Thursday, May 6, 2010

I'm Not Dead, It's Just How I Look


Despite my icy cool exterior, this is me on the inside. No, that's not true, because it's also me every time my boys are in the same room together. I don't know if it's just the stress of mommy being in the hospital and their routine being screwed up or they're just trying to break me, but for the last week, if they are awake, they are fighting. And the ridiculous crap they're fighting about?! I know my brother and I fought all the time when we were younger, but at least it was over normal things, like he was looking at me. They've fought so much lately that they've run out of things to fight about and are now inventing shit just so they can keep going. No. It must be some kind of plot. Take their last hair wash day, for example:

Connor: Hey, when daddy gives you the cloth to put over your eyes, start crying that it's dark.
Liam: That it's dark? But that's crazy. I want the cloth to keep the water out of my eyes?
Connor: I KNOW! Daddy won't know what to do.
Liam: That's brilliant! You know what would make it better though? When I'm done you should start laughing at me and calling me a baby.
Connor: High five!
*slaps*

Oh ya, it's a barrel o' laughs. Supreme Leader is still in the hospital. She and the baby are fine, but the doctor wants to keep her in until she has hit 32 weeks. Then he'll re-evaluate and go from there. Which might just be placating us and he has no intention of letting her go. We'll see next week. It could be worse though, there's another woman on her floor who has been in for eight weeks already. She's at the same stage as Supreme Leader and isn't leaving until the baby is born. Then there's the woman whose hooha had to be sewn shut to keep baby in there until its due date. It's all a matter of perspective, right?

Whose or who's? Whatever. I'd care but my throat is on fire and I have some kind of funky rash on my neck and chest. With all the running around and trips to the hospital and the never ending stress of my beloved children trying to crack my head open like a pi├▒ata I've managed to catch whatever hideous cold Connor had a few weeks ago. Either that or I need to bathe. Or I'm actually already dead and all that processed cheese and those Big Mac Meals are somehow slowing my decomp. Meh, I'm sure the kids will have me stuffed so they can keep tormenting me. And they don't want their baby brother to miss out on all the fun.

And now I'll go upstairs and make sure they're tucked in and their room is warm enough and I'll look down on their peaceful little faces and I'll forget the screaming banshees that they were earlier and maybe I'll even feel a little guilty for getting angry at them so much and promise myself to go a little easier on them tomorrow. Then they'll wake up tomorrow morning and Connor will start glaring at Liam for having the audacity to be happy in the morning instead of a troll like him and the circle of life will continue on as it should.

PS. I just found this after publishing the post and HAD to add it. Please note, this should not be taken as an announcement from the Dumbass family, we are not having twins and Supreme Leader's name is not Jennifer (though, this being a blog, it should be).


49 comments:

  1. ok, the vid is incredible...that the MF is labeled kickass sperm is hillarious....i feel for you on getting ganged up on...

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  2. Poor you :( Hope both boys wake up sunshiny today, your cold has miraculously disappeared and Supreme Leader comes home!

    PS: That video was hysterical. Some people are so damn talented.

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  3. Flying the flags, spinning the wheels for you all. One foot forward, next five minutes, that's all you need to do.


    That video was hilarious! (highfive)

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  4. Omigosh. They can sew your hooha shut?! (Well...not YOURS, but you get my point right?) I'm never going to be the same after reading that!

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  5. That video was much funnier than having your hooha sewn shut!

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  6. I thought they sewed the hooha shut SO YOU WOULDN'T get pregnant. Oh well.

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  7. Supreme Leader & Baby are fine, that's great!
    And you're doing an amazing job at home :-)

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  8. I hope Supreme Leader is holding up well. You're a good dad.

    That video is amazing!

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  9. Okay - I have to comment on that video first - because THAT is freaking BRILLIANT!! Although I kind of want to punch people that have that much time on their hands.

    How do the kids know the exact right time to F with us? It's like they're hardwired to sense our diminished capabilities. I'm confident you'll make it. Be sure to tell SL we are all thinking about her!

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  10. The video was brilliant. Though I am disappointed that the author is not naming the twins Luke and Leia. Fighting among sibs is common but in your case it is probably intensified by the fact that SL is in the hospital. Hospitals can be scary places for kids. Not sure what you can do except try to keep the bloodshed to a minimum.

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  11. Can't you just sedate everyone until the adventure is over. Or just yourself. With booze and / or a hammer.

