Monday, February 23, 2009

He Blogs/She Blogs: What the hell was I thinking?

So. Here I am. My first contribution to He Blogs/She Blogs, and yes, I did wet myself a little when I clicked on 'new post.' Before I go any farther though, I want to send a shout out to my worthy competitors for this lofty position (no jokes, Irish!). Christopher, Ryan, Ron, Kevin, Ian & Matt, it was great fun competing for this and I'm more than happy that Petra decided to have everybody guest post against a guesting (?) She blogger.

Ok, I could whine on and on about being nervous and such, but I think I'll just hitch up my skirt and wade on in. Game on.

Sprite's Keeper: Who is better at multi-tasking? Men or women?

Thanks, Jen. When I read this out to Supreme Leader she laughed and laughed. Ah, multi-tasking. Back when I was employed I used to work for a large 'financial institution' (We won't go into details on this since they're still paying my severance for the next 7 months). At my last position, I headed investigations, country wide, for several large banks. Banks, not individual customers, but every customer of these banks. Let me tell you, I multi-tasked like a mofo. And before that? I worked in the treasury where we had deadlines that came down off the Mount with Moses (they were written on the other side). I was a machine.

Then I lost my job. Then real life grabbed me by the junk and screamed "you don't know jack, Buttercup!" And you know what? Life was right. Multi-tasking with children is beyond my Jedi powers. I keep up as best I can, but really, this is way beyond my abilities.

That said, if we ever have to fight our way out of the city during a zombie plague or an alien invasion, I think I might be able to handle that one better.

Cajoh wrote: Here's a question: Does either of you have a partner that snores? I know I can sleep through a hurricane, but I know others can't sleep if the other snores. What words of advice do you have to those suffering sleep deprivation due to their partners' nose flute solos.

Breath-Right nasal strips. Seriously. Apparently I snore. Of course I can neither confirm nor deny this allegation, but my far better half... *I've already started laughing* Sorry, this one always kills me. Soon after we married, Supreme Leader began accusing me of snoring. I hid my indignity at these scurrilous lies and suggested she just push me until I stopped. It didn't help. Neither did kicking me, pinching my nostrils closed or shouting at me. Everytime I think about this or get yelled at the next morning for doing it again I always picture my little wifey trying to roll me over in bed or beating on me and I laugh like a fool. Yes, I'm going to hell, but I'm going with a smile on my face.

Seriously though, sleep deprivation can make for a shaky relationship. Go back to the link and check it out.

From Cat: Hmmm. I would like to know what men REALLY think about cellulite. They say it isn't there (um, yeah it is), they say they can't see it anywhere (what are you, blind?), they say they like our real woman asses much better than all those smooth-assed celebrities (how is that possible?) - so I want to know the TRUTH about cottage cheese thighs.

I'll have to admit to being frightened at this point. Much like Indiana Jones crossing the booby trapped (booby, hee hee) floor towards the golden statue in Raiders. One wrong step and I'll be turned into a pin cushion. Sigh. *adjusts his hat and loosens the whip* Ok, if your ass looks like an accordion, then no, that is not sexy, AT ALL. A little here and there? So what. First off, as ruggedly handsome as I am, this is not Michael Phelps body so who am I to go pointing fingers. Second, Cat, you're thinking like a woman. What do men really think about cellulite? If you're willing to have sex with us, what cellulite?

Finally, from Frogmama: I wanna know why men are such lazy, slovenly pigs who think farting, burping and BO are funny traits to pass along to their children?

Why are we lazy and slovenly? Well that just hurts, Frogmama. I'm not arguing with it, I just think you could have said it better. Farting, burping & BO? Well... they are funny. I have two sons, it's my duty as a man to pass down these things (and I'd probably still do it if I had a daughter, equal opportunity). My boys are too young for BO and they don't have the muscle control for burping on command, but when they're ready, I'll be there. Farting though! It was only a couple of weeks ago that I introduced them to "pull my finger." They thought this was the best thing ever. Then we had a quick meeting and decided that it might be best not to do this around mommy. Just this morning somebody cut one at breakfast but would not fess up to it. Fingers were pointed, accusations leveled and I honestly didn't know who did it. It was a proud moment. I had to get a tissue.

