven't decided how I'll update, once a month, every three months, whenever you do something crazy? We'll see.

Connor

Hello Connor,

This is you and your brother sharing a strawberry milk shake at the White Spot on New Year's Day 2008. Hopefully, if all goes to plan, you'll be reading this from a book I plan to make for you. I had started one for you way back in October of 2003, before you were even born, but that didn't work out so well. It seemed like a fun idea, but writing things down in a big book and adding pictures and things was a lot easier before you were born. Afterwards I just kept forgetting to update it and eventually gave up. Tried to start one for your brother too but all I managed to do for his was buy the book. Anyway, writing to you this way, in a blog I can access anywhere, is much easier. We'll see what happens. Oh, and your auntie Dizzy is going to scan the original book for me. I'll add it in here once I get it.

So, this is you on the first day of 2008. You are four years old. We're having lunch at the White Spot which is your favourite restaurant because of the macaroni. Macaroni is your favourite food. Either Kraft or White Spot, but not your mother's. I think she's gotten over it though. Your second favourite food is spaghetti carbonara which you call white spaghetti. Aside from that, unless its a cookie or candy of some sort, you hate all food. Your brother will eat practically anything, you, you are difficult.

You've also got some anger management "issues" right now. I don't know if it's something to do with being four or its just you, but your anger is a big part of you at the moment. Liam is more like me when he's upset. He gets really mad and then its over and forgotten. You are more like my dad and brother and your auntie Dizzy. You hold onto that anger and don't let go. Hopefully its just a phase and not something we've done to mess up your head. Well, we're working on it anyway. That and stopping you from becoming a couch potato. You are an inside boy. Whenever we suggest going out for a walk its like we've invited you out to the doctor's for rabies shots.

Anyway, that's you on the first day of 2008.

New Year's Day

Happy New Year's all. Hope you all enjoyed yourselves, whatever you did. Pretty quiet here. Glass of wine and Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Hmm, speaking of wine, don't mind if I do. Thanks. Had planned on a bigger post this morning, but after the agony of cutting the boys' hair, going to the mall to pick up Bern's glasses and doing laundry as a means of avoiding the monstrous list of clean-up that needs doing, I'm exhausted.





Hmm... oh ya, resolutions. That's what everybody always wants to know. Let's see...

1. Fitness - I won't waste anybody's time by saying I'm going to get in shape for 2008. Whatever. What I will say is that I am GOING to be healthier. I'll try to exercise when I can. I will try to eat better. I will try and overcome my aversion to fruits and vegetables. I WILL avoid shit food. As in food packed with things that I can barely pronounce let alone have ever heard of.

2. Work on my communication skills - HAAhahahahahahaha! But seriously, I think I've become a bit of a recluse with my family and within my own head. Time to open up this chicken coop and shovel out some shit.

3. Writing - I've found, especially with this blog, that I really enjoy writing. It's fun and therapeutic so I think I'm going to do more of it. I've actually started writing a couple of short stories which will probably suck, but hey, the more I write, maybe the better I'll get. Hey, it can't be all that bad, you're still here and I've got my stat counter to prove it.

4. Um... that's enough for one year. Besides I still have start/finish every little fix it job in the house, finish my tattoo, figure out how to juggle school for two kids in a city that neither of us work in with only one car, explore new career opportunities and drastically reduce my debt load. It's enough.

What are you going to do? Seriously. Leave me a comment.