Friday, December 26, 2008

Hey! Bring Me a Beer!

The other day when our Christmas travel plans were in peril I threw out a half-hearted request for guest posts and, in the spirit of the season, I received two. Unfortunately, we did have to cancel our trip because the highways were just too treacherous. And, as these things always come in three's (frozen washer fluid and storms), little Liam has developed the Plague. (Ok, maybe not the Plague, but it's definitely a disgusting votex of mucus.) It wasn't meant to be.

And now I have two guest posts to use which means I can slack off some more. Score! First up is Dr. Detroit, Middle Aged Woman. Anybody remember Dr. Detroit (hoo hoo!)? Anyone? Whatever. MAW has recently embraced her masculine side. Her grade 6 class will be in for quite a surprise come January.

Last night before I went to bed, I stepped over the underwear that had landed on the floor next to my socks (it's hard to make a three-pointer with balled-up shorts), and paused to scratch that magic place that makes my eyes roll over. I wasn't worried about the stuff on the floor because I know the laundry fairy will take care of it. Always works.

Soon, I knew, I would be dreaming of power-tools, and plasma screens. For the umpteenth time I assured Husband that, no, his pajama pants did not make his butt look big, and got ready to drift off to sleep. Suddenly I sat up--oh my God! I can't go to bed yet! I didn't write that blog post featuring those manly awards from Captain Dumbass and goodfather! Oh, the guilt!

Hah! Just kidding. I fell asleep like a ton o'bricks. Guilt is for wussies.

Now that I've had my cold pizza and beer for breakfast, and left my empty can where the kitchen fairy can get it, it's time to talk about the manly subject of length. Which I can properly measure because I got this here award from goodfather:

Note the angle on that there heavy-duty measuring tape. I get a chubby just looking at it. It's too short, though. The tape, I mean. Obviously.

And what about this one?

And this is not from some pansy-ass, Johnny Depp-type, make-up-and-beads-wearing pirate either. The Captain is more of a walk-the-plank, shiver-me-timbers, run you through with a cutlass type of pirate. Supreme Leader told him he could be. Real men don't take chances with sh*t like that.

To all the members of the Commonwealth, enjoy your Boxing Day. To my American friends who have to go back to work today, should've thought about your holiday schedule before that revolution.


  1. Sorry to hear about the plague and your trip getting canceled. MAW did a good job of filling in so you can slack off and play with your damned grilled cheese men. Those guys should make the kid feel better in no time. Boxing day? WTF is that? Is that real? I wish I were Canadian.

  2. MAW landed that one.

    Sorry to hear that Liam is sick. You and the gang have a great Boxing Day. Whatever that entails. Okay, what does that entail?

  3. Growing up, Boxing Day at my house meant me and my Big Bro would spend all our time chasing each other and beating the crap out of each other. I didn't know about the other BD until much later, could have avoided all those bruises.

    Kudos to MAW (and isn't that an appropriate acronym; could mean 'mom', could mean 'mouth' or 'gullet') on posting with SWAGGER, arrrr!

    Actually, I'm a little bit afraid now, please don't hurt me...

  4. Another kick ass post from MAW! Boxing Day? More presents? Yay!

  5. Boxing Day = gifts for the servants. Since I'm pretty sure I do all the servitude around here, I should be in for quite a haul. I'll just sit back and wait for the loot to roll in.


    Thought so. Just another invented Canuck holiday like that extra Thanksgiving. On a Sunday? Whatever!

  6. Do you get to hit people on Boxing Day? Because I could totally punch someone right now. Maybe I should consider relocating.

  7. I love MAW. So glad she did a post for you.

    She said (on her blog) that you were off getting a mani/pedi and highlights.

    How do you do highlights on bald?

  8. The plague has done what plagues do, it's spread. Connor has it now to, only he's upped the anty with vomiting to go along with the chest congestion, runny nose and fever. This is mommy & daddy's 3rd night without sleep and now I'm starting to cough as well.

    "Oh there's no place like home for the holidays.... blab blah blah blah blah... meh."

    Boxing Day is an English holiday. Like MAW mentioned in her comment, it was a day off for the staff. This servant's day will entail wiping noses and the ocassional pool of vomit so I'm not sure how the holiday is fitting in.

  9. I love the idea of Boxing Day. I am so going to establish that here in the U.S. Off to write letters to D.C.

  10. Sorry to hear about the Plague. That's never fun. It finally quit snowing down here, but the roads are still bad.

    Great guest post! MAW nailed it. ;)

  11. Where do you find a laundry fairy?
    My husband needss someone like that. He has been waiting for one
    for years. As I stopped picking the
    Dumbass', his brother and sisters
    at age 10, ther is no chance in
    hell I'm going to pick them up for
    a grown man.

    Hope our little Liam is feeling better soon. I did have a drink
    of wine for you and Bern. Hmmm
    then I think I had one for each of your sisters, brother and parents.
    It's a little foggy now.

    Enjoyed Guest Posts

  12. Dr. Detroit? I remember The Craw...

    You have a laundry fairy? Dammit, I knew they were out there.

  13. Underwear on the floor... Too familiar a picture for my comfort...

  14. Ooooh. Snot and vomit? Blech. My sincere condolences.
    Hope you still had a great holiday.

  15. Scratch that itch!

    Boxing Day is the day you eat up all the leftovers and mess left from the day before. You can also sit in huge traffic queues waiting for the sales to open, or if neither of the above, slob around the house scratching and waching TV.

    Hope the plague soon passes.

  16. Since I am in GREAT need of theraphy I am now a follower of your blog! Ha! =)


Come on, sailor. I love you long time.