Monday, October 13, 2008

And Also? Alex Trebek

That's right friends and neighbours, it's Thanksgiving up here. I'm out of town for the long weekend so I've got the wonderful and vitriolic Jennifer of Blissfully Caffeinated running the shop today. Once you're done here I highly recommend heading over to her house, you won't regret it. Bring some ant killer if you've got any. Trust me, she'll appreciate it.

So, when Captain Dumbass asked me to guest post on his blog I was all, "Woo Hoo!" 'Cause I've never guest posted before and I felt kind of like an Academy Award nominee; you know, it's a thrill just to be nominated and whatnot. Or asked to guest post, as the case may be.

But then when it came time to actually write the post I freaked out a bit. Because I usually don't plan out posts and write them up in advance. Shocking, I know, because my posts are always so well written and thoughtfully organized *cough* but the truth is, I usually just make the shit up as I go.

I thought, being that this is a man's blog, and a very manly man at that (pink sidebar award bling notwithstanding), I should refrain from discussing my menstrual period, boobs, sex, hairstyles, childbirth and cosmopolitans. Which takes a big chunk out of my usual subject matter.

But then I took a good look at the email the Captain sent over when we were discussing my guest spot. He wrote, "If you're feeling up for a challenge, the 13th is Thanksgiving up here..."

This will be posted on Canadian Thanksgiving Day. I have to be honest; I didn't actually realize that Canada had a Thanksgiving holiday. In October, no less. But I'm glad they do. Because I am thankful for many, many Canadian things. You know, I think that we Americans tend to take Canadians for granted. It's like comic Kathleen Madigan says:

I went up to Canada for the weekend and, you know, Canada is like America's attic: you never go up there but when you do, it's like, 'Hey, look at all this cool shit up here!'

And there really is a whole lot of cool shit up there. My most cherished Canadian, of course, is Captain Dumbass himself, who makes me laugh every day with tales of his little boys and wife. He openly acknowledges his wife as Supreme Leader, which I love, admire, and wish I could persuade my own husband to do.

Some other Canadian things I would like to give thanks for:

* "You Can't Do That On Television," a TV show that some of you may remember from Nickelodeon (before it became Nick). We got cable at my house in 1983 and my brother and I were immediately hooked on Alisdair, Motormouth, and the concept of splashing buckets of green slime on people whenever they said, "I don't know." Then, from the wellspring of talent at YCDTOTV emerged another Canadian sensation that I greatly admire...
* Alanis Morrisette, without whom the year 1996 wouldn't have been quite the same.
* Also, Ryan Reynolds, because, well, he's SMOKING HOT.
* Ice. Who doesn't love ice? Canada seems to have an overabundance of ice in places, and I'm sure that if anarchy does take hold, we would be able to borrow (or boarow, in some provinces) ice from our friendly northern neighbors. Because even during anarchy, I will want some crushed ice in my drink.
* The word "aboot." I've been trying to get "aboot" to take hold here in California, with limited success. So far it's just my two kids that will talk to me aboot it.
* Trivial Pursuit. Canadians claim Trivial Pursuit as one of their many famous inventions (along with the Telephone, Television, and AM Radio). While I'm not exactly sure how they can claim the Telephone as a Canadian invention, T.P. does seem to have been invented by Canadians. I am a Trivial Pursuit fanatic and greatly enjoy crushing people with my knowledge of meaningless facts. So thanks, eh.

But, while I love Captain Dumbass with all my heart, I have to admit there are a few Canadian exports that I wouldn't mind sending back to the giant snowy chesterfield up north. Here they are, in no particular order:

* Celine Dion. Seriously, we're sick of her.
* Rick Moranis.
* k.d. lang
* Avril Lavigne
* Corey Haim (how has he not been deported?)
* Bridge Mix
* Hockey
* Curling - Can it really be considered a sport?

Canadian Thanksgiving Day is kind of different from American Thanksgiving day. It was first celebrated by a man named Martin Frobisher, and when I read that I thought, why would the Canadians care about that guy? What has he ever done besides interviewing Princess Diana? But then, I kept searching for facts and realized that I was confusing Martin Frobisher with Martin Bashir. Big difference.

I also read that Canadians eat duck in their igloos on Thanksgiving Day and then follow up their meal with a rousing round of Curling. That might not be accurate, either. You can't trust Wikipedia, you know.

The Captain, being the highly patriotic Canadian that he is, is spending the Canadian Day of Thanksgiving in Seattle. I'm sure he's giving thanks right now for the bountiful harvest that Canada has been blessed with and also the bountiful coffee beans that the northwestern United States is blessed with.

But that's OK, Captain, not to worry. In gratitude for this guest post, I'll take up your Canadian duties for the day. I'm going to eat some Canadian bacon, pancakes with maple syrup, watch "Kids in the Hall," and then kick my husband's ass in Trivial Pursuit (junior edition). Oh, Canada, I stand on guard for thee.

Thanks for letting me take over today, Captain D.!

Do you think I should tell her she's the first ever guest poster at Us and Them?


  1. My childhood wouldn't have been the same without YCDTOTV. Thanks Canada! I would gladly send all of those horrid things/people back to Canada too. Except hockey, we need it. You survived your first guest post, congrats!

  2. I always wondered if the father on YCDTOTV was drunk or just stupid. For the love of Canada, Blissfully Caf. makes me love it even more, eh? Great guest post!

  3. Not first, but totally the best I could do on a work day!!!

    Bravo! Ladies: (Jen and Dumbass) this was amazing! I learned so much about our neighbor to the north. Many things I didn't want to learn, but they should prove helpful when I go up for a stay with the Captain and his family.

