I know I'm supposed to do some type of intro for my guest posters, but that would just be slowing you down. It's Jen from Steenky Bee. Hold on to something...
A few weeks ago Captain Dumbass sent me an email asking me to guest post over here at Us and Them. I eagerly agreed, but then began to worry that I accepted his offer too hastily. He’s well known for posting about six times a day. Would I have to post that often? How could I be expected to keep up with that rigorous schedule of posting every 3 hours? He promised he would call me to go over the details. I was all kinds of excited.
When the Captain phoned a few hours later, I tried very hard to listen closely and concentrate on his instructions. His exact words were, “I’d love to host one of your stories over here at Us and Them. Please guest post for me Sunday. Send me your write up and I’ll put it up over at my place.”
But in my adrenaline crazed state, all I heard was, “I’d love to host you over here. Please be my guest. I’ll put you up at my place.” I immediately grabbed a map of Canada, a bunch of warm clothes, a mix tape and headed north.
Day 1: The Element of Surprise
I arrived at the Captain’s house a few days late, but only because I grossly misjudged exactly where Canada was. According to my map, it was only three inches away from Utah. Maps lie. Canada is, like, far.
The Captain and his family seemed a little surprised to see me on their doorstep. I think his exact words were, “What gives you the right?” Maybe he was caught off guard because I was a few days late. His wife, who insisted that I avoid direct eye contact with her and refer to her as Supreme Leader, kept asking me why I drove all the way through four states and crossed the Canadian boarder unannounced. I assumed one of two things; a) she was very interested in my gas mileage, or b) hubby didn’t tell her I would be a guest in their house while I posted stories to his blog.
For the first hour or so, there were some awkward side glances between the three of us. Eventually, I broke the silence by asking what was for dinner. For the remainder of the evening the Captain and Supreme Leader huddled in the kitchen and talked in hushed tones. For the most part, they were super-duper nice. When I would holler for them to bring me a cold beverage, they would shout back for me to get it myself already. They must have really wanted me to feel at home.
I did catch Supreme Leader rolling her eyes at me quite a bit during my stay. I figured it must be a cultural thing with Canadians. When the Captain’s extended family showed up for his mom’s 50th birthday party, most of them gave me the eye roll too. Despite all the pointing and laughing at my expense, I was totally feeling at ease in their home.
And the hospitality didn’t end there. Multiple times, the Captain and his wife offered to put me up in a hotel so I could have some privacy. Of course, I politely declined their generosity. I drove all the way up there and I wasn’t about to leave them now. Supreme Leader threw her hands in the air and shouted, “Fine. Have it your way!” and stormed into the master bedroom.
“Have it your way, too!” I waved and called back to her. This must be the way Canadians say good night. The Captain said the same thing to me about five minutes later as he headed off to bed.
Day 2: Spontaneous Blogging
Who knew the Captain and his family were early risers? At 7:00 am sharp, he was up and summoning his family to the kitchen. He declared loudly that it was time for a family meeting. He wheeled out a large white board and began writing furiously. He then announced that no one could leave until they had given him at least five blog-worthy ideas. He warned his boys that he would no longer accept any snail or poo stories. He felt those stories were so played.
Two hours later, the meeting adjourned. Supreme Leader made mention to the Captain that she thought this was, by far, the suckiest meeting ever. The Captain responded with “I’m totally blogging that!” She responded with some sort of hand gesture that I thought only people in prison knew. The Captain shouted, “I’m totally blogging that too!”
A little while later, the Captain and his family ran off to some emergency situation that had just suddenly come up. I was told that they would be gone the entire day and the place they were headed didn’t have any phone service so I should NOT try to call them. As they peeled out of their driveway, Connor, their oldest son, yelled out of the van’s window, “Why don’t you just go home!”
I could only assume that the little guy wanted me to wait at the house for them to return, so I did just that. When they walked in around 9:30 that night they announced that they were going strait to bed. I gave them a traditional Canadian greeting of “Fine. Have it your way!” It went over huge. Both boys both gave me the eye roll. Up until now, the younger one, Liam, had made every effort to pretend I didn‘t exist. Score!
Day 3: Metro Dad is My Hero
Around noon, I heard the loudest alarm buzzer sounding throughout the house. Immediately every member of the family scurried into the den and hovered around the computer. Each of them looked frenzied with excitement. The Captain pushed his way past his wife and the boys to take his seat at the computer. From my vantage point, I could clearly see that he was reading through Metro Dad’s sight. He was so focused, so serious. He shushed Supreme Leader and the boys several times when they began talking too loudly. One time when the boys were particularly rambunctious, the Captain turned around and shouted “Daddy needs quiet while he comments on Metro Dad! You know how important Metro Dad is to daddy!”
The family stood around the Captain and waited in anticipation for him to finish posting his comment. The boys even shouted ideas for him to consider. Each time, he dismissed them with a sweeping hand motion. They held their breath as the Captain swiveled around in his chair, pumped both fists in the air and exclaimed loudly, “Number seven. MY COMMENT IS NUMBER SEVEN ON METRO DAD!”
The Captain then stood up and began shadow boxing with himself. Connor and Liam were jumping up and down and screaming. Supreme Leader clasped her hands together, threw her head back and yelled, “Yes! Finally we’ve cracked the top ten!” This was truly a moment for the family.
Despite all the celebrating, my visit was cut short with the Captain and his family early the next day. Supreme Leader announced they were having their home fumigated and everyone would have to leave “and maybe never come back” she added. I think she mentioned something about an infestation of American Parasites or something. Eww. I tried to google this insect but, but so far, my search for this rare bug has proved usless.
Although I never got around to writing a post for the Captain, I feel my time was not wasted with his family. I learned some very valuable lessons on my short trip. I learned that Canadians use the term, “You should really get out of here” pretty freely as a term of endearment. They must have said it to me at least five times. I learned that Canadian women really like their space too. Several times Supreme Leader told me to “Back off Yankee fool!” I want so badly for her to teach me that cool hand gesture.
And the boys! Oh how I loved little Connor and Liam. They introduced me to the best Canadian game ever. They never explained the rules completely, but from what I gathered, the object of the game is to run from someone (mostly me) whenever they enter a room and shout “Stranger danger!” as loud as they can. I’m really going to miss them all.