Friday, July 24, 2009

Dear So & So: Fast Cars, Smelly Smells & Vengeance

Dear So and So...

Dear Guy Driving His Mid-Life Crisis Beside Me,

Yes, your convertible Mustang is nice, and yes, I did speed up a little and pass you just to get you to react. Thanks for falling into that stereotype.

Yours, Man in the Man-Van

PS. Pussycat Dolls? Seriously?


Dear Mosquitos,

I'VE GOT NOTHIN' LEFT TO GIVE!!!

Yours, Bloodless


Dear Oldest,

When you have to go, please just go. Please. Holding it in until you're bored enough with whatever you're doing to go is cruel and unusual punishment for the rest of us. The house smells like a barn.

Yours, Dry Heaving


Dear God, Where Do I Get One Of These?


With four magical tusks and three adorable animals to impale? SOLD!!!

Yours... what? Don't look at me like that.
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50 comments:

  1. sasJuly 24, 2009 at 12:29 AM

    with 4 magical tusks and 3 animals to impale, that is going straight on my birthday present list.

    ReplyDelete
  2. ♥ BrajaJuly 24, 2009 at 1:51 AM

    Put.the.baby.seal.down.

    ReplyDelete
  3. ♥ BrajaJuly 24, 2009 at 1:51 AM

    Back.slowly.away.from.computer.

    ReplyDelete
  4. ♥ BrajaJuly 24, 2009 at 1:51 AM

    Call.child.protection.services.

    (or is it animal protection??)

    ReplyDelete
  5. JamieJuly 24, 2009 at 2:19 AM

    Yes, do tell, where can I get one of those ~

    ReplyDelete
  6. MikeJuly 24, 2009 at 3:10 AM

    I encounter those midlife drivers quite a bit! It is pretty funny, actually!

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  7. Mom in High HeelsJuly 24, 2009 at 3:22 AM

    OMG, that toy is awesome. Indy's b-day is tomorrow. Think it would scar him for life if I got him one?

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  8. Irish GumboJuly 24, 2009 at 3:38 AM

    They aren't just animals, they are ADORABLE animals! yikes..

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  9. MichelJuly 24, 2009 at 3:42 AM

    I didn't realize that cruelty to animals was considered a hilarious toy in Canada. But I suppose I should have just figured that out - based upon other things your country has that doesn't make sense. i.e. canadian bacon is NOT effin bacon dude! That's not even good ham!

    Your son is going to grow up to be a serial killer. I am almost positive that this is how it starts...impaling toys, blog mockery, hilarious photos...yep. Serial killer. OR, you're going to have one hefty therapy bill. could go either way.

    ReplyDelete
  10. KatJuly 24, 2009 at 4:13 AM

    That toy? Is pure awesomeness.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hit 40July 24, 2009 at 4:21 AM

    I had to replace all my toilets in my house due to the same problem with my boys. They like to wait and wait!!! They plugged the darn thing every time. I got tired of plunging it. We replaced all of them with the top american standard model. Excellent. Honestly, priceless. I have not had to plunge the toilet since.

    I also like to bait people in my car at stop lights when the road narrows from 2 lanes to 1. I like to pretend like I am going to gun it. I will creep up a little and then a little more to make them think that I plan to get to be first to the 1 lane. They floor it every time. I just slip in behind them. I just wanted to see them burn a little rubber.

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  12. Woman with KidsJuly 24, 2009 at 4:21 AM

    I wonder if there are other animals available? Perhaps a rhino that can impale baby lions or antelope... maybe a puppy or two?

    I don't understand why kids are so violent these days...

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  13. MicheleJuly 24, 2009 at 4:27 AM

    PETA member laughing hysterically at the toy. Oh wait, I hate PETA.

    ReplyDelete
  14. mo.stoneskinJuly 24, 2009 at 4:30 AM

    Listen Mister. The Pussycat Dolls were on the damn radio. I didn't like it, or enjoy it, but what can I do? Switch to a jazz station? In a Mustang? Yeah right. Or a rock station? Hell, I don't wanna listen to Bon Jovi on repeat do I?

