Monday, April 20, 2009

A Tale of Gluttony in Twelve Courses

Saturday night we loaded up the Dumbass family and headed off to Burnaby (hometown of Michael J. Fox, Joe Sakic and Michael Bublé. Oh, and I was born there) and the Fortune House Seafood Restaurant for a punishing twelve rounds of Olympic consumption. Dinner was for a little guy named Ronan who's been on the outside for one whole month now. What? Not prison, the womb. In many Asian cultures this is cause for... well, it's an excuse to eat. Sadly I have no picture of little Ronan. All mine sucked and my sister-in-laws haven't downloaded theirs yet.

As soon as we get there Liam discovers a few things. One, chocolates at every place setting. Two, every place setting has chopstick holders shaped like a dragon's head. Three, he is small and easily overlooked.

The chocolate was quickly confiscated before I took the picture.

Eats! Course #1. Roast pork and mixed meat platter. A little something to take the edge off. The little rolls were crab meat. Connor actually ate one. We were so happy we were ready to give him the chocolates.

#2 Deep fried stuffed crab claws with minced shrimp. Grab the claw like he's shaking your hand. "I died for your pleasure!" "Appreciate it, pal!"

#3 Sautéed shrimps and cuttlefish with vegetables.

#4 Ah, Bruce. Fish are friends, not food.

You sadly, were food. There was speculation at our table that we were getting fin-less soup since murdering sharks for their tasty fins is frowned upon now, but it was not so.

#5 Lobster is a staple at any of these banquets, but you know what a lobster looks like. How about a four year old kissing a decapitated lobster head? Betcha haven't seen that!

#6 Braised abalone mushrooms. Or, braised surgical glove in oyster sauce. Not my favourite.

#7 Steamed whole fish. I had better shots of this, but I liked his sad face. "Why? Why did you do this to me?"

#8. Deep fried crispy chicken. Whatever, it's all about the shrimp chips.

#9 Nine? I don't have a name for nine, but it's served a lot because the noodles stand for long life or something like that. All the dishes have some type of meaning but this is the only one I know for sure. Well, mostly sure.

#10 Honeymoon fried rice and braised E-Fu noodles in abalone sauce. By this point you start hoping they'll stop bringing plates out.

#11 But then its dessert time! I don't know what this erotic jello masterpiece was called, but I seriously contemplated stealing the plate and running. Sadly I'd had to undo my pants half way through and running was entirely out of the question.

#12 Sweetened red bean soup. Fini.

By far the coolest part of the dinner was the Dyson Airblade hand dryers in the washrooms. If you're laughing at me you haven't tried one. If you're nodding your head at me in understanding? I KNOW! They're so cool! Twelve seconds and your hands are dry. They need ones for your entire body. Though maybe not your goodies. Even though it's only air it is being forced out a tiny opening at 640 kilometres an hour.

And that was Saturday. Got the kids home around eleven-ish and they were a TREAT Sunday. Couldn't even tell they'd been up late the night before. Heh heh. *nervous twitch*


  1. I have to applaud your eating ability. I could not have made through all of that (and not only because I don't like seafood). While I expected pictures of the lunch/dinner the last one was a surprise.

    I simply find it funny you took a picture of the hand dryer. That's the stuff that makes for a good hearty post.

  2. Listen mister, if you're gonna be posting later then I need to adjust my routine.

    [Mental note to adjust routine]

    I envy your gluttony, disappointed you didn't save me a crab claw to wear round my neck in a demonstration of the tribal spirit within.

  3. We ran into hand dryers in Georgia that would take the skin off a baby.

  4. The Dyson Airblade is unbelievable. I want them in my house. Your idea for a "body size" Airblade is genius. Your goodies would prolly be fine - or it could come with a little protective cup. People should seek, find, and try the Airblade. It's that amazing.

  5. I'm not sure about anybody else, but that fried crab with his claws sticking out was just spooky. Plus, it looked more like a bird with no eyes. Other than that, I'm on board for the next meal, as long as the jello hasn't been in your pants.

    Happy birthday Ronan! You were born into a crazy family but luckily, crazy is good.

  6. Wow. I'm certain I gained a pound or two just reading your post. It all looks amazing though.
    I've used those hand dryers too. Awesome. Dyson. What will that crazy man think of next? I miss his commercials. I'm sure they have them on the German stations (wouldn't they?) but I don't watch enough German TV to know.

  7. Yeah, I tried that surgical glove dish one time. No thanks. Never again.

  8. I hope you ate yourself sick. My favorite thing in the world is a big meal with good people. Looks like you all did it exactly right. The sad faced fish was my fav. Why? How did this happen? so very sad and then you ate him.

  9. Holy, that's a lot of freakin' food! Looks like a good time!

  10. I went to a place in the "U" district in Seattle that served a meal like this once. I'd never eaten so much in my life. It was not pretty.