Every night before I get into bed I peel off my rank shirt, cup a hand beneath my armpit and gently waft in my scent. After carefully judging each one I proudly announce the winner to Supreme Leader who laughs and laughs. At least I'm pretty sure she's laughing and not gagging. No, it's laughing. The human body is a wondrous thing, it's only right that you teach your children everything. Hey. I haven't taught them how to make that farting noise with their armpits yet! Thanks, Frogmama.

And there you go, my first He Blogs/She Blogs, I hope I didn't screw it up too badly. To those of you who voted for my competition, I hope I put a smile on your face at some point here. Feel free to go to their site and tell them I sucked, I'll understand. Make sure to head over to Petra's The Wise (*Young*) Mommy to see the She side of the equation.

54 comments:

  1. What a fantastic way to start my day........reading your post.
    Ahhh.....the absurdities of life, no?
    And you never told me........am I an us or a them??? I'm confused about that. But, I do like men. I'm NOT confused about that :)

    Steady On
    Reggie Girl

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  2. YAY!!! That was awesome, and totally reinforced everything I said over at my place.

    You have rightfully earned your spot sir. Your rite of passage is complete and you are officially Mr. He Blogs, She Blogs.

    Aren't you proud?

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  3. Good work, your kids will grow up to be true men, burping, pulling fingers and hopefully snoring too.

    Snoring is the sure sign of manliness. Not to be derided.

    I can achieve vast amounts by multi-tasking at work, often having millions of terminals open and blah blah but put me in a room with a shrieking infant and I can't do nada. Except fart and burp of course.

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  4. That was awesome. You did not disappoint! I would point out each of my favorite parts, but then I'd just be putting the entire post in the comments. Great job!

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  5. Great start!
    Immensely enjoyed it. I'm not sure if I enjoyed it immensely, but I know I immensely enjoyed it.

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  6. Man, Can you imagine if Ron or I would have won the contest?! 4 questions would have easily turned into like 25 pages. Clearly the right man for the job won. Congrats again.

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  7. A He blogs/She blogs virgin no more. That wasn't so bad. In fact, you did an awesome job!

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  8. Great job, Cap'n! All your advice was spot on! (I bought ear plugs for the snoring problem... they work too!)

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  9. *sniff* I'm...so...freakin'...PROUD, I could just burp and fart! *sniff* Oh, wait, I already did that.

    The Force is strong in you, Jedi. Excellent post, and clearly the best man won. Salute!

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  10. Woo-hoo! Your first time! You finally popped your he/she cherry! :)
    Congrats on a great job.

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  11. Well done! Tasteful, yet still maintaining tacky. Truly a balancing act. Bravo!

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  12. i may not have your writing skills, but I challenge you in the burping arena, man....Both my sister and brother have warned me not to teach their kids any of my loathsome tricks to achieving a full-bodied, resonant burp! Fabulous first post of my day.

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  13. Well done Captain! Enjoyed every word. Faovrite phrase - "if you're willing to have sex with us, what cellulite?"

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  14. Oh, you'd totally teach your daughter, you know it.

    I do. She's an AWESOME farter. I'm so proud when she lets out one that not only is loud but is rank.

    She rocks. And will get along terrifically with the eldest Dumbass when they get married.

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  15. ?Captain, tell me you've seen the video (posted on Yahoo yesterday, i think) where the dad is snoring and wakes up his 5 month year old son...THREE TIMES. pretty funny stuff.

    happy monday.

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  16. I am still laughing about the fart jokes and BO comment. I understand that most women don't get it, and maybe because I was raised like a boy, but I think fart jokes aer hilarious.

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  17. Good Job Cap'n— though I'm not sure the breath-right strips would work that well on our dog who snores all the time.

    Can't wait to hear more.

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  18. Okay - I'm a mom but the bodily functions still make me laugh - yeah - really, Little Man lets em rip like they are nobody's business and the laughter just fills up the whole house. My husband on the other hand thinks burps and farts belong in a bathroom - sorry, we all do it so I am not going to judge - as long as it is not in public - let em loose I say!

    Oh and as for the cellulite - accordion?...priceless!!!

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  19. 'I have two sons, it's my duty as a man to pass down these things (and I'd probably still do it if I had a daughter, equal opportunity).'

    Oh yeah, I'm already well on my way to passing down all of these things to my daughters. It's a sacred duty of manhood :D .

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  20. Great post!!!! I love it.

    Multi-tasking with the kids and all that they do...ain't no joke!

