Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Guest Post

First off, congratulations to all my American friends, what an awesome night that was. Regardless of whether you voted for Obama or McCain, it was an amazing election, and now you can start moving forward again. The world, not just the United States, is a very different place today.

Second. NaBloMeMo-wise, today's post is going to look like cheating because it's actually a guest post. BUT, I will be guesting on someone else's blog on November 14th so it all works out in the long run. And I stole 'NaBloMeMo' off Unmitigated. If you didn't check out her response to my blog yesterday, you should. It's pretty funny even though it's at my expense.

Mama Dawg from Two Dogs Running was supposed to guest post for me back in October but due to some issues involving the resale of human organs wasn't able to. Mississippi has such archaic laws. Anyway, apparently Mama Dawg had a lot of coffee and a lot of time on her hands yesterday. The names in the following story have been changed for legal reasons.



Mama Dawg wakes up chained to a dirty slimy stone wall. Her head hurts and she can’t move her legs. She takes a look around but can’t see much due to the lack of light.

She takes a deep breath and starts to feel her head. She jerks back in shock from the feel of a wet, sticky substance. As she brings her fingers closer to her nose, she can smell the unique scent of blood.

She faints.

Time goes by.

She awakens violently as ice cold water is tossed in her face. This time, however, she’s strapped down to a bed whose sheets smell faintly of bleach. The light is blinding and is causing her to squint. She can feel her headache coming back with a roar.

A voice from the far end of the room speaks.

Disembodied Voice: “Mama Dawg, what have you done with Captain Dumbass?”

Mama Dawg: “Wha…what? What are you talking about? What’s this about a Captain?”

DV: “Come now, Mama. Don’t play dumb. This isn’t like you.”

MD: “Dude, I have no frickin’ clue what you’re talking about.”

DV: “That’s Dudette to you, you filthy mongrel.”

Slowly a shadow separates from the wall and makes it’s way over to where Mama Dawg is strapped down to a twin bed that seems to be in the shape of a…red plastic car?

As the figure draws closer, she recognizes the crazy hair before she sees the one face she had never hoped to see…the notorious Steenky Bee!

One look at her face and Mama Dawg is overcome with memories of the events of the past 24 hours.

24 hours earlier:

Mama Dawg steps off the 1951 Cessna 195 onto a tarmac at a small airport somewhere in Western Canada and shrugs her backpack up higher on her shoulders. She looks around for the placard that bears her code name: Mama Dawg. Just the sight of her name makes her wince with memories of her nemises, the notorious Steenky Bee. She had besmirched her good name all over the internets and it caused such an uproar in bloggy land that the blogging community is still, days later, talking about the scandal.

Pushing these thoughts to the back of her mind, she determinedly walks over to the small half Asian boy holding up the sign.

MD: “Connor?”

SHAB: “Uh, no. Hardly. Do I look 5? I’m a midget, bitch, not a child. Get your booty in motion. You’re late. He’s been waiting for hours. He’s ticked. ”

MD: “Dude, sorry. I got stuck in Utah. There was some sort of disturbance in the airport. A crazed wild haired woman was trying to get past security with a sawed off shotgun. What a nutjob.”

SHAB: “Whatever. I just do what I’m told and he told me to come pick you up. You got any more bags?”

MD: “Nope, this is it. I travel light.”

SHAB: * muttering under his breath * “yeah, you’ll be traveling reeeealll light when he gets through with you.”

MD: “What was that?”

SHAB: “Nothing, let’s go.”

As they walk towards the parking lot, they fail to notice a maniacal woman with crazy ass hair staring at Mama Dawgs back with such venom, she was literally turning red.

SHAB and Mama Dawg get to the parking lot where they head towards a giant shiny white Ford Explorer. Mama Dawg is relieved to see such a large vehicle as she want so badly to stretch out in the backseat while the strange little man drives her to her final destination…Captain Dumbass’s palace.

Suddenly, they veer off course and head towards the bike rack where she spots a tall, bald man leaning against a bright orange Kona.

