Thursday, April 30, 2009

Hearing But Not Listening



This morning while reading through my blog list Supreme Leader shouted something from upstairs where she was cleaning the bathroom. Something about packages and ovens. I wandered out to the kitchen shouting back for clarification although as soon as I saw the oven and oven mitts the part I did hear clicked so I filtered out what she was yelling again and removed a baking sheet with two foil wrapped packages, one big and one small.

Twenty minutes later when I'm in the shower the door bursts open and the shower curtain is torn back à la Psycho. "What part of 'small package' did you not understand?" asks Supreme Leader. She was smiling, but I think it was more of a primal teeth baring gesture threatening imminent danger than a loving 'oh look, my husband is naked in the shower' kind of smile. It was at that moment I also realized I should have turned the oven off twenty minutes ago when I removed the baking pan.


*No husbands were hurt in the making of this post. The 'blood spatter' is actually beet juice. It was close though, oh so close.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Random Tuesday: Banking, Tuna & Naming Your Penis

Yesterday while getting dressed I put my toe through a small tear in my boxers. I used an exacto knife to cut the torn parts off and wore them anyway. Because I'm a man, and that's what we do.

It's Random Tuesday, deal with it.

randomtuesday


That's Connor eating a piece of celery. C-E-L-E-R-Y. He just nonchalantly picked it up off of Supreme Leader's plate and started eating it. She immediately started hissing at me and pantomiming 'camera' and 'take a picture of this now or you're cooking for yourself forever.' She's talented like that.

My bank is all about convenience. Today I went in to get some US cash for our trip to the States this week. The teller swiped my card and gave me the money without asking for any ID, any PIN number or any security questions. Took all the fun out of stealing the card to begin with.

Remember Tron? They're filming a remake in Vancouver right now.

Speaking of movies. JJ Abrams (Heroes, Lost, Fringe, Alias, Felicity, Cloverfield and the new Star Trek movie) bought the rights to Stephen King's The Dark Tower series. King likes Abrams so much he sold him the rights for $19. If you read the series you'll get that.

My son Liam's temper is like a seismic event, a shifting of tectonic plates. Sudden, violent & totally unpredictable.

When I first found out I was going to be a father, the need to shout out "Hey! Get your peepee off the wall!" wasn't on the list of things I thought would come along with the job.

A couple of weeks ago Connor's class went to the aquarium for the day. Since it's a kindergarten/grade one mix Liam was allowed to come along too. Part of the tour was an educational segment that featured a puppet show with various types of sealife. One of them was Sammy the Salmon. A few nights ago before bath time Liam says, "Sammy the Salmon lives in here," pointing to his underwear. "Wake up, Sammy!" That's my boy.


Tuna tataki courtesy of Iron Chef Rob Feenie. Seared albacore tuna, green papaya slaw, orange, avocado, pine nuts and yuzu vinaigrette.


The tuna made love to my tongue while I slipped into a coma. Don't look at me like that, you don't understand how good that tuna was.

This week's playlist:
1. Roll With The Changes - REO Speedwagon (I can't help it, it just take control of me)
2. My Delirium - Ladyhawke (thanks Kat)
3. Mahgeetah - My Morning Jacket
4. A Change Is Gonna Come - Sam Cooke (thanks Robin)
5. Stray Dog - Robert Pattinson (thanks Ms. Salti)
6. Detroit '67 - Sam Roberts (thanks Middle Aged Woman)
7.
8.
9.
10.

Ah hell. It's past midnight and I'm tired. Screw the playlist. Today was one of those days the kids were making me feel like a failure as a parent. Thanks boys.

Go to Keely's and get on board the love train.

Seattle, It's A Honour Just To Be Nominated & So What If It's Monday?

