Thursday, March 11, 2010

Toyota and My Knees

Last week, while laying on the couch, broken and exhausted after being brutally beaten playing with my small children, I turned on the TV to watch some news. The lead story showed the head of Toyota groveling before Congress about all the recent safety problems with their cars and apologizing profusely, blah blah blah. As I lay there in a pool of sweat and pain, wondering whether I could defibrillate myself, a question occurred to me. Where is the recall on my body?

Where is my media outcry? Where is my legal team? I'm the victim of some seriously shoddy workmanship here and I want some answers. I want the president and CEO of whoever put this thing together sitting before my congressional committee and sweating. Profusely.

Suspension and Power Train. I have the knees of an octogenarian. An octogenarian marathon runner/mogul skier. What's up with that? Ok, sure I was hard on them and all those horrendous bike crashes in my youth didn't help, but come on, you have to design for that kind of wear and tear. That's like building a 4x4 that can't drive off road.

Chassis. My lower back feels like I've spent my life hauling rocks out of a mine by hand. Again, yes, some of that is my own fault, but it's not like I really have been working in a mine. I need this back for a long time to come and it's not like I can replace it.

Carburetor/Air Filters. My immune system? Thanks to El NiƱo and global warming we had unusually warm weather this year and everything has been blooming for weeks now, which means my seasonal allergies started in February. February. So I now have about eight months of runny nose to look forward too, and somebody needs to answer for that.

I'm thirty-nine years old and I have a new baby on the way in four months. Another boy. I've already had a black eye, chipped teeth and innumerable shots to the groin from my four and six year old and now I've got another one to defend myself against? I don't have time to joke around anymore about being a fat couch potato, if I don't get in shape now those kids are going to bury me. How am I supposed to do that with this body? I need upgrades. I need replacements. I need answers.

My pack eat their own, and I can't run that fast.

76 comments:

  1. I cannot believe you stole an octogenarian's knees. Octogenarians often struggle with hips and knees so to find one with good knees and steal their best asset, that is simply criminal.

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  2. I ADORE the analogy! I too have aches and pains and shooting pinched nerve beauties. I don't have kids ... so I can tell you I don't envy you, and I don't know HOW you do it!!!

    Blessings!

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  3. weeehh...heeee..hawwhhnn....that there was the smallest violin in the world playing just for you! Why you cry? When you are in such a state of decrepit and need sympathy?? Because if shit is blooming in Canada & you're having a warm spell...YOU are the reason it's still f'n FREEZING here in la Sarthe...you stole my Spring and we have your winter...I want it back, then I'll play nice!!!

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  4. You bloody wuss....you want pain? I'll give ya pain....

    :)

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  5. I am a little bit in love with you and your writing...;0

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  6. I suffer from bad knees and shoddy workmanship too. I feel your pain. Literally. I have a subluxing patella (floating knee cap) that happened at a very good (up until that point) Halloween party when I was in college. Where was my warranty?
    As for the allergies, oh, good golly, am I with you. They tested me a few years ago with 104 allergen pricks on my back. 97 of them flared positive. It was horrible. HORRIBLE! I have found that a Neti Pot works miracles though (in addition to the 8 bazillion drugs my doctors have me on). If you don't have one of those, get one. Use it. It's disgusting (but think of the blog fodder!) though you'll feel so much better afterward.
    BTW, suck it Toyota. This is why I won't drive Asian cars. I'm European cars all the way.

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  7. yep...my legs feel like lead weights this morning after toting boy on shoulders up part of the mountain...i understand...

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  8. Buck up, young person. Do what must be done. ...then have a drink.

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  9. Sorry Dude. I think after age 18 the warranty runs dry. You're on your own. Unless of course you purchased the extended warranty which requires you have a personal relationship with Jenny Craig and that you regularly attend a gym.

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  10. Sounds like you are an old 'beater' car. They will keep using you until your engine or transmission goes. Then you are off to the junk yard.

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  11. You need to kick it in gear my friend. If they can do that at six, imagine the damage when they're teenagers.