    Snoring and farting are just things that us men do...it is in our nature!

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  21. That was freaking awesome. I love the part where life grabbed you by the junk. You have a gift, my friend, a true gift.

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  22. Snoring and farting qualifies for multitasking, right?

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  23. FANTASTIC post! You shold be proud...my favorite line: : "Second, Cat, you're thinking like a woman. What do men really think about cellulite? If you're willing to have sex with us, what cellulite?"
    Oh and cutting one at breakfast and no one fessing up is great. Farts are funny at any age, any sex. They just are!

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  24. Will you STOP with the mentioning of the zombies already? Seriously. Don't make me come over there.

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  25. I think you did a great job! You answered so many questions for me about men, although I knew the answer about who multi-tasks better. We do! Women that is. Sorry, but we do....as you said.

    I'm getting those strips for my husband!

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  26. Life calls you Buttercup?? Man I only get sweetcheeks...on a good day! :)

    Great job!

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  27. Good job Cap'n you did awesome! Laughed my bootay off about the farting at breakfast.

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  28. You did a fantastic job today! She even made me laugh enough to forget my migraine !

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  29. I love the armpit cupping technique. It's like a little gift to the world - just think of the pheromones you are releasing into the world!

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  30. Nice job Captain. Keep it up...(so to speak)

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  31. Kids totally make zombies look like a walk in the park..

    Being a small woman married to a big man.. I too laugh heartily at the thought of trying to wake him and get him to stop snoring.. Luckily, mine generally responds well to me plugging his nose.

    Bah! accordion butt.. sex is sexy - cellulite is gross.

    I have already passed on my talent of burping on cue to my 8yo.. he is his mother's son. Just wait Captain.. that moment will surely bring you to tears.

    Great job Captain!

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  32. I must say that of todays round of he said/she said; I enjoyed your answers more. I can't wait till round two.

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  33. A job well done.

    I'm sorry I voted for Irish!

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  34. Sex makes cellulite disappear. How. Very. True.

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  35. Excellent job!!! Well done!! Sticky wickets and all that jazz. YAY

    I feel more informed now, I really do!

    blessings!

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  36. Well played my man. I must disagree with you on one fine point. My three year old can burn and fart on command. He's gonna be the hit of all the Frat parties. He blames them on others sometimes too. I am proud.

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  37. Awesome!!! It's great to have a "man's" perspective about important issues!!! The part about cellulite I know to be true. After years of worry, Hell...men just don't care.... "got boobs"???

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  38. everyone who loved this post raise your hand!! No, wait- unless you are sweaty man with stinky armpits......


    xoxox

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  39. Loved it. Thank God you didn't speak about dildos....:)

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  40. You didn't mention the time Connor climbed into bed with us middle of the night and you started snoring. He turned to look at me, eyes wide with fear and I had to reassure him that it was just your nose making the noise.

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  41. Still figuring out what the hell he said/she said is,but have a feeling I'm about to find out.

    I like that you feel more prepared having to deal with zombies or an alien invasion after having kids. THAT'S what it's all about.

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  42. Way to kick it off. I totally plan on teaching my daughter to pull my finger.

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  43. That was hilarious.

    I need some further information 'tho - what exactly constitutes accordion ass? Your version of accordion ass and mine might be vastly different.

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  44. Is it hot in here or is that just the wafting of your male stench?

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  45. Accordion ass. nice!

    I think you did a great job. I laughed at all of it.

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  46. Jim better watch his back. This is good stuff. Now, if you could just remove your pants, we'll be all set. No, no - I assure you it's standard operating procedure. I know you're new and all, but the pants must come off.

    Really.

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  47. Well done. You shared the male side like no other and threw in a booby-hee hee, too!

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  48. Nicely done Captain! The nasal strips don't work in this house so I spend my nights nudging my husband so he'll roll over. I'm digging your cellulite response. What cellulite? Score.

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  49. Great post. I can't wait to see what questions you get to tackle next week!

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  50. well i used to argue with hubby about the snoring thing. no way i snore. then i had the sleep study done and that tech had the nerve to tell me i snore! only when i'm on my back though so i guess i'll just tell hubby to roll me over next time :)

    great job, congrats, sorry it's taken me so long to catch up and read this!

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  51. I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


    Miriam

    http://www.craigslistposter.info

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Come on, sailor. I love you long time.