    Jen, you rock and you know you do. I am scream laughing and scream crying at you right now. Everyone at my sons's preschool is wondering what's wrong with me. I'm all, "she said eating ducks in an igloo!"When someone ticks me off today, and they totally will, I'm going to tell them to go eat a duck in an igloo. It sounds like an insult doesn't it? Love you. Mean it!

  4. Happy Thanksgiving to a fellow Canadian!

    Great post Ms Caffinated.

  5. I enjoyed this tremendously. Also, I'm this close to forsaking Oprah because of her creepy and irrational love for Celine Dion.

  6. I realize that today, if You Can't Do That On Television came on today, I'd walk through the living room, spy my kids watching it, and make some off-hand, snide remark about how lame it is, but OMG, I freakin' loved that show back in the day. I wanted to make out with Kevin and have Moose be my best friend, for realz.

    Well done on the guest posting front!

  7. I'm off to get an igloo. That duck sounds too tasty. I am totally stunned about you making things up as you go. I have to go ponder life now.

  8. Wait a second...I'm vitriolic? Well, maybe a little, I guess. But only when it's "that time." Otherwise, I have a sweet and loving disposition.

    I did not know that I was the first ever guest poster here at Us & Them. Luckily, I'm setting the bar pretty low, so all of you other potential guest posters aren't scared off the next time Captain Dumbass needs someone to fill in.

    Thanks for the comments everyone. I did have to take a valium this morning due to my anxiety over this guest post, so I'm glad people are actually reading it and not closing the browser as soon as they see that the Captain is not here.

    And Jenbo - quite scream laughing at Henry's preschool. You'll frighten the children. :)-

  9. But who doesn't like to follow a hearty meal with a round of curling??

    Also, how cool was Alisdair's hair back in the day? Man, all the girls in junior high wanted a boyfriend with hair like that.

  10. one of my fave things from canada REAL canadian bacon...none of this fake shit like they serve up at mickey d's and even in stores.

    hmm you think we need to start an 'aboot' revolution here in cali? hehe

  11. We also invented basketball,the zipper,Insulin,Imax, the Stanley cup...and most importantly the Retractable beer case holder!!! You know how we love our beer!

  12. "Canada is like America's attic: you never go up there but when you do, it's like, 'Hey, look at all this cool shit up here!'"

    lol. just lol.

    And yeah, you know sometimes I get sick of Canadians and their copycat Thanksgivings, and how they're all posting about this and that, like it's a real holiday, or something! But then I think, hey, I really like maple sugar, and Mike Myers.

    So it comes out in the wash, you know.

  13. Awesome post! Great Canadian bacon, as it were - facts about Canada I never knew and am now thankful for. I'm also thankful... for... William Shatner... Spock!

    I've always thought of Canada as more of America's backyard than attic. That's wrong, though. Just wrong. I respectfully withdraw that.

  14. I love the attic comment. That's priceless!!

  15. Opposing viewpoints re: hockey and curling next Monday.

  16. Okay, okay. I guess we can keep hockey. If we must.

  17. We don't want Celine back. I mean seriously that is a lady that BELONGS in Florida don't ya think?

    Um, we eat turkey, don't have igloos and are looking forward to global warming making all our homes water front property.

    Oh, and we're keeping hockey too.

    Love, love, love the attic comment too......

  18. Jen, your guest blog was great!
    Enjoyed it very much, hard to get
    power through the ice in our igloo.
    We await the sled team to take us
    to buy our moose legs, aye~
    Did you know that us Canucks invented Basketball as well as hockey...and as for Curling!!!
    I've been ON curling teams and it
    is definitely not as easy as it might look. You start off freezing
    your ass off and end up hot as hell
    from all the sweeping. Hmmm, why would anyone want to go out on the ice and sweep. ok, maybe curing is a little strange. You try living in the cold and dark and staying sane. If you're looking
    for cool weather , don't come up in the summer, we can get in the high 90's without any problem.
    again great guest blog
    Cpt. Dumbass mom

  19. "Hey, look at all this cool shit up here!"

    LOL! I love it!

  20. Well hi (oh crap) Captain Dumbass's mother. (I might be in trouble.)

    I'm really sorry if I unintentionally insulted you or any member of your family.

    You know, I wasn't really serious about sending back Corey Haim and Bridge Mix and that other stuff. It was all just meant to be funny.

    And you know, I know that you guys don't really live in igloos. And Curling is a fine sport and totally deserves to be in the Olympics. (I hope she's buying this.)

    And I have now even been convinced that the telephone was invented in Canada.

    The only thing I was serious about was Celine Dion. Is it possible for you to call someone and have her deported?

    Other than that, this post was just meant to be a friendly jest, and I really do love Canada and plan to visit there someday. Maybe I could even stay at your house. No? OK, that is completely understandable.

    Just so you know, your son seems to be a fine young man. And your daughter-in-law is lovely and your grandchildren are absolutely adorable.

    Have a nice evening.

    (Please don't ground me.)

  21. Alright, I was all ready to get my Canadian defenses up and cry because I would have to disown you...but you did good. ;)
    Except that duck, part. Ducks migrate South, babe. We're totally clubbing those baby seals this time of year and using their tender hides for our snow shoes.
    (man, I'm going to hell for this one)

  22. We all need regular reminders why we should keep Canada around, so thanks. ;)


    Sort of.

  23. You forgot about Moose...they have moose too!

  24. Um, you forgot the very talented Pamela Anderson!! Canada can most definitely have her back! I think she has done all the damage she can to America....


Come on, sailor. I love you long time.