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  12. I am literally laughing out loud here, and I feel damn guilty about it because of your aches and pains.

    You are a magnificent writer!!

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  13. Congrats on your upcoming new arrival and just prepare yourself, it will only get worse. As a mother to four boys the painful beating you described sounds all to familiar. I watch as my husband lays in the floor, playing bucking horse, and running around with his shirt over his face screaming like a monster, getting "arrested" by the boys and being beat like Rodney King and I don't envy him one bit! :) Rest up Captain, sounds like it's only just begun! Enjoy your weekend!

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  14. You didn't spring for the extended warranty did you? It's right up there with take your vitamins and change your underwear everyday. Buy the extended Body warranty.

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  15. I feel your pain.... Well, sort of. I mean I only have two kids (none on the way) and I have girls and really there aren't alot of groin injuries while playing with dress up dolls, playing school, or putting on a fashion show. But I too have crappy knees (from years and years playing sports), and most days I need lots of Motrin to be able to move in the morning. If you figure out how to get all the pieces parts fixed you let me know.

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  16. I was all done with that lower back pain. I figured you could use a little more empathy with S.L., so I sent it your way.

    P.S. That's why we had our kids when we were in our twenties.

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  17. Right there with you. If you ever find out where the recall and replacements are, let me know.

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  18. It's only a 20-year warranty. Didn't you read the fine print?

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  19. You should move to the US and enjoy our healthier lifestyle and better, cheaper healthcare.

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  20. Blah, blah, blah, I'm whining and need to teach my 4 year old to fetch beer for Daddy, blah, blah, blah.

    Get some Advil and man up.

    ps- totally stealing your last line.

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  21. Well the snow today should help the allergies. I got nothing about the body - mine packed it in years ago and all my physio tells me is to exercise. Does getting up to manually change the television count as exercise??? If it does I could always hide the remote.

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  22. I bet your blaming those tears on your alergies too, huh?

    Just kidding. ;)

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  23. For a 13 year old girl you ARE in remarkedly bad shape.

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  24. Look at the bright side, by the time your boys reach their teens, the physical stress lessens.

    Then they start messing with your head.

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  25. "That's like building a 4x4 that can't drive off road" You've just described half the people and most of the cars in Los Angeles - Nice!

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  26. fabulous analogy - it works on every level...now get up and get your potato butt into a pilates or yoga class....

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  27. I need a new paint job and, after nursing two wild bearcub boys, some new headlights.

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  28. I hope you have nice plot picked out.

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  29. Oh my god, if you find someone to help you out with the upgrade, please let me know! I went for a walk on Tuesday and I am still sore. A WALK.

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  30. At least you don't have to worry about sudden unwanted acceleration!

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  31. Oh my gosh! I loved this post, I laughed all the way through it, and then laughed even harder when I saw Andy's comment

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  32. Gawd. You poor old thing. Go see a chiropractor and get a massage.

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  33. Ha! Yeah me too!

    Next life I'm coming back as a Honda...sorry I mean Jaguar

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  34. Don't worry. You only have to last until 2012...

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  35. Yeah, you're starting a little late. Parenthood is a young man's sport. Ask my husband. He's a broken down shell of the man he was. Oh wait, was I supposed to write something to brighten your day?

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  36. Aw, come on. Man up! The next one has four months to think up a new strategy while his brothers continue to wear you down. :-)

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  37. It is very scary that I could have written the same post...and I am older than you so congratulations, it does NOT get any better!

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  38. you're killing me!! i've been laughing so hard since i started at the top, you really are a great writer though. kinda made me think of my favorite author as soon as i started reading.

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  39. Just going to put this out there... you're 39? I had no idea. I thought you were, like, 33. And, this is the best post you've written in a while. It cracked me up. Thanks, because now I can't stop coughing.

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  40. Wow, I couuld have wrote this...
    My knees ache when I walk for any amount of time longer than 10 minutes. That's not long enough.

    I have a pinched nerve and sit all day for my job so sometimes the left side of my ass goes numb.

