Friday, November 28, 2008

Pushing The Dumb Ass Envelope Daily

It's 10:58pm Friday night. Blogger just ate my post. I'd be angry, but the post sucked. Honestly, it really sucked. You should thank Blogger. I should thank Blogger. Blogger... wait, wasn't I calling them Blooger? Blooger, thank you for eating my wet smelly wino-ass of a post.

What was it about? The usual. Man vs himself in his daily struggle to out-stupid the rest of the world. Himself vs Man, where his brain violently seizes control and causes Man to swallow his own tongue in order to prevent him from saying something incredibly bad.

Let me set the scene. It's November the 26th and the United States is celebrating Thanksgiving. Due to this national holiday the rest of the world is screwed out of the usual Thursday night line up of prime time. More importantly, Captain Dumbass is without the weekly high-jinx of Seattle Grace Hospital (Grey's Anatomy) and the time traveling kookiness of the 125 Precinct (Life on Mars). How can I go a week without Denny and Izzy? And speaking of Denny, he's dead, why can't he get rid of the stubble? Yes, sure, it's sexy and all, but that stuff is like a course grit sand paper, would he really be seeing any action without being sent to the bathroom with a razor first? I sure as hell wouldn't. But then, it's all just Izzy's brain tumour talking, right? Or Meredith is still in a coma and has dreamt the last two seasons. Or it's all just the dream of an autistic child. Wait, wrong show. I may have inadvertently stole the coma bit from Blissfully Caffeinated. You call it plagiarism, I call it flattery.

Where was I? Right. So Supreme Leader comes home from work sick and totally messes up my usual routine of letting the Wii babysit the kids while I park my ass in front of the computer all day. I am promptly sent off to buy groceries and rent a couple of movies. Fast forward six hours and SL is struggling to open the DVD box and can't do it. Twelve year old at the rental place forgot to take off the security tags so it won't open. I take it back and they giggle and remove the tags. I suggest that it might be nice if they give me an extra day since by now I've spent enough gas to have bought the freakin movies. While they're taking care of this my attention is drawn (moth to the flame) to the GIGANTICORE flat screen TV the store has put in above the sales desk. I'm about to comment on how I'd give a testicle to have that TV when my brain interrupts to advise that while the male clerk might find it amusing and totally agree, the two female clerks at the desk might not. Agreeing, I'm about to exchange "testicle" with "fingers" when my brain actually took control of my vocal cords and made me shut up. One of the girls, whom I've seen in there a million times, has something wrong with her hands and only has partial fingers.

Dear Brain, thank you for taking in this important detail and saving me from having to chew off my own tongue.

25 comments:

  1. Oh Man! I can just see you digging yourself that hole and then digging it further and further after the feux pas. Good job brain, way to handle a pressure situation!

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  2. No, you would never let yourself just ramble on. Say it's not true.

    As an American, let me apologize for bollixing up you viewing pleasure. It's not much, but I'm pretty sure the rest of America is with me on this.

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  3. you are officially invited to the Ass Family Reunion.

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  4. Oh, so often we stand on the brink, and something keeps us from falling in. Is it brains? Is it luck? Is it that special kind of sixth sense?

    Prolly just luck. However, I could follow the illogic chain as you caromed from one bad idea to the next.

    At a previous job once, I walked around the corner into three coworkers standing around looking glum, and all of them (by coincidence) were wearing black overcoats. Before I could stop myself, I said "What is this, a Russian funeral? HA, Ha, ha...(crickets)

    Turns out, one of them had just gotten laid off. The NICE one. I think I spent the rest of the day under my desk. Does that qualify me for DumbAss Nation?

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  5. Oh, but think of the post it would have made...oh, wait. It already did. And you didn't have to die a thousand deaths to achieve it.

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  6. Damn Blooger...I think I would have liked to have seen the post you lost. Of course, then I would have missed this one which I enjoyed at your expense. When the shit hits the fan, it usually all happens at once...at least you got a bunch of it over for a while!