So the Dumbasses are once again invading the Pacific Northwest this Friday, if we can make it across the border, that is. We'll be fine, but two of my wife's sisters are coming along and they look suspicious at the best of times. Maybe I should be nicer since they're paying for the hotel. Whatever, if my ass ends up in Federal lock up or Guantanamo because of them why should I be nice? Orange is not my colour. Though I wish it was. I like orange. The boys can wear orange, but they've got just enough of Supreme Leader's skin tone to get away with it.

What?

Anyway, if you're from Seattle or anywhere around there I need some suggestions for things to do if you if you have pets. I mean, children.

I got nominated for a Blogger's Choice Award! I didn't even know until I got an email from Jen at Blissfully Caffeinated and I was all, "no way" and she was like, "way" and I was like "no way" and she was "WAY!" OK, it didn't happen anything like that. I was nominated by Peggy from Stir Crazy in the Suburbs who is now an official BFF for life! Ryan from the Panic Room is going to win this one in a landslide, but I guess that's ok since he is somewhat handsome. For a man. What? Oh! That kind of hottest. Ok, that makes sense. I was wondering about that since Ryan's put on a few pounds and he had that Grizzly Adams thing going on for awhile. Either way, I want to beat somebody so if you could vote for me I'd appreciate it. Look, I'll bribe you with cute things like this:

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Come on, that's gotta be worth something. Vote for Ryan too, I did.

And it's Monday.


Stop whining.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Remember When Super Man Flew Around The World Really Fast And Made It Turn The Other Way And Time Went Backwards?


I cut my lawn today with a lawn trimmer. The whole thing, front and back, 'cause I'm that kind of classy. I know. We don't have a second car, but if we did, I'd totally put it up on blocks in the front yard. Maybe add an old fridge or stove too. We... I broke our mower last year and instead of getting it fixed I just kept borrowing my father-in-law's. You know, it wasn't even last year that it broke, it was the end of summer before last. Fuck, am I lazy. No, that's not true. Well, yes it is, but not for the purposes of this post. I don't know, I'm in a funk.

Shit. I just paused in thought for a minute there and noticed my camera which has been plugged into the computer for about two hours now. Excellent. When the Mother Ship arrives tonight and my battery is dead I'll only have myself to blame. At this juncture I should mention that this post has absolutely no point to it at all. And yes, I went back and added 'juncture' to the beginning of that last sentence so I could use 'point' at the end and not have a sentence with two points because that's all wrong.

Where was I? Oh ya, nowhere. Did you know the bigger planets in our solar system rotate faster than smaller planets? If you did you suck. Please shut up now. So ya, Jupiter is two and half times bigger than all the other planets combined and it rotates in less than 10 hours. Tiny little Mercury takes 58 Earth days (Ok, this is kinda because it's got a messed up orbit but cut me some slack). Now if I lived on Mercury, a 58 day, er, day might be enough for me to get things done around the house, spend enough time with the kids so I don't feel like I'm neglecting them and still have enough "me" time to keep from going crazy. Oh ya, and then there's that black haired woman I share a bed with. I think her name starts with a... wait, it'll come to me.

And now it's an hour and a half after I wrote that because I had to stop and watch Bones. I love Bones, and not just because of my man-crush on David Boreanaz, but tonight's episode was just annoying me.

Dear Hollywood,
If you tell me that one of the characters I'll be watching in (insert show name here) is Japanese, is from Japan, has a Japanese name and, oh look, the actor playing him is Japanese... I get it. It's enough. I really don't need the hokey canned Zamfir pan-flute "Asian" music in the background. The same goes for every other ethnic group or foreign country the show may be visiting. I know you're playing to the lowest common denominator, but seriously, if they're that dumb they probably can't afford to buy your advertiser's products anyway so screw 'em.


And oh my god the theme song from Greatest American Hero just came on and does anybody remember that show? I remember watching it with my mom and I'm pretty sure she was letting me stay up late to see it and remember Robert Culp as the curmudgeonly FBI agent? He was great. Guess he must be dead by now. I have a thing for hokey 70's songs. And yes, I've used the word 'hokey' twice now in one post. Whatevs. You're still here, aren't you?