    ReplyDelete
  15. UnknownJuly 24, 2009 at 4:46 AM

    LOL at Braja!!

    Don't get why animal cruelty is funny either, but to each his own.

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  16. jenJuly 24, 2009 at 5:15 AM

    not sure if it's animal cruelty or just a process of nature?
    do narwahl's really do that?
    so bizarre ... but my kids love narwahls. creeps other people out when they know what they are.
    think it stems from the movie elf, when he says "goodbye mr. narwahl."
    stupid line. funny movie.

    ReplyDelete
  17. KrystalJuly 24, 2009 at 6:13 AM

    I think that the holding it is a boy thing because yeah - we've had to crack open a few windows here and there. You don't want to know what comes out of Sneaky Monkey when he does hold it in ...ewwww

    As far as the toy goes - cute!!! but keep it away from Little Man m'kay? He is violent enough already

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  18. CammieJuly 24, 2009 at 6:14 AM

    BAH.
    That was some funny shit
    Thanks

    ReplyDelete
  19. wendysitoJuly 24, 2009 at 6:45 AM

    Pick me up one too when you go... I hate the toy store..plus I don't have any young kids at home anymore, so I just look weird.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Mango GirlJuly 24, 2009 at 6:59 AM

    I am so getting that toy! I have to go online shopping now...

    ReplyDelete
  21. robinJuly 24, 2009 at 7:11 AM

    Mustangs are total penis-mobiles. When we pass them, we just point and laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  22. ArtsnarkJuly 24, 2009 at 7:15 AM

    found the narwhal set easy enough - very cool.

    I see there is the standard choking hazard warning but where's the "you could put an eye out" warning?

    ReplyDelete
  23. HarmonyJuly 24, 2009 at 7:26 AM

    LMAO Absolutely brilliant!

    And might I add that I freaking hate mosquitos? Where we live they are everywhere. In the two hours that I have been up I have already killed 10. 10!! And ants..oh how I loathe ants!

    My oldest went through a phase of putting off the restroom until the last minute too. He just wanted to do what he was doing and couldn't be bothered with the call of nature. It drove me nuts. As soon as I would see him getting all squirmy I would have to force him to use the restroom. Force? Yes force. He would say "but I don't have to go" and continue to play. Force is my making him stop playing and walking him to the bathroom. Where he would then have a releasing of the dam effect on our toilet. Why do they wait?

    ReplyDelete
  24. GrantJuly 24, 2009 at 7:28 AM

    Your Avenging Narwhal can play with my Rei Ayanami figure.

    ReplyDelete
  25. unmitigated meJuly 24, 2009 at 7:45 AM

    Dude! I'm in Chicago! At BlogHer! Where I get points for knowing you. It rocks.

    ReplyDelete
  26. unmitigated meJuly 24, 2009 at 7:46 AM

    That's a tooth on the narwhal,BTW. Did you know that? It grows through the lip.

    ReplyDelete
  27. SomeoneJuly 24, 2009 at 7:51 AM

    your going straight to hell for the seal game. sick sick man............

    ReplyDelete
  28. JessJuly 24, 2009 at 7:57 AM

    LOL that toy is awesome...and how did you know it was The Pussycat Dolls?

    ReplyDelete
  29. KateJuly 24, 2009 at 8:04 AM

    So funny, I love the way you right! Thanks for stopping by my sight. Please feel free to visit anytime, I'll leave the light on for you!

    ReplyDelete
  30. KeelyJuly 24, 2009 at 8:32 AM

    Oh. My. God. WHERE DID YOU FIND THAT???

