One hour ago while I was putting Connor to bed.
Connor: Why can't people talk to pod droids (Star Wars)?
Me: Um... droids don't speak English.
Liam (from his room): Daddy, my bum speaks English.
Half an hour ago.
Me: Why aren't you asleep, monkey?
Liam: Daddy. I want to sleep in your bed.
Me: No, hon, daddy's not going to bed yet.
Liam: I miss you so much when you go to work.
Me: Daddy hasn't gone to work in four months. Nice try.
Now the house is quiet. The boys are asleep and Supreme Leader is working late. Just me and my computer. Me, my computer and a bottle of Smirnoff Ice. Me, my computer, a vodka cooler and my cursor forever blinking...and? And? And? Fuck you, cursor.
I tweeted earlier today about having my 'mo' but not being able to find my 'jo' and the more I thought about that tonight the more it seems to fit my mood. I don't have writer's block or a lack of ideas lately, if anything I have too many. It's just getting them in here that seems to be the problem. I get ideas for stuff all day long. Ideas for posts, ideas for stories, content for stories I'm already writing. Sometimes I write them down and sometimes I don't. In general, my best ideas are the ones I don't write down and forget. How do I know they're my best ideas if I've forgotten them? Screw you, this is my whine.
Thank me. No, go ahead. I just saved you from the paragraph that isn't here anymore. It was terrible. Not in style or quality, but in length and woe. Tolstoy and Celine (not Dion) would have been proud. Sadly, it was so annoying I wanted to slap myself. Let's move on. Forget this happened.
This morning, after taking Connor to school, I ran upstairs to see what SL was doing. Then I noticed the bathroom and thought, take a shower now, while you have time. Then, since I do my best thinking in the shower, I started working out a conclusion to a story I'm writing about time travel. Then epiphany sucker punched me and I realized, if I could actually manipulate time, would I really try to go back and right wrongs, invest in Yahoo or eBay, freeze time and go hang out in the change room at la Senza (Victoria Secret)? Hell no! I'd freeze time and finally finish painting my bathroom. I'd vacuum. I'd work on a story. I'd read a book. I'd take a freakin' nap! Then I could snap it back on and spend some time with the kids that didn't feel like it was being scheduled.
Yes, I've got that out of my system now. Thanks. I'm going to go work on my story now. The one I said I was going to finish by Christmas. Whatever. Now that I'm getting close to done though I'm wondering what to do with it. Post it in the blog it's being written in? Use a Google document? Any ideas? And how does copyrighting work? Not that anyone would want to steal my mental manure, but still...
PS. Some decapitated head humour from my little sister.
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Good, you sorted that cursor out. I'm glad. Vodka Mom will be proud of you.
ReplyDeleteYour children are hilarious! Don't slap yourself....sometimes what we think is drivel is amusement for others! Let me know if you figure out the copyright stuff!
ReplyDeleteMy son is obsessed with all things Star Wars.
ReplyDelete"Who is Roger in Star Wars" he kept asking.
"There is no Roger in Star Wars."
"Yes there is."
"No there isn't."
"YES there is. The droids all say 'roger roger' all the time. Who are they talking about?"
I guess you have to know the movie to get it!
I suggest you open your phone book, pick the 3rd person under C, F, M, R and V each and send the story to them! Voila :-]
ReplyDeleteHave you seen Donnie Darko?
ReplyDeleteWhen is your book coming out! :)
Did Conner finally go to bed? LOL!
Connor and Liam... creative boys. They must get that from their mom (hee hee! just kidding) I always forget to write down my funny post ideas. I can't imagine what you forget since the stuff you post is always gold.
ReplyDeleteKisses to Liam!!
Dude, the title is right there: MY Bum Speaks English. Kid was spot on.
ReplyDeleteIs this related to the stories I was looking at, and have promised to get all editorial on? AIIIGGH! Today I finally cleared a slot in today to actually put pen to paper on those! Sorry, I had no idea being out of work would keep me so busy. I'll put together some feedback and get those over to you ASAP.
Firts thought: As a trial, Google docs might be the way to get some initial feedback. Regarding copyright, it may be that if you put "Copyright 20-- by CT" that gets you some protection up front.
I have a friend who is a professional writer/editor, I'll get in touch with him, see if he has any insight.
Good morning! Whew!
I suspect, and I may be way off base here, that if you Google 'Canadian Copyright' you may be able to find a nugget or two of information.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, Eli asked the same thing yesterday as we left Space Mountain and there was a droid sceen. So, it was not from Star Wars but similar. Figured if we could program them to move, and walk why not talk to us, was the question.....
ReplyDeleteyou could always do the ol' mail your manuscript to yourself and never open it routine.