I made these for my boys. Cause I'm a crafty bitch.



End.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Random Tuesday: It stings a little at first, but you get used to it


randomtuesday

Oh ya, it's Random Tuesday. Only today it's random people's random thoughts. Arranged randomly.


From MetroDad:
Joe is a young Canadian drummer who began playing in May of 2008. He was 3.5 years old. He has had no lessons and has learned to play entirely by watching drummers on YouTube. He plays at least an hour a day. The kid rocks the sticks like a young Neil Peart. Here he is rocking The Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again."

Check out this kid. They show him playing the whole song, and "Won't Get Fooled Again" is over 8 minutes, so if you don't want to watch the whole thing get the intro when he starts and then skip ahead til around the 6:30 mark.

Must have fridge magnets.




This is so much funnier if you have small children.





Now that I'm painting my house I truly despise wallpaper. But...



And just in case you were wondering, 'random Tuesday' cannot be literally translated into Chinese. Trust me, I asked a room full of Chinese people.

Go to Keely's, join the fun.

(zombies) (kitty) (Thomas) (throwing stars) (wallpaper)

Monday, April 20, 2009

A Tale of Gluttony in Twelve Courses

Saturday night we loaded up the Dumbass family and headed off to Burnaby (hometown of Michael J. Fox, Joe Sakic and Michael Bublé. Oh, and I was born there) and the Fortune House Seafood Restaurant for a punishing twelve rounds of Olympic consumption. Dinner was for a little guy named Ronan who's been on the outside for one whole month now. What? Not prison, the womb. In many Asian cultures this is cause for... well, it's an excuse to eat. Sadly I have no picture of little Ronan. All mine sucked and my sister-in-laws haven't downloaded theirs yet.

As soon as we get there Liam discovers a few things. One, chocolates at every place setting. Two, every place setting has chopstick holders shaped like a dragon's head. Three, he is small and easily overlooked.


The chocolate was quickly confiscated before I took the picture.

Eats! Course #1. Roast pork and mixed meat platter. A little something to take the edge off. The little rolls were crab meat. Connor actually ate one. We were so happy we were ready to give him the chocolates.


#2 Deep fried stuffed crab claws with minced shrimp. Grab the claw like he's shaking your hand. "I died for your pleasure!" "Appreciate it, pal!"


#3 Sautéed shrimps and cuttlefish with vegetables.


#4 Ah, Bruce. Fish are friends, not food.



You sadly, were food. There was speculation at our table that we were getting fin-less soup since murdering sharks for their tasty fins is frowned upon now, but it was not so.


#5 Lobster is a staple at any of these banquets, but you know what a lobster looks like. How about a four year old kissing a decapitated lobster head? Betcha haven't seen that!


#6 Braised abalone mushrooms. Or, braised surgical glove in oyster sauce. Not my favourite.

#7 Steamed whole fish. I had better shots of this, but I liked his sad face. "Why? Why did you do this to me?"


#8. Deep fried crispy chicken. Whatever, it's all about the shrimp chips.


#9 Nine? I don't have a name for nine, but it's served a lot because the noodles stand for long life or something like that. All the dishes have some type of meaning but this is the only one I know for sure. Well, mostly sure.


#10 Honeymoon fried rice and braised E-Fu noodles in abalone sauce. By this point you start hoping they'll stop bringing plates out.


#11 But then its dessert time! I don't know what this erotic jello masterpiece was called, but I seriously contemplated stealing the plate and running. Sadly I'd had to undo my pants half way through and running was entirely out of the question.


#12 Sweetened red bean soup. Fini.


By far the coolest part of the dinner was the Dyson Airblade hand dryers in the washrooms. If you're laughing at me you haven't tried one. If you're nodding your head at me in understanding? I KNOW! They're so cool! Twelve seconds and your hands are dry. They need ones for your entire body. Though maybe not your goodies. Even though it's only air it is being forced out a tiny opening at 640 kilometres an hour.