Her heart and feet miss a beat and she stumbles to the ground, bumping her head against the asphalt. She feels a sharp pain on her scalp and when she reaches up to touch her head, her fingers come back bloody. She hears someone running towards her and she jumps up in fear as the tall bald man reaches her. She starts to slowly back away when he spoke directly to her.

Captain Dumbass: “Hey, there Mama Dawg, it’s all right. It’s me. The Captain. You’re safe now.”

MD: “Oh, thank goodness it’s you. You look nothing like your picture. You’re much better looking in person. Very sexy with that bald head and your super bright white hoodie. Very masculine. Say ‘aboot’ and ‘eh’ for me, please?”

CD: “Only if you show me the goods.”

MD: “Oh, all right. I know you’re only using me for my American booty.”

Mama Dawg opens her backpack to reveal a bag containing 12 bottles of PMS Motrin, 10 bottles of Aleve, 20 packages of flour tortillas, 20 packages of corn tortillas, 8 cans of refried beans and what appeared to be 100 assorted gift cards to various stores found all through out North America.

SHAB looks on in disbelief and stomps off in a wild snit.

MD: “What’s his problem?”

CD: “Oh, him? He was expecting you to bring bags of cheese curds to make poutine. When I hired him to bring you to me from the tarmac, the only way I could convince him to do the job was by telling him you were smuggling in poutine ingredients. He’s such a die-hard poutine fan.”

MD: “Why did you need someone to bring me to you from the tarmac?”

CD: “I do lots of smuggling from the United States and I’m a wanted man around these parts. I can’t have anyone seeing me anywhere near the airport.”

MD: “Um…we’re still in the parking lot of the airport.”

CD: “I know. That little bastard refused to leave the airport grounds. He was on his break when your plane came in. If he didn’t get back to cleaning out the airplane toilets as soon as his break was over, he would be fired. Do you know how hard it is for a half Asian midget to get a job in Canada?”

MD: “No, how hard is it?”

CD: “I don’t know. It was a rhetorical question. Now, did anyone follow you here? Did you see or hear of anything suspicious?”

MD: “I don’t think I was followed, but there was this one weird incident at the airport in Utah. I don’t think it had anything to do with us.”

CD: “Utah? That’s where the notorious Steenky Bee lives. Are you sure you weren’t followed?”

MD: “Pretty sure. So, are we just gonna stand around here all day or are you going to take me to your Supreme Leader?”

CD: “Oh, yeah, well, since I only have my bike for transportation, she actually followed me here. She’s over in the far parking lot. My instructions were to leave you here at the bike rack and go get her. You’ll catch a ride with her back to the Dumbass palace. I’ll be right back.”

MD: “Ok, but hurry. I’m getting a creepy feeling. Like I’m being watched.”

CD: “That’s probably just the control tower guys watching you. They’ve never seen a girl from Mississippi before.”

MD: “Really? I thought Canada was a civilized country.”

CD: “Canada is, but the control tower guys aren’t. I’ll be right back.”

MD: “Ok.”

As The Captain pumps the pedals furiously and rides off in the distance, Mama Dawg hears a strange noise behind her.

She whirls around but before she could see anything or holler out loud, a bag drops down over her head. Two pairs of strong arms hold her arms down by her sides and hold her while the white Ford Explorer screeches 2 feet from Mama Dawg and her captors. They toss her in the back of the seat and roar away before she even knows what’s happening.

Being a foreign country, Mama Dawg easily gets confused as to which direction they’re traveling. For a while, it seems as if all they’re doing is doughnuts in the parking lot.

Several minutes pass and Mama Dawg feels a shift in the terrain. Several hours go by when the SUV starts slowing down. It eventually stops and all the car doors open. Three of them slam shut but the fourth one stays open as a pair of hands grab for Mama Dawg. She loses her balance when being pulled from the van and falls on her head, in the same exact spot as previously. This time, she does not hop right up.