ReplyDeleteI never worry about anyone stealing my stuff. I hope someone does. It will be so much less hassle to sue for a shitload of money, rather then go thru the trouble of pimping a book by an unknown author.
I think as an exercise in creativity you should leave all titles for the month of January up to your children. Just yell out: What should I call this one? And see what they yell back. I bet it will be gold.
thanks for that link to the photo assignment yesterday. I wasn't expecting so many Canadians on my blog
You may think its boring and lame. I think it is my morning amusement!
ReplyDeleteGood luck with the copyright stuff...the laws in America are somewhat hairy from what I've heard. Hopefully, you Canadians have your act together. If not, wait until Connor becomes PM and let him put some good laws into effect. :)
ReplyDeleteYour kids are adorable!
ReplyDeleteLiam's bum seems to be very versatile. He keeps toys there and it speaks. Brilliant!
ReplyDeleteI do my most creative thinking in the shower. I need a whiteboard or something to write my thoughts down before I forget them.
There must be something about the shower. I get brilliant ideas in there. Hubby just rolls his eyes at me when I bolt out of there and search frantically for a notepad.
ReplyDeleteDid you look behind the couch for your 'jo'? Mines always behind the couch.
The "I miss you when you go to work" sequence had me rolling. They've tried to play me the same way.
ReplyDeleteWriter's Market online has best info on copy writes, and yes someone will want to read your stuff.
El Capitain:
ReplyDeleteWhen my kids were small, I'd actually do my best writing in the can. Lock the door, get comfy, and get writing. It was my only privacy. That is, until they came knocking. Now they say, don't let her go in the bathroom; she'll be in there forever! Heh, heh.
In the US, the act of spewing an original work onto the page is copyright enough. It's when you get published that you'd wanna send it in to the official copyright peeps in Washington.
For cyber-stuff, it doesn't hurt to add an attribution for those so inclined to steal (cuz they're too lame and lazy to come up with their own stuff). Publishing in this medium has its drawbacks, and that's one of them.
Keep the really important works that you expect to be published in print off the Internet.
Best,
KJ
http://fragrantliar.blogspot.com
Much as I would LOVE to read your work online for free, I'd send it out to some publishers first. Check this book out of the library (there are so many different editions)http://www.amazon.ca/Canadian-Writers-Market-16th/dp/0771085273/ref=pd_sim_b_1
ReplyDeleteIt's a great resource.
Oh, and if you do get published, I'd like an autographed copy plsandthx. ;)
Your kids are so funny -
ReplyDeleteI think funny kids have funny creative parents. Good for you!
If stuck, you can always post pics of hot Asian schoolgirls.
ReplyDeleteSet up like your 15th blog and post that bitch! I'd read it.
ReplyDelete1. Liam sounds just like our J. Seriously ... those conversations could have happened in our house. Awesome.
ReplyDelete2. I need vodka, and am therefore jealous that you have some and I do not.
3. Most of my best thoughts are forgotten long before I get a chance to post them. I wish it weren't so.
4. If I could stop time, I'd catch up on the readings in my current course, maybe bypass where I'm supposed to be and build myself a bit of a cushion so I don't get backlogged again, and finish that darn baby blanket I started knitting like a year ago when I was pregnant with N ... who is now almost 8 months old. (I'm awful.)
Dude, you and I need some more daylight. I'm glad you have tons of ideas, me, well you saw my most recent post.
ReplyDeleteOh! And I totally don't think you should post anything until you're done writing your last page. It was really great advice I got once. I almost broke it the other day and then stopped myself. But it slows you down. It really does.
ReplyDeleteBut that's just my opinion.
'My bum speaks English'... awesome.
ReplyDeletehow do people without kids come up with stuff to write about?? are they forced to like, write about their cats or something?? hm..
write it. make it a book. self publish it. that's what I'm doing.. and I don't have *nearly* as many readers as you do!
I am still laughing about "Fuck you, cursor." I have had those moments lately. Good luck finding your 'jo'.
ReplyDeleteGet rid of the Ice, stick with plain Vodka, and you should be all set.
ReplyDeleteEllie
I'm using a Google document for easy sharing with a potential publisher for my effort, which is nothing as cool as time travel. I don't know how copyright works, but I'm gonna go check out CK's suggestion.
ReplyDelete"My Bum Speaks English" would have been the perfect post title.
ReplyDeleteAnd thing of how many weirdos, I mean, readers, you'd get to your blog after that!
"Thank me. No, go ahead. I just saved you from the paragraph that isn't here anymore. It was terrible. Not in style or quality, but in length and woe."
ReplyDeleteBest. Snark. Ever!
Sorry, Supreme Leader, it seems I officially have a crush on your husband.