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  12. Hang in there! Maybe you should take the kids to the dog park, get them to run themselves so much that they pass out when they get home.

    Oh, and greatest video birth announcement EVER.

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  13. My advice, lay on the sofa, screw up your face like a toddler and whine, "I miss mommy!" The see what happens. And thank God there's only one baking inside Darth Enabler.

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  14. Oh hells, I'm right there with you. Does one climb on your back while you're trying to give the other one a bath? That's been my favorite this week. It's like he senses that my hands are tied up and I can't possibly make him stop without endangering his brother- win win for him. Either he gets to climb on me, or his brother drowns.

    My suggestion? Remember this. One day you'll be able to sit in a lawn chair with a cool drink and watch them mow the lawn and wash the car. 3 sons means you're raising your own manual labor force.

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  15. My brother had 4 kids, 3 boys, one girl. He's often heard saying things like "What do you people all get together and decide to piss me off all on the same day? Synchronized BullSh*t? You all decide who's going to do what, so that there's maximum piss-off effect?!"

    One day, his daughter walked in and he was yelling at all three boys. She looked around and said "What did I miss a meeting or something?"

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  16. That video was an excellent find.

    Just keep breathing, the boys will keep acting up and you'll all make it until the SL gets home, which I hope will be very soon!

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  17. Hope the force is with you at this testing time.

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  18. I'm glad to hear that SL and Baby Dumbass are okay. Being on bedrest SUCKS. I did it for 6 weeks (though only 1 week in the hospital). I nearly went crazy. I'm glad they didn't have to sew my hooha sewn shut. Ouch.
    That video is so awesome it almost makes me want to get pregnant and have twins so we could do one like it. Or you know, not.

    BTW, did you get my bacon pics? I saw this yesterday and thought of you:

    http://comixed.com/2010/05/05/4-koma-comic-strip-you-tell-them/

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  19. It's most likely that they are using the change in routine to go apeshit. And also, I'm sure they can tell you are stressed out, so that just eggs them on. At least this is my own theory with my kids.

    Can you call in a friend or neighbor to come for dinner once a week and help you feed/bathe the boys? I try to do this when Nelson travels, and just having another adult in the house works miracles for my sanity.

    If all else fails, use the Force. It is strong with you. I hate to advocate the use of the Force on minors, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

    And, BLOGGING JENNIFERS, HOO-RAH!

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  20. Whew, luckily my name is Jen, so you're not talking about me. ;-)
    Glad SL is fine, she can probably use the break from all the testosterone while you three run amok, just fire up a few grilled cheese men for the kiddos and as long as they're wearing underwear and nothing is burning, consider it a win. Keep your head high, Cap'n, you're almost out of the woods!

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  21. Don't fee guilty. Get revenge. Or maybe a nice long shower.

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  22. Dude, there is no way in your personal version of hell that your wife is coming home. Sorry. But you already know this I can tell.

    I fought unmercifully with my brother and sister. It was really bad. We "get along" now. . .

    And have you been over to JibJab? They have a Starwars clip you can paste faces into and my dear and loving aunt sent it to me with our family faces plugged in. My aunt is a keeper.

    Virus's have been rampant this year. I hate Kindergarten.

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  23. You remind me of Bill Cosby. :P
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tt33zqib2qk

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  24. Funny video. It sounds rough for you. Hang in there man.

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  25. Oh. My. God. I am so sorry she/they are in the hospital. And she left you with the kids! Kidding. I hope everyone is nice to each other and that SL gets lots of rest and comes home soon.

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  26. Sorry to hear that you're having to hold the fort (did I miss a post or something?) but glad all are ok. Presumably when the little terrors are in bed you are cracking open the Guinness and watching some Star Wars?

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  27. Oh, man. There is a disturbance in the Force, for sure.

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  28. You said once you have a garden, right?
    How about you use the shovel and... let's just say your boys won't be bothering you so soon.

    And WTF did the creator of that Vid smoke? D:

    Oh, and double-WTF? -They sew her thingy shut?
    Glad it is not the Supreme Leader's fate!

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  29. Eight weeks in the hospital waiting to have a baby?? Dang! Down here in Baja Georgia they would've cut the little rug rat out within eight hours! Time is money and all that you know. Naw, we yanks don't need no stinkin' national health care.

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  30. Hope that was helpful in your time of need.

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  31. Bwaaaahaaaa, I am not you right now.

    Hang in there.