Two big burly Canadian Mounties bedecked in their full dress uniforms including their Red Serge haul Mama Dawg into a very suburban looking house.

The notorious Steenky Bee directs them to take her downstairs into the torture chamber and to chain her up.

The notorious Steenky Bee then directs her children, Henners and Reesie to go downstairs and torture the prisoner until she awoke.

Henners and Reesie, armed with their orders, march downstairs and commence screaming, pinching, hollering, gumming, drooling and peeing on Mama Dawg.

She awakens briefly, touches her head and faints. The notorious Steenky Bee decides to have Mama Dawg transported upstairs to the interrogation box (otherwise known as Henners room).

After Mama Dawg is strapped down, the notorious Steenky Bee tosses a bucket of ice cold water in her face with hopes that this time, Mama Dawg wakes up and stays up.

This time, it worked. Mama Dawg awoke and after discovering who it was that held her prisoner, she struggled to escape her bonds.

MD: “Let me go you lunatic!”

SB: “Not until you tell me what happened to the Captain! I’ve been stalking him for months now and he has NEVER asked me to visit him. When I read on your blog that he and the Supreme Leader requested your presence at their house, I got so mad, I decided to follow you as you went on your visit. I WILL be a part of their family. I MUST apologize to them for that time that I just showed up on their doorstep uninvited. I can not have you be the chosen one. Now, tell me where he is or I’ll kill Jesse.”

MD: “NOOOOOOOO…leave Jesse the squirrel out of this. He has nothing to do with this craziness. I’ll tell you anything, anything at all if you just leave him out of this.”

SB: “That’s better. Now, where is he? I saw you two together at the bike rack but then he just disappeared. Where did he go? What did you do to him?”

MD: “I didn’t do anything. I swear. He left me at the bike rack while he went to get the Supreme Leader and the vehicle.”

SB: “What are you doing here? Why did they invite you to their house? Why is the Supreme Leader the supreme leader?”

Before Mama Dawg could answer, there was a crash as the front door was broken down by Liam and Connor dressed as Spiderman. The Captain came barreling in on his bright orange Kona bike and knocked into the notorious Steenky Bee causing her to hit her head on the edge of the plastic red car bed.

He rushes to Mama Dawgs aide and unstraps her. He gently picks her up and tells her to take the kids and run to the car where the Supreme Leader is waiting for them.

MD: “But, but, what about you? Aren’t you coming?”

CD: “I’ll be right there. I just need to make sure that the notorious Steenky Bee never harms another blogger again.”

MD: “Oh, Captain Dumbass, you’re my hero! The Supreme Leader is so lucky to have you.”

CD: “Yeah, and she knows it. Now, go on. I’ll see you at the Palace.”

As Mama Dawg scoops up Liam under one arm and Connor under the other, we see the Captain standing heroically over the prone body of the notorious Steenky Bee and laughing maniacally while shouting ‘aboot, aboot, aboot, eh, eh, eh’.

The end.

29 comments:

  1. Did it really suck that bad? No one's commented.

    I'm sad. *tears rolling down face*

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  2. Oh my goodness I just laughed so hard I almost peed myself. Nice work Mama Dawg!! Oh and remind me to never tick off the Steenky Bee!

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  3. This? Seriously. One of your best pieces. Effin hilarious.

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  4. And Cappy-ton....love the new header.

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  5. I'm afraid now. There's a wildhaired woman in my front office asking for me, saying her last name is "Henners". Mama Dawg, what have you DONE?

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  6. that was awesome...and totally believable until the line, “Yeah, and she knows it." Yet another blog to add to my subscribe list.

    Also, Cap'n there's an award for you at my blog. Mama Dawg can accept it on your behalf after that post.

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  7. heinous-well, it was a story after all. And since my loyalties do lie with the Captain, I had to take his side in the matter. But we all really know who wears the pants in THAT family.

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  8. Thanks for all the sweet words. My heart is jumping for joy (or the coffee finally kicked in.)