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  7. I still think you should have stated the testicle comment. That would have made a great post, like awesomesauce.
    Um.... not saying this one is not good because it is great. Well, not great but good.
    Um......Can you hand me a shove to dig myself out.

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  8. I'm with you on the MIA Thursday night line-up. I'm addicted to NBC, and I need my fix! The least they could have done is show re-runs of my shows. But no ... they decide to show "The Incredibles" instead. I'm a parent, for chrissake! I have "The Incredibles" on DVD! (I may or may not have bought it before I had children ...)

    Nice story about the video rental store. Good brain. Treat it well.

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  9. wow, that could've been baaaad.

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  10. Best to leave the testicle comment safely tucked into your brain for a more appropriate forum. Like your blog. LOL.

    The husband would have done the same thing. The 23 year old Boy, not so much. Maybe, that is why he didn't have a date last night.

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  11. Hey, love your new masthead graphic, very cool.

    I'm with Heinous - sorry to mess up TV like that.

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  12. Oh, sweetheart. I'm so sorry. Blogger, just like the Lord and the Bush Administration works in mysterious ways. I missed ya! I hope SL gets feeling better.

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  13. I was unaware that our day of retardiculous stuffing of our gut affected you Canadians! But now that I know we have that kind of power...MUHAHAHAHAHA! OK, but really, I am totally with you on the Denny thing!

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  14. Good job brain. Not everyone's edit button works when it should. At least mine doesn't.

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  15. Thank you, Blogger, for eating the sucky post. hehe

    You're so funny.

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  16. Wait, you said Blogger ate the sucky post... I don't get it.
    :-)
    You should thank your brain. I wish my brain would stop me from typing inane comments on other people's sites...

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  17. so, i'm confused now...
    that sounded like a good premise for a post. i have not come upon blog worthy material in a looong time.
    am i supposed to thank blooger, or not?

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  18. I generally have a horrible case of foot-in-mouth disease... Glad yours was stopped!

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  19. Blogger will post it wheen they feel your time is right.....then you can chew off your tongue lol !

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  20. Oh man, I could sure use some not sticking my foot in my mouth lessons from you!

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  21. Great Blog! I love it my man!
    First time at your blog. I am adding you to my blogroll. Guys gotta stick together!

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  22. reminds me of a professor i had. the fellow said that when he tells his students something, it goes in one ear and out the other. and that when he tells his wife something, it goes in both ears and out her mouth. at which point, all the girls in the class stood up and promptly beat him to death with their shoes.

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  23. CD:

    It's a Doors song, isn't it? That description in your profile is a Doors song! Dammit, which one is it? It's been driving me crazy since I read it and I just now remembered where I heard it, but not the song title!

    (BTW, thanks for jumping in the van! You honor me, sir!)

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  24. DAMN! I so totally need to catch up on my Grey's anatomy and about it being a dream of an autistic child - quite possibly!!! I always wonder what the heck is going on in the minds of my kids when they sleep. My guess used to be on them chasing butterflies; I like your idea better.

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  25. Oh my god, fucking Thanksgiving made me MISS THIS POST. And it's one of the best CD posts ever. How did this happen? How, HOW?

    I'll come back to the Grey's Anatomy section of your discourse in a mo.

    The freaking testicle / fingers / video store bit made me pee my pants and choke on coffee all at the same time. That's too classic.

    Back to Grey's. The Meredith coma hypothesis is all your own, my friend. Im riding your coattails on the Izzie brain tumor train of thought. But Meredith dreaming it all is awesome. And that stubble is hot. You get all these girls running around in their bra's, let us have some Denny stubble. If they could put him in his underwear, that would be great.

    No Life on Mars until January. The show scared the bejeesus out of me last time and I don't know if I'll watch to see what's in the basement.

    Also, I'm glad you didn't have to chew your own tongue off. That would have hurt.

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Come on, sailor. I love you long time.