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  32. OMG THat was BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!



    and you guys? Welcome to the rest of your CRAZY life.

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  33. All I can say is I'm so glad I'm not you right now. ;) Sounds like the boys are testing the limits since the Supreme Leader isn't around to give them the stink eye.

    Speaking of the SL - glad to hear she and the baby are OK! Hang in there and hopefully you'll be OK too! :)

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  34. Sore throat and rash = Scarlet Fever.

    Google it. You could be dying.

    ;)

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  35. well you sound like you're breaking out in hives because of the stress? or you picked something up at the hospital? Keep yourself clean, and the kids clean and well it could be worse the big kid could bring home "critters" to help you out!

    Prayers for the Supreme Leader. STICKY Dust to reach a good solid 36wks!

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  36. Great post...love the line, "Then there's the woman whose hooha had to be sewn shut..." I'm thinking of a turkey at Thanksgiving all sewn up to keep the stuffing in! Maybe I should go eat something...

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  37. Hospital stays longer than one night suck the big pudding. So do rashes and children sitting on your last good nerve. You have my sympathies. You're stressed, Captain. Stressed to the max. Get some grandparent help ASAP and then...some sleep. I'm not a doctor, but I do play one on tv.

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  38. Some days you just have to write off. And then sometimes it's weeks. As long as you keep dusting yourself off, watch a few star wars clips, and start each day new. Keep loving them and don't kill them. Sometimes that's all we can ask of ourselves.

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  39. Awww. Hope everyone's feeling better soon!!!

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  40. "I know my brother and I fought all the time when we were younger, but at least it was over normal things, like he was looking at me."

    I remember once my sister Ann and I were battling -- whacking eachother (always in the back, for some reason), screaming, crying -- and my mom yelled upstairs, "What are you fighting about???" We stopped, looked at eachother, and realized we had no idea.

    Ellie

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  41. When I was pregnant with my twins, my best friend was ALSO pregnant with twins (I know - weird). Anyway - it's really common for twin mothers to have some level of bed rest toward the end of their pregnancy. But sometimes it's serious enough that they have to do it in the hospital. This happened to my friend. Luckily, it was her first pregnancy and she didn't have to worry about leaving any other children at home for months (or from your perspective - her husband didn't have to handle solo childcare for two months while she was in the hospital). It made me realize how lucky I was that this didn't happen to me as I already had an 18 month old at home.

    I realize you're not having twins - but your wife and her hospital neighbors remind me of the stories I'd hear from my friend.

    I can't imagine how hard it must be for her to be away from all of you and for you to have to basically be a single dad while she's away. AND mostly for the kids...that's the hardest. You have a great sense of humor and that will get you through it - but I just wanted to acknowledge the logistical and emotional nightmare that you are weathering with such grace.

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  42. OH MAN! I know exactly what you're going through. One time I ate too much cheese and was constipated for like a week! Okay, that's not really the same but I guess I was miserable too.

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  43. Hey ... I'm playing catch-up. I'm glad da momma is doing well and getting some much required rest. Baby should be well and truly cooked and ready to go with all that going on!!!

    Your poor boys, kids are funny, they know something is different, changing, they have no control over it, so they lose control all together. CRAYZEE times, kind of like the crayzee glued wallpaper. That sheet jussa happens!

    The diva is adorable btw.

    You just hang in there daddy-o ... it'll all smooth out!

    Namaste!

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  44. Oh! I'm soo sorry she is in the hospital. I hope they don't to sew her shut because OMFG that sounds HIDEOUS. Maybe they can just microwave the baby so it cooks faster or something (please note, I'm not a REAL doctor. Therefore, my medical advice might be off...)

    Since I don't have kids, I also can't give you any advice. However, I DO have a dog. Maybe you should take them to the dog park and throw a ball until they tire out and/or give them drugs. Either way.

    You are welcome!

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  45. Wow, it sounds pretty rough over there! Hang in there and try not to let it all make you crazy. (Too late?)

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  46. Ok, so I have a funny story about getting your hooha sewn shut. It's too much to type here. Maybe I'll email you later.

    The procedure is actually called a "cerclage" and it's where they sew the cervix closed in an effort to keep the baby from delivering too early.

    I'm a plethora of information, I know.

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  47. I hope the rash has cleared up by now, you STD having bastard.

    My kids are always fighting if they're awake. So it's not normal? Like rolling around National Geographic style fighting..

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Come on, sailor. I love you long time.