    ReplyDelete
  31. lynette355July 24, 2009 at 8:52 AM

    as always, laughing til i pee.
    why do you do that to me....
    dear captin dumbass...
    how do you make up this stuff?????
    or is it from caring for boys all day that has rotted your lil mind?
    Crazed Mind

    ReplyDelete
  32. blissfully caffeinatedJuly 24, 2009 at 9:47 AM

    It actually says on the box "With 3adorable baby animals to impale." Unbelievable. I mean, at the very least they could have picked some un-adorable animals to impale. Like opossums, and rats and hairless cats. I could get behind a toy like that. But adorable little baby creatures? That's just over the line, my friend.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Cape Cod GalJuly 24, 2009 at 11:09 AM

    Holding it in is a boy thing. Except for my husband. I swear, the man lives in the bathroom!

    ReplyDelete
  34. Divine ChaosJuly 24, 2009 at 11:16 AM

    omg that's hysterical .. who doesn't want to impale adorable baby animals, after all? lololol

    ReplyDelete
  35. AnonymousJuly 24, 2009 at 11:29 AM

    Who was the creator mad at when he designed that play set??

    ReplyDelete
  36. LisaJuly 24, 2009 at 11:58 AM

    I wanna impale someone........ waaaaah

    ReplyDelete
  37. James (SeattleDad)July 24, 2009 at 12:59 PM

    Did you finish up strong and look over at him, tilt your head back, and laugh your ass off?

    Gotta get me one of those Narwhals! Suh-Weet, with impaling action.

    ReplyDelete
  38. ShannonJuly 24, 2009 at 1:32 PM

    You can buy it here: http://www.mcphee.com/items/11689.html, but I prefer this one: http://www.mcphee.com/items/11731.html

    ReplyDelete
  39. PollyannaJuly 24, 2009 at 2:14 PM

    I really get tired of hearing, "I have to go potty." when we're at home and the bathroom is two feet away. Just go already!

    I'm having fun traveling to everyone from Kat's place :)

    ReplyDelete
  40. Ms. SaltiJuly 24, 2009 at 2:45 PM

    Seriously, what's with kids who don't feel the need to go pee when it's time?! Little shits!

    Dudes having mid-life crises need to seek professional help. Seriously!

    I'm watching King of the Hill and they're searching for truffles and having issues with MySpace. What the hell is my life coming to?

    ReplyDelete
  41. CaseyJuly 24, 2009 at 7:17 PM

    Those others might judge but I like your sick sense of humor.

    ReplyDelete
  42. SurprisedMomJuly 24, 2009 at 8:03 PM

    I'm laughing. The husband is staring at me. What? This is funny stuff!

    ReplyDelete
  43. apathy loungeJuly 24, 2009 at 8:25 PM

    I feel bad because the Narwhal makes me laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  44. DKCJuly 25, 2009 at 8:09 AM

    Must.Have.Vengeful.Narwhal.

    ReplyDelete
  45. Out-NumberedJuly 25, 2009 at 8:57 AM

    I'm a backstreet boys guy myself. Pussycat Dolls is just pathetic.

    ReplyDelete
  46. jerlynJuly 25, 2009 at 12:09 PM

    So it sounds like you missed the hell out of us!!! Sicko Pics!
    Big Red has started to journal our whistler trip, the big sissy.

    ReplyDelete
  47. jerlynJuly 25, 2009 at 12:10 PM

    So it sounds like you missed the hell out of us!!! Sicko Pics!
    Big Red has started to journal our whistler trip, the big sissy.

    ReplyDelete
  48. AiringMyLaundryJuly 25, 2009 at 9:39 PM

    This cracked me up.

    Ugh, as I wrote this a mosquito buzzed around me.

    ReplyDelete
  49. SweetPeaSurryJuly 26, 2009 at 6:33 PM

    Oh my ... the guy in the mid-life crisis car ... I would have pointed and laughed at him. I'm guessing you meant he was actually listening to the PC Dolls. As the kids say today 'FAIL'.

    Yeah ... I have to go with Braja on the Tusky Baby Seal Impaler. Just walk away man, it's not worth going to hell for!

    blessins!

    ReplyDelete
  50. Zip n TizzyAugust 2, 2009 at 1:39 AM

    Love that one of the adorable baby animals is a koala bear. Because they come in contact with Narwhales so frequently, it makes perfect sense.

    ReplyDelete

Come on, sailor. I love you long time.

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