He Blogs/She Blogs: What the hell was I thinking?

So. Here I am. My first contribution to He Blogs/She Blogs, and yes, I did wet myself a little when I clicked on 'new post.' Before I go any farther though, I want to send a shout out to my worthy competitors for this lofty position (no jokes, Irish!). Christopher, Ryan, Ron, Kevin, Ian & Matt, it was great fun competing for this and I'm more than happy that Petra decided to have everybody guest post against a guesting (?) She blogger.

Ok, I could whine on and on about being nervous and such, but I think I'll just hitch up my skirt and wade on in. Game on.

Sprite's Keeper: Who is better at multi-tasking? Men or women?

Thanks, Jen. When I read this out to Supreme Leader she laughed and laughed. Ah, multi-tasking. Back when I was employed I used to work for a large 'financial institution' (We won't go into details on this since they're still paying my severance for the next 7 months). At my last position, I headed investigations, country wide, for several large banks. Banks, not individual customers, but every customer of these banks. Let me tell you, I multi-tasked like a mofo. And before that? I worked in the treasury where we had deadlines that came down off the Mount with Moses (they were written on the other side). I was a machine.

Then I lost my job. Then real life grabbed me by the junk and screamed "you don't know jack, Buttercup!" And you know what? Life was right. Multi-tasking with children is beyond my Jedi powers. I keep up as best I can, but really, this is way beyond my abilities.

That said, if we ever have to fight our way out of the city during a zombie plague or an alien invasion, I think I might be able to handle that one better.

Cajoh wrote: Here's a question: Does either of you have a partner that snores? I know I can sleep through a hurricane, but I know others can't sleep if the other snores. What words of advice do you have to those suffering sleep deprivation due to their partners' nose flute solos.

Breath-Right nasal strips. Seriously. Apparently I snore. Of course I can neither confirm nor deny this allegation, but my far better half... *I've already started laughing* Sorry, this one always kills me. Soon after we married, Supreme Leader began accusing me of snoring. I hid my indignity at these scurrilous lies and suggested she just push me until I stopped. It didn't help. Neither did kicking me, pinching my nostrils closed or shouting at me. Everytime I think about this or get yelled at the next morning for doing it again I always picture my little wifey trying to roll me over in bed or beating on me and I laugh like a fool. Yes, I'm going to hell, but I'm going with a smile on my face.

Seriously though, sleep deprivation can make for a shaky relationship. Go back to the link and check it out.

From Cat: Hmmm. I would like to know what men REALLY think about cellulite. They say it isn't there (um, yeah it is), they say they can't see it anywhere (what are you, blind?), they say they like our real woman asses much better than all those smooth-assed celebrities (how is that possible?) - so I want to know the TRUTH about cottage cheese thighs.

I'll have to admit to being frightened at this point. Much like Indiana Jones crossing the booby trapped (booby, hee hee) floor towards the golden statue in Raiders. One wrong step and I'll be turned into a pin cushion. Sigh. *adjusts his hat and loosens the whip* Ok, if your ass looks like an accordion, then no, that is not sexy, AT ALL. A little here and there? So what. First off, as ruggedly handsome as I am, this is not Michael Phelps body so who am I to go pointing fingers. Second, Cat, you're thinking like a woman. What do men really think about cellulite? If you're willing to have sex with us, what cellulite?

Finally, from Frogmama: I wanna know why men are such lazy, slovenly pigs who think farting, burping and BO are funny traits to pass along to their children?

Why are we lazy and slovenly? Well that just hurts, Frogmama. I'm not arguing with it, I just think you could have said it better. Farting, burping & BO? Well... they are funny. I have two sons, it's my duty as a man to pass down these things (and I'd probably still do it if I had a daughter, equal opportunity). My boys are too young for BO and they don't have the muscle control for burping on command, but when they're ready, I'll be there. Farting though! It was only a couple of weeks ago that I introduced them to "pull my finger." They thought this was the best thing ever. Then we had a quick meeting and decided that it might be best not to do this around mommy. Just this morning somebody cut one at breakfast but would not fess up to it. Fingers were pointed, accusations leveled and I honestly didn't know who did it. It was a proud moment. I had to get a tissue.

Every night before I get into bed I peel off my rank shirt, cup a hand beneath my armpit and gently waft in my scent. After carefully judging each one I proudly announce the winner to Supreme Leader who laughs and laughs. At least I'm pretty sure she's laughing and not gagging. No, it's laughing. The human body is a wondrous thing, it's only right that you teach your children everything. Hey. I haven't taught them how to make that farting noise with their armpits yet! Thanks, Frogmama.

And there you go, my first He Blogs/She Blogs, I hope I didn't screw it up too badly. To those of you who voted for my competition, I hope I put a smile on your face at some point here. Feel free to go to their site and tell them I sucked, I'll understand. Make sure to head over to Petra's The Wise (*Young*) Mommy to see the She side of the equation.