Buuuuuut I'm fresh outta pith. But then, I happened to notice I had a new comment! Ah, comments. I'm a crack whore for comments and thanks to jenboglass I so SCORED today. Pre-Jen's comment I was sliding into some serious failing as a father, lazy-assed self-loathing depression. But then I was inspired. Then I had an iced tea. Then I felt GREAT! Maybe my blood sugar was low. Whatever. Then I looked around the house and noticed the piles of laundry and dirty dishes that I'd been successfully ignoring until that point. Shit. So I did those. Then I folded some laundry. Then I made some beds. Then I helped cover the British Expeditionary Force's retreat from Dunkirk in my trusty Spitfire. What? The kids needed attention too. They wanted me to play on the Wii.So now it's 9:17pm... is Utah an hour ahead of me? I told Jen I'd dedicate my next blog to her but now what? I threw down a little dinner talk with my 3 year old, but that's not really dedication material. Hmm.... um, ah... look at my wife's pretty flowers!
Hydrangea: Dude, don't be using us to cover up you having nothing to write about.
Me: Wha...
Ville de Lyon: Buddy, you're totally ripping BHJ.
Hydrangea: Well, that's true. He did.
Me: Ya. And what about that one with Optimus Prime? That was funny. What did I do with that?
Hydrangea: Um, I think you deleted it with the old blog.
Me: Dammit!
Ville de Lyon: Sounds all well and good, but I got one word for you, plag---
Me: Blah blah blah! Enough of you, pompous French bastard. Who else can we talk too? How about Dahlia?
Me: Dahlia, lookin fine today.
Dahlia: Goddamned right I am, I'm a wonder of nature. Now what are you doing about the ants?
Me: Ants?
Dahlia: ANTS! I'm covered in freakin ants! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT THE ANTS???
Me: Um, ants?
Ants: We're here for the aphids.
Me: There you go, they're there for the aphids. Aphids are bad. It's a good thing.
Aphids: Hey!
Dahlia: I don't give a flyin' fu-
Me: Ok... how about my niece Michelle?
Michelle: Hey Uncle Dumbass.
Me: Ah, I think we can just go with Uncle Chad.
Michelle: Whatev's. What's with the look today? Early 90's Grunge?
Me: Listen Sunshine, you weren't even born then so what do you know?
Michelle: I know you haven't shaved and you smell like a goat.
Me: Speaking of goats? What's with the tongue?
Michelle: (big sigh) Steenky Bee's a good name for a blog, it's pretty too. Your page is boring.
Me: Sigh. I know. And her page is nice. Maybe one day I'll figure out the magic behind banners.
Michelle: Probably not, you're not that bright. Anyway, I have to go to bed. I'm only 7, remember.
Me: You are my imagination and We are not tired yet.
Michelle: We are tired and Utah is an hour ahead of us so it's like almost 11pm there now. She's not going to see your Sunday blog until Monday. Just FINISH!
Me: Fine.
Me: Speaking of goats? What's with the tongue?
Michelle: (big sigh) Steenky Bee's a good name for a blog, it's pretty too. Your page is boring.
Me: Sigh. I know. And her page is nice. Maybe one day I'll figure out the magic behind banners.
Michelle: Probably not, you're not that bright. Anyway, I have to go to bed. I'm only 7, remember.
Me: You are my imagination and We are not tired yet.
Michelle: We are tired and Utah is an hour ahead of us so it's like almost 11pm there now. She's not going to see your Sunday blog until Monday. Just FINISH!
Me: Fine.
Posts
Dude. Chad. Cap'n. It's not called plag-...I won't even finish that. I invented a word for it. That's how cool I am. It's called blogarting. Blog + bogart. You can thank me later
ReplyDeleteYou are the best. I going to buy a captain's hat today. I will look so hot cruising in my man van. Except gas is too expensive so I'll just sit in the driveway and nod to my neighbours.
ReplyDeleteWhat the hell am I talking about? I need some more coffee.
That, my friend, made me laugh out loud.
ReplyDeleteI am honored and privileged that you included me in your post. Wowzers! Oh, and I'm totally assuming that you and your wife sent me flowers via the internet. That's what I'm telling everyone, anyway. I too, think of commenters as a sort of drug. They give me a rush of adrenaline that I need to make it through one more load of dishes.
ReplyDeleteEnough about me, I absolutely love your post here! I linked back to the others as well and you are masterful at the conversation riffs. I can't wait to read back and get into even earlier posts. (I still get hung up on the Klingons, I must confess. I lose it every time, dude.)
Thanks for the flowers and the link. I shall return the favor ten fold this week! Oh, and I love the idea of a man van.
The flowers speak to you too? Watch out for the tulips, they're flirty. Sunflowers are great, they are a little arrogant but with good reason. And you might think the honeysuckles have made you tasty sweet nectar but beware that your nemesis may have laced them with poison... really, you can't trust flowers...
ReplyDelete