And that was Saturday. Got the kids home around eleven-ish and they were a TREAT Sunday. Couldn't even tell they'd been up late the night before. Heh heh. *nervous twitch*

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Happy Birthday, Diggy

Because that's what he's calling himself these days. The picture is blurry, but since he never stops, so is he.



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Happy Birthday, Liam. You're a loving cuddly monkey with the temper of a super nova, and today you are four. Go break something, baby.


PS. I hate American Idol type shows with a passion, but go check out Unmitigated after you're done here. This is what it should be about.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Salty Dogs, The Auto Industry And Eating Til It Hurts

My week:
Remember Jaws? The first one. Remember the noise the whale made when Jaws ate it? The front end of my van was making that noise.



God, I love Quint. If I didn't love my header so much I'd have a picture of Quint up there and if you steal my idea I swear I'll find you and stab you in the eye with a harpoon and then disappear into the vastness that is my country and they'll never find me. Unless it's the Mounties because they always get their man and there are some really attractive constables out there so maybe that wouldn't be so bad and maybe they'd be pissed at that misogynistic saying and turn a blind eye if I were disguised in drag because, hey, I wouldn't be a 'man' anymore, would I? And 'turning a blind eye?' Does that saying piss blind people off?

Where was I? Oh ya, so Monday I have to drag the kids over to the in-laws and take the van in to exorcise whatever evil spirit has possessed my front end. (of the van, leave it alone)

Today (yesterday because I'm writing this last night)(writing a blog is like time travel sometimes) I had to bring the van into the auto body shop to have the entire right hand side of the car cut off but they assure me it will only take a few days to fix. Why don't they make cars out of Lego? The rental place gives me a PT Cruiser and hey Chrysler, nice design on the bench seat in the back, I don't feel like my kids are in danger at all because of your shitty design ideas. Can't imagine why you guys are going under.

Tomorrow (today), we're spending the day at the aquarium because Connor's class is going and Supreme Leader has the day off so we're taking Liam along for a day of family fun. I wonder if they have wi-fi?

Thursday... I don't think anything is happening Thursday. That can't be right.

Friday, BBQ'ing a small farm for Liam's fourth birthday.

Saturday, ten course Chinese banquet. The dinner is for a sister of a sister-in-law's baby's one month celebration. Got that? Whatever, it's just an excuse to eat. A lot.

Hmm. Writing it down it doesn't seem as bad as it did in my head. Lists are good.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Random Tuesday: Insert Thought Here

Random Tuesday! Let's go.

randomtuesday

To all of you who started blogging thinking you could be the next Dooce but were then brutally crushed by the cold hearted reality of ad revenue and page hits, cheer up, MetroDad is in talks to have his blog turned into a network sitcom. There's still hope for you!

Bacon porn

I was upstairs painting the other day when I heard the crash of breaking glass from downstairs. There was an immediate silence that told me there were two little boys staring at each other desperately trying to come up with an excuse. I stood at the top of the stairs trying to carefully balance the risk of injury with the value of terror as a lesson. Then I couldn't keep my laughter in any longer so I went down to the kitchen to find that Liam had climbed up on the table to make an ass print in his Play-doh and knocked a bowl off the table. Meh, it was an ugly bowl.

If I didn't already use Visa I'd apply for one, just because Morgan Freeman told me too. Because he is Morgan Freeman.

In honour of Jen of Steenky Bee getting out of Witness Protection I gave her a wall and told her she could have whatever she wanted painted on it. She gave me a list of ideas and while "Canada, America's hat" was a real gut buster here north of the border, our astute panel of judge decided on this one.


After the picture the boys promptly burned it from the wall with their eyes.