  11. Holy Cow that's a lot of food. I'm totally going to have to find a place with those hand dryers... I need to check them out now!!

  12. Ok, this is so weird. I saw an interview with Michael J Fox last week and he was talking about how he was born in the same town as Captain Dumbass!

    For Realz...

    PS: The sad fish picture made me pee myself. I wonder if they make a Dyson for that.

  13. Oh ! So much food! I got full just reading that!

  14. not sure that i could have stomached half of that ... especially after you named surgical gloves in the description ... kinda ruined it for me.
    but then you made a total comeback with the hand dryers! i wash my hands twice just to use them again!

  15. The hand dryer may work for the entire body since it's so high tech. Next time sponge bathe in the sink and then give it a whirl.

  16. yeah.. the slime of the braised surgical glove in oyster sauce just makes me want to skip to the chocolate..

    that gets any bad taste out of your mouth.


  17. You think your traditional meals are scary? You should come to a sedar. We make balls out of matzo meal and force people to eat them. Yum.
    And the famous people? I know who two of them are, but Michael J. Fox? Who's that?

  18. Poor Capn... That just sounds rough. Sorry that you guys were up so late! But the food looked great!

  19. Yeah....mess with children's sleep schedule = disaster

  20. That post just made me wanna put on sweat pants

  21. Wow. That is, um, a lot of seafood. How could you eat that sad little fish? It's like he's imploring you to save him with his sad, dead little fish eyes.

  22. Steamed fish lookin' at ya is freaking my ass out!

  23. "well maybe not your goodies"


  24. All that food looked AMAZING! I wish we had that tradition after popping out a kid...I wouldn't mind all these baby showers I keep having to go to!

  25. That crab claw looks like a deep-fried bird head.

  26. I would have made a Ginormouse fool out of myself there.

    Honestly, I don't know why "there" is any different than "here".

    The food looks better "there".

  27. I am so adopting that tradition if I have another kid.

    Sounds fabulous.

  28. That is a lot of food!

    I feel like I need to go to the gym after looking at all of it.

    And the dryer in the bathroom, I wonder where I can get one of those things for my kid bathroom.

  29. I must now clean the drool off my desk. I am starving and that did not help. Get in my belly fish.

  30. I was ready to barf at the third serving. Or the one with the sad fish.

  31. Sorry I missed that dinner. But
    I remember the big fish head looking at me, from your Wedding
    Dinner. If I recall, I had to have a napkins over it's head to
    get through the meal.

    Tried a great many varities of Chinese Cuisine when I was there.
    Fabulous food! I've had something
    like the dessert you had there,
    wiping the drool off now.

    Be careful, you don't want to
    get a reputation for hanging around Mens Rooms!
    r u planning to bribe little
    dumbass' with all those pictures
    you're taking?

  32. WOW! But you're kind of screwed if you don't enjoy seafood huh?

    Just saw my first Dyson last week and I felt like Judy Jetson sticking my hands in those things!

  33. I'm a little nauseous after looking at all those pictures. I'm sure if I liked seafood it would have affected me differently. Hope you guys enjoyed it! Love the pic of Liam kissing the lobster. Very sassy!

  34. I actually feel ill after looking at all that.

    PS there is nothing wrong with unbuttoning halfway thru.

  35. All other birth celebrations are bound to be a disappointment after this. Poor Ronan.

    Those hand dryers are cool. Except the way they make the skin on your hands flap around is creepy. Not sure I want to see any other body parts flapping around like that.

  36. That was one hulluva meal! What'd'ya drink it all down with anyway?

  37. Looks good! Now, I am hungry :( Those dryers blow your skin almost clear off, right? And then you think, man, my hands are flabby!

  38. That lobster was totally asking for it, the way it was dressed. I don't blame your boy one bit.

  39. Dammit. Now I'm hungry AND jealous...

  40. MY GAWD! The amount of food! Who could eat all that??

    And really, who can eat a cute little cuttle fish? Aren't they the ones like Nemo who are cute and cuddly like their name?

    Looks like your little one enjoyed himself. Which tells me you probably did too. ;)

  41. They just installed one of those dryers at my work! Makes the skin bounce and tickle at the same time. Kind of kinky. I like.

  42. wow--what a feast.
    no i wont kiss the lobster
    no i dont wish to eat the fish that is looking at me
    yes i will steal the dishes with you! food fetish is also dish fetish.
    ok hand dryer---this is something i would never do. humm put your hands in this contraption and hope it does not cut them off at the wrist. can i say air dry?

  43. did you notice that CSquared said
    "a little protective cup"

    tee hee hee

  44. Even though I just had lunch, I'm really really hungry now after reading that.

  45. You lost me at the fish face. But you got me back at the Dyerson hand blade. So. Cool.

  46. Hilarious comments on the food! "braised surgical glove" stop, you're killin' me.


Come on, sailor. I love you long time.