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  9. That was amazing. Priceless. I should not read these things at work. People have started to stare!! (and the scary part? there's no one in the surrounding 15 offices!!)
    GREAT POST!!! And Steenky? Come stalk anytime. And Captain? You invited me to be your neighbor... should I be worried this could happen to me??

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  10. Oh dear. I am stunned. I'm speechless, which doesn't happen often. After I spit my freedom bagel smeared with cream cheese all over my computer screen from laughing so hard, I gathered my wits and noticed a few inconsistencies with your story, Mama Dawg.

    First, if you would have paid any attention to the election cycle we just went through, you would know that Mitt Romney, Utah's favorite son (after Steve Young) pointed out that "torture" is not the correct terminology. It's "enhanced interrogation techniques"

    Second, Henry doesn't have the best "pee aim". I witnessed this, as did my poor bath mat, this morning.

    Third, I was only trying to lure you and the good Captain and his wife to Utah to engage in the long-held tradition of plural marriage.

    Fourth, I no longer have any weapons. Michelle and Barack Obama barged in my house and took away my guns. They were surprisingly gentle.

    Fifth, I don't have a fifth point, but I think it's in poor taste to leave a list dangling at four items.

    This guest post was definitely worth the wait! Off the hook there, MD! I laughed, I snorted, I cried.

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  11. Whew....so glad that went over well with Steenky Bee. I was so worried.

    Hold on a sec, someone's knocking at the door.

    Opening the door and oh, holy hell, she's here.

    Save meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

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  12. That was freaking hilarious. Well done!

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  13. This was hilarious. Way to go, Mama Dawg! You had me laughing. LOVE it.

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  14. I'd have to agree with Heinous, totally believable until "Yeah, and she knows it."

    Hilarious! Was your coffee spiked when you wrote it?

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  15. Uh, oh. The Supreme Leader herself addressed me.

    "Uh, no ma'am. My coffee was not spiked. I just got inspiration from the stalker-off Steenky Bee and I have regarding your husband's blog, ma'am."

    *shaking from the adreneline rush at having the SL "speak" directly to me*

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  16. Ha ha ha! Ha!

    Kamloops as an airport that even a Cessna 195 can land at? With a control tower? Really???

    I did not know that.

    Awesome guest post!

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  17. goodfather-I never said I flew into Kamloops. I just said Western Canada. (plus, I didn't do THAT much research). LOL!

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  18. Mama Dawg, I loved it! I really did and I enjoyed reading this different type of writing from you.

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  19. Oh. My. God.

    I am dying laughing.

    The backpack full of Motrin and totillas put me over the edge.

    That was f***ing brilliant.

    Now I must go. I am suddenly overwhelmed by the urge to write a blog post referring to myself in the third person.

    This was fabulous.

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  20. Goodness, I thought Steenky Stalker was harmless before reading this. She and I have been trading emails and I was THIS close to giving her my AIM screen name but thanks to your article, I know know to be careful. I'm glad CD was able to save you from her and her evilness.

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  21. Casey-I am so glad someone can benefit from this story. You must always be careful who you give your information out to. They may end up stalking you and having their kids pee on you. It's never a good thing.

    I consider this my good deed for, like, EVER.

    You're welcome.

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  22. OMG!! LOL!!! This is way too funny. Thank God my stitches were just taken out!

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  23. So flippin funny! Jesse the squirrel? I saw jesse and was like, wait, who's jesse and then was so happy it got cleared up that it was jesse THE SQUIRREL. and when CD charged in on his bright orange kona bike!I can just see it in my head like I was there!

    Didja do any mounties while you were there? Do you think they scream "EH! EH! EH!" at the magic moment?

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  24. Oh, lord, Tattoo, I sincerely hope so. That would be like the biggest turn on EVER! At least for this southern chick.

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  25. This is my favorite episode of 24 ever!

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  26. Featured on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle: http://tinyurl.com/5wevqn

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Come on, sailor. I love you long time.