Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Dumbass: The Blue Period

I wasn't always a SAHD, I used to be an acclaimed artist. Studied in Paris, the whole bit. Go ahead, click on that bad boy and drink it in, I'll wait.

$150,000 and it's yours. Well, you'll also have to pay for the wall to be replaced in my son's room.

Today was our second day of painting and I'm still only doing the prep work. That room has a lot of corners. Liam wanted to help out again so I stripped him down to his skivvies and gave him a brush. Then I told him for the hundredth time to stay away from the paint can. Then I stepped down off the foot stool and knocked a gallon of paint over. It's important to teach by example. Good thing I put a tarp down yesterday when I decided to let the kids help. Good thing that paint is thick enough that you can scoop it up and pour it back into the can. I think there's a bit of dirt in there from the tarp now, but whatever, it's not my room.

Anyway, it gave me an idea for a post today. A post and a contest. Don't ask how I got to the idea, because that was like ten hours ago and I didn't have a pen. Yes, I had a paint brush and paint, smart ass, you're disqualified now. So I have this big... mostly blank wall.

So here's the contest: Whatever you want on that wall (until I paint over it) and I post it here. Anything you want. Pimp your blog, my fabulous art, poem, whatever. Just keep in mind it only comes in one colour, and that is colour with a 'u.' American contestants will just have to adapt. A few of you are confused now, aren't you. HA! Admit it, your forehead got a little scrunchy as you tried to figure out what the hell I was talking about. It's ok, you looked cute.

Rules? Rules are for pansies. Contest is open to everyone, even you lurkers. Even Twitter friends, which means I should probably tweet it since they won't know about it. Don't know me? I don't care. Arch nemesis? Fair is fair. One of my two judges will pick a random number based on however many replies I get. Wait. One of my two judges will pick a number out of a hat since they're still working on their numbers. Contest closes whenever I decide it does. Same with the picture.

Now, I mentioned two contests. This one I just pulled out of my ass after stepping on a can of paint. (Complained recently of having nothing to write? I knocked over a can of paint. You always have something to write about!) Contest number two is the real deal. It's a giveaway! A real live company is giving me a gift coupon to give away to one of my readers. I KNOW! I couldn't believe it either, and just wait, it gets SO. MUCH. BETTER! Except you really do have to wait because I haven't written that post yet. I'm thinking Friday. Ish. No, I'm pretty sure Friday.

*So yesterday 'afterwards' wasn't a real word but today 'scrunchy' is? Seriously?


  1. Well scrunchy is a beauty product and they take that stuff seriously on blogger.
    Love your work, is it a self portrait then? I couldn't possibly think of anything worthy enough to be painted in blue.

  2. Damn I am NEVER first. I just can't get off the mark quick enough.

    Call me a good old Captain Dumbass but I don't understand. Do we guess what you painted or do we ask you to paint something and you will?

    I'll assume the latter. Please paint a blue monkey family band, instruments featured must include a tin whistle, a trumpet and a violin.

    Colour with a 'u'? What do you mean? Of course it has a 'u'. There is ONLY ONE correct spelling...

  3. I am a widow. My husband left me 3.2 bajillion dollars. All I need is your email addy and I'll share the $$ with you. Oh wait.. wrong topic.

    Uhm... How bout a picture of how the nephew would look if he gets to have his mullet?

  4. The second contest better be for all us global citizens! I'm tired of State Side only competition!

    Draw funny hats on mo.stoneskins monkeys, if he figured the game right!!!!

  5. Hey! American's use plenty of words where the "u" plays prominent!

  6. I am honoured (see the "u"? that was for yo(u)!) to(u) have been privvy to(u) the inceptio(u)n o(u)f this idea on Twitter (even tho(u)gh I don't think you follo(u)w me back! Dumbass!)

    Would it be innapropriate to say...have the Dumbass family to mark the wall with their buttprints? Largest to smallest please.

    What's the coupon for? $10 off your next gallon?

  7. All I want it to say is:


    Simple and wonderful. And so very right.

    OR you can draw a beer can and put the :30 beside it...that is fun too! Make the beer can pretty!!!

  8. You aren't going to paint some brilliant phrase I come up with on that wall?

    I'm going to take my coloUrs and go home...

  9. Okay, Smart ass, I mean, Dumbass, if you say color is spelled with a u, write it on your wall. THEN I'll believe it. Until then I have a little thing called Webster's Dictionary to back me up.
    (When I was in second grade, a girl from Canada came into our class and the teacher graded her spelling of color as wrong. When the girl said that was the way they spelled it in Canada, the teacher answered, "You're in America now. In Florida, as far South as you can get." That teacher was racist, but I never forgot that.)
    That last bit was a bit rambling and could have been left out of the comment. You can remove it if you want.

  10. I'm at a loss. Even Canadians mock Americans now?

    That makes me very blue. How aboot a portrait?

  11. I vote poem.. *ahem*

    Dad's face is red
    The boys' floor is blue,
    Dad set the example
    of what NOT to do!

    and don't call me cute.