What the hell happened to the Follow option on Blooger? Google Friends Network? This isn't (fuck)Facebook. I don't want to have to pinkie-swear to be BFF's for life to follow a blog, I want to click one button and be done with it.

Liam: Why is there no school today?
Mommy: Because the teachers need a day off to learn some new things. They're learning how to deal with emergencies like fires and earthquakes.
Me: Your temper.

That's all I got. Go over to the Un-Mom's and join in the carnage.

*That thing I said above about you still having hope of making it big with your blog? That wasn't true. But Mommy and Daddy love you, no matter what.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Perspective

*I know, I know, it's a story, but it's really short and I'm not posting again until at least Monday, so if you have the time this weekend give it a read and let me know what you think. It's even kind of fitting for this weekend. Kinda. Like big picture-wise.

He had walked a short distance from the camp for a small measure of peace, only a few dozen paces from the nearest tents but far enough that the incessant talk was more murmur than anything else. The constant noise, well, that was camp life. Armies were noisy, but it was the talk that drove him to distraction. The endless talk of nothing. Bragging, tales, gossip and worst of all speculation. He did not like battle, but at least it would put an end to all the guessing and expert opinion. It wouldn't be as bad if he were amongst the officers, they weren't all fools. But that was not his fate. He had been cursed a giant. He stood at least two heads above even the tallest of his fellow soldiers and for that he was eternally cast the army's monster. It did not matter that he was more intelligent than any officer commanding him and (he doubted even his king could match wits with him) it did not matter that he had his letters, all that mattered was his size. He'd long ago given up searching for intelligent conversation among his "brothers," or conversation at all. Most treated him like a fool or a dangerous beast so that is what he gave them. Grunts and bestial screams made them happy so that us what they received.

The two hills they had set up camp between had been covered in beautiful purple flowers. Most had now been crushed but he had found an unmolested patch just outside the sentry lines and that was where he had spent the morning. Below him the sound of his squire returning to their tent interrupted his meditation. The boy had completed his errands and now bleated about the camp like a lost sheep. He did not bother answering. Someone would point him out in good time. Besides, it was too damned hot. The less movement the better.

As predicted, the boy found him soon enough. "Sir!" the squire panted as he ran up the hill, "I found a local who knew the name of these flowers."
"And?"
"Lupine, sir"
"Lupine," he repeated, committing it to memory. He had removed some seed pods earlier and placed them in a small leather bag he now handed to the squire. Hopefully he would get the chance to plant them once the war was over. He had been admiring the flowers throughout their current campaign, but this had been the first time they had come close enough for him to collect a specimen.

"There's a stir at the front, sir. Some say they've finally found someone to challenge you,"the boy reported cheerfully. Finally, he thought. Maybe we can finally end this damn war. He did not understand why their foe continued in this pointless action. They had been beaten twice now and had their precious treasure taken, but on they fought. If they would just give up he could finally be free. His term of service was done with the completion of this campaign. Ten years was enough. He had made enough to provide a good home for the bride his family had chosen for him. A home and a comfortable life once he found work. He had long ago decided to follow his family and work the sea. No fools to suffer upon the waves, the fish did not speak. Afternoons alone untangling nets in the solitude of his own thoughts? He could think of little sweeter. A quiet life with a good woman and a house full of children, all he needed was for this fool's errand to run its course.

Sure enough, word eventually came back that the Israelites had chosen a warrior. He returned to his tent and enjoyed some wine and a quick bite while his squire prepared his armour. He was always chosen for single combat, his enormous size guaranteed it. He took no joy from it though, it was a necessary evil. In fact, when he first joined up he had been terrible. If it weren't for the terror he brought forth in his adversaries he should be long dead. As it was, he had plenty of opportunities to practice over the seasons. If he should never spill another man's blood he would be blessed.