Gawd, my bum speaks English quite often. I discovered wheat pasta makes it speak in rapid succession.
ReplyDeleteMy best ideas come up through the day...and thankfully I am always at a computer so I just pop open Word and start typing. Then when someone comes it is looks like I am working, but TADA!...I am actually writing a blog. SUCKERS!
I think you should send it to me in a plain, unmarked envelope, and pretend you never wrote it, that you've never seen it before, and that (when it's published under my name) you're unfamiliar with the plot. I'll get rid of it for you. Before it's too late.
ReplyDeleteOr, you know, send it to a magazine.
Totally your choice.
Oh, Captain My Captain.
ReplyDeleteYou managed to break the silence here. I laughed out loud (literally) and the dog raised her head to make sure I hadn't injured myself. Your mental manure is genius.
I am gigling at your post! My kids thinks I am a weirdo now. Giggling. I can't wait to read your book!
ReplyDeleteCrazy. I'd totally buy the winning lottery ticket with my time travel skills before painting the bathroom.
ReplyDeleteAlso? I'd never commute again. Or would I? Heroes has helped confuse my understanding of what time manipulation does to space manipulation...
Ha, nice little manipulator you have on your hands... "I miss Daddy". Ha!
ReplyDeleteI hope you get your writing butt in gear and finish your story. I'm sure it's divine (I'm serious, stop rolling your eyes!). It's hard to focus on something important when you're dragged in a million different directions.
I have no advice on copyrighting, sorry. BTW, is there a picture assignment this week?
I think you're suffering from a
ReplyDeletebac case of cabin fever. From what I hear and see you should maybe focusing on a building an ark!
We got about 10 inces a couple of days ago, then another 7 inches
yesterday. There was even a
14 ft. avalanche just a couple of miles out of town.
As to the Vodka, soak in it,
oranges, cherries, etc. and that
way you'll get your Vitamin C.
I await your newest story. Grab
yourself a little notebook to write down your brilliant ideas
when you're not around a computer.
or text yourself or something,
be proactive.
Connor's question perfeclty legitimate.
Has Liam's bum said anything today,
his cousin Mick's said her's was
just breathing.
Must run in the family.
I love that your mom's comments are like little poems. So see, you emerged from a wellspring of literary talent. Dig deep and get that story finished. Because I love time travel stories. Also, I've been writing one of my own and if yours is better I can steal your idea and pass it off as mine. Bwa ha ha ha ha...
ReplyDeleteDude - finish that book already!! i want to read something that is actually good!
ReplyDeleteI think my bum speaks Turkish. Just a feeling I have...
ReplyDeleteYou know I feel the same way and yet I keep on posting. Maybe not the best plan. (found you by of Apathy Lounge BTW)
ReplyDeleteThere seems to be a lot of mo and/or jo missing on the Internet lately. Maybe the holidays screwed us up? Can I just say your title today is the BEST title ever?? Me? I've been writing rambling drivel the last two days. By next week I MUST get my shit together. Don't ya think?
ReplyDeleteI miss you when you go to work? I LAUGHED OUT LOUD at that!!!
ReplyDeleteand yeah, I AM proud of you.
xoxo
You crazy Canadians and the way you spell humour!
ReplyDeleteLiam is hilarious... and smart. It took my kids years to figure out how effective guilt is.
It's just January. January sucks the life soul out of everyone.
ReplyDeleteIs there really more than one Celine? That's not a Dion?
ReplyDeleteDear Sir; This is my second favorite post you've ever written. For seriousness. When I link to you next to tell people to check you out, this is the post I will refer them to. Be prepared to have an additional 2 followers. Sorry, that's as influential as I get. I suck at being influential.
ReplyDeleteMy first favorite post? Klingon's Loungin', of course. My third favorite post? The one waaaaay back with a picture of a huge fireball. I think the title said it all...Monday.
You are still my favorite.
Can we get a recording of the English speaking bum? That would rock.
ReplyDeleteYour story has implied copyright from the moment you write it. I usually put the whole "copyright by" bit on it for kicks. You should submit it somewhere. I have lists of webzines and print rags if you're interested. We'll see who can rack up more rejection slips ;)
my brother can fart "the eyes of Texas." Does that count as his bum speaking english?
ReplyDeleteI read posts like this and Martini Mom and I almost wish I had a kid....
You aren't done painting the bathroom yet?
ReplyDeleteAlso, your son has an indigent man in his closet? Good thing he speaks English, it would be weird if he spoke Norwegian.
I read "lack of ideas" as "lack of ladies." Yeowza, I think that means bedtime.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'm BAAACK & should be making a return post promptly. Actually I made a NY post, but then lost my internet [woo!].
XOXO