    I sneeze at least 12 times during work hours. Each time, I have to hear someone say "bless you" and then eventually it becomes "oh, you poor thing", and then "are you okay??" Annnoying. It's EVERY day-can we just pretend it doesn't happen? Thanks.

    I am about 98 years old in this body. Mentally I'm 21.

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  41. You're doomed brother.

    And Congress isn't going to help you either.
    Good luck.

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  42. You are a *victim*. You need to sue the ass off somebody. And fast.

    Ellie

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  43. The new models are really nice with very slick GPS systems. Hope the wife doesn't trade up.

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  44. You're having a baby so at least you know your zoom zoom zoom is in working order. Wait, never mind, that's Nissan.

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  46. Speaking of 4X4, I've been thinking. What's the difference between AWD and 4WD? Sounds exactly the same to me, the girl who drives an 11-year old sensible volvo sedan. With no recall, I might add. No comment on my anatomy. But 2 words for you mi amigo: groin guard.

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  47. Isn't it funny...or perhaps sad, that so many that commented felt that you were describing them. You have to count me in as one of those too.

    This was delightful...sad but delightful...okay, delightfully sad.

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  48. OMG shut your whining, I have already had 5 knee surgeries, I currently have a fractured elbow and I am NOWHERE near your age...you whining bitch, I should come over there and slap you around a bit. Wow my anger management is really paying off. Love you!

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  49. Hang in there, man. Use the oil can on those knees & go see Repo Men

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  50. Great post, thanks for making my day :)

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  51. I am including this in the next edition of Festival of The Fathers. Expect to see it on Sunday.

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  52. This was great! I share your thoughts sometimes when analyzing the make and model of myself

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  53. Love it! Laughing at my computer screen.

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  54. Your writing style is fantastic, always keeps my attention. Hope you feel better soon!

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  55. Just love it. Your posts make me smile.

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  56. Thankfully, all I really need is a lube job.

    Heh.

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  57. I just found your blog! Thanks for the laugh

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  58. Not only are the parts rusting and failing, the paint job is fading. After 10 years of paiting the exterior, I decided to let the paint job go. Yep, I am going salt and pepper and I am only 41. But, I say, what the hell! Age gracefully, if not painfully! :) Hang in there.

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  59. I am new at blogging, but not new at pain, needing bondo, paint jobs, and overhauling. Thank you for the needed laughs. Sorry at your expense. ha ha! A few more years the price at the scrape yard HAS to go up.

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  60. I feel your pain. Well, no, really I feel my pain. I blame my rusty knees on twinkies, and one or two extra pounds. They say babies keep you young...good luck with that!

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  61. *side stepping away from the crazy man who dares to challenge his Creator..."

    Careful of the lightening, dude. Seriously. :)

    Okay so that reminds me of a joke:

    Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

    Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"

    God said, "Ah, yes."

    "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.

    1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
    2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
    3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
    4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. And finally,
    5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."

    "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

    The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

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  62. I feel like that and I'm in my 20s. Oh car accidents...

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  63. OYG! Your List is too long already, do not wait until your third Child arrives!
    Find your Warranty Card & ask the Retailer if you still got free 'maintenance, repair and operations' for your Model! ;)

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  64. Please state all complaints here. ;)
    http://www.abadss.com/photos/data/509/Complaint-Department.jpg

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  65. This is one of my favorite posts of yours. You are so cute.

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  66. The analogy you use with car and body-priceless and so true.

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  67. Yeah, you're screwed. I was just thinking about my warranty being up and my parts are failing too. Great minds. It sucks.

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  68. I think after age 18 the warranty runs dry. You're on your own. Unless of course you purchased the extended warranty which requires you have a personal relationship with Jenny Craig and that you regularly attend a gym.

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  69. Wow,I can't believe that you have stole an octogenarian's knees.This is one of my favorite posts of yours. You are so cute.thanx for sharing.

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  70. Well, I blame my rusty knees on twinkies, and one or two extra pounds.

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Come on, sailor. I love you long time.