First though, the show. After donning his leather and plate and choosing his favoured spear he made toward the front lines. They parted before him, chanting his name and screaming for blood. "Goliath! Goliath!" If they only knew how much he despised them in these moments. They were little more than animals, but he gave them what they wanted. He bellowed like an angry oxen and shook his mighty spear for all to see and they lapped it up. He felt the fool for it, but it garnered him extra food every night and a tent to himself, not that any save his squire would sleep near him. All the better, he thought.

When the final waves of screaming faces parted and he stood alone with his commanders he began to worry. Around him his fellow soldiers and officers scoffed at his opponent, laughing and slapping one another on the back in their mirth and merriment. Across the clearing between the two armies stood the Israelites and their champion. To say the man was small compared to him was a gross exaggeration. I could probably eat his body weight in one sitting, he thought. But while his Philistines derided the small man, Goliath knew the Israelites had chosen him for a reason. There were many warriors behind the man who would have made a better match, but instead they chose this little man to decide their nations fate in single combat. The soldier played the part of being frightened, but Goliath decided that was exactly what he was doing, playing a part. The fear in the man's face did not extend to his eyes. Those eyes were busy taking his opponents measure, were in fact, taking the winds measure as well as he noticed the man's attention flit from himself to the banners that waved above the Philistine lines. Sure enough, as the diminutive Israelite turned Goliath caught a glimpse of a sling hanging at the man's hip. Outwardly, the Philistine played his own part, but inside he was worried. While his reach with a spear was formidable, all his opponent needed to do was keep beyond it and pelt him with those damned stones. His own men might think the rocks would bounce from him, but he suffered no such delusions. A skilled man with a sling was every bit as deadly as he was with his giant size and strength.

He sighed. His die was cast. He turned his back on the little man and lifted his spear and shield high. They expected a show and a show they would receive. He gave them his best roar and then turned once more to face his enemy. He screamed all his best insults and stepped forward into the clearing. Why couldn't they have just given up?

*I wrote this on my iPod while at my sister's the last time we were visiting. The main reason it is so short.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Baltimore, Beer and...?... Boobies? (I Got Nothin)

I'm slummin' over at Irish Gumbo's today because he just got out of the joint and he promised beer and strippers. I don't care what the press said, he was framed.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Random Tuesday: Random Tuesday

The other day one of the boys found a lollipop that one of them had brought home from a birthday and dad obviously didn't hide very well. Being the brilliant father that I am I decide to break it into pieces so both boys could share. I grab a hammer, put it on the floor, still in its wrapper, and whack it. Nothing happened. Again. Nothing happens. Third times a charm, I hit that SOB but good and it explodes. Everywhere.

It's Tuesday!

randomtuesday

I'm in the middle of stripping wallpaper from my bedroom. One night I'm brushing my teeth and looking at the walls and all the work that still needs doing and ask Supreme Leader if we can just mirror the entire room. Walls, floors and ceiling. As usual she's pretending I'm not even there, although I know it's because she's trying to resist my machismo by acting like she's reading a book. It occurs to me that a mirrored floor could be dangerous so I tell her that we would probably have to cover the mirrors with plexiglass. This leads to the brilliant idea of replacing the mirrored room with twin panes of plexiglass and then running water between them. And maybe even fish! Can you imagine?! It'd be like sleeping underwater!

Me: Do you want to sit or stand?
Liam: Sit, because sometimes my pee pee doesn't listen to me.


Etsy

Today I'm walking to pick up Connor from kindergarten and notice a plane flying high over head. Then I notice a strange black line beneath it and take off my sunglasses to clean them. They were clean. I looked up without my glasses and realized it was the shadow of the jet's contrail on some thin cirrus cloud beneath it. No, there's no point, it just looked cool.

Check this out. It's called 1001 Rules For My Unborn Son and it's great.

Beyoncé came on the radio this afternoon while I was in the kitchen and Liam wanted to know why that lady was singing about Halo. Not that he's ever seen the game, of course. Ok, he's seen the game, once or twice. Ah hell, he's seen it a lot, but who else is going to teach him how to fight off xenophobic aliens bent on the eradication of humanity? The school system? They're not even ready for the zombie plague. Earthquakes? Whatever.