  12. I think you should draw me in all my Snuggalicious glory. It's blue and everything!

  13. I say we get Dumbass' artistic rendition of The Wise Young Mommy. I want a portrait done dammnit! And am I disqualified for the giveaway? I hope not...

  14. I would like to see the boys draw a painting of something that makes them happy. In blue.

    Or a painting of your grilled cheese men doing something. With jedi troopers.

    and I do not scrunch. much. anymore.

  15. Blue? Hmm Cookie Monster? Oswald?

    I need to get out of the house more!

  16. I wanted to have you make butt prints as well, then turn them into art by adding details.

    But, someone has already suggested something similar. So a question instead: my daughter wants to know who named you Captain Dumbass. Did you take the name or did someone give it to you? She thinks maybe your wife named you that. Jones asked if that was on your driver's license. I hope he was kidding...

  17. My border collie wearing a birthday hat. He turned two this month.

    Should I have spelled it "coullie?"

  18. My vote:
    The best blue character on television... Cookie Monster!

  19. Giant Atomic Chickens™ who will destroy the world in accordance with Satanic prophecy.

  20. Two words.....

    Smurf Massacre.

  21. Hmmm, you could paint a picture of bluebonnets! They're blue! And just for the record, I didn't even see that you spelled colour with a u. I work for a British company and it didn't even register to me as misspelled though clearly Blogger thinks so as it is currently underlined in red my comment.

    And by the way, I love the new banner photo! Will pee for M&Ms! Priceless! Plus you have a Lego Stormtrooper and and a Scrabble homage. It's glorious. Now I'm jealous. Dammit.

  22. I want it to say "I (heart) Momo" and not with a heart in parentheses, but a real heart! Not a real heart like the kind in someone's chest, but a real, drawn heart. I have to be specific when I'm dealing with a Dumbass.

  23. I want you to paint the word "color" without a "u."

    I dare you.

  24. "there's a bit of dirt in there from the tarp now, but whatever, it's not my room" Seriously...this is why I heart you.

    Yes, I said heart you. I'm feeling a bit like a giggly teen today, dressed up in fancy spring coloUrs.

    I'm thinking you draw, paint, whatev pics of your readers and we can try and guess who they are. Or simply 'dumbasses rule'.

  25. I want to win, and I want you to paint a picture of me. I'm serious.

  26. Do we have to think of what goes on the wall now? Pick me and I will have 'something'

  27. I want you to pain on there:

    "10-4 Beaver, this is Cooter calling"

    I have to have that and I have to have a pic of it. For Mimi. And me.

  28. Dammit, left off the "t".


  29. Hey, Dumbass. That drawing on the wall looked very familiar. And then I realized, it was the eyes. The eyes! Don't you get it? They're really NOT eyes. They're my boobs! I swear, I see those in the mirror every damn day. The question is, how did YOU see them?

  30. You're Canadian?! I think you should cover yourself in the blue paint and roll all over the wall. I have always wondered what that would look like.

  31. Oh my god - smurf massacre. cIII cracks me up.

  32. will it be yellu?


    or rud????

    OMG! purple!!!! That's it!!!!

  33. Duh....big blue boobs, that's what I wanna see. If the kids ask what they are, just tell them it's the number 3, sideways.

  34. I finally took my wii fit out of the box (inspired by you)-- I've linked to you in my post. Thanks for the motivation.. ugh, whatever, I hate exercising.

  35. I can not even complete with the 37 other contestants. Being a passive aggressive librarian I'm not going to try. We're like that you know.

    How about we just swap. I give you one of my paintings and you give me whatever it is got you? Nobody but us needs to know.

  36. I've got nothing but that color makes me want to sing the theme song from The Smurfs. Maybe you can write that on the wall, along with Gargamel chasing some Smurfs around. It's late.

  37. I love the line about there being dirt in the paint, but whatever, it's not my room! I'm thinking you should do a self-portrait on the wall. Or maybe a poem. I can't seem to decide. And since I probably won't win, I don't need to!

  38. I'd like my fave quote:

    Two things are infinate, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.


    WOOT @ scrunchy faces. I totally KNEW about the 'u' in colour!

  39. Got a new one! Came to me in the middle of night when I was dreaming of you in all of your blUe gloUry.

    redefining 'mommy blogger' or

    not all mommy bloggers have boobs

  40. Ok, so guess that's really two new ones.

  41. If I won the contest (the rules and dates and purpose which is still not entirely clear to me), I would love:

    handprints from all family members
    footprints from all family members
    drawings from all family members
    my blog name (you know, for me and all).

    And, if I win, I promise to link to your blog on my blog.

    And, if I I win, I promise to leave you 30 comments for 30 days (whichever comes frist).

    And, if I win, I will be happy.

    And you might like my post today ... considering you are a man among women bloggers (seems to me).

    And just ignore the previous post before this one that bashes men ... that is not for you eyes.

  42. Canucks el Azul - I explained more replying to your comment that replied to my comment that replied to your comment. On my blog.


Come on, sailor. I love you long time.