Go to Keely's, grab a button, join the fun!

Monday, April 6, 2009

Height Matters

Potty training my youngest took a big leap forward a few weeks ago when he started peeing standing up. This had less to do with parenting skills or his own abilities than the fact that his older brother does it. The last couple of days though he's been asking to use his toilet seat again. This morning when he told me he had to go and asked for his seat I made him stand since he's made it this far and I don't want him backsliding. As I was standing above him and watching what he was doing I noticed that he stands with his thighs touching the bowl.

Me: Do want to sit because your legs touch the bowl?
Liam: Yes.
*light bulb*
Me: Honey, does your pee pee (we haven't really talked about testicles yet) touch the bowl when you pee?
Liam: Yes.


I am so sorry, little man.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Thirsty?

Sometimes I find cool stuff out there and want to share but just throwing a fruit shaped drink box into the middle of a post is a little out there, even for me.



Friday, April 3, 2009

I am Mr. Roarke, your host. Welcome to Fantasy Island.

Oh ya, I went there. Come on, I'm a daddy blogger giving away "adult toys," we need to keep this light. So today is the day, I announce the Eden Fantasys gift code winner. We had 70 comments total but only 68 entrants. Petra (because she's 10 kinds of cool) gave up her entry to the person commenting after her and my mom decided to skip this one. (Thank you so much)


Can we go back to Ricardo Montalbán for a second? Wrath of Khan and Corinthian leather aside, you know this guy scored back in the day.


What? Oh, the winner, right. I decided that letting Connor and Liam pull names out of a hat might be putting myself in a morally grey area, so I left it to Random.org. The lucky winner of the $50 gift code was Jen at Sprite's Keeper. Congrats, Jen! Lets avoid any awkwardness and just leave it at that. A big thanks to everybody who entered, twittered and even facebooked. I wish I could give you all sex toys, but Drew only gave me one and if he'd given me enough for all of you he'd probably get fired. Not to mention that our blogging relationship might change as well. Sure you'd tell me you'd be back but then things would get awkward and you'd be all, 'oh, I've been so busy I haven't had time to read anybody's blog,' or, 'damn, something must be wrong with my reader, I didn't know you'd posted!' Fine, be that way now that you have a constant source of sexual gratification, see if I care! Not like I have feelings or anything. I hope your orgasms suck!

See. It's best that there was only one winner. Anyway, thanks again for playing. Go over to Eden Fantasy if you have the time or you're not at work. They have a nice site. Congratulations Jen.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Winners & Weiners (kinda)

This is the post where I announce the winner of the contest where I paint anything you want on my son's wall (he'll thank me for that one day), only I've had it open for about a half an hour now... ok, maybe like an hour and a half and I can't think of anything to write so how about I just paste in the comment I just left at The Monster Apathy.

I'm not going to admit I use Axe because that would be totally embarrassing but I do wear "Hatchet" because their deodorant works for me and I have a hella hard time finding deodorants that work and don't leave me smelling like a wet goat and I never wear anti-perspirant because it leaves my armpits feeling all funny and because one of it's ingredients is aluminum and that shit just can't be good for you and also, like, if I wasn't supposed to sweat I wouldn't have sweat glands, would I?


Ok, now I'm feeling it. The envelope please?

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Jess at This Life Is Mine, it's all yours. Funny, she just gave me an award yesterday so this may seem fixed, but it wasn't. Are you suggesting my little angel rigged the vote? Are you? Rot in hell, baby hater.

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Jess, if you want a picture I can email it to you. It's really... well, it's really terrible. But it's all yours.

Friday I announce the Eden Fantasy winner so if you haven't entered yet, do it! Then you can do... yourself, I guess. Depends on what you buy. Why did I decide to wait a week?